A Rant About My Bisexuality for Bisexuality Day/Week 2014:
Alright, so I said I wanted to write about it being Bisexuality day and so thatās precisely what Iām doing. First off I identify as Bisexual, and I wish I had learned about this day earlier so I could represent myself with the Bi Flag colors or something, but as for right now I only have a disintegrated Bi Pride sticker on my phone and a bunch of rainbow paraphernalia.
Nevertheless, it isnāt about what I wear: I identify as Bisexual, Pansexual and Queer. Iāve heard people say they identify as Pansexual but not Bisexual, or Pansexual but not Queer, and many other similar things. I can only speak for myself, since itās up to each person individually to decide what they want to classify themselves as or even if they want to classify themselves, but as for me, I identify within all three of those.
Iāve had a bit of a struggle since throughout my life Iāve been unsure whether I actually *count* as Bisexual, but Iāve come to realize how silly that is, nevertheless, I still have some internal conflict. Itās especially strange since Iām not even sure if I can count myself as out. I mean I have āpansexualā listed under the About section of my blog, and on my instagram and pinterest account and such, but aside from online, I donāt frequently *tell* people.
Itās weird since in Junior High I would get annoyed when people assumed I was a lesbian. At that point I had crushes on females, but also males, though being in a Catholic school where the most I knew about queerness came from representation which often werenāt the most accurate or respectful ways of portraying queer people.
Nevertheless, by the time I went into High School I thought of myself as Bisexual, until I was told by a former friend, whoās opinion I valued more than my own, at that time, told me I was faking it for attention and that I was just an ally. I unfortunately believed her, and kept my queerness somewhat hidden.
Alright, so I said I wanted to write about it being Bisexuality day and so thatās precisely what Iām doing. First off I identify as Bisexual, and I wish I had learned about this day earlier so I could represent myself with the Bi Flag colors or something, but as for right now I only have a disintegrated Bi Pride sticker on my phone and a bunch of rainbow paraphernalia.
Nevertheless, it isnāt about what I wear: I identify as Bisexual, Pansexual and Queer. Iāve heard people say they identify as Pansexual but not Bisexual, or Pansexual but not Queer, and many other similar things. I can only speak for myself, since itās up to each person individually to decide what they want to classify themselves as or even if they want to classify themselves, but as for me, I identify within all three of those.
Iāve had a bit of a struggle since throughout my life Iāve been unsure whether I actually *count* as Bisexual, but Iāve come to realize how silly that is, nevertheless, I still have some internal conflict. Itās especially strange since Iām not even sure if I can count myself as out. I mean I have āpansexualā listed under the About section of my blog, and on my instagram and pinterest account and such, but aside from online, I donāt frequently *tell* people.
Itās weird since in Junior High I would get annoyed when people assumed I was a lesbian. At that point I had crushes on females, but also males, though being in a Catholic school where the most I knew about queerness came from representation which often werenāt the most accurate or respectful ways of portraying queer people.
Nevertheless, by the time I went into High School I thought of myself as Bisexual, until I was told by a former friend, whoās opinion I valued more than my own, at that time, told me I was faking it for attention and that I was just an ally. I unfortunately believed her, and kept my queerness somewhat hidden.
Then Sophomore year, I recall almost ācoming outā to a teacher who did a Cabaret talking about his experience as a queer person. I related a lot with the emotions portrayed in his show, yet wound up getting too nervous to tell him, especially in the presence of my mother.
In Junior year I had an enormous crush on a non-binary individual, and since my perception of Bisexuality at that time (which, mind you, is a false one) was that it excluded attraction to non-binary people. Subsequently I began referring to myself as Pansexual. I also told a few close friends, mainly because I wanted to fangirl about how utterly adorable my crush at the time was.
Senior year, I identified as Pansexual/Queer, but never made a point to outwardly say anything to anyone, to the point where when I finally told the afore mentioned teacher about my sexuality, he seemed utterly shocked that I wasnāt straight. It seemed odd to me, since I certainly didnāt see myself as the poster child of heterosexuality/heteronormativity.
I then went to Columbia. The plot thickens since at this point, after performing in a show called āQueertopiaā it seemed as though (in spite of there being straight people in the show) I was as out as Iād likely ever be. I saw myself as queer and carried on in a manor that didnāt hide it. Because of this, I got my first taste of homophobia directed specifically at me- I suppose being called a Lesbian in Junior High *might* count, but considering thatās as far as it went, and I didnāt really know what my sexuality was, it didnāt necessarily hit all that hard. As for at Columbia, although a lot of the anti-queerness messages I got were in regards to gender nonconformity, there was certainly lots regarding sexuality as well.
I shanāt go into it too much, but what surprised me and caught me off guard was that so much of the vitriol was directed at Queer/Bisexual/Pansexual people more than Gay or Lesbian people. Granted, there was awfulness towards those people as well, but the majority of the homophobia towards me in particular was due to me being bisexual/pansexual/queer. My feelings of discomfort and offense were often invalidated when I pointed out homophobia, since people frequently responded with something to the effect of ānone of the real gay people are upset by this, so you must be overthinking itā.
