redux of code lyoko fanfiction "i will remember you" TRIGGER WARNINGS: - Abuse - Violence/Blood/Gore - Sexual Assault - Mentions of Rape TRACKING: Reese Anders, reeseremembers
Preparing for the worst. Figuring out what to do. If this post’ll get buried, I dunno. For sure, if anyone wants to shoot a question or ask about updates, my personal twitter is @ Breffuz. (Art only is Brezifus_ ). There is a IWRY Discord that i’ve already posited some theories there and there will be a link to stuff like a google drive with all the chapters on it. (well as of now i believe it’s only up to chapter 16 so i gotta update that soon before i lose all track)
I am pretty...salty. IWRY is basically the type of story i want to do--that is, heavily illustrated--from now until who knows when. until i physically can’t anymore i guess. So i’ll be keeping eyes out for any platform like this. I guess wordpress might work, but it’ll take. A Long time. to transfer chapters there. (One chapter takes approximately an hour to completely upload, it’s nuts.)
IWRY Discord links will be handed out via message or thru twitter if you wanna keep updated. It’s not too active of a discord but it’s something to hang onto while i try to figure...Everything out. I just don’t want to link anything because gosh, tumblr. My bottom line here is that it just really shows how much this site doesn’t care about content creators.
Thanks for hanging on. Best case scenario this will always be here. I’ve had an incredibly hard year so it’s just all uphill battles for me right now. See ya on the other side.
My wrist hasn’t fully healed, even just knitting a few stitches or drawing a few lines makes it hurt really bad, even if I stretch properly beforehand. There are good days and bad days. Bottom line is I’m definitely going to see a doctor now and I feel irked I put it off for so long.
Don’t worry though, IWRY will be back. I’m too stubborn to stop.
Is the next chapter of IWRY coming soon? I can’t wait to read more! Also, I’m confused about the whole thing between Reese/Ulrich and his mom? Maybe I’m just not understanding the context in the pictures..
(this is also to the russian anon that sent an ask like a month ago but I never got around to it)
IWRY is still ongoing! Unfortunately, chapter 19 isn’t quite around the corner. I had hoped for it to be, but a couple of things happened:
burnout. I had no other interests to bolster IWRY for a very long time and i hyperfocused on it, which, while good for productivity, not so good for the brain and the characters were starting to become stretched, thin, and tired to me so for a while i took a break to focus on something fresh to me before coming back. i do miss these characters so don’t worry, this is temporary!
injury. I uh. Chapter 18 had 106 illustrations that i kind of did en masse over the summer and I didn’t take proper precautions and I very nearly destroyed my wrist entirely. It still hurts from the shit I unwisely pulled with 18 and there’s a small ganglion cyst forming at the base of my palm. I wear braces to work constantly since my job involves more wrist dexterity than i thought that I now feel because I’m in a ton of pain and should really see a doctor about it. So i’ve been keeping off of the illustrations and art in general (if you follow my main blog I haven’t posted any art in a really long time) for a while now, just to give me time to rest and heal and do what i can. While 19 is nowhere near as intense as 18 was, it still will take its toll on me and I have got to learn to be cautious with myself. this is the main cause for 19′s delay.
I’m still trying to be active creatively, and to help nurse the burnout I’ve turned some of my attention to the yakuza/ryu ga gotoku series and have been pushing out some (non-illustrated) fic for that since typing on a keyboard is less intensive for my wrist and i can handle that easier (especially with a brace).
As for the second part of your question, without getting into gruesome detail:
There are references built up in the warnings posted before the chapter and within the tags. The build up to those particular illustrations, too, held some hints, such as a literal translation of the word “motherfucker” and the fact that seeing Yumi getting assaulted by his parent brought a visceral PTSD flashback to his mother doing similar to him. In other words, while different, his mother abused him as well and in ways that he repressed until it was wrenched forward with what happened to Yumi.
uhhh I set up a ko-fi because i need it but i don’t trust myself with commissions ;<; please consider supporting me!!
for those who would like to know what i do:
most of my work goes into IWRY, a massive illustrated code lyoko fic, and it’s the guinea pig for how most of my future stories will be formatted and presented. lots of illustrations, lots of work!
in the future, after IWRY is all said and done, I’d like to continue illustrating my stories starting with some historical/mythological fiction set in ancient thebes:
I also occasionally write stories and fic on the side, most recently it’s been smoke over sunshine for yakuza 0!
I am also the admin of @oddlyprompting which has been wavering for a while due to how much work I put on myself–I occasionally put some short original writing there under the tag “admin writing” but more often than not it is a daily art and writing prompt blog run by yours truly
thanks for your consideration and reblogs are greatly appreciated!!
I didn't wake up early enough before work so i won't be able to pass out links but just a reminder that there is a discord server for IWRY and you guys can message me if you'd like a link to it! Sometimes i post spoilers or point out certain things--both mistakes and tidbits that don't really mean much in the grander story but are fun to think about.
WARNING: This chapter contains graphic, brutal content in both text and illustrations depicting: physical, emotional, and sexual abuse (CSA or Childhood Sexual Abuse); sexual assault/rape; traumatic episodes, and extreme brutal violence. Reader discretion is advised!
WARNING: This chapter contains graphic, brutal content in both text and illustrations depicting: physical, emotional, and sexual abuse (CSA or Childhood Sexual Abuse); sexual assault/rape; traumatic episodes, and extreme brutal violence. Reader discretion is advised!
It was simple in every way shape and form. I mean, I'd still have to fight to pass each trial, but the trials at least made sense. Three, technically four trials in total. The first was against Aelita; perhaps she had volunteered herself to be first as if to ease me into the idea. But this wasn't easy. From all of her years weaponless and defenseless, she got expertly sharp at using her creativity to fight back, hide herself, think her way out of situations. I had to defeat Aelita, but I had to do it without using my sword.
In other words, I had to outsmart the princess.
The princess that outsmarted XANA.
Constantly.
Flashes of pink between the tree trunks—was it her cloak, her wings, or was she flinging an energy field to throw me off? Try all of the above. Sometimes she'd laugh, echoing in the forest. I could hear well enough to pinpoint the laugh and more than once I lunged at a tree only to have her flee over head like a startled crow. Each time she'd slam down on my head, either with the palm of her hand or her foot, knocking me to the ground so I couldn't see where she went.
By the way, this wasn't difficult enough.
Aelita had mastered illusions.
And manipulating the environment.
Alright, Alice was queen of Wonderland. Fine. But Alice had been an outsider to Wonderland and conquered, so why couldn't I do the same? I backed away from the ridge Aelita had practically created under my feet, curling my back as though I was tensed. Seemingly alert in the way where you sense too much, where every whisper becomes a suspicion; the kind of alertness Aelita would use to her advantage to confuse me even more. But instead of listening too much I began to block everything out. Everything. If I could've closed my eyes I would've, but I needed to keep them open enough for Aelita to think I was still listening for her.
I turned on my heel, wildly thrashing at her. She dodged, easily, and with a snap of her fingers she jumped back, commanding a tree to fall between us. It made the ground tremble, and I stepped back, stumbling until I fell over the edge.
“Reese!”
“Ah—,” Aelita gasped, dangling precariously. I squeezed her ankle, shooting her a toothy smirk. She twisted herself, her arms pinwheeling awkwardly, until she tucked her chin to look back up at me, “Ahah.”
“Ahah,” I mimicked, “Got you.”
“If by got me you mean you gave me a heart attack—,” Aelita chastised, puffing out her cheeks and pinwheeling her arms more as if she could claw at me though she made no attempt to curl upward, “—then...Then yes, I suppose you did. Congratulations, now let me go so I can lead you to—,”
I did. Well. I loosened my grip on her foot a little. The result was a full body spasm of panic from her and her wings momentarily sparked to chaotic life before I tightened my fingers again.
“Reese! You damn well know I didn't mean that!”
“Do I detect a hint of disgruntled defeat in your voice, Princess?” I teased. She glared at me.
“Reese, this is serious. Stop having fun.” She said, but I could tell there was a smile just behind her bubbly cheeks. The scar on my cheek pushed up to my lower eyelids and I swung her lightly before heaving her up higher. With some help and the erratic flapping of her wings she got herself up and over the edge, offering her hand to help me back up.
“Odd is next,” she supplied as she showed me to the Way Tower, “Speed you may scoff at, but he'll also be testing dexterity. Be careful.”
“When am I ever not?” I quipped, and she raised an eyebrow at me. Careful. Me, the one who let myself slip over the edge to fool her into saving my ass.
“I'd wish you luck, but you wouldn't even take it if I gave it to you,” she said, stepping to the side of the tower.
“Ouch,” I winced, “Hey now,”
Her smile finally broke her tightened features and her face warmed, genuine, “Really though, congratulations and good luck. See you on the other side,”
“In any other context that would sound terrifying, Aelita.”
“I'm glad it doesn't have to be terrifying.” Especially not anymore, her expression filled in. She waved at me as I entered the tower and made my way to the desert.
“Catch up, Reese buddy! And remember, the shortest distance between two points is me confessing that Kiwi shit on your bed the first day you got here!”
What.
Bastard!
Odd started wailing from what he saw, a wail that was half-terror, half-elated laughter. Supersprint had no problem keeping up with the fucking overboard, and since I was playing my cards right I was going to overcome him incredibly soon.
Odd wove through the pillars surrounding the Way Tower, his distorted reflection matching the pitches of his laughter. I couldn't dare to blink, but I was losing him in this hall of ice. I began to dance through the pillars as well, keeping watch of the tip of his tail. Just as the pillars around us ended he made a sharp turn right, then down. Without stopping to think or ponder, I followed, leaping straight into an enclosed icy slide.
Then Odd turned around and cocked his arms.
The overboard swung crazily off course as Odd catapulted off. I leapt off, continuing to try and sabotage or even devirtualize him if I was lucky. I could always beat the bastard, but now he had four years on me. True that I could count on him to be as reckless as ever, but his fluffy ass kept twisting and turning away from me, his movements more cat than human. That there was no rhythm nor rhyme to how he was dodging only made it more difficult. His ears remained pointed in my direction, no matter where I was relative to him. He was finally listening to the environment, and I had no doubt that being a cat helped immensely with that. Each time he leaped or turned his tail swung and rotated to keep himself balanced. He was good. Flashing his fangs in a broad, confident smile, he knew he was good.
Still not good enough though. Thanks for keeping your cocky attitude, Odd, it was always the best thing to exploit!
As the sabre buried deep into the ice so close to the base of his tail I could've very well chopped it off, Odd yowled and scampered over my head. I dipped my head on instinct, not wanting to have the other half of my face scarred. As a result he slashed the armor on my shoulders in his feral craze to get to safety. Bounding on all fours he leapt back onto the overboard, circled me, and then took off. I pursued without hesitation.
Guess that meant I had won. Or he forfeited. Whichever. He led me to the Way Tower, allowing me to go first. I blazed forward, already knowing what was next.
Yumi.
A culmination of everything in one. Brute force. Sharp instinct. Agility and flow. Searing determination. Boss fight. Final boss fight. Fighting her clone counted for shit, because of one very important thing.
She had nothing to lose.
I had everything to gain.
I had everything to gain back.
She didn't understand that. I could've hoped that I could've used that as a weakness to exploit, to surprise her with ferocity, but she knew me. She knew how I fought. I was ferocity, and she had no trouble matching it.
In fact she might have even surpassed it.
The power of her telekinesis drove me back as the rosary spun around her like a shield. She didn't fall back on this tactic for long, and if I hadn't been paying attention I would've missed the spinning of her fans amongst the beads. Parrying them back into her hands, I flicked the sword forward as the rosary slowed, slicing it in half. No rosary, no shield.
