[rebelyelling]

Pt whatever of things my patrons say

——

P1: do you sing?

P2: no i suck

P1: you dont sing at karaoke?

P2: no im a back up dancer. And i suck at that too

——

P1: do you know what she said to our head [caregiver] when she got pregnant?

P2: mind you i just got promoted

P3: she didnt even hesitate

P2: laughing

P1: she told her “does she ever close her legs”

——

P1: feet finder pays my bar tab

P2: really?

P1: theres some weird freaks on the internet

——

P: if i come in asking for a pickleball throw me out

Me: you got it

——

P: bye [name]

Me: by twilight zone [name]

P: doo doo doo do

——

P1: hes staying at the queef hotel

P2: pretty sure its not called that

——

P1: the best western

P2: im naming my kid the best western

Me: im not usually judgy, but im judging

P2: ooh what about motel 6. Always leave a light on!

Me: naming a kid motel 6 is like asking for it to be a no child left behind kid

P2: [name] that was fucking amazing

——

P: i hate you guys and youre getting a $0 tip

Me: 100% tip thank you so very much

P: youre the worst bartenders here

Barback: and yet you keep coming back

P: fuck. You right *tips normally*

——

P1: do you have chalk someone ate it all

P2: someones EATING the pool chalk?

P1: yeah thats why theres never any chalk

——

P1: can i get my drink from the worst bartender

Me: sure, hey [cook]

Second bartender turns away laughing

Cook: yeah?

P1 mortified

——

P1: if i see that guy im punching him

P2: hell yeah, he deserves it

Me: hmm?

P1: nothing. Nothing is happening no ones punching anyone

——

P: i tip [different bartender] better than you cause he knows my seasonal veriations and has a beer for me when i walk in

Me: thats because you show up on his shifts more than mine. I saw you like nine months ago i could have had a baby in the time between your visits!

P laughing: can we hire a baby to work?

——

P: wheres [owner]?

Me: where do you think?

P walking past her to go into office: hey- theres no one here?

Owner: cause im right here

——

P1: i will pay you to shut up

P2 still talking

P1: seriously i will pay you

P2: still talking

P1 slapping a $5 down: shut the fuck up!

——

P1: theres something in the air. It smells like bacon

P2: bacon

P1: [name] are you making bacon?

Me: no. Its mozzi sticks

——

P: oh word you have totinos pizza?

Bartender: yeah its $7

P: nevermind im not drunk enough for that number

[rebelyelling]

Slow day, know what that means

——

Owner: he’s a germaferb

——

P1: my inlaws are in town and its been a 24 hours

P2: say no more

——

Me: youre at uncle [redacted] levels right now

P: dont call me your uncle

Me: well stop acting like one

——

P1: come over we’ll have a split roast and everything

P2: woah dude, i know we’re close but not that close

P1: spit-roast not split! We’ll bbq

P2: well why didnt you say that!

——

Context p2 is colorblind

P1: men dont know individual colors. Ask a guy and they wont know what sea foam is

P2: *death glares*

——

P: *orders a purple drink and stares at it*

Me: what? Its purple

P: i hate being colorblind

——

P: my eye is leaking. hey [redacted] its [redacted] right? Can you get me a napkin for my leaking eye?

——

P1: we used to light ourselves on fire for fun

P2: we used vasoline for that too!

Owner talking to a different person: yeah!

P2: hey [Owner] will you light your nipples on fire and twirll?

——

P: that person has real close eyeballs

——

P1: Dumb, dumb, dumber, and dumbest are here

P2: as the second dumb im offened that you didnt say dumberest

P1: this is why youre dumb

——

P1: youre going home with my brother tonight yeah?

Me: no im going home alone tonight

P1: but youre taking my brother yeah?

Me: no im ten years older than him no

P2: well you know hes legal

Me: im not doing it

P1: i just want him to go home with a lady tonight

Me: well it aint me

——

Me: drink em or lose em boys

P1: you waiting on me?

Me: you and your dad

P2 (dad): in that case *pounds beer*

Me: now im waiting for you

P1: shit!

——

P1: youre so smiley today

Me: thank you

P2: its the delirium hitting

Me: what can i say its 1 am and i havent sat down in 7 hours im loopy

P2: preach!

