The intro montage in ep 4 is insane bc it shows both of them looking at their calendars counting down the days till “I’m getting laid” but Ilya is also counting down till “He is coming to my house and I am going to buy ginger ale and I’m going to make him a tuna melt and I am going to ask him to stay”
loved your breakdown of how things are going for hollanov’s relationship in the show so far from shane’s perspective can we please see one from ilyas too your take on them is so interesting and correct
oh this is fun lol. okay let's cast our minds back. here's what's happened so far from ilya's perspective:
you get a certain Vibe from the nerdy uptight 2OA draft pick who's being set up to be your rival. you're not 100% sure what his deal is but you're 10000% sure it'll be fun to needle him a little because you like getting under people's skin and this kid is wound TIGHT.
you were uh. perhaps not expecting him to pop a boner looking at your beautiful bubble butt in the showers but listen, you are an opportunist and (we must say it) a total slut. you are always open to having a little fun, even or especially if that fun is a Really Bad Idea. it's hot and also you habitually engage in potentially self-destructive behaviors that could blow up your entire life because of your unresolved daddy issues.
the guy is sooooooo needy and eager to please and it's pretty hot. you're willing to take that for a spin again.
you hook up again. you exact a promise from him that you'll get to fuck him next time. except next time has to get rescheduled and then you don't see him again for a while and then suddenly he's playing hard to get which is a turn-on and unexpected because he's such a dweeb. how does he have game? it's fun to text him shit you know will make him blush or piss him off and the fact that he won't let you tap that even though you KNOW how thirsty he is for it is kinda delightful and is making you all kinds of competitive. this goes on for TWO. YEARS. you are of course fucking other people the whole time but you get kinda fixated on the idea of fucking shane hollander. in short you develop a big ol crush on this nerd but you aren't self-aware enough to register that.
you finally hook up again. tender & hot first time anal. it is hot but also unexpectedly sweet. he's such a dork. you ask jokingly if it was worth the wait and in answer he kisses your forehead. you feel a vague sense of uneasiness and an inarticulate need to escape the situation. you should go! you should go. you're going to go.
in sochi he tries to approach you and ask how you're doing like you're friends or something. this would probably not be an issue on its own but combined with your immensely stressful family shit and your professional humiliation on the international stage you cannot fucking deal. but also you won't fuck your old fuckbuddy from back in the day for reasons you are not going to examine. and also you will keep looking at the boring text from shane you never answered. god you are so emotionally obtuse it is insane. you are going to deal with all of these feelings you're not letting yourself register as feelings by ghosting the guy you like for six months. you are not at any point going to consciously think about why you are doing this. you just feel the antsy need to get the fuck out of this situation. you're a busy guy and there are lots of fish in the sea. you don't need to be fucking around with shane hollander.
but hey...... when you see shane hollander again at the awards ceremony.... he's cute and it's fun to get under his skin. you can't quite stop yourself from provoking a reaction. you make him jealous before you go on stage. you feel him up on stage because why not. what were you so worried about? it can be easy like it was before. maybe you guys can just pick up where you left off with the whole casual sex and rivals bantering over text thing. except then he runs off and you chase him down and uh oh. he's crying in a bathroom. that's not what you meant to happen. please see this post for the rest of the bathroom scene lol.
you have a GREAT plan for restoring equilibrium. you just won't kiss him! kissing makes things confusing for him. kissing also makes things confusing for you because of the things you feel when you're kissing him but you are so deep in denial about your own emotional needs that this does not register for you. you will also not touch him! you'll make him touch himself. this will be hot and sexy, like porn. this will be stripped of all intimacy and emotion, like porn. this will be just a means to get off that does not satisfy your deep craving for human connection in the slightest, like porn. also it makes you feel in control when you tell him what to do and he obeys you. and you need to feel that way, because so much in your life feels like it careening out of your control. like nothing you do can fix anything or change anything or bring anyone back. like you are spinning out on the edge of a precipice and there is nobody to reel you back in. so touch yourself, hollander. show off for me. i want to watch you.