I could tell that controlling the rosary would take its toll on Yumi given time, but she did not slow nor give up against me. She, herself, must have trained as often as possible, bettering her telekinesis and her mental hardiness. This was nothing like the five to ten seconds of rock lifting that I remember her being able to do. I could attempt to draw this out, wear her down, but I knew she was too smart for that. The rosary hit hard, constantly knocking me off balance even if I was prepared for the hit. It was hard to see or focus on anything else past the blurry storm of rosary, fans, and sword. Taking the next possible opportunity as the fans flew back to her hands, I grabbed the end of the rosary and tugged. Connected by mental force, Yumi yanked forward with it. Good, finally. I landed a powerful kick to her stomach and she slid back, gritting her teeth and whipping the rosary away from me in a graceful arc. It wrapped around her torso, cleanly snapping back together. There was half a breath of time and she launched herself at me for close combat.
I could barely hear the pants of exertion and battle cries over the shrieks and clangs of steel. The mountains spun in what little vision outside of Yumi I had as we dueled. We drove each other mad, neither of us gained any progress on the other. I would say how long it lasted, but I was unable to determine any passage of time. It could have been minutes, could have been weeks.
Suddenly she glowed again and I stumbled. Did she just fucking telekinesis me?! It gave her enough of a window to slam her boot into my chest and knock me flat against the cliff she had ambushed me from. I could've been back at her throat in one second. I gave it two. Three. Enough for her to throw her fans at my head.
That's fucking right. I know how to play this game too.
My heart soared. This was exhilarating. Thrilling. I don't remember the last time I even allowed myself to actually have fun, especially to this level. Yumi knocked me aside and I rolled. She backed away, giving herself room to breathe. Raising her fans to slide them open in front of her face, she charged. I dodged. She slid to the edge, turning to throw her fans in pursuit of me. One clipped my heel, causing me to leap before the other one cut my fucking legs in half. My feet hit the side of the cliff and pushed off.
Yumi let out a shriek that turned into a howl of rage. Both of us were now putting fleeting faith in the vastness of the Mountain Sector as we plummeted, still twisting and trying to beat the other. Fog raced by until it finally parted and revealed a platform. I landed face-first and winded from the force of the fall. Yumi hit the edge and slid until she dangled precariously over the side. I got up, fire in my blood and ready to step on her fingers (or threaten to) to end the fight.
But I paused, the situation driving the fire away. Help. I should help her up. It was a bit of a cruel flashback, seeing her struggling there. It was the same as many years ago in the Forest Sector—Yumi gripping the ledge, just barely slipping from my fingers to plummet into the Digital Sea. I had slammed my eyes shut before I saw it, but I had heard the noise.
A shiver went through me as my eyes remained wide.
I walked, slow and a little unsure, then knelt down and offered my hand. She stared at me.
Inhaling so sharply I started to choke, I recoiled, watching the slash on my arm glow and fizzle—Lyoko's version of blood. It started to heal—thankfully I wasn't devirtualized yet—but even as it pulsed Yumi grabbed my lapel and used me as an anchor to pull herself up. I was flat on my back before I could realize what was happening. Fan. Blades. Yumi's battle-crazed eyes. I rolled to the side, she missed me by a hair, I kicked at her gut, she took it as a minor setback.
On my feet, quick, sword, fight—we were in such close range there was no reprieve from the flurry of fans. I twisted my face into a snarl and unsheathed the knife too, responding in kind.
Wait, where was Yumi's rosary—
The rosary!!
I had been in this eerily similar situation before. Yumi pulled back, fan at the ready to be flung at my throat.
She flicked it closed and stepped off my chest.
Yumi narrowed her eyes and the mountains were silent for an agonizing time. I gripped the hilt of my sword, anticipating her to pull back into battle at any moment.
Her chin tucked for a millisecond, curt and almost unnoticeable. It was the most insincere bow I ever received from her. But it was a bow.
I had been beaten but I had won anyways. Wasn't that always the way things went between us.
Aelita slammed into my back, making me stumble as she swung around me. Her elated laughter—something I hadn't heard for what seemed like ages—rang through the peaks until she let herself down on the ground. Her wings folded back into her shoulders and Odd hopped off the overboard next to her, grinning. Yumi turned away and ignored us.
“Flying colors, champion! Couldn't have done it better myself!” Odd congratulated. I cocked an eyebrow and Aeltia scoffed, blowing her hair away from her face.
“You wouldn't be able to get past me even if you begged, fuzz face!”
Odd laughed and lovingly scratched the top of her head. She allowed it, still grinning.
“And now we're five again,” he assured. Aelita nodded, unable to look at anyone but me.
“And now we're five.”
Yumi did not say anything.
~~
“Anders—,” Yumi snapped, swiveling on her heel so sharply it was like she was on a stage floor, not forest debris, “Stop following me. Don't act all fucking innocent, I know you were!”
The sun had set long before we trekked out of the factory. Everyone went their separate ways; Odd to find food (or go off on a date, I never knew if he actually found his Tuesday or not), Jeremie to his room, Aelita to hers, Yumi to the deep dark woods. At first Aelita cocked her head at me, asking where I would go. I motioned that I would stay in the woods. The smile on Aelita's face meant that she was assuming I needed my time alone.
I didn't.
Yumi was the one who had needed her time alone. I was just going to go ahead and be the proper gentleman and take that away from her as if she never deserved it in the first place.
“Innocent?” I made a pbbt noise and rolled my eyes, “Who says I was even trying to be innocent?”
Yumi's lip curled, “That's what I hate about you, Anders. You just—You're just a dick for the sake of being a dick and you know it, too!”
I grinned, sly and nasty. Yumi bristled at the sight of it, sickened by how much I was enjoying this. Seething and making every damned righteous attempt to bite back the worst of her tongue, she spat.
“What do you want?”
I tilted my head, “Well, even four-eyes congratulated me after I got out of the scanner. What about you?”
If I squinted at a certain angle and blurred out everything but Yumi's image, I could see her mind implode with rage and mounting violence. She had lost control once and had pressed the heels of her palms into my throat—could she (and would she) do so again, even if it wouldn't make a difference?
Probably. Did I care? Well.
“I let you into the group!” Yumi roared, “Had there been one vote against you, you would've been out for good, do you understand that?! But I stayed silent—I stayed silent because I knew that this was above the two of us fighting all the time! Because I knew that we needed you whether I hated you or not!”
“Oh,” I pouted to the side, “Should I get down on my knees to suck dick for you? I obviously need to repay you for all your kindness,”
“Oh my god,” Yumi hissed, narrowing her eyes as she shook, “That just might make me feel better if it would make you fucking suffer.”
“I could be gay,” I sneered, “You don't fucking know,”
“No, but doing me a favor would certainly fuck you sideways, wouldn't it?” she snapped back. I almost popped a smirk at the cleverness of her comment, but I glared at her instead.
“I do you favors every day by not ripping your vocal cords out,” I considered her for a minute, “Also, every other day, whenever I forget to shit on you about that dead boyfriend of yours.”
“You're getting less creative by the minute,” Yumi crossed her arms in front of her, trying to look unimpressed but even in the dark I could see and hear her nails dig into the crooks of her elbows. I gave her a condescending smile.
“I don't have to be creative when the plain shit upsets you just as much.”
“You want my congratulations, Reese?” Yumi's voice was much more dark and controlled than I expected it to be, and in a way it was intimidating. Maybe she was prepared for me to follow her out here, and that too was an intimidating thought. I didn't want her to get used to Reese Anders' patterns, “Maybe I should congratulate whoever made you to be like this for giving me this absolute gift to work with.”
I stared at her. For half a second her eyes brightened, realizing that had given me pause. It only served to fuel her and her chest swelled with confidence.
“Who was it, Reese?” her voice was low, concentrated, and at its very core hateful, “Who do you blame all your problems on? Was it your mommy?”
“Was it your daddy?”
“Or,” her voice hung in the night air like there had been a lynching, “Was it something else? Some...event maybe? Something like my dead boyfriend, perhaps? But the difference between you and me is that you have no fucking ability to cope so you take it out on me because maybe, just maybe, I'm actually able to cope without hurting someone else? What was it, Reese?”
“Was it something you couldn't even control? Was it an accident?”
My vision swam and tunneled before red started seeping in from the sides. Every muscle went painfully tense, my fingers twitching to an off-beat tune before they closed into fists that were far too tight. As if sensing this Yumi unfolded her arms and slid a foot back, bracing herself from the rage she knew she was drawing out of me. Her gaze was steady despite the fact that my eyes were no longer focusing on anything, and each word was enunciated with such clarity that they would never be able to leave my head.
“Was Vivi an accident, Reese?”
“SHUT UP!!”
“SHUT. UP!!!”
It was so loud, so excruciatingly enraged that my lungs pressed painfully against the constraints of my ribcage, my ears popped, my jaw locked, and my vision had all but become blinded. The trees even seemed to shudder and bend away from me. My neck shook. There was nothing but heat behind my eyes. Yumi's hands closed into fists and for a brief moment she regained some of her humanity from the sudden spark of fear from how far she had pushed me. After all, she was the good person, the paladin; even though she had her breaking points she could always be pulled back. She had choked me before, but realizing she was hurting a human being pulled her back. What about me?
What about me?
I didn't even know what I wanted to do I was so fucking angry. Half of me wanted to tear her apart, destroy her, dredge up every fucking awful thing I could think of and pull her soul out through her throat. The other half was so fucking horrified I could've honestly just screamed and cried in a corner until I had no more voice to use. The result left me as a pathetic, shitty mess. How could she. How could she!
I deserved this.
How could she?!
I'm fucking shocked this didn't happen earlier.
I do you favors every single day by not ripping your vocal cords out.
“Would you like me to admit that I went too far, Reese,” some of the darkness had left Yumi's voice, but that didn't give me much if any solace at all, “Or do you want to blame me for your problems too?”
“I'll give you problems to blame me on!!” I roared, launching myself at her. She instantly clicked into fighting mode and dodged, her heavy boots scraping my shin. I stumbled, clumsy and too emotional to actually fight and fight well. I turned, panting hoarse and heavy. Nostrils flared and eyes focused only on her, I charged again.
It became a terrifying game of matador. Blood and skin from Yumi's cheek stuffed under my nail, I was screeching like a lunatic trying to bring her down. Her best bet was to keep dodging and using my force against me. If she had dared pause to try and subdue me, who could tell what would happen—there was so much adrenaline searing through me I probably would've only calculated a kick to the gut as more hateful words. Fuel for the fire.
I grabbed hold of her arm, rough and bruising, as she was trying to dodge out of my way. Yanking her like a ragdoll, I shoved her in front of me. She went flat against a tree, dazed for a moment before she snarled. Her legs drew upward before I could calculate the distance between us in such a berserk state and her heavy boots slammed into my chest. Distance calculated: it was slightly less than the length of her legs. I coughed. No amount of adrenaline could mask the need for oxygen, especially when hit with what was the equivalent of steam powered pistons. Yumi peeled herself away from the tree, circling around me, wary of when I would recover. I spat, sneering and growling, trying to force myself to regain some form of mind so I could at least properly fight her, because god I wanted to fight her. Hurt her. Just fucking make her regret this make her regret everything from here on out. I turned, never letting her face my back.
Suddenly an arm wrapped around my neck from behind and within moments my legs were kicking against the ground. Sure I didn't have my back to Yumi, but I didn't think that putting my back to the rest of the goddamn woods at night would be such a fatal mistake. The arm squeezed and I growled, clawing at it for release. Whoever the fuck was Yumi's white knight was going to go down just as hard as she was.
But then I recognized the smell.
It's a smell that I'm not sure how to ever forget, really. And it's not one I'm able to describe either. The smell of someone you see a lot. The smell of something familiar. The smell of family. With my nostrils flaring so much and with my mouth so close to his arm I gulped down the scent and all of the sudden I went from bullying an innocent to struggling for my life.