P1 *laughs*

——

Barback: mcscreamy over there was pissed about the water being out

Me: mcscreamy?

Bb: yeah you know the one who screams all the time

——

Other bartender: have you seen the naked running lady?

Me: no? A naked running lady?

OB: yeah everynight around midnight a naked lady goes running past

——

Many more to come on other slow shifts

[rebelyelling]

Another slow night. Know what that means

——

P1: *misses pool shot* this must be a left handed stick

P2: want to swap it with one of yours?

P1: i do have two in the office

——

P: guys night is slowly making its way down here

Me: bring it

——

P1: its not you were worried about. Its the guys saying something and getting hit

Me: i wont blame you for the boys behavior

P2: we dont need another [name] incident

——

P1: you better not skip my song

P2: you can skip this song

P1: whats wrong with yellawolf

P2: nothing

P1: is this the stance you want when jesus christ returns?

P2: yellawolf is jesus?

——

Patron fumbles a pool shot

P: i am not a make-a-wish kid

——

Me to owner: a teeney bopper is trying to fight [football player]

——

P1: we dont like liars

P2: i didnt lie they were just closed

P3 (across the bar): did you just irish hello?

——

P1: [name] i got a new step-dad for you

Me: i dont want to be related to you

P2 (dad of p1): i dont either

P1: *offended noise*

——

P1 (speaking to his friend): you goin to twirl now princess

P2 (big burley man): *spins* gunna buy me a drink now?

——

Me to bartender: wanna make me a drink, and put it in this guys tab (points to regular)

P: yeah put it on my tab

B: i was already going to

P: wait what?

——

Barback: [full name] are you drinking right now?!

Me: i earned this drink!

——

(We called some guy to come pick up his friends from the bar and my regulars went outside to help)

P1: situation is handled

P2 (stayed inside): did something happen?

P1: no

Me: are you sure?

P1: just know that he got in the car

Me: sounds sus but ok…

——

(Havent seen this regular in a while)

P: aw you missed me

Me: no i miss you giving this one (points at owner) a ride home. I had to do it thursday

——

(Regular runs into the dry room where we store the freezer that holds ice cream)

P1: you have ice cream?

P2: is he even allowed to go in there?

Me: you better put my ice cream down sir

(P1 put ice cream back and goes back out)

P1: she nearly bit my arm off!

——

More to come

[rebelyelling]

Since it has been a while, and i’m covering a slow shift, here are some more things my customers have said.

P1: this is a good luck quarter, not a tip

P2: wouldnt that just be a tip though

P1: no if i tipped a quarter i would be a shit tipper. This is a good luck quarter.

—

Bartender: im akward as hell. Just call me Akwardus Prime

P: Optimus Prime?

B: no

*akward silence*

P: well this is akward Optimus

—

Me: good talk

P: [other bartender] tried to tell me i didnt get all of you on that, but im sure i was the only one to say it before you all

Me: i stole it from you

P: good talk

—

KJ (karaoke DJ): this guy is causing trouble outside

Me: yeah, he not waiting his turn for karaoke or something

P (guy in question and KJs dad): something like that *laughs*

—

P1: its your favorite Itallians!

Me: youre my only Itallians!

P2: and youre our only bar!

—

P1: whats youre name? I only know you as mom

Me: [name]

P2: good to know cause i also only knew you as mom

P3: whats this about mom?

—

P: im apologising now

Me: why?

P: i invited your favorite person to come down

Me: youre my least favorite person right now

P: *laughs*

—

*daytime patron walks in durring night shift*

Me: what are you doing here? Its past your bed time

P: i know

Me: youre going to turn into a pumpkin!

—

Owner: i dont care what you think an circumcised dick looks better

P1: (a guy) whoa, what are you talking about

Other bartender (female): that a circumcised dick looks cleaner

O: yeah [name] are you circumcised?

P1: i dont feel comfortable answering

P2: (male) hes uncircumcised

—

P: *holding a soda in his hand*

Me: did you bring your own soda?

P: your mom said you were out

—

P1 (female): youd fuck me if i asked you to right?