and then he tells you that he needs you. he just straight up says: i need you. he just SAYS it. like he means it. like it costs him nothing to admit it. you HAVE to touch him then because you have no control you are so out of control you feel so out of control but not to worry! you can at least fuck him from behind and intentionally not kiss him and then kick him out so you can have a completely silent panic attack in the bed although you don't register it as panic because that would mean admitting that you are afraid. you are terrified of shane hollander. this is a man who can look you dead in the eye and say I need you. this is Not Safe.
fortunately you can immediately flee to a different continent, where you spend the summer sleeping around and drinking more than a pro athlete should in the offseason and staring at your phone in case he texts. then you guys just keep hooking up. you keep hooking up! and over time your behaviors around casual sex with women change enough that your childhood bff who knows you better than anyone else assumes you must be seeing someone and it must be serious. however you have never made a practice of looking under the hood of your own psyche and you are certainly not about to start now! maybe you can somehow get everything you want while risking nothing. you can keep sleeping with shane hollander and you can keep text flirting with shane hollander and you can invite shane hollander to your home and ask him to stay the night and this is fine. it will be fine.
then you attempt what might be the most disastrous defining the relationship talk in recorded history, in which you inadvertently define the relationship as: completely meaningless to you. way less important than all the casual to semi-serious sex you're busy having with women that's for sure. to be honest it's not even clear that YOU know what you're trying to do in this conversation. you sort of want to find out for sure if shane's gay so you know he's not fucking anyone else. you also want to make it clear that like, you have loads of options. virtually unlimited options. an all you can eat pussy buffet. you're not waiting for the phone for shane hollander (you have LITERALLY spent two full summers waiting by the phone for shane hollander). you somehow manage to imply that the guy you want to keep having sex with indefinitely should get himself a girlfriend, while also conveying to him that you find him boring but keep him around because you've trained him to blow you the way you like. nobody has ever fumbled the bag like this, ever. it is jaw-dropping. it is incredible. it is a testament to the fact that you are so terrified of emotional intimacy that instead of opening your mouth and saying "i have feelings for you" you instead open your mouth and effectively end your years-long situationship. although before the end you do manage to call him by his first name while coming, which freaks him out because what the fuck is happening. is this nothing or is it something. he can't handle this and who can blame him. he flees.
you do not follow up. in fact you seem to decide that the best way to handle this is to say nothing and to pretend it didn't happen. from your perspective you just invited your guy into deeper intimacy. you brought him to your house. you asked him to stay over. you said the words 'i like you' out loud. you attempted to tell him (in the most unbelievably garbled way imaginable) that you maybe probably might cut back on the sex with women for a while. you CUDDLED him on the COUCH like an IDIOT. you choked out his first name while orgasming. and he responded to all of this by dumping you while you were sitting there on the couch half naked with your dick still out. you are going to be spiraling about this for the rest of your miserable time on this earth. THIS is why you should NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER HAVE A FEELING MUCH LESS VOICE IT OUT LOUD TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEN he gets a HOT FAMOUS GIRLFRIEND and he brings her to his GAMES and puts her in his JERSEY on the JUMBOTRON. he's probably having SEX with her. he's NEVER going to touch you again he's NEVER going to suck your dick he's NEVER going to text you his dweeby little attempts at chirps he's NEVER going to go down for you in that way that makes you feel like even amidst all the horrible out of control bullshit in your life there's this one small quiet oasis of peace that nothing else can touch. if you don't rush out to get hammered and have empty meaningless sex with a stranger who doesn't give a shit about you you might die. you might actually die. you kind of feel like you're dying right now.
