Writing Blog

[randomthoughts949800]

Things I would like to do with you.

Things I would like to do with you.

I want to drink wine with you , get high with you for the first time, dance with you to no music at all. I want to see you and for you to see me. I want to accept you and everything and everyone who makes you happy. I want to challenge you and be challenged by you, to expand my horizons and grow exponentially. I want to be silly and sarcastic and have you be silly and sarcastic right back. Call me out, take me, sing to me. Try to tame me and fail. Make love to me, fuck me, claim me, and let me be free at the same time. Make me think. Make me grow. I am my own, but I am yours. Let us love each other in freedom, to be the best versions of ourselves both together and apart.

[randomthoughts949800]

Body shaming

I recently saw a meme that said something along the lines of "Why is it that a skinny model eating a cheeseburger is considered sexy, yet when a bigger girl does it all the sudden everyone is a goddamned physician concerned for her health?" It's because it has nothing to do with health and everything to do with controlling women's bodies. Now I've seen a lot of people on the internet complaining that skinny shaming is real and hurtful too. Yes, it is. However it is not as harmful, insidious, or as prevalent as fat-shaming. What does skinny shaming generally look like? It's people saying hurtful things like "eat a sandwich" or "guys like girls with meat on their bones" or "thigh gaps are gross." These type of statements are unhelpful and shaming. They assume that the owner of the body doesn't know what her body looks like, is skinny on purpose, and needs to determine her body size based on what guys like. It often masquerades as being worried about someone's health. So what does fat shaming look like? On the mild end of the spectrum it looks a lot like skinny shaming with people making unnecessary and overly personal comments about a woman's body. "She really needs to workout." "Maybe if she would just put the fork down or stop eating Cheetos." The same assumptions are at play here as with skinny shaming as well as faux concerns about her health. Let me say two things right now: 1) skinny people can be both healthy and unhealthy and chubby people can be both healthy or unhealthy. 2) Unless you are a woman's personal physician, her body weight and body shape are none of your fucking business. Got it? Good. Now let's move on. Here is where fat-shaming takes a sinister and dangerous turn off into crazy land. Overweight people are denied seats on airplanes, denied jobs, denied health insurance (or charged more for the same benefits), denied fertility treatment, and very frequently don't have their medical concerns taken seriously by their own doctors. You hurt your knee? Lose weight. You have a stomach ache? Lose weight. You have insomnia? Lose weight. And many times this blanket advice is given without further testing to see what is truly causing the problem. This can be fatal! An overweight or obese person can be denied a job (and therefore be without health insurance) or have a job and not be able to get insurance. Even a "fat" person with a job and affordable insurance won't have their medical concerns taken seriously. Then they will be told that their medical condition and weight are all their own fault for being gluttonous sloths. Have you ever met a young woman who wasn't overweight who was actively dieting? Have you ever known or heard of someone who wanted so badly to be "thin" that she engaged in dangerous behaviors to get there? The answer is almost certainly "yes." Now, for comparison, how many normal weight people (particularly women) do you know who are actively trying to gain weight strictly for aesthetic purposes? How many of those same people are engaging in life-threatening behaviors in order to gain weight? Probably not many. So while everyone can probably agree that both skinny shaming and fat shaming are inappropriate and hurtful to those being shamed, let's not accept the false notion that one is as bad as the other. Let's also try to be less hurtful and judgmental to everyone regardless of body type. You never know what someone is struggling with, so when given the choice, be kind. Disclaimer: While both men and women are shamed for their body type, this article is mostly about women due to the meme that inspired it. Also, many people are denied health insurance for a variety of reasons. This is both true and tragic. However, that is an article for another time and is not within the scope of this article.