P2 (male): hell no

—

*after a screaming match just ended*

Owner to a patron whose wife always screams at him in the bar: thats how we feel when you and [wifes name] get into it

P: damn, will probably still happen though

—

P1: the cops just tackled the lady out there

P2: yeah the lady that was jumping in front of cars

P1: we were yelling at the cops to tackle her

Me: wow, at least shes no longer jumping in front of cars

—

*motorcyclist revs engine trying to do a burnout and kills bike instead*

P1: dumbass

*guy trips and drops bike*

P2: now this is comedy

—

P: i thought you quite

Me: no, i just had funky hours for a while

—

Me: if it isnt my favorite daddy issues walking in

P (male): i love you too baby

—

Owner: your bar children were in

Me: cool did they behave?

—

P: [name] you look tired

Me: isnt it rude to call a woman tired?

P: not if its true

—

Me: *gives total*

P: thats got to be a good year for something

—

*i went on vacation for two weeks*

Other bartender: im so glad your back. Ive seen the other side-messy kitchen, no beer stocked, un changed kegs, dishes. Ive missed you

Me: aww

—

P (who has a bar name pertaining to food that they bring us): its under [bar name]

New bartender: no its not

Me: yes it is

NB: why?

P: cause thats what i supply

NB: really?

—

P: its weird tonight

Me: its got to be a full moon or something

P: Google to see if Mercury is in retrograde

—

Many more to come

[rebelyelling]

More things ive heard as a bartender at a dive bar

——

P1: Goats are similar to sheep

P2: goats are similar to sheep *to me* do you hear this nonsense?

P1: like a goat in sheeps clothing

——

P1: what if i turn my shirt inside out, put on some boody shorts and called myself the bartender

Me: if you do that, ill buy your first drink

Other bartender: ill buy your second one

P2: ill buy your whole tab after that

P1: No!

——

Owner: what if i bring the speedos by

P: wait, speedos? Can i have one?

O: theyre ‘merica theme

P: even better

——

P: girl, you need some deoderant. You stink

Me: i wasnt supposed to work today. Im in my pjs, youre lucky i wore a bra, im in birkenstocks!

P: oh. Well youre hair smells good

——

P1: if i bring in a blender can i get a smoothie?

Me: sure if you bring your own blender

P2: byob nice

P1: will it only be for my use?

Me: yeah

——

P: oh im annoying today

——

P1: i was called a helicopter today

P2: well you are pretty choppy

——

P: i’ll take a corona

Me: one corona, would you like a lime?

P: nevermind i’ll take a coors light with lime and salt

Me: a coors light?

P: yeah i didnt like how you said corona

Me: *laughing* sorry i cant roll my r’s correctly

——

Me: i have a grapefruit high noon for you

P: i hate grapefruit

Me: no, this ones your favorite

P: i dont think so [other bartender] said it was my least favorite

Me: take the damn grapefruit

*later*

P: you were right. Grapefruit was my favorite

Me: i know you [patron name]

——

P1: thanks [my nickname]

P2: *to me* people call you that? Cause i started that!

*context my nickname is a common one for my full name like Robert-Bob common*

Me: she knew me before i was me

P1: i knew here when she was this high

——

Other bartender: did you lose a nail?

Me: yeah why?

OB: cause i picked up a coffin shapped nail and youre the only one with coffin

——

Owner: i almost broke a nail in the walk-in

Me: if you moved the beer boxes theyre is a graveyard of my nails

——

P: i feel like hot mess express just rolled in. But i was here first!

——

Me: i need a tall man, one taller than me at least

P1: *stands* im the perfect man for the job

Me: good follow me

P2: hey! Keep your hands off my daughter!

P1: flips p2 off and slams the walk-in door closed

P2: *opens door* no funny business

Me: well if you didnt drink all the keystone i wouldnt need his help

——

P: remember the time i told you you stunk?

Me: when i was in my pjs and didnt even have underwear on?

P: you wernt wearing underwear?!

Me: what part of wasnt supposed to be working are you not getting

——

Me: apparently we are out of soda water

Owner: what? We have CO2 right?

Me: yep

O: then what?

Me: my water tipper just told me that she was told we were out of soda water. I told her that was impossible unless we were out of CO2

O: oh my god

——

O: can you get me a soda?

Me: not with you yelling at me like that

O: man that [nickname of hers] is a bitch

——

P: im a grown up, with a grown up job now

——

P: i came in when you wernt working and the bartender ided me

Me: cool

P: except i didnt have my id and i really wanted to say that i knew the owner but it wasnt you so id seem like an ass if i had done that

Me: would have been funny though “i’m [owner]’s gun guy. Call [me] she knows who i am]

P: knowing you, you’d tell them you didnt know me

Me: absolutely i would have

——

P1: whats the best tip youve gotten?