I also got into countless arguments when people said:
1. Iām not actually queer since Iāve never had a girlfriend.
2. Bi/Pan/Queer guys are actually 100% homosexual and are only trying to lessen the negative connotation by pretending to be āhalf straightā.
3. Bi/Pan/Queer girls are actually either straight girls who are too unattractive to find a boyfriend so they branch out, or are straight and just want to get the attention of a man.
4. Bi/Pan/Queer people are āsluttyā or amidst a phase.
None of these are correct, yet nearly any time it was made known that I was queer, one, if not all of these misconceptions would often be brought up. And Iām not trying to rag on Columbia (Iāve done a fair deal of that already, anyways), but what I am saying is that in the near Utopia that was my high school, where I was surrounded by queer teachers and students, my sexuality was nearly never made a big deal by anyone who knew or thought they knew about it, subsequently I never really thought of it being a defining characteristic of my identity.
But now that I have had an experience where I was surrounded by a multitude of people who were very unfriendly towards queer people, my Queerness/Bisexuality/Pansexuality has become so much more of my personality. During that time of difficulty, I found queer characters in media I could cling to and relate to: Hedwig Robinson and Donnie DuPre, both of whom I relate to for reasons other than their queerness, yet both I believe fall under the Bisexuality umbrella. Iāve heard people argue that Hedwig only likes guys and Donnie only likes girls, and I donāt want to be argumentative, but I have strong feelings and āproofā (although I donāt like that word) to show that my perception of them as falling under the Bisexual umbrella isnāt a completely irrational interpretation of either of them.
Now a days I see myself as tremendously queer, and although as of recently Iāve been trying to figure out if I could find words to fit me better, considering, for instance, I donāt see myself as especially hetero-romantic, but who knows about the future. Sexuality and Gender (and tons of other things for that matter) are fluid, so what I feel like today might be entirely different than how Iāll feel in a month or two.
I still feel weird about the prospect of actually ācoming outā to family members. Now a days I think all my closest friends know, and my new friends will likely find out soon enough- plus Iām apparently setting off peopleās gay-dars nowadays, which is a really interesting development for me. But as I was saying, Iāve tried coming out to family before and the only people whoāve respected and acknowledged this aspect of my identity are my mother and my surrogate brother. I have the suspicion that my other family members kept the knowledge in their brain, but donāt want to accept or say anything about my queerness, either because they donāt want me to be anything but heterosexual, or because they donāt feel equipped with any knowledge of queerness. If itās the latter, Iād be perfectly fine with helping them, of course!
Itās strange to me since I have been rejected by family in the past, and so, in a way, Iām a tad scared it will happen again- not just with queerness, but with any part of my identity that may be seen as too ārebelliousā. I think thatās why I connect so strongly with the prospect of families of choice, since if your beloveds know of the parts of your identity youāre afraid to show your biological family, and love you, not only in spite of, but sometimes because of that aspect of your identity, it seems like a far more sincere form of love.
And it isnāt necessarily that I feel like if my family knew, or rather acknowledged, my queerness, theyād treat me badly, but I feel like having them know that about me sooner rather than later might help for if a circumstance were to arise where I found myself entirely in love with someone who isnāt a cis man. The teacher I aforementioned twice already recently posted about how much joy he found in dancing with his beloved boyfriend among his catholic family he was once worried about coming out to. I related lots to it, and although I have SUCH an easy life as a queer person compared to so many, it did certainly hit home for me.
One last thing, before I shut up and work on things I actually should be working on: Iāve been reading/listening to lots of interviews in which Alan Cumming (who is a marvelous person, from what I can tell) talks about his own bisexuality. From what I can tell, people seem to see his bisexuality as so much scarier, for lack of a better word, than Lady GaGaās, for instance, and I think thatās because, as I said earlier while talking about fallacies: Queer guys are frequently seen as Gay and Queer girls are frequently seen as straight. As a queer girl, I donāt want to be seen as dangerous or scary, but it certainly upsets me that my queerness is seen as less legitimate than the average queer guy. Iām of course not begging for more homophobia, itās just something Iād be remiss if I didnāt mention while writing about my bisexuality.
Then Sophomore year, I recall almost ācoming outā to a teacher who did a Cabaret talking about his experience as a queer person. I related a lot with the emotions portrayed in his show, yet wound up getting too nervous to tell him, especially in the presence of my mother.
In Junior year I had an enormous crush on a non-binary individual, and since my perception of Bisexuality at that time (which, mind you, is a false one) was that it excluded attraction to non-binary people. Subsequently I began referring to myself as Pansexual. I also told a few close friends, mainly because I wanted to fangirl about how utterly adorable my crush at the time was.
Senior year, I identified as Pansexual/Queer, but never made a point to outwardly say anything to anyone, to the point where when I finally told the afore mentioned teacher about my sexuality, he seemed utterly shocked that I wasnāt straight. It seemed odd to me, since I certainly didnāt see myself as the poster child of heterosexuality/heteronormativity.
