I've come to realise that I'm very scared of being disabled. I hate to consume other people's resources, time, money, and I know that even if something would help my physical and mental health, I feel like I don't deserve it if I can't procure it for myself. I'm also at an age where it is perfectly normal and expected for me to be reliant on my parents. My therapist, who has kids my age, said she would be saddened if they felt the need to be as self-reliant as I wish I could be. But I feel as if I don't deserve my parents' support any more than the housing, schooling and food they already provide and which already drains them. I feel guilty whenever I'm taken care of, because I feel as if I haven't earned it if I can't break even.
I feel good about myself when I can provide for others. I don't think it's wrong for people to need my help, so why would it be wrong for me to need theirs? Maybe I feel that I need to ration my resources (the 'favours' I recieve from others) to avoid future catastrophe. I'm scared of being disabled, because I don't trust that this world can take care of me.
I want to be a very capable person who can make use of my good fortune to secure decent living for myself and my friends and family. My best chance of achieving this is by consuming resources now to make lifestyle changes that will help me in the following years. But I'm still reluctant to. I'm relatively scared all the time, and still unable to turn that fear into action. I feel as if it will all be okay, even if I suffer, because others before me have been able to withstand greater suffering. I feel as if I have no reason to do anything at all.
Now, I would quite like to project these feelings onto a character, because that would make me happy! 🌈🎉😋✅️