hey man ill blow you for your apple juice

Matt/Matthew / He/Him/His / 27 / Minnesota My blog is mainly Achievement Hunter & Rooster Teeth posts. I also really like Back To The Future, Until Dawn, GTA, Neko Atsume, and Dead by Daylight. Those things will all probably make appearances from time to time :)

[despazito]

[realahcrew]

heyy so can anyone explain to me why tumblr suddenly loves diary of a wimpy kid? Where was this love 10-15 years ago when I could’ve used it?

[4bug-deactivated20210211]

[lesbiantiana]

[aropride]

it’s not fucking tinnitus idiot that’s my guardian angel speaking to me

[wizardarchetypes]

first time I ever went to the animal shelter and picked out my own animal was surreal. we had so many animals growing up but we never picked out any of them. and sure that’s normal for cats. they just showed up and we adopted them. but it didn’t end there.

we had a ball python because my mom was on a walk with her friends, saw it on the ground (this was Ohio) said “woah! that’s not native!” and put it in her purse. we advertised but never found the owner so we kept the purse python.

we ended up with a corn snake during a hurricane because my mom went out to get one of the cats and the corn snake was so little it came blowing through the air like a branch and my mom reached out and grabbed it out of the air to save it.

actually the point of this post is lost because I typed this far and realized the universe was maybe just sending my mom snakes specifically.

[narutwitter]

[etirabys]

I deserve more credit for not picking stupid fights on the internet than a nice person who doesn't pick fights does, because I have an unpleasant personality and it's harder for me

[talkingheadsfan]

my white ass is not immune to the nostalgia of viva la vida by coldplay

[whilomm]

ADHD tip: if u need to remember something, inconvenience urself with it.

works best with physical objects obviously but just. oh i keep forgetting my lunch box before work? now after prepping it i set it in front of the door so i cant leave without moving it. dont wanna forget to take my pills? well in about to eat dinner so im gonna set the pillbox down right where my plates gonna go. gotta deal with x before bed? well, ill set it on my bed so i cant sleep without moving it. make it so that u cannot proceed with another task without interacting with the forgetfullness object.

u can also sub in an object that maybe isnt the task itself but is a related reminder object (detergent for laundry, trash bag to replace bag when u throw out the damn trash, etc)

and not in the VICINITY of another task, like. the reminder object is On Top Of my game controller and i cant play video games without being reminded "oh i had TASKS".

[vampireopossum]

unfortunately i have to diagnose you with greg heffley kin

[the-haiku-bot]

unfortunately

i have to diagnose you

with greg heffley kin

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[teddy-stonehill]

I went to the local aviary today and they had some really mean things to say about owls.

[teddy-stonehill]

[elodieunderglass]

I can confirm that most birds have a detectable amount of wiring behind the eyes - blinking lights and buttons and sliders and frizzy things that spark and chirp and beep. They also have a lot of soul that can communicate with ours because the programming is fairly compatible. Vultures are clever and curious, swans are clear and lawful, chickens have a lot of personality, caged parrots are dissociated and disinherited and frankly worrying, falconry-trained birds of prey are tremendously businesslike.

And owls are absolutely lovely beasts with their own irreplaceable validity. but they are basically stuffed with polyester fiberfill. They have one button, like a child's toy dinosaur that opens and closes its mouth when you press the back of its head. And it isn't even a sophisticated electronic button it's just a lever that rocks back and forth to make the claws open and close. I think they may have actually evolved independently from sponges. Their skulls simply exist to create holes that funnel sound and light, and as a place to hang a giant hinged beak. An owl is just an empty tube like a windchime that the wind whistles through, and you can drop meat down it. They use the meat to generate feathers, and then emit the bones in pressed little packages like those machines that flatten a penny and stamp it with the logo of a theme park. I think that's the gist of it - most birds are electronics of varying levels of sophistication, but owls are just a system of levers and pulleys. No elevator music in those skulls, just the wind echoing through empty caverns of slightly irritating design. Absolutely fantastic.

[rudywiser]

Are owls smart? Lord no.

Are owls efficient? So much so, that they don't need to be smart.

[butchdykekondraki-moved]

...you do know nobody is seriously going to use er/ihm/sein for you right? at this point you're just making a mockery of actual trans struggles.

er/ihm/sein is german for he/him/his dumbass

[butchdykekondraki-moved]

hey while we're reblogging this post i just want everyone to know that this post, while funny, shows a genuinely worrying trend in the trans community. while everyone is so furious about neopronouns, you are actively excluding people whose languages do not use the standard american/westernized pronoun sets of he/him or she/her or they/them. like, as funny as it is that someone genuinely could not tell the difference between neopronouns and non-english pronouns, i do genuinely think it fucking sucks that i can't even have my own goddamn languages pronouns in my bio without getting told i'm a mockery of ''actual trans struggles'', when i myself am a trans person.

[tothechaos]

me trying to convince myself that the whole spectrum of human emotions is a good and necessary thing to feel even if its not comfortable while im actively experiencing emotions that make me feel like my bones are being dissolved in acid

[computationalcalculator]

[mihai-florescu]

Cant reblog that "why did u follow prev" post cuz i have no memory of anything. God himself just put u on my dash one day

[anistarrose]

children outside screaming: annoying but ultimately for the greater good. children need Going Outside and Screaming Time for proper emotional development. an auditory burden I am willing to bear

neighbor with his car he made louder on purpose: jail for neighbor. jail for ten thousand years

[beaft]

face of a man who has known sorrow

[beaft]

had to google this as i wasn't familiar with the name. incredibly specific and accurate reference. please don't compare my cat-in-law to a homestuck character again

[plaguedocboi]

Literally nothing will make me more evil than just being sort of overwhelmed by Noises

[valtsv]

to the casual observer it may look like i'm trying to summon a demon but anyone who knows me will realize that i am simply calling my wife

[underneath-the-skin]

The wife and the demon are the same person

[valtsv]

[an-anxious-gay-mess]

The fact that these replies would mean wildly different thing had they been said on a different platform, such as Facebook, is absolutely hilarious

[valtsv]

[sawnik]

me before getting to the end of this post