I Just Want To Find Happiness

28. life is weird

[reality-suckssssss]

If you could see into my mind...

I know that if you could see into my mind, you would cry. You see, if you could read my mind, you would find a world full of darkness hidden by my cheerful, bubbly exterior—the scary memories hidden behind closed doors and the endless screams of pain and sorrow, only slightly muffled behind the walls. And the faint sound of my weak inner child singing to herself in a corner of the room sitting on the floor, she sings a song I can't remember the name of, singing to distract herself from the horror in these rooms—horrors that sometimes escape their confinement and terrorize my whole being.

You'd see that sometimes I am terrified of myself. Sometimes I'm filled with hatred for every little thing, but mostly for myself. Some days, I am just a little girl who needs to be cuddled and to feel safe.

If you could see in my mind, you'd find yourself in the middle of my chaotic soul. You'd see the darkest and lightest parts of me, things no one has ever and probably will never see, you'll see my vulnerability in the form of a trapped little girl. She's good, she's bad, she's broken, and she's scare, lost—locked away from the outside world forever in the storm of my mind.

So, I know that if you could see in my mind, you'd run away. Everyone runs away. This has taught me to be scared to feel my emotions fully and scared to show these emotions. I am desperate to be loved the same way I love—overfilling everyone's cups while mine remains empty. I am so desperate for love, but I'm locked away. The huge walls I've built and hide behind are now impossible to get through, so I just live here, in lonely, guarded darkness until the end of time.

[reality-suckssssss]

Here we are again

standing at the edge of disaster, At the edge of losing not only my heart, but my very soul. The same questions I have answered, The same sweetness in your voice, laced with poison. The same shift in your face that I always see in this situation, softness melting into something I know too well, that cold and cruel demeanor. And still, I answer them again. Still, I brace myself for impact. Still, I whisper a silent prayer inside my mind, that this time I will be wrong. Things have been so beautiful, I tell myself. How can the sky darken so quickly? How can love turn so bitter in an instant? The tension rises like a shaken can of cola, pressure building beneath the surface, swelling, trembling, waiting for the perfect moment to explode. Your voice raises, your beautiful eyes usually warm and soft become stones, hard, cold, and aimed directly at me.I feel like small child. Wanting to cover my ears, shut my eyes tight and hide away in a small space like I used to as a child.

How can everything be so beautiful one moment and unbearable the next?

Your words do not stumble out of your mouth by accident. They are sharpened first, then thrown at me in the name of “honesty.” Each one lands painfully in my heart, Each one cuts deeper than the last. You make me question my own existence. You give a voice to every though that keeps me awake at night. Every one of those cruel thoughts that race through my mind return to me through your mouth, Hitting places inside my soul so deeply. The pain is blinding and I taste iron on my tongue as I bite the inside of my cheek to ground myself, the ringing in my ears silences any other noise and the drop in ny stomach feels like I'm free falling.Never in my life have I felt so disrespected, so discarded, so unloved, so completely broken. I feel worthless. Like wasted space. Like an inconvenience that should never have existed at all. Maybe it is true.

it has been the whisper in my mind since I was a child. But you? … you were the one place where that whisper went silent.

You, and my father, who rests in heaven were the only ones who made me feel I was worth keeping, and made me feel safe, but now i see i was wrong. the agony is not only in your words, but in the realization of what you truly think of me. How you see me. How little I must mean to you. That truth tears through me deeper than anger ever could. me hurts down to my soul in a way that is too vast for language and to heavy to survive under its weight. Yet still all I want is you. Your arms around me to make all of these feelings go away. Why? I question myself as I simultaneously pray for you to love me softly, gently and kindly again. For you to just love me, again

[autistobrat]

this too shall pass but the fuck was that for

[reality-suckssssss]

Fr

[kosmogrl]

[reality-suckssssss]

If you asked me who my writings are about I'd tell you they're about no-one in particular..