There was really one other person in the world who was my height who could incapacitate me so quickly, who could and would choke me, who wouldn't stop even as my growls became terrified gasps and gargles for escape. My legs kicked more frantically than before, my hands became pitiful claws that couldn't deter anything worth shit, terror shook my muscles and I was scared I was going to fucking die. Fucking die in front of a confused and wronged Japanese girl.
My father didn't take kindly to Japanese girls.
“What the fuck is this,” he hissed in my ear, “This isn't the little friend you had the last time I saw you,”
I wanted to scream. It came out as bubbles of saliva. My body twisted, desperate and pleading. He tightened his grip. I couldn't even see Yumi, but I knew I had to. Wild eyes roving, I kept getting shaken from looking at her to squeezing my eyes shut in agony.
“You,” he snarled, “You're jacking off at this fucking cunt again,”
“No—,” I tried to plead, but he harshly adjusted his grip and it became a choked cry.
“Always with the fucking Asians, you and your fucking Asians. At least your little friend wasn't Asian.”
No no no no NO no nO no NO no no no no NO no no
Yumi needed to go. Needed to get out of here. Now! The words my father had spoken right before I had shoved him through a wall screeched in my head, squealing like train brakes. Alarms blared, I started to feel like I was shrinking. I tried to convey to her, tried to scream that she needed to run, get out, now, but I couldn't tell if she knew what was going on. I knew she was there—maybe it was a hallucination but I couldn't take the chance that it wasn't. Yumi, Yumi, get the fuck out! Get out!! Run!!
I gasped, he slipped his arm underneath my chin and the rough fabric of his suit peeled the top layers of my skin away. Sharp pains from my trachea blotted my sight and if I could've sobbed, I would've. Teeth bared and eyes white in fear, I would've fucking sobbed.
“I didn't see you after school today,” he continued in my ear. It wasn't like he dropped the Japanese issue, I just knew he'd file it away for later. Still his words made ice travel down my spine and I began to whimper, kicking divots with my feet as if I could get away. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!!
“Were you even in school today?” He was yelling. No, no he wasn't, his voice was low and horrible but it was the exact same thing as yelling, “Are you fucking skipping classes again?!”
Pathetic whine of protest. He simply tried to flatten my neck further. The kicking was slowing; it had been futile anyway.
“Are you?! You fucking stopped being a good-for-nothing shit when you were high school in Germany, but now that you're here it's the same thing all over again?!”
Since when! I wanted to shout, Since when did you think I wasn't a good-for-nothing?! Since when! Have you ever! Said I wasn't a good-for-nothing?!
I would never in a million years actually be able to say that to him, and come the end of this I would forget I had tried to say it at all.
“It's those fucking friends,” he barked, and it was then I realized he had been speaking in German, “And this slit-eyed bitch of yours!”
Recoiling from the grinding sound of his teeth, I tried shouting for Yumi to leave again. If there was one thing I could be thankful for it was that my father was speaking in German. Any of the slurs hopefully, hopefully, would fly past Yumi.
“Maybe I wasn't clear four years ago,” he continued, and I felt the forest get sucked into a quiet void. I stilled, petrified, feeling what was going to happen before it actually did, “So I guess I have to keep caring for you like a fucking baby since you don't seem to want to take care of yourself,”
Oh god what was he gonna do what was he Yumi was still here what was he gonna do was he going to hurt her was he going to hurt her what—
The warmth at the small of my back quickly grew like an infection as he pressed the lighter against my skin. It burned—god it burned—it was only a lighter! How the fuck could it burn so much so quickly? It—It must've been me, expecting the pain and therefore feeling it before it happened. But whether or not the pain was real I screamed still, half-muffled from him choking me. My father struggled against me to keep me still as my body arced into the air, desperate to get away from him, get away from the fire. In the harsh blur that the forest had become I could see the whites of Yumi's eyes, as blinding as if it was daylight, as she stood there gaping at what was happening.
No. No, the pain was real. As real as my skin blistering and peeling. Something trailed down my back. Blood? Pus? Lighter fluid? It didn't matter. I twisted, my mouth opening on its hinges as agonized screams left me, hot tears tracing down my jaw. Blinding color danced in my vision, harsh against the darkness, and even if I squeezed my eyes shut I couldn't escape it.
Please no!! I screamed in my head, pleading as though he hadn't already started to burn me, please I'll be good!! Don't do it! Don't fucking do it please!!
Screams became howls. Howls became wails. My chest ached and heaved, I felt one of my vertebrae pinch something from how wildly I was tossing and turning in my father's grasp. Saliva cooled and thickened to globules in my mouth from screaming so hard. The lighter kept pressing against my back. I thought that sooner rather than later I would dissolve and crumble into dry desperate sobs, but I couldn't—the pain was too great, too constant. As if thrown by this realization my eyes graced me a second of momentary focus.
Yumi was gone.
I felt everything in me sink and fall in despair despite how much relief I should've been feeling. Good. Good. Good...
I bit my lower lip in a hiss, inhaling and trying to hold my breath to draw pain elsewhere. Yumi was gone Yumi was gone Yumi was gone. Hold onto that. Yumi was gone.
WHACK!
I collapsed to my knees, the lighter falling to the ground next to me. The sound of my father's cry of shock and pain was muffled to my ears—I was too confused, too enraptured by the sudden cessation of pain to hear much of anything.
It was a little bit of a lie. I fucking hurt like hell and it'd be stinging and burning for hours—days, maybe more if I was truly unlucky. My skin felt bubbled and swollen. If I could feel past the pain I swore it...
No. No that wasn't important right now and it shouldn't ever be. I had spent too many days alone identifying different pains and giving them strange names, letting my imagination go too far as I watched the scars slowly form underneath the scabs. It had been one of my only pass-times, one that I had when I couldn't do anything else. It had its place in Germany, but it didn't have any place here. I couldn't do that here. I couldn't do that in France. Not at Kadic.
A dull and heavy whud was the bass note to Yumi's angry cry of exertion. Once more my father yelped, and I heard another heavy whud, this time softened by the sound of flattened grass. I flinched, then chanced a look over my shoulder.
Yumi stood, fists clenched and stance strong. I imagined the first whud to come from the heaviness of her boots slamming into my father's side once I was safely out of range. The second had been my father's fall to the forest floor. Yumi's eyes burned, righteous and fierce. My father, a middle-aged man who had faced the business end of a boot worn by a skilled martial artist, crumpled and nursed himself quietly. Yumi did not take his eyes off of him.
“Reese, get up,” she commanded. I gurgled. Her eyes snapped to me, confident that my father was incapacitated.
“Get. Up.”
With one look at her outstretched hand I shrank away. It was instinctive, I couldn't even help it. In response Yumi went from righteously angry to downright furious, but—whether it was from the fear in my eyes or a backpedaling calculation, her expression changed.
Pity.
It changed to pity.
Which did nothing but make me want to shrink into a ball and disappear. She didn't mean it—no, as a matter of fact I'm almost positive her expression was more of surprise than of pity and I was just seeing it wrong—but even if she didn't mean it I couldn't shake it. Her hand retreated for a moment, and she flexed it, as if to change its structure. Shoulders rising with a breath of preparation, she released it slowly and reached out her hand to touch my shoulder.
“Hey...,”
The tips of her fingers had barely brushed the canvas of my jacket before I jerked and shoved her hand away. The snarl returned to my face and I felt the familiar furrowing of my brow, but something was amiss—my eyes were still too wide. Still my voice was low and terrible, as if nothing incredibly wrong had just happened.
“Get the fuck away from me!” I snapped, shifting away from her to struggle to stand.
“Reese, this is going to get you nowhere,” Yumi argued, unaware that she was chasing me away from her the more she stepped towards me. I bared my teeth, barking like a dog. This only resulted in her becoming more exasperated and upset, which only worsened the bitter cycle. I stumbled to my feet, my back hunched, wounded like an animal desperate for escape.
She was right. It wasn't getting me anywhere, because I refused to turn my back on her. My heels caught on undergrowth and roots as she approached. The scowl of frustration was easy to see on her face, and she thrust her hand out to grab me by the lapels—drag me out of here if she had to.
I roared, harshly twisting her hand away so badly it made an ugly pop, “Don't fucking touch me!!”
“Stop this!!” She made no hesitation to retaliate, “Stop this, Reese, and I'll get you the fuck out of here!”
Spittle flew from my mouth, “Don't. Fucking. Touch me!!”
Pity turned back to rage and she opened her mouth to command me to obey her. Her voice didn't even get past my name.
He yanked her back, her boots springing to the air from the force of it. A contorted choke left her, shocked and terrified. She had let her guard down for one minute, just one fucking minute, because I was being such a hard-headed asshole that wouldn't just suck it the fuck up and move for her. I should've seen it coming, should've warned her, but I was too busy trying to wrench her away from me that I hadn't realized what had happened until I could see the soles of her boots. It was like she had ping-ponged between the two of us, intentional or not.
Fear would always be too weak of a word to describe everything that crashed in on me in that nanosecond. My voice cracked on a shriek.
“No!”
Whud.
That noise again. Whud. Heavy. Loud. Painful. Bark splintered around me as I fell like deadweight into the tree's roots, awkwardly cradled by the uneven ground. Spit dribbled out of my mouth like I had forgotten how to swallow and my eyes fluttered between shut and irregularly open, as if my mind couldn't decide to fall unconscious or not. With time I sank as if the roots opened up further to let my body rest against the soft dirt. Noises. Grunts. A shrill ringing in my ears from being thrown against the tree. More, weaker whuds. Whud whud whud. It was the sound of my heart, turgid but steady and brutally faithful. My body rolled—I rolled, trapping my arms in weird angles under my weight. Pulling one out from underneath me, I curled my fingers into the ground, kneading weakly.
The soft, strange sound of ripping fabric beat over the ringing in my ears followed by the piercing shriek of rage and horror from a woman's throat, all before it was forced into silence. A young woman's throat. Yumi. Yumi's throat.
I was on my feet before my brain could comprehend how to stand. Dizziness threatened me from every inch of my aching body, but adrenaline and desperation drove me forward. I charged, howling in despair. This wasn't happening. This was not happening. This wasn't supposed to happen. Everything I had done to Yumi, every horrible word and harm I had caused her had all been a means to an end: get Yumi the fuck away from me so she'd never have to deal with this. Never have to deal with him. It wasn't the right way to go about things, it sure as hell wasn't good for her even if it had ended up in the perfect world where she would never meet my father. And it certainly didn't make sense that I kept going out of my way to fuck with her, torment her. After all, I had no reason to follow her tonight after the training and trials. Had I not been out here, maybe none of this would've even happened.
Maybe I should've just stayed silent and never let myself speak or interact with her in the first place.
I just...I just desperately didn't want her close. I just wanted her to get away from everything; from me, from Ulrich, from this shitty radius that surrounded me where everything I fucking touched, everything I ever decided to cherish became nuked from orbit, disintegrated, destroyed.
I didn't want her forgiveness. I didn't even want her fucking understanding. I sure as hell didn't want her pity.
I just wanted her to stay away, because away was the only place I knew where she'd be safe from all of this. All of this...me.
My father must have heard me shouting at her earlier and came running like a hound on a foxhunt. If I hadn't just tried to upset her, if I had just fucking walked away for once in my stupid fucking life...
Walked away like I fucking did four years ago...
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!! Fuck you!!!
Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! FUCK YOU!!!
Little Aelita this. Little Aelita that. Japanese cunt this. Slit-eyed bitch that. Fuck you! Fuck you!! Fuck you for telling me my friends were worth shit!! Fuck you for preying on them!! Fuck you—fuck you for—fuck, fuck, you hurt them! You hurt them!! YOU FUCKING HURT HER!!
I was an animal and I sounded as much.
I think he fought back. I'm not sure. If he had actually hurt me, I would never be sure. Everything was muffled as I punched and punched and screamed and howled. Even if he did fight back, what difference would it make? It would only prove that he was no more man than I was; that is, not much more above an animal. Anything should've fought back if someone was beating the shit out of them.