[randomthoughts949800]

Closemindedness

People who aren't worth the time it takes to type out a coherent response (which would largely be lost on them anyway): 1) fat shamers 2) mommy shamers 3) Drumpf supporters 4) Anyone who can't accept that things change and progress over time (including how language evolves over time.) 5) mansplainers 6) racists, mysogynists, homophobes, xenophobes, and bigots of all varieties. 7) childless people who think they know how to parent your children better than you 8) people who aren't dissuaded/persuaded by facts or who don't know what a fact is. 9) people who have an opinion about your life who aren't willing to pay your bills. 10) people who insist that their country is the best 11) people who insist that their religion is the only true religion 12) people without empathy or compassion 13) people who, instead of posting their opinions on their own wall, insist on telling you how wrong you are on your wall because they like to argue or are in need of attention. 14) people who think they know what parenting 24/7/365 is because they have a pet or an elderly relative who does not live with them. 15) know-it-alls of any kind (including but not limited to people who must always be right and people who always have to have the last word.) 16) men who think they have any right to tell women what they can and cannot do with their own bodies (in regards to clothing, breast feeding, birth control, etc.) 17) slut shamers 18) people who don't understand the difference between intolerance in general terms versus intolerance of hateful and close-minded people. 19) "Christians" who worship Jesus on Sunday and want to screw the least of these (and anyone else who isn't unborn or rich) every other day of the week. 20) people who tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps while simultaneously stepping on them. 21) people who, when presented with facts, cry that they are being persecuted. So basically anyone who is a judgmental asshole.

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He Who Must Not Be Named

He Who Must Not Be Named What do you do when words are not enough? When you have used and heard the words xenophobic, racist, mysogynist, homophobic, narcissist, and dictator to the point where they are clichés that no longer hold meaning? What do you do when you are watching democracy and civil liberties erode before your very eyes? What do you do when money and hate seem to be more powerful than love and compassion? When the country you were born and raised in is no longer recognizable? Do you march in protest as millions did earlier this month? Do you call your congressman only to talk to a receptionist, if you are able to get through at all? Do you write letters and emails only to get an intern written form letter in response? Do you keep yourself ignorant in order to maintain your sanity? Or to you just resign yourself to at least four years of tyranny? I am tired of being angry, I am no longer surprised, and I have run out of righteous indignation. I am sad for my country and for the world. Unfortunately, I have no answers only questions and fear.

[randomthoughts949800]

Things no woman ever said.

Things no woman ever said: 1) I want a man who ignores me 90% of the time. 2) I want a man who doesn't text me back. 3) I want a man who tells me he's been "busy." 4) I want the man who is dating me to be actively looking for other women on an online dating site. 5) I want a man to only think of me on the weekends, if then. 6) I want a man who never tells me I'm beautiful or sexy. 7) I want a man who never sends me "good morning" texts. 8) I want a man who never takes initiative. 9) I want a man who doesn't know what he wants. 10) I want a man who flirts with me/goes out with me but doesn't actually want me

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The Furniture Test

I believe I have come up with a way of figuring out early on if a man I am dating will be compatible with me long term. I call it the furniture test. This test (before I ever thought of using it as such) has revealed to me much of a man’s character. It works like this: Ask a man to help you move furniture. If he refuses, makes excuses, or agrees but then doesn’t show up, you can rest assured that he cannot be counted on to help you when you need it. This man is only interested in what he can get from you, not what he can do for you. He is unreliable and selfish. On the other hand, if he shows up to “help” but instead takes over and refuses to let you contribute because you might hurt yourself, then he is,at best, underestimating you and, at worst, showing himself to be an overbearing mysogynist. This man wants a damsel in distress not a competent woman. His fragile ego doesn’t allow him to be comfortable with a strong or independent woman. So unless unreliable or overbearing are what do it for you, run immediately from any man who fails the furniture test.