I don't wanna scare you away when you read the things I write but you see the things written down on paper don't come even close to the things that come across my mind when I see you. Those beautiful brown eyes that look like honey in the sun, the curve of your sweet lips, the chime In your laugh that makes my heart sing and wonderful smell you have. You smell like home, you are wonderful like getting wrapped in a warm embrace, and you bring my soul peace like the peace and joy you feel coming home after a tough day and you discover that your favorite food was made for you . Everything about you is my favorite thing even when you're trying to annoy me or get me mad because it's so funny seeing the look on your face when you know you've succeeded. The smile that paints your beautiful face after i say "its not funny" which i know you'll follow with "it's funny to me". If you asked me who I write about I'd say no one in particular so you don't see how I am down bad, down bad for you, I'm not ashamed of it but I don't want you to know because I don't wanna be vulnerable and give you that chance to hurt me...but i secretly pray that, that never happens. I love you, your smile, your laugh, your crazy hair, your body, the funny voices and sounds you make, the feeling of your skin on my skin and just how funny and playful you can be. i love you in the purest way and I pray to grow old next to you, Honey

[reality-suckssssss]

I feel like I talk about you one more time everyone will get sick of me bringing you up.. haha they say I've changed, and that everything revolves around you but You see all I can think about is you. You occupy so much of my mind and my heart and i want to scream to the world that I, a girl who didn't believe in love, who always wanted nothing to do with it because of the fear of being hurt, that's all I've ever seen from those around me and I've experienced. I said to myself its just a chemical in the brain and that is all and yeah maybe it is a chemical in the brain but that is NOT all there is to it, What i feel for you is not just a chemical in the brain. you have taken over me in a way i never knew was possible and you show me that i am not alone in this dark and gloomy world. You are the first to ever show me what its like for someone to care for you just as much as you care for them, to love fully and be loved back truly, I feel like im losing my mind but in a good way. I dont know how to Express myself properly, I have never had a safe outlet or been allowed to without it being and issue, we argue and you call my overthinking as being dickhead but you still listen to me even when im a pain in the ass, i want to tell you how i truly feel but my words are a pile of mush because i cant put i to words what i feel for you and it fucking terrifies me. Someone once told me "if it scares you that much its not love" but how i tell them I'm not terrified of you but of myself? I'm scared that I will scare you away because I am fucked up, I'm a lot to handle and im to possessive and territorial, I have never been loved before and I am a bit of a handful and I know it. I am terrified of what i feel because never have i experienced something so intense, raw and so beautiful in the way that things are with you, what i feel for you makes anything I've ever felt for anyone seem like a joke but you see i am scared of getting hurt. I am scared of being broken because i am already at that setting and if you break me i dont think i will ever come back from it. I am terrified of how much i think about you. How much of me is for you, about you only Terrified of how happy you make me and the fact that my happinesss could be take away in the blink of an eye. You see happiness is not a common visitor for me and it usually goes away quick like the wind, there only for a second, give the next. But i cant lose you. I am Terrified that you'll get sick and tired of me and you wont want me anymore. The thought of you not wanting anything to do with me, the thought of not talking to you causes physical pain in my chest because you are the sunshine within my darkness and everyday that passes by i want nothing more than to be with you, I'm sick and tired of my brain, the overthinking and the doubt that goes on in my mind and all the shit that has happened in between but you're my person, the love made for me. If its not with you it's with no one.

I love you

Always and forever

[reality-suckssssss]

Im so tired.

I dont know how to explain it, i dont know how to put into words but I am so tired.

this feeling is soul level tired that doesn't go away with sleep, i meditate, I read, I am crafty , i do everything to keep my brain busy because if im busy the tiredness is bearableb but I am so tired

[remanence-of-love]

[free-my-mindd]

[reality-suckssssss]

**Panic**

I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how to feel. All I know is that it feels like I’m losing you. Maybe I’ve always been losing you, maybe it was always a battle my heart was never meant to win. But loving you was never something I knew how to do halfway. I'll fight to the death.

Now this feeling has crept in and wrapped itself around my chest, and I don’t know how to carry it.

It feels like you’re slipping through my fingers like water — impossible to hold, impossible to keep. The tighter I try to hold on, the faster you seem to disappear. And I keep reaching for you anyway, even when I feel you drifting further away.

I’m scared.

Not a quiet kind of fear, but the kind that makes the tiny hairs on the back of my neck rise like my body is trying to warn me of something my heart refuses to accept. My heart pounds wildly in my chest, frantic and desperate, like a small animal being chased through the dark. It beats so hard I can hear it echo in my ears, feel it slamming against my ribs like it’s trying to escape.

The panic starts in my chest and spreads through me like ink spilled across a blank page, dark and unstoppable, bleeding into every part of me until it settles deep in my bones.