That was the thing. I had stopped fighting back. Long ago. But it had been triggered, somehow, tonight, and once it was triggered I couldn't stop punching him. Couldn't stop seeking to tear him apart, hurt him like he had hurt Yumi. Hurt him worse than he hurt Yumi.
Yumi didn't deserve this! Yumi wasn't a part of this fucking game! She didn't belong here! She didn't belong under his fist, that was my place and my place alone! Only I was supposed to know this...this fucking...this fucking...No! No no no no no! I snatched my father at the wrist and yanked his arm out straight. Pressing the heel of my palm against his elbow, I slammed him against a tree.
There was a snap and a scream mimicking my own when the lighter had been forced against my back. He crumbled, almost as if he was trying to embrace the tree for support. I kicked him away, the toe of my shoe catching him sharp in the ribs. He gave a gasp of pain and recoiled. I didn't care. I didn't fucking care.
“Get out,” spittle flew from between my teeth, “Get. Out!!!”
He rolled, flailed like a broken weasel, then finally managed to get to his feet and flee. Immediately my vision flooded over with water. Intrusive, shitty, stupid water. I slammed the backs of my hands to my eyes, harsh enough that water was momentarily replaced with bright spots of light. Still I tried to soak up the tears with the fabric of my gloves, rubbing them away so violently that my eyelids became red and puffy. If anything I could only see worse now. My heart rattled behind my sternum, and I bit my lip to prevent myself from dry-heaving.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. What did I just do? What did I just fucking do?! I slammed him against a tree and broke his fucking arm. The last time I had even come close to doing something like that I had to move to fucking France and change my goddamn name! What now? What the fuck was he going to do now? Come to Kadic and demand I be expelled? Shit. Oh shit. What the fuck have I done?! He was going to be pissed—so fucking pissed! There was no way, no absolute way, that I could even begin to think he'd forget about this. And—And over Yumi! He wouldn't forget that it was over her! Aelita—maybe that'd be forgivable, but Yumi...Yumi...
Shit.
I struggled to turn myself around, feet scuffing on the ground. Stumbling forward, it took me far too long to realize that I had to fucking use my tongue, idiot, speak. Speak to her! Her shirt had been ripped, exposing her bra to the night air. I could see the contrast between skin and cloth despite the dim light and the blurriness of my eyes. Maybe I had stopped it soon enough. Maybe it had been in time, maybe, maybe, but nothing like this would ever be in time enough.
“Y...Yumi?” I gurgled, my voice high. Her head snapped up faster than the click of a shutter and the heat of her eyes stopped me in my tracks. Lips curling into a terrible snarl, she spat at me and snapped.
“You stay the hell away from me!”
Somehow taken aback, I looked at her dumbly. It only gave her rage the vigor it needed.
“Who the fuck was that?! That was your father, wasn't it?! That was your fucking father?!” Yumi's back was pressed flat against the tree but even so her boots dug into the earth to press herself even further against it. To get away from me; which was what I wanted all along, wasn't it? “No fucking wonder you are who you are! Fucking prick! Bastard!”
The venom that came from her unsurprised conclusion of who had made me would echo in my head to hurt me far longer than any flat insult could. Struck dumb, eyes wide and lips quivering, I stared at her, a tall idiot of a teenage boy at the feet of heavy combat boots. No. No, I wanted to cry stupidly, this was wrong, this was all wrong. I grasped my sweaty palms at the edges of my jacket. Yumi caught my gaze flickering to her torn shirt and she kicked out, her thin arm covering her chest.
“Get the fuck away from me!!” she screamed. Screamed. I had never heard her scream at me like that. It had always been in rage and hatred before. Sure, the rage and hatred were still in her voice, but it was thickly layered with distrust and fear. Distrust—to think that would feel so weird to hear from her. Yumi had at least always trusted herself to be able to defend against me. But now she was put in a position where she was no longer sure she could—no longer sure that I wouldn't...just...
The look she was giving me...
I couldn't...
I had to help. I had to help her. She was there on the ledge, clinging to it so she wouldn't fall in the digital sea. She needed help and I was there and I was the only one and please don't look at me like that I didn't mean it Yumi I didn't mean for this to happen I had had everything under control—
Sweat from my hands rubbed onto the jacket only to be replaced by more sweat. Darting my tongue over my lips as I made my decision, I pulled my jacket away from my shoulders with trembling fingers. Hers was ripped. She still had her jacket but her shirt was ripped, and if there was anything, any way I could just—could just give her—anything...
Yumi saw the jacket pull away from my frame and she screamed again. No words, just a banshee shriek that she was desperately trying to use to push me away. Alert someone to her plight. But who the fuck else was there this deep in the woods this late at night? Only the crows responded, scattering in shock to the tune of other creatures turned restless by the noise. My hands smashed the jacket into a crumpled mess, startled and terrified by her scream. Despite my hunched shoulders to attempt to block the noise, I couldn't take my eyes off her, terrified that I was half of a mistake away from Yumi launching herself at me. It wouldn't be like it was on Lyoko. There was life and death here—and here I wouldn't fight back. Her fingers dug into the tree bark behind her, giving her strength and she tried to push herself upwards, as if trying to prove my fears true. My tongue darted out to lick my dry lips again, and at the sight of it her rage intensified.
“No!” I finally blubbered, voice loud but pitiful. Like a dog howling in terror from a clap of thunder, “No, that's not—I'm not—I'm not gonna—,”
“What,” Yumi snapped, breaking her scream with terrifying sharpness, “Not gonna what, Anders, you motherfucker!”
motherfucker
“Not gonna touch me? Are you?! Then what's the fucking jacket for?!” Her hand moved rigidly, snapping her own jacket shut over the worst of the tear, “What's it for, Anders?! To help me?!”
yes—please
“Hah!” Clap of thunder, dog cowers, “I know you, I fucking know you, you would sooner drag your ass across asphalt in public than help me!! I know! I know!! I know what you fucking are!!”
who the fuck am i
Yumi spat. I felt it hit the base of my leg. My leg. My leg was weak. She continued, relentless in her desperation.
“I should've—I should've trusted my fucking instincts, again, because I knew what you fucking were from the start and you only got worse as time went on. Just like him. Just. Like. Him!!”
him? him? him? him.
“But this time it's too fucking late and there's nothing I can do—,” she was wailing now, eyes bulging but somehow still turned on me with such an intense need for escape that I was afraid she'd carve a hole out of me and dive right through as if I had never even mattered or upset her at all.
“J-Just let me—,” I tried to interrupt, high-pitched, worried, horrified, but her eyes snapped back to a righteously angry focus and I stumbled on my feet. I had begun to anxiously knead the jacket in my hands, holding out to her like a dumb gift from a fucking peasant. It sure as hell didn't look like I had meant for her to take it to wear. She was partway onto her feet now, and with my hunched stance it wouldn't be long before she was, once again as it was four years ago, taller than me.
“You don't get it. You don't fucking get it. None of you fucking get what it's like! Look at you, Reese fucking Anders, trying to act all sweet and nice as if you know what it's like! You don't! You don't, you motherfucker! You don't know!!”
motherfucker
“YOU—
DON'T—
KNOW!!”
MOTHERFUCKER
The ground was cold and hard against me and my spine screamed from how far I tried to twist into myself. Was there a breeze? I couldn't tell. The only thing I could fully realize was that I was breathing. Harsh. Uneven pants. Practically wheezing. I hugged myself, fingers digging so deep they rivaled the pain in my spine. I glanced up, seeing the edge of the quiet night sky above the treeline. Where was I? When was I?
Who was I?
With another staggered breath I regained myself, swallowing with a shake and trying to take control of my breathing. One breath. Two. One breath. Two. I slowly unfurled and re-curled my fingers. Initially I wanted to wipe my brow of the film of cold sweat that had formed, but my arms were impossible to move. Another shudder, and I dipped my head down into my knees instead. I shut my eyes. I felt calm and hideously disturbed at the same time. My heart wouldn't stop racing. I kept chewing on my lips.
I was afraid of when she'd decide to speak.
“I'm sorry...,” she whispered after the silence had almost made me forget she was there. She let more silence leak in between her sentences, knowing that saying something too quickly, too thoughtlessly, could destroy whatever humanity still existed between us, “I...I shouldn't have been so quick to...judge. To say those things...,”
Like a rocket the tears traveled up my throat to brim around my eyes. Yumi. Apologizing to me. I wanted to have the strength to shove back at her, to tell her that her words were deserved and understandable and nothing like what I'd been saying to her. But it was strength I didn't have. It felt like I had never had any sort of strength ever. Quick to judge? Yumi? Her judgment wasn't wrong, and it sure as hell didn't need...whatever it was she was saying. Some judgments needed to be quick. Some judgments needed to be harsh.
I couldn't say anything. I simply wrapped my arms tighter and leaned forward, farther away from her. She didn't seem to move.
“I was...I was scared.” She gave a few breaths that I think was supposed to be bitter laughter, but it sure didn't sound anything like laughter, “That's...an understatement, I think. I was...terrified. It happened so quickly, and you were still there, and all I could think, all I could think were of all the times you impulsively hurt me, like it was your instinct. It didn't matter that you...you made him, you fought him...,”
Yumi heaved a great, shaking sigh. Her voice was low, but somehow not weak. It creaked like she hadn't used this tone in centuries. Yet it was also so clear and brimming with a sort of quiet strength, like she was finally saying something her mind had been waiting to say for a very long time. It made everything surreal. The tips of the trees moved even though I'm sure there was no wind to make them do so and there was no sound from the rustling of leaves. I focused on them, as if to ensure it was only my mind playing tricks on me. She spoke, almost as if I wasn't there. Almost as if I was a ghost.
“I froze. So stupid, right? Me, freezing at a time like that...,”
Not really, my mind rebutted despite myself, you froze once before, in front of me. Remember when I shoved you to the ground?
“It...,” The silence now seemed so dark and intrusive, but to break it was a greater sin. At least if it was my voice. I stayed quiet as Yumi gathered up her courage, her voice, “It happened before. In a sense. This, I mean. What happened tonight.”
She swallowed as if there would never be enough courage in the world to continue, “I'm...I don't think you've met William Dunbar. Not...officially, anyways. Maybe Odd or Aelita mentioned him, I don't know. We used to date, but I...I broke up with him over the summer. Actually it—well. I dated him because we needed a fifth person on Lyoko and I was testing the waters so to speak. But there were too many little things. Too many...issues. He got pissy if I forgot to kiss him on the cheek, either hello or good-bye. Pissy that I didn't want to display affection publicly, at least not to the levels he wanted. Said that I was 'embarrassed' of him when I refused, so I always had to protest and let him kiss me anyways. He didn't like the others. He kept jeering at Odd but protesting it was 'all in good jest', but Odd, he, you know he can take a lot of shit. He's your roommate for fuck's sake. But this...he just looked uncomfortable every time. Out loud he'd try to brush it off, but I know him too well. And you think you treat Jeremie bad, at least you don't sugar-coat your backhanded compliments. And the way he'd always look at Aelita...It didn't matter that I was dating him. I didn't want him looking at her like that. She always seemed not to notice, and I'm not sure if that was her way of self-defense, or if she truly didn't catch on to his leers. God, it made me sick...