I then went to Columbia. The plot thickens since at this point, after performing in a show called āQueertopiaā it seemed as though (in spite of there being straight people in the show) I was as out as Iād likely ever be. I saw myself as queer and carried on in a manor that didnāt hide it. Because of this, I got my first taste of homophobia directed specifically at me- I suppose being called a Lesbian in Junior High *might* count, but considering thatās as far as it went, and I didnāt really know what my sexuality was, it didnāt necessarily hit all that hard. As for at Columbia, although a lot of the anti-queerness messages I got were in regards to gender nonconformity, there was certainly lots regarding sexuality as well.
I shanāt go into it too much, but what surprised me and caught me off guard was that so much of the vitriol was directed at Queer/Bisexual/Pansexual people more than Gay or Lesbian people. Granted, there was awfulness towards those people as well, but the majority of the homophobia towards me in particular was due to me being bisexual/pansexual/queer. My feelings of discomfort and offense were often invalidated when I pointed out homophobia, since people frequently responded with something to the effect of ānone of the real gay people are upset by this, so you must be overthinking itā.
I also got into countless arguments when people said:
1. Iām not actually queer since Iāve never had a girlfriend.
2. Bi/Pan/Queer guys are actually 100% homosexual and are only trying to lessen the negative connotation by pretending to be āhalf straightā.
3. Bi/Pan/Queer girls are actually either straight girls who are too unattractive to find a boyfriend so they branch out, or are straight and just want to get the attention of a man.
4. Bi/Pan/Queer people are āsluttyā or amidst a phase.
None of these are correct, yet nearly any time it was made known that I was queer, one, if not all of these misconceptions would often be brought up. And Iām not trying to rag on Columbia (Iāve done a fair deal of that already, anyways), but what I am saying is that in the near Utopia that was my high school, where I was surrounded by queer teachers and students, my sexuality was nearly never made a big deal by anyone who knew or thought they knew about it, subsequently I never really thought of it being a defining characteristic of my identity.
But now that I have had an experience where I was surrounded by a multitude of people who were very unfriendly towards queer people, my Queerness/Bisexuality/Pansexuality has become so much more of my personality. During that time of difficulty, I found queer characters in media I could cling to and relate to: Hedwig Robinson and Donnie DuPre, both of whom I relate to for reasons other than their queerness, yet both I believe fall under the Bisexuality umbrella. Iāve heard people argue that Hedwig only likes guys and Donnie only likes girls, and I donāt want to be argumentative, but I have strong feelings and āproofā (although I donāt like that word) to show that my perception of them as falling under the Bisexual umbrella isnāt a completely irrational interpretation of either of them.
Now a days I see myself as tremendously queer, and although as of recently Iāve been trying to figure out if I could find words to fit me better, considering, for instance, I donāt see myself as especially hetero-romantic, but who knows about the future. Sexuality and Gender (and tons of other things for that matter) are fluid, so what I feel like today might be entirely different than how Iāll feel in a month or two.
I still feel weird about the prospect of actually ācoming outā to family members. Now a days I think all my closest friends know, and my new friends will likely find out soon enough- plus Iām apparently setting off peopleās gay-dars nowadays, which is a really interesting development for me. But as I was saying, Iāve tried coming out to family before and the only people whoāve respected and acknowledged this aspect of my identity are my mother and my surrogate brother. I have the suspicion that my other family members kept the knowledge in their brain, but donāt want to accept or say anything about my queerness, either because they donāt want me to be anything but heterosexual, or because they donāt feel equipped with any knowledge of queerness. If itās the latter, Iād be perfectly fine with helping them, of course!
Itās strange to me since I have been rejected by family in the past, and so, in a way, Iām a tad scared it will happen again- not just with queerness, but with any part of my identity that may be seen as too ārebelliousā. I think thatās why I connect so strongly with the prospect of families of choice, since if your beloveds know of the parts of your identity youāre afraid to show your biological family, and love you, not only in spite of, but sometimes because of that aspect of your identity, it seems like a far more sincere form of love.
And it isnāt necessarily that I feel like if my family knew, or rather acknowledged, my queerness, theyād treat me badly, but I feel like having them know that about me sooner rather than later might help for if a circumstance were to arise where I found myself entirely in love with someone who isnāt a cis man. The teacher I aforementioned twice already recently posted about how much joy he found in dancing with his beloved boyfriend among his catholic family he was once worried about coming out to. I related lots to it, and although I have SUCH an easy life as a queer person compared to so many, it did certainly hit home for me.
One last thing, before I shut up and work on things I actually should be working on: Iāve been reading/listening to lots of interviews in which Alan Cumming (who is a marvelous person, from what I can tell) talks about his own bisexuality. From what I can tell, people seem to see his bisexuality as so much scarier, for lack of a better word, than Lady GaGaās, for instance, and I think thatās because, as I said earlier while talking about fallacies: Queer guys are frequently seen as Gay and Queer girls are frequently seen as straight. As a queer girl, I donāt want to be seen as dangerous or scary, but it certainly upsets me that my queerness is seen as less legitimate than the average queer guy. Iām of course not begging for more homophobia, itās just something Iād be remiss if I didnāt mention while writing about my bisexuality.