I don’t know what to do.

Time feels unreal now, Moments stretch painfully long and then vanish in an instant. Everything feels too fast and too slow all at once. My stomach twists and churns like something inside me is trying to escape.

The panic is loud. It rings in my ears and drowns out everything else. My mind races through scenario after scenario like a bullet train that refuses to stop, crashing through every possible ending. It slows only for a breath before rushing into the next.

And your words… your words feel heavy.

Not just the things you say, but the way you say them. That tone. The one that sounds soft and gentle on the surface, but carries something sharp and dangerous underneath. Sweet, but laced with something poisonous. A tone I’ve come to recognize, a tone that seems to appear only when things are about to fall apart, The tone that feels like goodbye before the word is ever spoken.

And that’s what terrifies me the most.

Because I can feel it coming, like the quiet before a storm, a storm I know I won’t survive. My chest tightens, my breath catches, and I keep searching for something to hold on to before you disappear completely.

And I don’t know what to do.

I’m scared.

[remanence-of-love]

[reality-suckssssss]

You asked me, “If you knew in the beginning, on our very first date, everything we’ve been through or that we’d end like this, would you still be with me? Would you do it all over again?”

And the answer is yes.

Despite all the things N- has done… what I know, allllll the things I’ve seen, what my intuition tells me about her. Despite your ex and all her efforts to separate us and cause the issues she continues to create even to this day. Despite the “study” that felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest when I first discovered it. After that fight… the feelings. The pain that often rips me out of my sleep in cold sweats, the nightmares that come from that. Despite how cold and harsh your words can be when you’re upset, hurt, or angry — with no pause or second thought about how they might hurt me because they’re “facts.” The words used to describe women that aren’t used when talking about me, as if adding different words to describe me is supposed to soften the blow from all the others used for them and not for me, it doesn’t soften the blow. It hurts. Every single time. I try to train my brain to believe it’s okay. I tell myself, I know what to expect. I know how these conversations go, I think I know what words will leave your mouth. But even though I know, they always hurt. The sting they bring lasting for days at times. Despite all of this — even if I had known all the pain and struggles that would come with loving you — I would still do it all over again a million times. Because in life there's ups and downs and while there has been a lot of bad, there has also been soooo much goodness.

So many memories that I will forever hold dearly in my heart flood my mind. The beautiful sound of your real laugh — one I don’t get to hear often, but is my favorite. Your kisses, your touch, the feeling of your skin beneath my fingers, your smell. Even when you’re sweaty and stinky, it all smells like home because it’s the smell of you.

Everything about you. Every laugh we’ve shared. Every touch. Every night we’ve shared a bed. The feeling of comfort and peace you bring to my soul on such a profound level — like nothing I ever knew I could experience.

I think of the many times a nightmare tore you away from me and I'd awake up scared, my heart pounding loudly in my ears, only to be met by your sweet face dimly visible in the blue light of the fan — or on some nights, just the outline of you. I would look at you, listening to your slow breaths until my nervous system calmed down, feeling the peace that radiates off of you seeping into my soul. Some nights, you’d reach for me in your sleep — that embrace feeling heavenly — the warmth of your body reminding me that you’re still there and that nightmares are just that… nightmares.

Except this time, it’s not a nightmare — but I wish I could wake up. Wake up and have you sleeping next to me, your lips slightly parted and your hand resting on your chest like always. All of these things — the good memories — will stay in my heart until the end of my days.

So to answer your question: yes, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. No hesitation. Because getting to love you, and being loved by you, has been the most beautiful experience in my 30 years of life. And if we part ways for good, at least I had the privilege of loving you — even if it was only for a small fraction of the time we’re given in this life. I will forever pray that you come back to me so we can live happily like we did in those 2 months when it was just you and me, living like a newly wed couple full of happiness and love for each other. I often find myself in those memories and I wish those times come back. I love you, forever and always.

[nothingspecialjustasoul]

It’s hard to accept how easily I became nothing.

[nothingspecialjustasoul]

It kills me inside when I think I have to act cold to protect myself knowing I'm the sweetest and clingiest soul you'd ever meet.

[nothingspecialjustasoul]

I miss the version of life that felt softer before I learned how temporary things are.

[remanence-of-love]

[nothingspecialjustasoul]

I break my own heart by expecting people to be as attached to me as I am to them.