“But I explained it away. That Odd is really rough-cut and also makes inappropriate jokes, that Aelita is a pretty girl and can also take care of herself, it's not like William would try anything on her, especially if he knows I'd be there to protect her. That Jeremie endures bullying day in and day out, that with us as his support group that we could just chip away at William until we get him to the place where we want him and he'd shape up. But there's a problem with that...and as time went on I just got more and more upset and uncomfortable. You can't force people to change. You can't. No matter how many times I told him to stop joking, to stop staring at Aelita not because I was jealous but because I was worried for her well-being, that Jeremie didn't deserve his comments—he didn't see the need to change, so he didn't. And we couldn't show him the need to change without risking everything and putting the whole goddamn world in jeopardy. Early last summer I began to snap and...realize things. That his inappropriate jokes always, always, always came at the expense of someone else even if they were expressly uncomfortable by the jokes. Not like Odd, who seemed to genuinely care and apologize, bury hatchets after everything was figured out. That just because Jeremie endures bullying doesn't make it any more okay no matter who it comes from and why. That it doesn't matter that Aelita is strong and independent, William, I swear he had thoughts about her. Hurting her, in a roundabout way. Maybe he didn't mean to, but if he would press himself against her, keep asking and wearing her armor down...just like he did to me...,”
Yumi gave a dry laugh from her throat and shifted uncomfortably, “It wasn't just my little brother pranking me that made me so crass at you when we first actually talked. Hearing about you dating Aelita, so quickly, too—and judging you from afar, then finding out those judgments held water, I...If I had protected Aelita from William but failed to protect her from you I...,”
The blades of grass at my feet blurred in my vision as I stared beyond them, never even shifting my toes so as not to interrupt her. It was strange that on some level she was still talking to me, but at the same time it felt like I was more her echo chamber, a cardboard cut-out for her to rant at rather than actually being there, sitting back-to-back with her on the forest floor. I knew that Yumi wanted to yank me away from Aelita to protect her. I forgot how I knew, but I knew. And I wouldn't have blamed her, but Yumi stayed back for Aelita's sake, for her independence and strength the both of us spoke so highly of.
“I...I'm avoiding the subject.” she finally confessed, “I really am I—I don't know what happened. Day in and day out it was always the same from him. What I said about my friends, and then to me, it was...make out here, make out there, here's a good spot for some privacy, why don't we get away, Yumi, don't be such a tease, remember when you bared your midriff a few years ago? Why don't you bare a little more? A little more? Or how about more? Over and over and over again. Each time he brought it up, each time he tried to push my clothes a little further or put his hands in spots I hadn't let him touch before, I got angrier and angrier...and more scared. I shouted at him once, straight up screamed so loud the birds left the trees, and he just...laughed. He laughed like I was making a big deal out of nothing. He made to grab me again and I hit him so hard his arm popped and he stormed away in rage. I was angry, too. At him. Then Jeremie called, said XANA was attacking...This kind of thing is old hat to us, and in a way I was relieved. Maybe it could take some tension away, release anger, I don't know. It didn't matter. In fact I was almost happy that XANA had possessed William for the attack, just so I could hit him without remorse. I was angry, so pissed I'd be more trouble on Lyoko than off. I told the others to go to the factory to deactivate the tower. I'd stay behind and deal with XANA, or William as it was in my mind.
“You can't beat XANA. You can only stall him until the tower is deactivated. XANA is very...cut-and-dry. Destroy or be destroyed. In a way it's almost...comforting, the black-and-whiteness of it all compared to the moral greyness of...this. This fucking world and all the people in it. I do believe there's good in everyone, or at least I did. It's so hard, now, but I try. I try to make sure I keep myself in check. I'm just one person. I can't do everything, but I can do a lot.
“I can do a lot...,” she repeated as she hid her face in her knees. From the delicate scraping of her jacket against mine I could tell she had started to shake. I tightened my grip on myself. I imagine she did the same. Her voice was thick and labored, interspersed with gasps that she shouldn't have had to take. Sobbing, if I had to call it anything.
“XANA possessed William and it was as normal as it usually was. Destroy or be destroyed, kill or be killed. Until the game changed. Until he...,”
“He numbed my arms and legs with electricity. And he didn't stop. And I couldn't get out and all the anger melted into fear and I couldn't get out and I started screaming until he stopped that too. I...,”
Nothing was funny anymore.
“I barely remember how far he got. I know it wasn't all the way. Hell it wasn't anything, really. The tower deactivated and the spectre went away. William collapsed and I kicked him off of me and ran to the factory. XANA had never done anything like that before. I told myself it was a fluke in the system, that XANA was learning and was simply adjusting the game, trying to feel out our fears. That was it. That was all it was. Using William was just a lucky guess on that fucking machine's part. But then I got to the factory and Jeremie said that before the attack happened he was pulling information up on how possession worked anyways. That XANA only exerts enough power to take control of the conscious mind via the person's electromagnetic fields and neuro...neuro-electricity. I don't know, this is his realm of thinking. But the conscious thought...Jeremie went on to explain that unconscious thought influenced XANA's possession. How their personality and physical quirks still remain despite the possession...how...how he even theorized that subconscious thoughts or desires can influence XANA to...
“T-To Jeremie it was a way to understand how XANA was learning about humans, letting the subconscious thought free so it can learn behaviors and emotions. To me...,”
“Breaking up with him was hard. Hard. Because he hadn't actually done anything. It was XANA's fault, it wasn't fair to him, really. I mean, I was upset with him outside of XANA. I was always upset with him, and I justified that as the reason. He didn't like it. He wanted a concrete reason, not my stupid...emotions or feelings or—I didn't matter. It didn't matter I was upset. I didn't matter. I cut it off. He's been trying to salvage something ever since. I try to shut him out. Sometimes he gives me a decent conversation and that scares me more than anything, because I feel like I know what's lurking underneath that. I try not to give him the time of day. But it's so hard, because it's so unfair. It wasn't his fault, it wasn't even that bad, he didn't even get anywhere. My pants weren't even unbuttoned, I shouldn—,”
“Shut up.” I interrupted. She jumped, shocked to hear me break her flow of thought, perhaps even forgetting I was there. My voice was low and growling, but curt and direct. Yumi opened her mouth but as soon as she made a sound I repeated myself. “Shut up.”
There was silence again, but it was uneasy and for once I held power over it. I could feel Yumi's unrest brimming with each second. Aelita hadn't known. Nobody had known. And here she just sat down and told me everything. Told Reese Anders everything, and it smelled like I was going to throw it back in her face. The curve of my lip twitched.
“What does it fucking matter,” I exhaled, dark and rigid, “How far it got or how far it didn't get.”
“What...,” Yumi breathed, shock and surprise making her voice waver as if she hadn't meant to say anything at all.
“Does it matter that XANA or whatever got rid of William's chains? Does it really fucking matter? Look at you,” I turned, just enough so I could see her in my peripherals. Her hair was unkempt, far too smooth and close to her skin as though she had attempted to fix it before sitting by me. Awkward strands stuck out, caught in her uneven breath. She had turned in response to my movement though it was only about as far as I had turned. Peripheral to peripheral. I'm not sure how she was seeing me. I'm not even sure she knew how to see me. Maybe that was why we were in peripherals, “You're fucked up. You're fucked up over this. Sure is a hell of a lot of being fucked up over nothing.”
“What are you saying...?” Yumi continued to whisper. I turned away, letting my fingers fall to the blades of grass at my heels.
“He hurt you. End of story.”
“He...?”
“He hurt you. That's why you're like this.”
“So...,” Yumi's voice became hard, her jaw tightening, “So...what. I just need to blame all my fucking problems on the world around me?”
I whipped my head around over my shoulder, snapping, “Did I fucking say that?!”
Yumi snapped around too, shifting so she was facing my back. There was a snarl on her lips and the muscles in her arms were taut, but she stopped, blinked, and let her lip slide between her teeth.
“N-No,” she said, looking away from me, “No, you didn't. I'm sorry.”
Her. Apologizing to me again. Hearing those words made my skin crawl as if I was in danger. I turned away without a terse comment or even a dismissive sniff, trying to hide that anything was wrong. She sat there for a while, quiet with her legs folded underneath her. Oblivious, I hoped. Each breath she took was deep and purposeful, every now and then cut off with a choke. I listened as the breaths went from smooth to shaky and back to smooth.
“Are...are you alright?” Yumi quietly asked. I didn't answer, too stunned by her words. Me? What about me? This was the sort of question to come out of Aelita's mouth, and by now she was used to me attempting to deflect the question. But from Yumi's? I guess she wasn't as oblivious as I'd hoped. Knowing how genuine it was and how deep her emotions ran didn't help. It didn't fucking help anything. Pain rose up in my chest, and the pain brought panic. Shit, shit, shit. I wanted to get up and leave. No—wait, she needed to get up and leave! I—I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was lay the fuck down and...
“Reese...?” She asked, damn well knowing I heard her the first time. Pain, panic, and anger. Goddammit, go away. Go the fuck away. Leave me alone! I didn't fucking want you, or this, or anything even remotely related to this!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!
“Reese...,” her voice was lower now, more controlled. Somehow she had struggled past the emotional breakdown that those memories could only dredge up. Somehow she was able to put it behind her—no matter how impossible that seemed—while my mind was screaming in circles that I couldn't break. Instead of panic and anger the only thing I could glean from her was maturity. Maturity and...gratitude. Gratitude? Fuck you, Ishiyama! Fuck you!! Get your hand away from my shoulder!! “Let me see where he hurt you.”
Where?! My mind screamed, Which one?! Do you know how many—no, you don't want to know how many! You don't, you don't, you don't! As the cadence of shouts became overwhelming in my head I suddenly realized that my back hurt like hell. More than just being sore from sitting in this position for so long; my lower back felt like it was still on fucking fire. The fabric of my shirt, usually soft, felt like sandpaper against the tender wound as it soaked up pus and god knows what else. Tears sprung to my eyes from the pain, but, fucking fuck, I didn't want her to see. Pathetically shifting away while moving as little as possible, I whimpered.
“No.” My throat closed as I said it, and I tried to bury into myself further, miserable. The hand that hovered over one shoulder gingerly rested on me, and soon after the other did too, bracing me from behind. Yumi's voice was very soft, very sincere...very dangerous, to me. Though it had been a hesitant move it was like she was gradually bringing a cage down. I stiffened and didn't dare to twitch, even though that would only make it easier for the cage to close.
“I won't hurt you, Reese,” she soothed, “Not tonight.”
Lies. Lies. Fucking lies. Lies! She was going to hurt me, maybe not tonight but eventually, and she'd be full within her rights to do so! After all I've done, after all I'll continue to do...Call it stubborn. Call it fucking stupid. But I was so desperately determined to keep our relationship the same tumultuous war zone it had always been; after tonight I wanted to go back to the way things were as if nothing had happened. Pretending like nothing was wrong. I was so, so, so good at that anyways. It was what Reese was built from. I didn't even feel angry over how eventually she'd break this promise and hurt me, it was just the way the world worked. It was how people worked. There was nothing to stop this so why even pretend.
“Hey...,” Yumi leaned in closer so that I could feel her gentle breath on the back of my neck, “I mean it. I don't want to hurt you. I won't. Let me see where it hurts, so you know if you need help...,”
Maybe she was telling the truth though. To the best of her ability, at least. Yumi was smart. Yumi was good. Yumi knew that everyone hurt everyone else eventually. So if she was still trying to make this promise, maybe she really meant it. Trying to be as helpful, as truthful as possible. Wasn't that the way Yumi had always worked? Didn't she just say she believed in the good of people, even when it tore her down to do so?
Ah, but did she believe in the good of herself? I wanted to say I did. I do. I believe she's...a very good person. But me? She should be good to me in not being good to me. Fair's fair. Did I want to take the risk that maybe she wasn't being truthful? What in the fucking world had I done to even try to change her mind about me, anyways?!
What was she staring at? What could she stare at that would be so intense? Fuck off. I knew the answers to those questions before I even asked them. Knowing the answer caused me to flinch and let out an unflattering, animal-like noise as her hands wrapped around the end of my jacket and slowly began to lift it.
She was testing me, but of course, of course she would. Of course she'd just go right the fuck ahead and attempt to help 'fix' me no matter what I said. Truthful my ass! Of course this was her own benefit! Of course she was going to! Of course she was going to fucking hurt me!!