everything about the bathroom scene murders me. shane practically running from the awards ceremony trying to get as far away as he can so he can have his Big Feelings alone. ilya arriving just seconds later so you KNOW he was hot on shane's heels even if he's trying to act all casual about it like what are the chances i just sauntered into the same faraway bathroom. shane's FACE when he's looking at ilya waiting to see what ilya's going to say to him and you can just SEE the longing and confusion and hurt all over his expression. and then ilya LAUGHING, obviously trying to break the tension and make it just part of their jokey fuck-you bros bantering routine, giving shane an out (we don't have to get serious, we don't have to talk about it, we can just let the fact that i went radio silent and ignored you for six months slide), and shane refusing to take the out!! with TEARS in his EYES!!! demanding to know what ilya wants!!! and ilya being like ok i'll make it about sex that's safe. suck my dick. except you can see the second he registers that he's pushed shane too far and is in danger of losing him for good and then he pushes off the wall and closes the distance between them and grabs shane's jaw (you're MINE this is how I touch you you're mine you're MINE). and i love how the d/s text of the scene (ilya holding shane's face and making him say please) barely conceals the emotional subtext! the please isn't about shane wanting ilya to suck his dick!!! it's please see me, please want me, please don't ghost me, please need this like i do. please. it KILLS ME!!!! and then shane wants to be kissed sooooooo bad he's turning his face up towards him waiting and ilya doesn't kiss himmmmm he doesn't kiss him!!!! we didn't even kiss wahhhh but ilya lets him lean against him and take the wordless comfort he needs!!! and then they kinda find their footing again because shane got what he needed, sort of, or he got what ilya could give him and he’s decided to take it. the whole part afterwards wahhh where they're joking about the new yorker being boring (they're right) and shane's softened a little but his body language is still so touch me please hold me pleasepleaseplease let me lean on you hold me hold me hold me hold me will you just hold me and then finally ilya kisses him instead of telling shane what he's going to do with him because he can't say what he really wants to do (have him. hold him. keep him). SORRY to be such a HUGE SAP about it but i'm PASSIONATELY INTO IT
look what i can’t deal with seventeen hours later is how fucking perfectly connor hit the avoidant’s “this is so painful for me that it actually must be because something’s wrong with *you*” face, like this look pretends he’s outgrown the crisis shane is in the middle of and now ilya gets to judge shane for having it. no vulnerability ever, infinite plausible deniability (he never said it was serious he just told shane to stay!!!), tried to “hollander” him TWICE and the second one lifted the veil a whole imperceptible inch and obviously got ilya NOTHING because the guy he’s in love with can’t read basic social cues much less translate evil russian bisexual level compulsive sophistry. it’s so fucking—connor when i find you—
also the way ilya and shane both see people in the other's inner circle in the club scene and immediately search for each other is so insane. they're both so hyperaware and always searching for each other, so even the slightest hint they might be there makes them look all over the room.
You know whats really fucking me up about this moment in particular after they said each others first names?
We’ve all been so focused on Shane’s face and how he’s clearly panicking. But for Ilya in this moment he’s just opened his eyes again, breathing in Shane after this moment of vulnerability still in the afterglow of his orgasm.
You can see the tiniest hint of a smile from Ilya here as he’s taking this moment in and probably has a split second of “okay he’s on the same page as me right now, we can do this”. And he kisses Shane so softly on the side of his mouth (while Shane is turning away fml) and is holding his face so gently while doing so. What he doesn’t know is that in reality we are seconds away from disaster and Shane is about to rip his heart out of his chest
"hollander" (this doesn't have to change, we can go back, we can just be hollander and rozanov and ignore the strings, we can pretend it's nothing more and never talk about it and I'll never say shane again, I'll never ask for more if this is all i can get) "hollander" (there's nothing I can say to keep this from crumbling but i'm begging you)
Okay let's talk about that insane tightrope act Ilya tried (and ultimately failed) to pull off in the first half of the episode.