Me: pancakes

P2: pancakes?

Me: yeah had a guy doordash me a whole pancake spread

P1: that sounds awesome

Me: it was

——

P: told the girl outside that it would grow hair on her chest

Me: huh?

P: oh, i gave my drink to the new girl

Me: [name]?

P: no the new girl, whats her name [name]? Anyway i gave my drink to her told her it would grow hair on her chest and to keep the cherries in it. She dumped the cherries out. Toodles

——

*patron walks in i hold up two fingers. She holds up two fingers*

P1: man sign language goes hard in this bar

P2: she knows what i want

——

Many many more to come

[rebelyelling]

That time again: things i have overheard at the dive bar i work at!

——

P1: Girl, it is freezing only wearing a sports bra

P2: Well if its any consolation you look great

P1 buying and putting on a bar shirt: Well youre gunna have to pay to see it again

——

P1: im sticking to you over here

P2 just minding his own business and zoning out: huh sure

P1 proceeds to talk his ear off for the better part of an hour: if i knew my phone number i would give it to you. Wait have my facebook!

P1 leaves

Me: you got a girlfriend

P2: a stripper girlfriend at that. Ima send her a friends request

Me: shes going to block you

— the next day —

P2: my stripper girlfriend declined my friend request

——

P1: that guy looks like a lumberjack

P2: and the girl hes with looks uncomfortable

P1 starts narrating whats happening

P2: shh wish.com lumberjack is going to hear you

——

P: well time to leave and never return

Me: why?

P: do you hear whos singing outside? Shes blowing us all away!

——

P1 and i singing a duet for karaoke

P2 at the end: fuck you guys. I have to follow that?

Me: good luck

Heading inside with a crowd of people

P2: and you took everyone with you

P1: well yeah cause you suck

——

P1: we brought the guy that pissed in the parking lot

P2: im sorry for that i really had to go

Me: we just wanted to throw our trash away

——

P: i need more pool shooty fluid

Me: what?

P *waves beer bottle*

——

P1: i call interference!

Owner: youre calling interderence on a pool game?

P2: we are

Me: we need to red flag this play

O: run it again. Too many defenders

P1: the felts too lose

——

P1 after p2 just fumbled a pool shot: you should get the batteries checked in that thing

——

P *reads bar riddles*: ITS COKE!

Me: its is not coke

P: its coke to me

——

P1: durring covid the bathroom was so clean that you could do a line off the toilet paper dispencer

P2 to me: what happened? The bathrooms are gross now

Me: we got tired of cleaning drugs up

——

Me: if you dont live here, work here, or sleep with someone that works here it is time to go

P: marry me!

——

Me: its [closing time] you dont have to go home, but you cant stay here

P1: thats from a song right? What song is it

P2: its closing time

P1: i know, but this song is bugging me

P2 sighs and drags p1 away

——

P1: hey [me]

Me: yeah

P1: why arnt you wearing your ring?

Me: my ring?

P1: yeah the one i proposed with-i never gave it to you!

P2: you forgot to give her a ring?

——

P1: crazy? If there is a crazy in [town] i probably have her number

P2: how?

P1: cause im a slut

——

O: if a cop comes in, we were here the whole time

Me: ok

P2 coming up behind her: we broke like every law!

——

P1: can we change the channel from the naked people?

P2: please do ive seen to many ass shots to be comfortable

——

P1 and i watching tv

Me: they just made whiskey out of milk

P1: thats one famous cow

P1 and i make sounds of disgust

P2: whats going on over there

P1: milk whiskey

——

P1: do you want another beer?

P2: only if [me] comes and rubs her boobs against me

Me: is that how this is going to go?

——

P: hows your day?

Me: well im here

P: upright and breathing

Me: not crying

——

Me to other bartender: you should read the com log theres some hot goss inside

P: am i in there?

Me: no even worse you in the [liquor commission] log

——

P1: [me] can you help? The balls didnt drop

Owner slightly tipsy walks up and kicks the table causing the balls to drop

P2: shes magic!