I'd save you, but only because it makes a reflection on who I am rather than what I think of you.
Your actions have spoken, Ishiyama, now get the fuck off!!!
As strong as the words sounded in my head, I did nothing.
So did Yumi.
She simply stopped upon noticing I wasn't fighting back, even with my tongue. I heard her inhale calmly, and she spoke again, in a soothing, coaxing way I didn't want to have work on me.
“Your shirt is spotted.” It was a quiet note. Avoiding the obvious, avoiding how and why my shirt was spotted, avoiding that it was an addition to an uncountable amount of scars on my skin. Carefully, slowly, she let her hands slide back up to my shoulders, again acting as a brace. She paused, letting her palms warm me.
“I swear I won't hurt you,” she reiterated, no louder than the sound of her own breath, “I swear.”
I wanted to scream you already did but saying that wouldn't be fair, would it, after all I did—all I wanted to continue doing. Yumi sighed, giving in. Her hands relaxed, and I felt her thumbs gently trace an arc on either side of my spine. She breathed more. I don't know if I did.
“The scars are all over, aren't they?” Her voice was sad. Remorseful, “I would be lying if I said I never saw them. I just...I just didn't want to think past everything you said. Everything you ever said to me.”
She had never brought attention to the scars before. Hell, I hadn't even noticed she hadn't brought attention to them until she mentioned that she had actively ignored them. I almost didn't believe it was true—how could you ignore something so goddamn obvious? Yet I could understand wanting to ignore it, I wish I could ignore it every day of my life. Ignoring it to hate me? Then all the better. I wished she had gone on ignoring them, then, because now, under her scrutiny, every imperfection burned just as painfully as the new one forming at the base of my back. Every divot, every stitched line, every swatch of discolored skin came to my mind's eye like I was standing naked in a mirror. She saw them all, in my head. There was nowhere to hide. The truth had been yanked from me and thrown at Yumi—she had no choice but to acknowledge them now. And there was nowhere to hide.
“I know I said I try to see the good in everyone,” her voice cracked as her fingers became rigid, “But I'm not Aelita. I don't know how she does it, most days. I think—I think now, maybe I know how she sees you.”
She was angry at herself. Inwards, destructive, demoralizing. Whether this was new anger from the fact that she hadn't forced herself to realize the reason I existed sooner or this was an old, cyclical anger that ate through itself over and over in her head, I couldn't tell. Maybe it was both, working together to waver her voice and stiffen her muscles as she spoke.
I think I frightened her. I think I was frightening her the most by not doing anything. But more than anything else I frightened her from this moment onwards.
Mission accomplished.
Job well done, Anders. You did what you sought out to do.
“I think she looked behind the mask before anything else. I think it wasn't even a question in her mind, to see what she saw, to understand something first and judge second. To think that I didn't do that, that I actively tried to not do that...That I didn't want to understand...,” Yumi shivered, “It wasn't fair to you.”
“Do you really think I wanted it to be fair to me?” my voice croaked, efficiently hiding emotion with practiced ease, “Do you think I cared about justice in my favor?”
“You're fucking broken...,” Yumi quietly shot. Her fingers curled against my shoulders and I flinched. She uncurled them immediately, wary of causing unnecessary tension.
“Tell me something I don't know,” I retorted. The words were morose. My voice? Impossible to say.
The forest, which had blurred in panic and unease, was slowly coming back into focus. The sky had clouds in it, but they were sparse. There was no moon. It was so late that the lights of the city were fading, allowing more stars to shine in the blackness. Leaves and branches of trees stood out against the rich indigo sky, black and gentle in the wind. If I stared hard enough I could even see the patterns of the bark of the trees just in front of me. For the first time since daylight, I breathed, deep and full.
The hand that was on my right shoulder slid down, Yumi's fingers barely touching the canvas of my jacket. Ever so gently she pulled my shirt farther up, and it sounded like she licked her lips nervously.
“There's an older burn here. Big...It goes up to your neck doesn't it? And your shoulder...,”
“Water,” I answered, hoarse, “Boiling water. Shit ramen. Or, it was supposed to be, anyways.”
Yumi was quiet, her eyes on the back of my head. Neither of us was expecting me to actually answer. It couldn't be considered a gaze, but I did barely meet Yumi's eye over my shoulder. The one that she had mentioned, the one where the skin was dull red rings around skin that was pink and unnaturally smooth. It itched. Somehow that was comforting.
“What happened?” Yumi asked, more to encourage me to keep speaking rather than to know the gruesome details.
“He didn't like that I was making dinner only for myself.”
I turned away again. The breeze was welcome, and the smell of trees at night even moreso. Dew was already settling on everything. Nothing stirred in our silence. My heart grew dim.
“Please stop touching me.”
Without protest nor indifference, Yumi lifted her hands and retreated. A weird calm settled between us. No hostility from my request. No bad blood spilled, at least not from tonight. If anything much of the blood had been cleaned up in a way where it probably couldn't be spilled again. At least not the way it had been before. So much for my dream of continuing on like tonight had never happened. I wondered if Yumi felt the same way, if she had desperately wanted us to go back to fighting and hurting each other, if only to have something familiar to cling to.
But then again, I didn't know anything. Maybe this was a breath of fresh air to Yumi. Maybe some tension had released from her aching muscles. Maybe she didn't know she needed this.
Maybe I didn't know I needed this, even though I could live my entire shitty existence without this night having ever happened and be perfectly fine. From here on in the water was uncharted, dark, and terrible. At least with being an asshole I knew what to expect. With this...anything could happen, and that was what I was afraid of.
Yumi stood up and methodically brushed herself off.
“My head is telling me it's too early to tell, my heart suggests this is too little too late, but...I trust you, Reese. At the very least, I trust you to be who you pretend to be. Who you say you are.”
“Good night, Reese.”
I didn't want to, but I flinched when I heard her say my name. It cemented everything. It cemented a change. It cemented all the things that weren't supposed to happen as things that definitely happened. It hurt to hear her say that name, to hear her say that she trusted me once more. It hurt because this was never supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to let her get this far, to know this much...
No, it was worse than that. She trusted me, trusted that the mask she had so earnestly referred to earlier was what I was and she accepted that. Was the mask even real? Did Aelita really look behind it, or was she able to see the whole picture and didn't even think it would be complete without the mask? Did it even matter? Because now Yumi trusted me, and she trusted me after we nearly destroyed each other. She put her trust in me after months of being a dick to her without remorse or sympathy, she trusted me simply because I broke my father's arm in a blind fury to ensure she didn't truly get hurt.
She put her trust in me because the mask came off, the walls came down, and for a moment she saw a glimpse of a person behind Reese Anders, and that changed everything. She trusted me because suddenly I had given her something to believe in: a person, a boy, a someone, an anyone. An anyone named Reese.
Therein lied all my problems.
For a moment, here, in the grass, in the silence where the forest came back into focus, I didn't feel like Reese anymore. Hell I didn't feel like Ulrich either, or anyone for that matter—how could you believe in something if it didn't exist, if it kept changing faces so much it didn't even have an identity, if it didn't have a definitive name?
It hit me then that no matter what name I called myself it would always hurt to hear it in her voice.
Chapter 18 is very close to being released, and as such I have to put out extra warnings that will also be put before the chapter itself begins:
There are graphic, brutal depictions of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse; sexual assault/implications of rape in both the written text and illustrations. Individuals with sensitivity to these topics may feel the need to sit this one out and that’s completely alright. If you have any questions, need a guide through the chapter, or a more direct reference as to what to expect in order to steel yourself for the chapter, feel free to drop me a line. I won’t be able to respond until the chapter goes up, and even then I’ll probably crash for a while, so responses may not be immediate.
Take care of yourselves, see you when the Chapter’s up!
Not sure what you mean by discord chat but if you'd like to ramble, I was wondering who gets freaked out by which kind of horror movie scene (cl or iwry)
good question! discord is a skype-ish program specifically designed for gaming but in general it works smoother and there are opportunities for nice big group chats, so an iwry discord chat or server would basically just be a chatroom for iwry related stuff. as a creator i DO have to distance myself a little bit so i don’t think i’d be intensely active in the room but i would be lurking in it, yeah
you can get it for free here if you like, but there’s no big need. my question at large is would an IWRY group chat be worth it to you folks!
as for the second part of your question i usually take queries like that over at @reese-anders which used to be an rp blog but now i usually dump drabbles or posts that align with the concepts nicely. (sp-speaking of drabbles i have a ton of drabbles in queue to write….whoops)
Reblog if it’s okay for your followers to leave you an ask telling you what the one thing is they remember you for as a writer. Is it a scene or a detail or a specific line? Is it something like style or characterization? Is it that one weird kink they never thought they’d be into, but oh my god wow self-discovery time?
XANA's voice had distorted into something resembling Aelita's if she were inhuman and monstrous. Aelita curled her fingers into tight fists. Her neck straightened out and when she spoke it was darker than XANA's, the words smooth and controlled. I was only glad I couldn't see her eyes; I had no doubt the hatred in them would've sent me scurrying into the corner.
“Yumi. Take Reese, protect him. Jeremie, have you located the tower?”
“W-Well,” Jeremie said as Yumi shifted, unsheathing her fans once more. She was ready to fight the clone, side-by-side with her friend and worst enemy, “When XANA revealed himself um...yes. I-It's in the Forest Sector, but the Way Tower is far to the south—,”
“Then Yumi and Reese better get moving. I'll deal with the clone.”
“Wh-What,” Yumi cried in surprise, “Aelita you haven't fought one of these things, you're going to need help, and I'm staying to fight with you! Besides, you need to deactivate the tower!”
Aelita only took her eyes off of XANA for a moment to glance back at Yumi. Yumi stiffened in shock, her heel sliding back as if she was backing away in fear.
“A joint deactivation. You've done one before, Yumi. Odd has too. And you can do it again.”
“Aelita, no!!” Jeremie protested, “A joint deactivation will send out a surge of power that overcharges a return to the past! If a return trip is triggered before you can defeat the clone...,”
“...Then who knows what XANA could do!”
“Ah, yes,” XANA spread its arms wide in mockery, “A surge of power to the supercomputer, to me, while a clone still exists? Could be disastrous! Could be the first actual incident of an intelligent virtual life form, since you obviously no longer count, do you, Aelita?”
A subtle wave traveled through Aelita's body from her toes to her shoulders and then her head. Her body relaxed as the wave passed by, undulating in a slow and deliberate manner up her spine. Curls of her ponytail brushed the back of her neck and shoulders, her pointed ears twitching. The anger in her voice transcended to something else. No more snarls or growls of rage. There was only a smooth calmness, like she had her finger on the button that would unleash a nuclear bomb to end the world and she wouldn't bat an eyelash to push it.
“Go now,” she told us, “Before I make you.”
“Vehicles on the way,” Jeremie took care to not show how much he relented to her as within moments the overwing and the overbike appeared before us. XANA smirked, letting us board and subsequently speed away, its red mockery of Aelita's hair blowing around its face as we sped past it.
We weren't even close to the edge of the plateau before we heard explosions—sharp pops like concentrated firecrackers. I chanced a look over my shoulder, seeing Aelita and XANA closely engaged in vicious combat. Their wings cut through the night sky, Aelita's soft and feathery ones turning sharp and deadly as they sliced through the air with precision to help her dodge attacks. XANA's bladed bat wings seemed just as dangerous as the fields of energy it was throwing at her, often times cutting through the air as if it was aiming them at her throat or limbs. It was hard to see their expressions, but I knew XANA had that damned smirk on its face as usual.
And I knew Aelita's was contorted in fierce concentration and hatred; an expression I would've given up name, status, and life to have never seen. It belonged on her face. She deserved to show it.
I just didn't want to see it.
I turned around, following Yumi over the edge of the plateau. Much as I didn't really enjoy the overbike's hover mode as much as one might think, now was not the time for waiting for a convenient ramp to appear.