[zydecolady]

that time I tried to learn to lead

and then I realized

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My rebuttal to "10 Things Men Wish Women Would Learn"

10 things women wish men would learn. 1. You are an adult, and we are not your mother. We do not need to tell you to do housework. If something needs to be cleaned, washed, or put away, take initiative and do it. 2. No one wants to see the inside of a dirty toilet bowl. If you insist on leaving the lid up, make sure that bowl is sparkling clean! Also, if you flush with the lid up, you just sprayed your toothbrush with dirty toilet water. Go you! 3. We don't think you are psychic. We think you are reasonably intelligent adults with at least a modicum of common sense. Don't make us think that we have overestimated you. 4. If you lost it or misplaced it, it is your job to look for it not ours. 5. If yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers, then learn to take no for an answer. 6. If we are expected to take a back seat to sports, then expect to take a back seat to whatever our hobbies are. 7. Doing unpaid work at home is part of being an adult. You are not exempt from this simply because you are male. 8. If you can remember sports stats, then you can remember birthdays and anniversaries. Its all about what you choose to give importance to. 9. You can either make us do all the housework or you can complain that we are too tired to do what you want, but not both. 10. We are not always thinking about you. Live with it. Bonus: It's not "helping" when you clean your own house or care for your own kids. It's not exceptional. It's called responsibility.

[randomthoughts949800]

50 Shades of Grey book review

Ever since the new trailer came out for the new 50 Shades of Grey movie, everyone and their brother has decided to give both the movie (which no one has yet seen) and the book series (of which most people have only read the first installment) scathing reviews. It seems to be the in vogue thing to do, like when I was in high school and no one was supposed to admit to having read the Sweet Valley High books, and if God forbid someone admitted to reading one, they were to express nothing but disdain for it. Likewise, 50 Shades of Grey is the new litmus test for whether or not you have good taste in reading material. Most of the hatred is not for the writing style, which is admittedly not top notch, but for the relationship between the two protagonists; controlling executive Christian Grey and the object of his obsession, shy college student, Anastasia Steele. The criticisms range from the series not painting an accurate portrait of the BDSM lifestyle to the novel being anti-feminist because Ana allows herself to be controlled and dominated by Christian. Here is my take on the book series, and I stress that I am referring to the series because 50 Shades is not a stand- alone book. I recently read an article comparing the 50 Shades movie to the 2002 movie Secretary starring Maggie Gyllenhall and James Spader. In the article author, Julia Pugachevsky of BuzzFeed, asserts that “Ana and Christian’s romance doesn’t ever blossom into a real, truly loving relationship” even though by the end of the series (spoiler alert) they are in love, married, have a child together, and are expecting another. Similarly Pugachevsky maintains that “Ana grows from her experience with Christian Grey, but not much beyond, Oh, this guy probably wasn’t the best choice.” She says this in spite of the fact that Ana does choose Christian again and again and even ends up marrying the guy! Apparently the author did not finish the book series. A popular internet meme has refashioned the book jacket to read “50 Shades of Abuse Romanticized” and lists signs of domestic abuse such as sexual and verbal abuse, public humiliation, and controlling where one goes and whom one sees. To the opinion of the artist/author Ana clearly must be a victim of domestic abuse. Ana, however, is a brave woman with a strong will. In the course of two weeks, she graduates college, quits her job at the hardware store, moves into a new apartment, starts a job search, and begins a relationship with a powerful and mysterious man. That is one tough woman! As you would expect of such a valiant female character, she exercises her free will on a regular basis. Christian wants to help her find a job, but she insists on doing it alone. He wants her to quit her job at various times, but she never relents. He wants her to exercise and eat more, so what does she do? She never exercises and eats only when she feels like it. The only place Ana is submissive is in the bedroom, which brings me to their sexual relationship. Ana continues in the dominant-submissive relationship because she chooses to. She is free to leave at any time. Moreover, she has her own apartment that she can go to and a support network of friends and family. People in abusive relationships are generally denied those things. She even learns to stand up to her pushy college roommate, who apparently has been bossing her around for years. Even in the sexual context of the red room, Ana is free to say “no” through a safe word. When Christian worries that it all might be too much for her, she assures him that she is where she wants to be and that she “likes rough sex.” Painting a woman like this as a victim is inaccurate at best, and anti-woman at worst. Then there are the holier-than-thou readers who pretend to be shocked by the sexuality of the book. One reader of the article mentioned above even commented that a woman who watched the movie had no right to complain about her husband watching pornography! I think most people are intelligent enough to know the difference between pornography and what the MPAA will allow in a rated R movie. So am I to suppose that this sanctimonious reader has never watched a rated R movie? Are we all supposed to be shocked that there are women who like sex or that there are women who prefer for men to take the lead in the bedroom? Or is it just their own lack of imagination that doesn’t allow them to envision anything beyond the missionary position? I read and enjoyed all three books in the series for what they were (erotic love stories about a non-traditional relationship between two deeply human characters) and not for what they weren’t (a BDSM how-to manual.) In the end it is a work of escapist fiction meant to entertain the reader, not an instructional guide or a great work of literature. If you read them with this in mind, you might find yourself delightfully entertained…just don’t tell anyone. Update: the movie has been released since the original writing of this review, and I can say that it was better than I had hoped. Gone are E.L James' cringeworthy metaphors and Anastasia's internal dialogue between her self conscious and inner goddess