He invites Shane over to his house, through the front door (unlike Shane, who always invites him in through the back door), he basically begs Shane to stay overnight, he cuddles with him in bed, he gives Shane his own t-shirt to wear instead of the one Shane wore to his place, he cooks for him, he cuddles with him on the couch, etc.
He knows exactly how skittish Shane is. He's never been with a more skittish person in his life. He's trying so desperately to be closer to Shane, but he can't let Shane know that's what he's doing.
So he opens his fat stupid mouth and just starts bullshitting like the master bullshitter he is, hoping against hope that the words will be enough to distract from his actions.
If you look at his actions, and only his actions, it's painfully obvious he's doing everything in his power to be closer to Shane, to have more emotional intimacy with Shane.
But he doesn't want Shane to notice that's what he's doing.
So he makes jokes about how he's just using Shane for sex, hoping if he makes enough tasteless jokes Shane won't notice the dreamy wistful smile on his face. He brings up having a woman for a fuckbuddy, I think partially to see if it makes Shane jealous, partially in the hope that Shane will give him some kind of confirmation about whether Shane is seeing anyone else.
And then he, very, very lowkey, implies that he wants something more than fuckbuddies, but not with Svetlana.
He's so excruciatingly aware that Shane could bolt at any second, so he's desperately trying to sound super casual, like his regular asshole self, so Shane won't notice that he's not acting very casual at all, that he's not acting very much like an asshole at all, that he's curling himself around Shane, kissing the back of the head, carding his fingers through Shane's hair.
He's trying so hard to hold up this facade with words alone, but the facade cracks, and the most forbidden word of all, Shane's first name, slips out by accident, and that's all it takes.
It was such a pleasure to collaborate with the fabulously talented @seitsen-sarvi for @erurivacayzine. I've wanted to write a fic set in Buenos Aires forever and Marie's beautiful art captures the atmosphere perfectly 💕
Huge thanks to the mods for running this lovely project and for inviting us to contribute.
~~
The tango holiday to Buenos Aires had been Marie’s idea. She had come home from a night out waxing lyrical about a couple of friends who had recently taken up tango.
“It sounds wonderful, Erwin. They said it revitalised their relationship, I’ve never seen them look so happy! We should try it, please can we, darling?”
Erwin had agreed without hesitation, suggesting they sign up for classes at the local community centre, but Marie being Marie, had set her heart on a tango holiday to Buenos Aires. Despite his misgivings about the extravagant cost and his ability to dance, Erwin had been only too happy to agree. Anything to make Marie happy, no?
In hindsight, he should have recognised it for what it was; a last-ditch attempt to salvage a flagging relationship that had been on the rocks for well over a year. When Marie finally announced she wanted to end the relationship a month later, Erwin was deeply hurt but he wasn’t entirely surprised. He wasn’t blind, he could see it wasn’t working, that they weren’t making each other happy. The intimacy they’d once shared was a distant memory, he was just too much of a coward to admit it. What did surprise him was the speed with which Marie announced her engagement after a whirlwind romance with his erstwhile friend Nile. Unfortunately by the time they split up it was too late to cancel the holiday. Erwin gallantly offered both tickets to Marie and Nile as an engagement gift but she had curtly informed him that they were far too busy planning the wedding, and besides, Nile had no interest in something as trivial as learning tango.
“What am I going to do with two tickets for a dance holiday in Argentina?” he moaned to Mike. “I don’t know the first thing about salsa.”
“Tango,” Nanaba corrected him.
“See? I don’t even know the difference.”
“You should go anyway,” Mike encouraged him. “Buenos Aires is an incredible city.”
“And tango is so passionate,” Nanaba chipped in brightly. “Who knows you might even meet your soulmate!”
“That last thing I want right now is another relationship,” Erwin winced.
“You should go, a change is as good as a rest and all that. You could do with taking your mind off…things,” Mike finished tactfully.
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Veterinarian Erwin Smith, Health Inspector Levi Ackerman, Horror, Veteran Erwin Smith, Floch slander, one very good girl named Bean
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