Or an ice wall. Shards of the ice Aelita conjured to protect us—protect me—from harm glittered around our shoulders. Neither of us faltered or blinked, pushing our vehicles to go faster. The sooner we got away from their battle, the better for me, the better for Aelita, the better for everyone.
So was the hope.
If Jeremie could keep in perfect contact with Aelita so she could pinpoint the killing blow in the split-seconds between Yumi deactivating the tower and the power surge triggering a return trip, then there would be nothing to worry about. Except, as usual, there was everything to worry about. Especially when it wasn't just my virtual ass on the line, but my actual flesh-and-blood one too. The ice sector whipped past, shimmering cathedrals of blue ice that made grotesque reflections of us going unnoticed. Yumi had not once looked back, even to see if Aelita would be alright. I had seen the look on her face before; when she was fighting against her own clone, in the gym when she sparred with me, hell even just a few moments ago before Aelita pointed her weapon at her nose. She had narrowed her mind to one track: Win. Succeed. Pull through to the other side, no matter what that other side might be.
Pillars of ice fanned out in front of us, surrounding the Way Tower like a decorative wall. Somewhere the sound of a waterfall roared, bouncing between the pillars to make them sing a low, deep tune. Yumi wasted no time, blasting into the Way Tower without pausing to make sure I knew what to do.
The solemn tree trunks mirrored the pillars of ice as the sunny forest momentarily blinded me. Though there were never any signs of leaves on the branches of the trees, the atmosphere and the sky always gave a sun-dappled feeling, welcoming, almost homely. Perhaps it wasn't surprising considering all the time I spent in the forest; in a weird way it was fitting that the activated tower was here when XANA was trying to impersonate me. Or some version of me that never existed and never will.
Fuck, that hurt to think about.
“Monsters!” Jeremie yelped, grabbing our attention, “Due north, where the tower is located!”
“Can you make out what kinds before we can?” Yumi called, one hand going to the bow on the small of her back, the edges of her fan slipping into her fingers.
Jeremie didn't hesitate, “Four kankrelats, two...no three diggers, one blok, and—,”
“One tarantula,” Yumi finished, unsheathing her fan, “I see it.”
“U-Um,” I stammered as we continued to blaze full speed into what was going to be the heart of battle, no ambush, no tip-toeing around trying to avoid lasers, “This is all well and good, but I still don't have a new sword,”
“Oh,” Jeremie blurted genuinely, “Forgot about that. Give me a sec,”
One sec was one sec too long. Yumi had already thrown herself into the fray and I had nothing on me but a knife at my waist. It's not like I minded this too much, but sometimes it absolutely sucked to more or less only have a close-ranged weapon.
Especially against new enemies I wasn't used to fighting and no, I didn't scream like a baby when it leapt from underneath the ground to tackle me off the overbike. Fuck's sake, it wasn't even that big. It's flat claws clung to the sides of my face as I tumbled chaotically over the green ground. As the sector spun in my vision I could barely make out the overbike running over a kankrelat, crushing it. I wish I could say that was planned. If Yumi asks me, it totally was. Just taking inspiration from when you smashed the bear. Yeah. Totally.
Stupid little fucking...
Finally. The kankrelat that had watched me scream and tumble towards the edge of the path soon had a sword in its face. Indignity or not, at least I was back in the action.
God...God damn it.
There was something to be said about losing the ability to use one's skills after getting flustered or scared once. One incident sets up for the next incident, which makes one more flustered, which almost ensures another incident, and it just snowballs. Or in this case, freezes my legs. Yumi stomped both her feet on the ground from an aerial attack, shocking a digger out into the open where she could slice it in two. Did she see me? I'm sure she did, and was just spitefully ignoring me. I could at least take some grace in that, though in the back of my head I was a little bit worried of the idea of her relaying this story later. To the raucous laughter of Odd, no less, who would repeat it to my ears as if I hadn't been there in the first place.
You know what, being back with the Lyoko Warriors was a terrible idea.
Deflecting one of the blok's lasers back at it, I struggled to break my legs free as the tarantula turned its aim in my direction. Spitting out a few choice words, I redoubled my efforts, but when the ice wouldn't budge I unsheathed the dagger at my waist. Two blades would better deflect than just one, and I had no time to concentrate and hack away at the ice to free myself.
A laser hit my shoulder and I hissed in pain. Pain on Lyoko! I awkwardly doubled over as much as I could with my legs frozen, dropping the knife and clutching where the laser had hit. Was this a result of having my materialization codes stolen, or did XANA just throw in the pain for fun? It didn't matter. Tarantulas had a habit of rapid-firing, and once it had seen it had hit me once it wasted no time in powering up a second wave of lasers I had no hope to stop. Still, I lifted the sword up in front of my face, futile as it was.
“Yumi! Reese's life-points!”
Yumi swung herself in front of me before Jeremie had even finished his sentence. She immediately became illuminated by the glow of the lasers, each one deflected or absorbed by her fans. Her fingers twirled them expertly, never missing a beat. The rosary slung around her shoulder twitched and vibrated, glowing with the tell-tale sign of telekinesis as it too protected her against lasers. At some point the tarantula, frustrated, let out its static roar, starting to aim lower or higher to try and throw Yumi off. She intentionally led its aim lower until they were tearing up the ground around her, then she leapt, handspring over handspring. The tarantula, so frustrated by Yumi dancing around its attacks, momentarily forgot about me and focused angrily on her. The trail of endless lasers followed her, almost but not quite catching up. Yumi threw one fan, distracting the lasers towards it. She took the window of opportunity to bunch her legs and leap again.
Huh.
It was then and only then that Yumi looked at me. Narrowing her eyes, she turned around and ran into the tower.
“Jeremie, how's Aelita holding up?” She asked as she ran.
Jeremie couldn't answer. With a wince of worry, Yumi pressed her body against the wall of the tower and entered, asking Jeremie for guidance as she murmured a quiet prayer of help for Aelita.
It was also then that I realized I was still frozen to the ground. I bent down to pick up the knife, chipping and digging at the ice. A distant rumbling slowly grew louder, and I lifted my head, scanning the trees.
“Reese—ugh,” Jeremie cleared his throat of the bad taste that interrupted him, and tried to continue as if this was normal, “There's another monster coming. It's called a megatank, it means business, and you have to—,”
“Yeah.” Jeremie huffed flatly, “Okay.”
Relax, Jeremie. I'd take a megatank over a digger any day.
“You're a sitting duck,” Jeremie relayed utter confidence in a sarcastic tone to me. My back was to the tower, both knife and sword drawn, eyes darting between the tree trunks. The fallen overbike was near me. Somewhere along the line the overwing had been destroyed. Little things—little details to keep me distracted as the weight of the situation was finally settling into my shoulders.
“You can see what's going on, four-eyes?” I asked, panting.
“To an extent,” he answered curtly. I closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing. Aelita...
I had faith in her, but if she was a millisecond off, if Yumi was a millisecond off, XANA would be powered in a way that only our nightmares could dream of. A clone, a virtual being with all of XANA's essence in it. Next step would be materialization, and then what? Kill Aelita and take her stead? After that, the city? The world? As terrifying as all of that sounded, what was most terrifying to me was that we wouldn't know how to fight it.
That was XANA's focus now. No new monsters stirred in the quiet forest. All of its concentration was spent making sure Aelita couldn't stop it before the joint deactivation launched the return trip. What was Aelita thinking? Revenge for me by her own hand, or proving herself to be as much of a warrior as any of us? My stomach turned. If she had just left the clone to Yumi, all of this worry and knotting in our guts could've been avoided. I twisted my mouth and pleaded the way Yumi had, that Aelita would be in sync with us and nothing bad would happen.
“Jeremie!” Aelita's scream crackled over the intercom. My heart leapt into my throat as my vision blurred. This was it; she was going to confess she couldn't take over the clone and—
“Redirect the power surge to the weapons system! Redirect it to my energy fields!”
“What?!” Jeremie shrieked, already tacking on the keyboard despite himself, “A-Aelita there's no time, why didn't you—,”
“Do it now before XANA has a chance to counter! Do it!!”
“Jeremie!” Yumi shouted, leaving the tower. The return trip hadn't launched, but that didn't mean anything. Maybe XANA was in the process of a counter, maybe the clone was still twitching. Already knowing what Yumi was going to ask, I righted the overbike, “How long before another overwing?”
“A few minutes—,”
“Aelita doesn't have a few minutes! If that clone devirtualized her and then got to a tower or—,”
“Ahem.”
Yumi sneered, “Fuck you. I'm driving.”
“Sure. Go ahead. I'll get shot in the back while you're fumbling for your weapons while trying to drive at the same time.”
With a scowl, knowing she couldn't waste any time arguing, she spat another insult and hopped on behind me. Her hands gripped the back of the bike, refusing to wrap around my waist or shoulders or any part of me. Whatever. I sped off, retracing our tracks back to the Way Tower.
Come on, Aelita.
Come on, you can do this.
“Aelita!!” Yumi cried, hopping off the overbike and running towards her. I dismounted, quietly approaching after her. I was just as proud and relieved as she was for the princess, yet there was something holding me back. Appearances for one, Reese couldn't be one to giddily run up and gush over someone no matter how amazing—rather, terrifying—the end to the fight was. For the other...Jeremie's sitting duck came to mind. I had been the centerpiece of this whole near-disaster. We had escaped by the skin of our teeth but we were that close to XANA having its key into unleashing into the material world. I could see how it was mostly the others' fault for falling for XANA's deception, but then again...
I looked at Aelita. She wouldn't want me to head down that road anyways. I needed to push it from my mind.
Aelita stonily ignored Yumi, brushing her off like she was a speck of dust on her pauldron. Yumi stiffened, taken aback as Aelita simply stepped forward, meeting my eyes.
“Let's get your codes back.”
She moved past me, on her way to the edge of the sector. It took a moment, but I soon followed. A moment longer, and Yumi was finally shaken to follow as well. She walked weirdly, as if her joints wouldn't bend all the way. Yet her chin was forced high, as if it hadn't been a slight against her pride and friendship that Aelita had regarded her so coldly. It wasn't just Aelita, I knew; bringing up the codes was a brutal reminder to her that she had nearly killed someone without second-guessing herself. A living, breathing human being that XANA had fooled her into thinking was fake. It had confirmed all her biases, raised me to something she could actually hurt without remorse. I had seen the tightness of her jaw and the hollow swallow that moved down her throat. XANA had terrified her, and he had done so by using her judgments against her.
Ouch.
Despite everything I felt an involuntary pang of sympathy. Having a common enemy made it possible to feel for another enemy. Imagine that.
Imagine that.
The hall opened. We moved. The mouth of the labyrinth yawned, opening into a vast room with no visible ceiling and no visible bottom. Thick, white fog blotted out everything around us. I looked to Aelita, wondering if she would light the way with some of her fire. She simply walked down the platform we were on—the tongue of the labyrinth's mouth.
“Jeremie,” Aelita spoke the first word since arriving as a command. There was a sound as if he jumped, jarred from his thoughts.
“The key,” he affirmed after a while, “It's beneath you.”
“Is there a floor?” Yumi asked, peering over the edge. I kept my distance. Overall Lyoko usually didn't trigger any vertigo, but there's a first time for everything and I didn't want to arouse any suspicion or draw more attention to myself.
Aelita's shoulders bunched even as Jeremie gave Yumi a vague answer. Above her shoulder blades licks of energy emerged and fanned out into her wings. With a determined leap she shot down like a pink arrow, sleek and graceful. Her wings were the only visible part of her, streaks of pink fire in the fog. They fanned upwards; she must've found some sort of footing.
The fog covering the void started to dissipate, revealing the pillar Aelita had landed on along with several creepers waiting in ambush. Yumi wasted no time, jumping down after her before the creepers could get at her. Precision had always been Yumi's strong suit, and she did not miss.