——

P1: going to go home and lay in bed

Me: that sounds like youre sharing a bed

P1 laughing: it does

P2: you got to watch what you say around here. People are gunna think we share a bed

P1: what do you mean? We do

——

Many many more but this post is getting long

[rebelyelling]

It has been a while since i did one of these.

Stuff my patrons say (i work at a dive bar)

Patron: Everytime i come in here i get racially profiled. Ima stop coming in here. (Proceeds to become a regular)

——

P1: (pointing at me) thats my wife!

P2: nice. (To me) i met this guy on road crew

——

P1: (shutting outside door to block karaoke) some people should not pic up a mic

P2: (to p1) like you!

——

P: if i sing Single Ladies can i get a free drink?

Me: no

P: i’m singing it anyway

——

Context: two patrons who knocked a guy out months before happen to be there at the same time as the guy they hit

Me: you boys be on your best behavior now

P1: i have never caused an issue here. I’m an angel!

Me pointing to guy they hit

P1: i’ll behave

P2: *laughing the whole time*

——

P (a straight white man): i’m a lesbean!

Bartender 2 (an actual lesbean): high five

——

P (who i just sold a losing keno ticket to): you are, and pardon my French, fucking useless

Me: *cackling*

P: you either sell me a loser or one that too high to be redeemed here. I had to go to (state lottery hq) last time

Me: no inbetween

——

P: are we family

Me: idk are we?

P: we are now

——

P: what i wouldnt give to gobble you up

Me: *laughing* you’ve said that for years

P: and its still true!

——

P1: you don’t turn your back on family!

P2: *cheering*

Me: is…are you quoting the Fast and the Furious?

P1: yes

P2: gotta live your life a quarter mile at a time

——

P1: thats my wife (pointing at me)

P2: no shit? Like actually your wife

P1: no! Just my bar wife

——

Me to bar husband: this is our son now (baby faced freshly 21)

P1 (husband): damn we made one ugly kid

P2 (son): fuck off

——

P1: thats my mom (points at me) and this is my real mom (points at real mom)

Me: did…did you really want us to meet?

——

P1: (talking about some historical event)

P2: girl, i only got to Anne Frank

——

P: its colder than a goats teet in here

——

Someone comes into the parkinglot laying on the horn

Me: who the fuck is doing that

Regular comes in

P: did you hear me coming in? I had to improvise since i dont have a screaming goat

——

Me: yeah the bikers gave me a road name

P: thats cool, whatd you do to get it

Me: well when youre clumsy…

——

P1: hey i heard you crashes your motorcycle. Are you okay?

Me: yeah im good. I walked away with just a split lip

P1: thats good, whatd you hit?

P2: a dumpster!

——

P1: i heard you had fun in Sturgis

P2: i did, i fell off a golfcart

P1: oh like (me)

Me: copycat

——

P1: you know what, id like to talk to the manager

Me: let me find someone who cares *spins around* yes sir how can i help

P2: she got you there

P1: that was fucking good

——

Context: i got a puppy and he was only ten weeks at the time

P: im usually scared of dogs, but this guys my buddy

——

Context: regular walked out on his bill

Me: *cleaning kitchen and hears regular* *holding soapy knife* if you ever walk out again

P: babygirl please! Im sorry

——

Context: karaoke is aloud to go over but we have a hard limit of 2:00 am and this person wanted to sing a song at 2:01. She was also really off key

Karaoke DJ: you have to ask the bartender

Me: *looks up to see him violently shaking his head no* sorry no can do

P: i’ll pay you $50

Me: *struggling* im sorry i cant

——

Theres many more but this post is long

[milfkarlmarx-deactivated2021081]

there is actually a correct way to play dnd

[milfkarlmarx-deactivated2021081]

the dm is also a player and i need everyone to understand this. you cant just expect them to do everything they should be having fun as well even if they have put more work into the sessions like its so much more fun and refreshing to play with people who carry on conversations with npcs, roleplay long scenes amongst themselves and like Initiate things without me having to step in!!! im not gonna do everything for you!! engage with me but dont expect me to play the game for you

[milfkarlmarx-deactivated2021081]

i run/ran so many games where people are just not paying attention to me "tell me when its my turn" is the worst thing to say ever, and like its so bad to watch people joke amongst themselves and just ask me for directions or how hot a character is

[sirjuggles]

When players take time to interact with each other it’s so nice because it gives the DM a chance to pull up anything they need for what’s coming next.

