reading a “there was only one bed fic” and the characters have decided to share the bed as long as they stay on their sides. i’m really glad they figured that whole mess out and am excited to read about them staying on their sides of the bed until morning^-^
the best fanfiction you've ever read was written by a woman in her 40s before she made dinner for her kids. it was written by a teenager after school when they should've been studying for a history test. and a barista came up with the idea while they cleaned the espresso machine and busser fact-checked it on their break and the post-doc edited between writing grant proposals and the nurse apologized for typos in the notes after a long shift and behind every drabble and one-shot and multi-chapter fic there is a person with a wonderful and interesting and chaotic life and it is such a privilege that we get to be apart of it because they decided to do this thing we all share, for fun.
HEATED RIVALRY WEEK 2026 (@heatedrivalryweek)
Day 6 — Favorite Scene: shane hollander having the absolute worst time of his life coming out to his parents and trying to explain his romance with the bisexual depressed russian terminator comedian ilya rozanov, meanwhile said bisexual depressed russian terminator comedian is having the time of his life obsessing over the whole concept of the word 'lovers' and trying his hardest not to tell the hollanders he’s been fucking their son for years 😭.
Make no mistake, Ilya and Shane are fully co-obsessed. Sure, Ilya's all "freckles 🤤" but Shane is JUST AS DOWN BAD, POSSIBLY EVEN MORE
Shane jerked off on Draft Day thinking of Ilya because Ilya TOUCHED HIS FINGERS TWICE.
FINGERS.
TWICE.
NONE OF THAT PHRASE IS A EUPHEMISM
A FULL YEAR LATER, Shane's all "hey man, let's just forget about this." Then Ilya adjusts his towel a lil and Shane says "1410, fuck me up bro." No second thoughts. Dickmatized by the MEMORY of Ilya jacking it in the shower.
Ilya says "more" and Shane's all "fuck germs, Imma spray this phallic metaphor STRAIGHT DOWN MY THROAT, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS."
Shane KNOWS hotel rooms have shitty soundproofing and that Scott Hunter is RIGHT NEXT DOOR and Ilya LEFT HIM IN THE GODDAMN HALL and Shane is still "sir yes sir" when Ilya orders him to his knees.
EVEN ILYA WASN'T PREPARED FOR THAT. CANONICALLY.
Ilya dicks Shane down SO GOOD the first time they hook up in Montreal that Shane sits his FRESHLY USED ASS on THESE COLD CONCRETE STAIRS, listens to Ilya mock his Olympic dreams, AND STILL LOOKS AT HIM LIKE THIS ARE YOU FKN KIDDING ME
Ilya ghosts him for six months, says "suck my dick" as a hello, makes Shane BEG in a PUBLIC BATHROOM and Shane still WHIMPERS when Ilya says "well actually let's play a game."
This is not the face of tolerance my peeps, this is straight up OBSESSION.
"We didn't even kiss" but come October IT'S NOT JUST LAUNDRY GETTING FOLDED OVER THE COUCH AMIRITE?!
IN TLG Shane drives two hours on the worst roads in Canada WITH A PLUG IN HIS BUSSY B/C ILYA WORE A MINISKIRT FFS
"It's not the sex Alice, " yes I hear the objections so ok, let's talk ridiculousness.
Shane gives up the diet he's made HAYDEN AND JACKI commit to for SIX YEARS because Ilya says "I'll make you a delicious but actually horrendous sammich."
Shane sees Ilya lick ONE GIRL'S EAR AND HAS A TOTAL MENTAL BREAKDOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF A CLUB. IN MONTREAL. The quintessential Canadian experience.
Ilya promises chocolate bars to a buncha kids, tells Shane (in his geometric dick shirt) to pay for it AND HE DOES BECAUSE ILYA LOOKS CUTE PLAYING WITH KIDS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
THE HOSPITAL SCENE OMFG.
On the left, Shane before Ilya arrives, on the right, Shane after. HE LITERALLY COMES TO LIFE.
When Ilya comes to the hospital, Shane is so doped up he has no inhibitions. What's his first repsonse?!? "EEEELLLYAAA" at a volume that might actually be a noise violation.
Ilya is like, "discretion, my sweet broken nerd," and Shane is like "NAH BRUH, LET ME ANNOUNCE HOW MUCH I NEED YOU AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS HURRAY FOR FOIP IMMA TELL ALL THESE NURSES ABOUT HOW MUCH I WANNA SNUGGLE YOU ILYA ROZANOV CAPTAIN OF THE RAIDERS AND MY GREATEST RIVAL"
In TLG?! Shane says, no dogs, Ilya says, well actually we are dog parents now and Shane's like "bet. Leave your pet chaos in my home permanently despite the fact you're hardly ever here. Your child is our child. I have always loved dogs."
Yeah, Shane's a private person but don't you think, once they can be public, Shane isn't within three feet of Ilya at all times they're in the same space? Like THOSE couples at the restaurant? You know them. Disgustingly in love. No sense of decorum at all.
Shane was all full contact foot touches when THEY WERE PLAYING IT SECRET.
WHAT ON EARTH MAKES YOU THINK HE'LL BE NORMAL WHEN THEY CAN BE OPEN ABOUT THINGS.
Shane ran across like seven football fields and the fuckin Laurentians IN A TOWEL WHEN SOMEONE SAID ILYA'S NAME WHEN THEY WERE STILL "SUPER SEKRIT LOVAHS."
"Maybe he's sick" "nope, I'd know because I was suckin his cock before the game, i took his temperature WITH MY TONSILS."
The only thing keeping this dork's love life a secret is heteronormativty and the alarming rate of CTE in professional men's hockey.
You think he's recovered from this once HE CAN ACTUALLY JUST BE HONESTLY OBSESSY MESSY?! Oh nay nay, HE WILL BE SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE. He will be attached to Ilya's belt loops at all times.
Shane is so fucking obsessed with Ilya it's unbelievable. Honestly the least believable thing to me about TLG (and I get it, for story beats) is that Shane isn't continually checking Ilya's Insta.
(In my headcanon, Shane avoids Ilya's social media because it makes him miss Ilya too much. MY HEADCANON YOU CAN'T CHANGE MY MIND)
The man was watching tape of Ilya before his voice cracked. Ilya is the boy he wanted when they were still children on separate continents. Shane was excited about Ilya before he even knew he was into dudes. They were both obsessed before they even met, and it never stops.
It's fun to imagine Shane being huffy because Ilya fucked up the dishwasher or something, just cuz angy kitten Shane is always a party. But never for a moment think Shane merely tolerates Ilya.
LOOK AT THE PHOTOS I POSTED. SHANE'S FACE IS NOT THE FACE OF TOLERANCE, PEOPLE. OR EVEN ACCEPTANCE
This is OBSESSION. There's nothing tolerant here, this is full on "I CELEBRATE YOUR EXISTENCE. MY LIFE MEANT NOTHING BEFORE YOU AND WILL MEAN NOTHING WHEN YOU ARE GONE. ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED IS YOU."
Shane is DOWN HORRENDOUS for everything Ilya does. Don't ever doubt it.
the worst thing about writing or any kind of craft is having an idea you're really excited to make a reality but then you sit down and realize how much work it's going to take to get to that point and suddenly you feel like those two little gay guys in the mountain in the lord of the rings
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