[randomthoughts949800]

How to be a better dancer

Everyone who dances wants to be good at it. In order to accomplish this, you want to make the most out of every lesson. Schedules and budgets can be tight, so let’s look at how to get the most out of each and every minute.

1. Do what your dance teacher tells you.

This one may seem obvious, but sometimes doing what your teacher says to do with your own body may seem counterintuitive. It’s your body and your movements, right? You know what you are feeling more than the teacher, so he or she must be wrong! If this happens, have someone record you dancing then compare this video to that of someone whose dancing you wish to emulate. Do they look the same? No? This is because what feels good often doesn’t look good. What comes naturally isn’t necessarily good technique. Your teacher is a professional with years of studying correct technique. This is why you are paying him/her. Listen to your teacher! It will feel awkward at first but with practice it will start to feel natural and automatic. Which brings me to my second point

2. Practice, practice, practice!

Dancing is a skill like learning to play an instrument or learning to play a sport. If the only time you dance is during your hourly lesson, you won’t get very good very fast. Ask your teacher for drills that you can practice at home. Practice your routines whenever you can. If you don’t have room at your home, go to the studio, the gym, or even your back yard! If you cannot physically practice your routine for whatever reason, watch videos of your dancing to see where you can improve and visualize yourself doing your routines perfectly.

3. Prepare your body for dancing.

This includes eating right, exercising, and taking care of injuries. Eating right doesn’t mean starving yourself or dieting yourself down to a size zero. Dancing is a strenuous physical activity, and your body needs energy. Fuel it with high quality, nutrient dense food. Would you put cheap, low quality gasoline in a BMW? Of course not! A dancer’s body is more valuable to him or her than a luxury car could ever be. Don’t fuel it with Cheetos and Pop-Tarts. Likewise, you don’t have to be a gym rat to stay in shape. Get enough physical activity so that you can easily get through a couple of dances or run throughs of a routine without having to stop and rest. (Unless it’s polka. Polka will always make you feel like an out of shape, chain smoking couch potato.) And if you become injured, take care of the injury while it is minor. Don’t wait until you are in agony before seeking treatment. Listen to your body. A minor injury takes much less time to heal than one that ends up requiring surgery.