[amiplayingright]

Also helps the DM learn about the characters! If you never RP beyond interrogating villagers or w/e how am I supposed to get a feel for who your characters are and what story beats would be best?

[rebelyelling]

My players know its a good session if my head ends up in my hands or i die laughing at them. They also know to text me if they want to try something, or if they want rp their character a certain way and are unsure if what they try to do is possible or not

[rebelyelling]

Since i’m still in awe at the pure chaos of last nights dnd session i’m going to list the highlights:

We had two new people, one had never played and one hadn’t played for a while. The one who hadn’t played got to play our tank, and the other played a character that was introduced last session. All characters execpt one fall under the chaotic alignment.

They come across a druid who asks for help clearing an old fort. In the process of finding the druid they startle an injured bear that the druid was helping. Every character failed their animal handling check. They eventualy get the bear calm and make their way to the fort.

They’re ogres and half ogres roaming around outside. The group decides violence is the answer. They clear the outside well enough, one player forgot to level up his character and nearly died because of this. The irony of him going down is that he has a spell that can stabilize characters that go down. Thankfully the dog had a medkit to help him, and another character had a health potion.

They enter the fort and its goblins. All hell breaks lose. They clear the main area and have one goblin left when the new characters player asks if she can punt the goblin. Being a nice dm i told her she needed to roll high to do it. She passes her test and the goblin gets punted. Some failed perception checks and a solid inside joke about how nice the wooded doors are (and they type if it was a bit higher) they finally know whats behind one of the doors. The new character (Y form now on) asks to knock on the door. Meanwhile two veteran characters (Z and F) go around the other side to check a door. Pass a perception check and a stealth check and get into the room unnoticed. The three characters are going for the same room.

Y knocks on the door and passes a strength check to deck a goblin with the door. The room gets cleared and the group continues. They come to another room and face two goblins and two goblin bosses. This starts a theme where i now have to tell characters to “roll for mist”. They turned the two goblin bosses to mist kill one goblin and the other surrenders. One player (P) wanted to take a hostage since the start of the campaign and finally got his hostage. They leave the room to go clear the rest of the fort.

I tried being sneaky and throwing a doppelganger at them but (Z, F, and T (another character and the tank)) killed it before the doppelganger could even move. They proceed to kill the remainder of the goblin bosses in the room (rolling for mist) and exit the kitchen. Z and F clear out the last room and looting begins. P has been harassing his hostage and Y found a cup that they decided to bring along.

One mimic later and the party leaves the room leaving P with his goblin. He sets the goblin free and returns the rope used to tie him up to F who asks where it came from. P just didn’t answer. They then storm upstairs throwing stealth to the wind and the most unusual events follow.

Y throws the cup at a goblin (picture the scene in Lilo and Stich when Stich threw a book a Bubbles’ head but sitch the hights) two more doppelgangers get absolutely slaughtered. They run across a Rakshasa which casts a wild magic spell on P (sort of retaliation for doing nothing but cast spells and cause absolute chaos to the group) they then loot the room avoiding the mimics and going upstairs to face a green hag.

In an absolute turn of events the last character D who hadn’t been doing much does 54 points of damage in a single attack and the rest of the characters just finish it off.

Everyone got inspiration die for the absolute chaos and for following the alignment of the characters.

Some key points that came up:

Me: “Poor D the lawful good”

Y’s player “Can Y be known as a goblin hater?”

Me: “Y the hater of goblins”

Me: “The wrath of the goblins?”

Me: “Bane of the goblins” F’s player: “Bane of the goblins is a new one”

Final name: “Y the bane of goblins, thrower of cups” P’s player laughing: “Thrower of cups got me”

Me putting my head in my hands as i roll a nat 20 against the green hag. Players start laughing.

D standing a tall 3 foot 1 inch against a 10 foot ogre and winning

P telling the goblin to open a mimic and the goblin refusing.

The knowledge that no session will come close to the chaos of this session.

[peachthatdrinkslemonade]

Twilight AU where they play animal crossing

[rebelyelling]

Ideas we hashed out:

Emmett went ham with the trash DIYs. His island is cluttered with junk on the ground and hes stuck at three stars cause its better that way

Rosalie only has the cute villagers and sits at five stars. Every other lily of the valley that spawns she plants then on Emmetts island cause Edward pissed her off once

Edward is stuck at four stars and cant figure out what eles Isabell wants from him to get to five stars

Alice has never lost at playing the turnip market. She lowkey keeps the info to her self and is often times playing KK Slider songs in her head when she finds out who has the best turnip prices in the house

Jasper, for no other reason but to be a dick, makes everyone feel sad when his villagers move away. Alice lets him know when someone is going to ask

Bella used to share an island with Edward, but he let her favorite villager move. So, she bought her own switch and stared a wolf only island named Isle de Jacob. She also used up all her design slots to make a Jacob portrait for her flyover

Other important info:

Everyone but Edward has (or in Emmetts case had) five star islands

Jasper has a country themed island

Emmett constantly has the most obnoxous KK songs in his head KK Bubblegum is the most played

Edward needs Lily of the Valleys to make his enterance to his island complete

Alice has an all bunny island

Emmetts favorite villagers are jock types and his isand is mostly jock, but he has Diana on his island because Rosalie accidentally said yes to her moving and freaked out. Hes waiting for the day Diana asks to move so Rosalie can have her back

Eveyone but Edward has time traveled. Edwards a purist and thinks time travel is cheating

Esme plays sometimes shes a second account on Carlisle’s island

Calisle’s island is set up like a hospital and the villagers are the patient rooms

Thats all i got right now

[peachthatdrinkslemonade]

And this is why I need this AU

[rebelyelling]

More ideas:

Jacob when he heard about Bella’s island wanted to do the same but couldnt do the pixel art and just decided the villagers that name starts with B would do

Leah has a female only island. She doesnt let anyone visit and wolf types are her fav

Seth has no idea what he wanted his island to look like so its a hodgepodge of all the styles he liked

Embry is broke boy and plays New Leaf on a DS lite thats more duct tape then anything. Quil lets him play as a second account sometimes

Quils island is all the less popular villagers. He looks at the popularity charts and frequently looks for villagers that might have jumped ranks

Sam started an island, but Emily got tired of him running it and nuked the island. She now has lead account and Sam plays second. Hes a little salty about it

Paul played but when Tom Nook told him the final total loan he accedentally snapped his switch lite in half. Hes currently looking into buying a regular switch but is having trouble finding one for a decent price

Jared plays but noone knows what his island looks like and at this point are too afraid to ask

Humans:

Charlie has put the most hours into the game. He 100% the DIYs and the museum. He now rotates his villager types every couple of months. Also, no one knows he has an island. He didnt mean to keep it a secret but now its and a joke to see how long before someone finds out

Billy has an island but he hasnt played in months. He still in the starting tent and doesnt even have the museum yet

Jessicas island is nothing but preppy villagers. She has a contrasting theme though just to keep people on their toes

Mikes island is frankly a mess. He got tired of his design a while ago and started terraforming and well hes still at it. Hes got dropped items littering his entire island

Angela leveled her entire island. She didnt want to spend bells to build bridges and inclines

Emily nuked Sams island after he made some bad design choices. She now holds the primary accont and just got her island to five stars

Renee doesnt know what animal crossing is and is too afraid to ask at this point

Im having way to much fun with this.

[peachthatdrinkslemonade]

Twilight AU where they play animal crossing

[rebelyelling]

Ideas we hashed out:

Emmett went ham with the trash DIYs. His island is cluttered with junk on the ground and hes stuck at three stars cause its better that way

Rosalie only has the cute villagers and sits at five stars. Every other lily of the valley that spawns she plants then on Emmetts island cause Edward pissed her off once

Edward is stuck at four stars and cant figure out what eles Isabell wants from him to get to five stars

Alice has never lost at playing the turnip market. She lowkey keeps the info to her self and is often times playing KK Slider songs in her head when she finds out who has the best turnip prices in the house

Jasper, for no other reason but to be a dick, makes everyone feel sad when his villagers move away. Alice lets him know when someone is going to ask

Bella used to share an island with Edward, but he let her favorite villager move. So, she bought her own switch and stared a wolf only island named Isle de Jacob. She also used up all her design slots to make a Jacob portrait for her flyover

Other important info:

Everyone but Edward has (or in Emmetts case had) five star islands

Jasper has a country themed island

Emmett constantly has the most obnoxous KK songs in his head KK Bubblegum is the most played

Edward needs Lily of the Valleys to make his enterance to his island complete

Alice has an all bunny island

Emmetts favorite villagers are jock types and his isand is mostly jock, but he has Diana on his island because Rosalie accidentally said yes to her moving and freaked out. Hes waiting for the day Diana asks to move so Rosalie can have her back

Eveyone but Edward has time traveled. Edwards a purist and thinks time travel is cheating

Esme plays sometimes shes a second account on Carlisle’s island

Calisle’s island is set up like a hospital and the villagers are the patient rooms

Thats all i got right now

[kivcraft]

[zagreuses-toast]

modern day who’s on second

[official-lucifers-child]

“me saw who! me saw who!!!”

[wolfwarrior142]

I cannot stop watching this video. It’s fucking hilarious and I’ve watching it’s approximately 20 times already

[the-gayest-dovah]

The best take on the classic “Who’s On First?” skit

[rebelyelling]

H2O Delirious, Cartoonz, and Dead Squirrel all posted this round on youtube. The whole video is gold. Some other note worthy youtubers are Ohmwercker, and Bryce McQuid

[lookhereiam]

Something that was bothering me that I had to draw. 

[brodinsons]

#destroy the idea that you’re not being social if you don’t drink

[eelydeely]

YOU DO NOT OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION FOR WHY YOU DON’T PARTAKE OF ANY “SOCIAL” ACTIVITY

[rebelyelling]

As a bartender when i ask someone if they want a drink and the say no i usually ask them if they would like water or a soda after, 90% of the time they order something non alcoholic. You dont have to drink alcohol at a bar, but please dont go thirsty.

[hidingoutbackstage]

I’m right and I should say it

[fairyofsomething]

Wait. How are peoples with siblings greeting eachother then?

[astudyingreer]

“Hey”

“Hey”

[peachthatdrinkslemonade]

The only times I’ve ever called my brothers “brother” has been in an annoyingly sweet voice and I needed something and it was 100% going to interrupt their day. Otherwise I’m calling them by a nickname. If any of us use our actual first name it usually means something serious is about to be said and all joking needs to stop now

[rebelyelling]

My sister and i almost always call eachother “bitch” in some way. But my sister does call me sissy from time to time.

[rebelyelling]

[finnickodairheis]

[alexielthegreat]

[persian-slipper]

@copperbadge, I feel like there’s a story about Steve promoting safe sex in this…

[copperbadge]

Oh but see now I’m picturing a whole series of cheesy Avengers safe sex PSAs.

Tony: I may be a playboy, but I know when to wear armor.

Natasha: There’s a time and place for stealth. The bedroom isn’t it. (Alternately: “Safety is easy. If he won’t wear a condom, kill him.”) 

Clint: Protection is important, on and off the range. 

Thor: It’s what a god would do. 

Bruce: Do it for science. Wear it for safety.

Sam: Your best wingman is the one in your pocket.

[msmori]

THESE. Great.

[noxyoumove-archive]

#James: just wear the fucking condom

[queenofspies-archived]

(Alternate:)

[copperbadge]

OH MY GOD I NEVER SAW THESE AND THEY ARE AMAZING

THANK YOU FOR FULFILLING THIS DREAM :D

[frankiedafurter]

BUCKY LMAO

[melodramaticfanatic-blog]

Perfection. Also I made an unholy noise over the Clint one…which is an unusual choice for me

[thedancingcostumeyoungadult]

My friend asked how I learned to cook and the answer is I didn't. I know like 5 things about cooking and they are:

Always use more garlic than the recipe calls for

"Ehhh fuck it close enough" is a great measurement tool

Find like 5 recipes that you like, adjust them how you like them, make them until you hate them

Clean as you go

If a recipe is from a mommy blog, you will need more spices

If anyone wants to add, please do

[datenshi-no-hime]

None of these are wrong.

[peachthatdrinkslemonade]

If you eat eggs, you can make some in any form that you like and put them on left over food. It's really good. I don't know why

[rebelyelling]

SEASON YOUR MEATS. ALL MEAT!! and add salt and a little bit of oil to your pasta water to season and not have the noodles stick together