4. Set goals but have realistic expectations.

Sure everyone wants to dance like Baryshnikov or the professionals on Dancing with the Stars, but this may not be a realistic goal for you. To paraphrase Baryshnikov, you don’t want to dance better than anyone else, you should only want to dance better than yourself. Strive to be a better dancer today than you were yesterday. The best way to become the greatest version of yourself is to set goals that are both measurable and time bound. What does this mean and how does it look in practice? Let’s say you want to win your next dance competition. Maybe your first goal is to have your choreography memorized by your next practice session. This is both measurable (Did I have to refer to my video during practice? Did I remember all the steps?) and time bound (you know the exact time and date of your next practice.) Or maybe you want to break a bad habit. Tell yourself that you are going to do it X number of times in a row correctly by a certain date. Crushing your small goals will not only lead you to realize your larger goals, but it will also give you the confidence to keep going.

Of course the competition or the showcase is when you want to look your best, but the real work takes place when no one is watching. You have to put in the time and effort when no one cares but you. I will leave you with one of my dance teacher’s favorite quotes: “If you care at all you will get some results, if you care enough you’ll get incredible results.” –Jim Rohn

Disclaimer: The author of this article does not necessarily take all of her own advice (especially in regard to injuries.)

[randomthoughts949800]

Recovery

Unless you knew me well in college, you probably don’t know that I suffered from a serious eating disorder during those important and formative years of my life. An eating disorder that occupied my thoughts and actions almost every waking moment. An eating disorder that affected my health, my grades, my friendships, and my relationships. I did things to myself that were horrifying and that I would never think of doing to another human being. I was obsessed and miserable. I knew that something was very wrong and sought out treatment. I went to a support group on campus and did some individual counseling. I felt like the next step toward recovery was telling my parents who lived several hundred miles away. This was a mistake.

My parents, who in no way were affected personally by an eating disorder they knew nothing about, somehow managed to make it all about them. When I went home for Christmas break, my mother sent me to see her personal psychiatrist who proceeded to tell me that I wasn’t fat. That was his diagnosis and treatment. You’re not fat. Well thank you middle aged white guy! Now that I know that you don’t think I’m fat I’m all better now. Later that week I overheard my mother gossiping to one of her friends that the psychiatrist had told her that I was just copying someone. Copying someone! I had a college friend who had struggled with a different eating disorder while she was in high school. I didn’t even know her at the time. But apparently I wanted to be like her so badly that I developed an eating disorder (a different one than hers, by the way.) According to this theory, I was choosing to suffer, choosing this painful way of life, and all I had to do was to stop trying to be like Katie (not her real name.) It was like telling someone suicidal to just cheer up. I remember feeling betrayed and embarrassed that she was sharing such personal information as though it were juicy gossip. I felt hurt that my suffering and work towards recovery were being reduced to being a wannabe. Fortunately, I was able to return to school and my support group and continue getting the help that I needed.

Years later when I was in grad school and living at home again, I had a relapse. Not a full blown relapse, just a return to some unhealthy behaviors. My mother found out because this time I was living at home, and instead of being supportive or talking to me directly, again got on the phone to share my painful secrets with others. I heard her saying, “we’ve been through this before.” No, WE hadn’t. I had. I understand that eating disorders affect the entire family but in my case I was an adult who had been living several hundred miles away, and nothing I did on a daily basis affected my parents in any significant way, especially when they didn’t know about it. This was her attempt at garnering sympathy through the misfortunes of others, in this case mine.

I am now decades into recovery and hadn’t even thought about any of this for years until recent events brought them back to mind. But I have two messages. The first is for parents of those who are struggling: You can support your child without violating their privacy, without sharing details of their struggle without their permission. You can and should support them in a way that recognizes their own attempts and efforts toward recovery and does not deny how difficult it is. Suffering from an eating disorder is not a choice and recovery is a long, hard process.

The second is for those who are struggling or on the road to recovery. I have been eating disorder free for over 20 years. It is possible to live a life in peace with food and at peace with your body. I still have days where I don’t like my body or the way I look, but I have more days when I love my body for what it can do for me (I can dance!) and what it has done for me in the past (given me three wonderful children.) You are strong, and you are worth the effort. Don’t give up. I’ll be cheering for you!