Aside from the fact that Yumi couldn't move even if she wanted to, there was no way I was following her down there. Maybe a few more minutes to see if the vertigo was going to set in or it was just anxiety over the idea of vertigo. That and I couldn't afford to get hit again. Jeremie could see my lifepoints but he wasn't exactly keen on keeping me updated.
I would do just fine defending myself, but even so the creeper's hisses caught Aelita's attention. Soon a barrage of pink explosions complemented the hail of lasers. More and more creepers snaked into the room, slithering over the walls. Yumi cleared a path below as more pillars rose up like treacherous bamboo shoots in a kung fu movie. Aelita was split between helping the two of us; taking out whatever creepers she could, keeping her eyes open as her wings kept her suspended.
“Reese!” Aelita called, her voice pitched.
Shit. Ow. Time to abandon ship
“Aelita—,” I groaned as she hoisted me to where the exit opened up at the end of the pillars, “I'm fine, really.”
I mean, nevermind that I had crazily jumped off the ledge only just as Yumi was leaping from one pillar to the next, and that I hadn't really looked where I was leaping because I was in such desperation to get away from the lasers. And nevermind that maybe the vertigo had really kicked in. All of this was relayed back to me as Aelita could only give me a look that said I almost lost you too many times today already. Yumi didn't take long to join us, hands and feet pushing off of pillars in perfect semi-circle bounds. Once she was past the threshold Aelita manipulated the environment to seal the exit, keeping the creepers away from us.
Away from me.
How could you ever plead with someone to stop saving your life? How could you protest it wasn't worth it without sounding like you needed to be under 24-hour watch? I wanted Aelita to stop. Stop protecting me. Someday this will all bounce back and someone or something will break and she'd lose something that she couldn't regain because of me.
If that hadn't already happened.
Maybe it was right of her to regard the others so coldly after this, if she was the only one in the world who knew the whole truth. Yes, I guess she was right—she was saving a life, and that put her above the others. But it had to be difficult to be the only one, the only hope for me in a sense. The others now looked at her in wariness and shame; this was destroying something we had all taken for granted as unconditional. She needed—deserved a break. A music concert, or a steady girlfriend for fuck's sake. All she got from this was me, and hell it wasn't even for me now, it was for a future me, a me that didn't exist but one she put a lot of faith in.
In my experience, holding out for some awful person to change for the better never worked. It was pointless. Useless. Naïve and stupid. Aelita would protest that she knew me deep down, that her faith wasn't misplaced.
Yeah well, I fucking knew me too.
And her faith was misplaced.
Dad never changed. Mom never changed. And I wasn't going to either. I was fucking doomed. Like father like son. What was even the point of trying? At the end of this tunnel everyone was going to find out I was betraying them anyways by hiding behind an alias.
If they had known I was the real Ulrich as I was now, would they still crucify me under the scyphozoa? Would they take XANA's dreamboat over me?
Probably. Or at least fantasize about the boy I used to be.
Was she already fantasizing about that? About how I was stealing the place of the boy who used to have this avatar?
I wanted to say god help me, but why put my faith in anything, physical or spiritual, when I didn't even have faith in myself?
It didn't take as long as I expected, probably because Aelita had done this before. That and the fact that no one, not even Odd, dared break the silence that she held power over. Yumi's shoulders were rigid and she refused to turn towards me, keeping her watch over the empty space outside of Sector 5. I faced away from her as well, poised and ready.
“There.” Aelita finally said, closing windows on the console, “Reese, you're human again.”
“Good,” Yumi snapped, clearly upset but not being able to let it out any other way, “I hear the mantas but I don't see them, so the sooner we get out of here the better.”
Jeremie's voice confirmed that vehicles were on the way. Over the course of the trip to Sector 5 I had heard Odd in the background a couple of times, idly but awkwardly humming or busying himself as Jeremie stoically led us through the core. Both of them were quieter than would normally make me comfortable, but in a way it was suitable to the situation. Even if it was over-thinking, the quiet helped me think, and these past few days haven't been quiet enough for me to do that. Although it's not like I was relaxed, even with Aelita and Yumi at my back.
The vehicles appeared, one overwing and one overbike. Yumi flipped out a fan into her hand and snarled lowly.
“Too easy. Where are the mantas?”
Everyone paused, listening hard. I could've sworn I heard the eggs in the wall crack, the beating of their wings and their distant cries, but now, nothing. Aelita followed Yumi's lead by charging energy in the palm of her hand.
Oh. There they were.
I screamed, screamed as the world became a blurry frantic mess of flailing limbs, gripping and clutching at the manta for dear life. So close to being safe! So goddamned close! I guess XANA had had enough taking his chances and was going for brute force. Fingers clawing at the soft skin of the manta, I slid to the side, feet dangling precariously as my sword flipped uselessly into the blue void. It wasn't a safe spot—I don't know what my hands where holding onto because for all intents and purposes it felt like nothing. Just sheer luck.
The undulation of the manta's spine made me slip more and, crazed and heart pounding, I clawed its sleek skin for dear life. Each second the manta flew farther and farther away from Yumi and Aelita. It didn't matter that my sword had fallen into the void; my only hope now was the manta, as futile as it was. The monster bucked its spine and I popped up like a personified hiccup, one that was going to fall off and be virtualized forever. I yelped, scraping my hands and slipping away until they clamped securely on the manta's wire-like tail. Gritting my teeth, I tried not to breathe too hard as we swayed erratically. My head raced. My first instinct was to scream for Jeremie to do something—devirtualize me, freeze up the manta, some sort of help. I mean, I was strong. I could hold on damn well despite the manta flicking its weighed-down tail in an attempt to shake me off, but I couldn't exactly do anything else. Sitting duck. Again. Or a duck hanging on to a manta for dear life. I should try to coax and coo the manta or something Odd would do; good manta, don't drop me into the void, manta, you're the only hope I have right now, manta—
You know, I briefly had a cat once. Dad wasn't big on animals, he didn't like them and it was always clear to see, so the cat always had to stay outside but I was very determined to be responsible over this cat. I fed it every day, kept its water bowl clean of leaves and bacteria. So long as both bowls were outside I didn't have to hear my father scoff at the cat. I couldn't even bring it inside when the weather was bad, so it practically had a nest under our very small porch. Technically you could call it a stray, but it stayed near our house and I would, as a stubby seven-year-old, like to think that it was its form of loyalty.
Couple of weeks went by and the cat got run over by a car that drove away. Seeing that—or rather the aftermath of it—and knowing what had happened and envisioning it in my head kind of felt exactly like what it felt like to see the manta I was holding onto blast into a million pieces. Knocked away from the blast as the tail dissipated in my fingers, I fell. I didn't scream at first; shock blocked my throat like a boulder. But it didn't take long to choke and soon my voice rang in my ears as I tumbled like a spinning deadweight.
Something slammed into my stomach—rather, I slammed into it, and my fall came to an abrupt end as did my scream. Whatever I hit left a massive imprint on my chest, and had I not been on Lyoko I'm sure I would've broken a few ribs. Limbs flailing, overcharged by a nervous system flooded with fear and adrenaline, I blindly felt the edges of what had caught me. Curling my fingers around it, I gasped, pulling myself up and feeling heat wash and leave my face with the realization I had been saved.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay...
Without saying a word, as silent as Aelita had been, Yumi followed the princess piloting the overbike to the exit. I righted myself on the edge of the overwing, managing to give a smug smile to the mantas as they pulled away from us at the last second.
“Jeremie?” Aelita finally spoke as we broke back out into the ice sector.
“Yeah?” he asked, forcing emotion out of his voice, as if hoping she'd do the same for him. But he didn't have such luck. Aelita couldn't even pretend to be normal in any way. That—the inability to hide herself—I wouldn't initially think so but it was strangely admirable. No, not strangely, very admirable. That she could just...Express it. Express it all.
“Devirtualize us.”
Two words, five thousand worries and disappointments wrapped up in anger and relief. There was a pause as both Yumi and I climbed off the overwing. Aelita stared at me, her chest swollen in emotion and pride despite her hard gaze.
“Devirtualize all of us.”
He did.
Yumi left immediately. Aelita quietly watched her go, and for the first time since I stepped on Lyoko I saw her shoulders relax with a smooth breath and she smiled at me. There was no worry or apprehension behind it; not anymore. We had won. Reaching out a hand, she placed it on my arm and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“Wait here. I'll come get you when we're ready.”
She turned towards the elevator, her strides once more soft and eased. I let out a sigh I didn't know could even be released and felt myself relax too. As the elevator doors closed I quietly sat down on the rim of the closed chute in the middle of the room. Letting my head hang, I pressed the tips of my fingers together, trying to control my breathing. Before long I pressed the flat edges of the back of my thumbs to my forehead and shut my eyes. I breathed. Tried to think of nothing. Any thought that threatened to crease my brow was immediately chased away in favor of focusing on the hum of the machines, the dissipating heat of the room, the dimming glow of the scanners that I could barely make out from behind my eyelids.
A long time passed. The edge of my ass was starting to get sore and my back needed to be stretched. I slipped down from the chute to the floor, stretching my legs out and straightening my back against the warm metal. I continued to breathe, relishing in the warmth against my spine. Mixed with the hum of the machines were the barely audible murmurs of the Lyoko Warriors. Quips from Odd, low blunt statements from Yumi, devil's advocate from Jeremie, and, of course, gentle arguments from Aelita. At least, that's how I imagined it. I couldn't make out the words even if I tried, and I focused very hard on not trying. Eavesdropping was a terrible habit I picked up from trying to taste the atmosphere of the house every time I came home. Really I was trying to kick it, but it was a hard habit to kick when it often meant life or death, good or bad.
Still, I heard nothing.
The elevator shook and rumbled, then descended. I kept my eyes closed, even as the door opened and Aelita stepped out. It wasn't until she was standing next to me that I opened them and looked up at her. She couldn't even hide her smile despite how serious the situation must have been.
“You ready?” she asked.
I regarded her a moment, then stood up, popping my back with a long satisfying stretch, “Ready as you want me to be.”
Her smile turned knowing and deep, “Then you were ready the moment you stepped onto campus, Reese.”
Aelita stood with the other warriors, her hands clasping each other to quell her excitement. Everyone was silent, staring at me. I didn't know what to discern from their eyes, but most of all they accepted this, accepted me standing there now. Whether it was resigned or true acceptance I didn't know, and you know what? I didn't care, because I was having a hard time figuring out if I was resigned or accepting myself.
“Reese...,” Jeremie finally began, straightening in his chair and resting his hands on the armrests, “It's hard to give you a personal apology. Not only because of our...past history, but also that in our line of—work, we'll call it—these sorts of things um...Far too easily happen.”
I tilted my chin a little. Jeremie stared at me as if he was expecting me to snap something, but when I said nothing he continued, “But, as I said, you had 72 hours, and despite this incident you have shown several...Traits. Decisions that you made.”
He sighed, uncomfortable with my silence but forcing himself to accept it, “You didn't fight us when we accused you of being XANA—you showed awareness of your situation, of what we thought of you, you knew that fighting would get you nowhere. You didn't brute force your way as if it was the only answer. When Odd was in trouble you dropped everything to save him. You went to Aelita, knowing that she knew the truth, you trusted her to protect you. As you should.”
Each sigh he used to give himself pause became heavier and heavier, yet there was a hard shell forming around him as he adjusted his glasses, brushed his wrist against his nose, and swallowed lumps in his throat.
“And, though I suppose it's fairly early to tell, you didn't...As far as I can tell, and Aelita assures me of this, you haven't rejected us for our actions.
“This is a fork in the road, Reese. Though the choice should be on us, it's now on you; You can stay with the Warriors, or you can go your separate way.”
“If you choose us, you have to understand; this heavily affects your grades, your social life, your everything. Everything is at stake, Lyoko has to come first more often than not.”
Jeremie leaned back in his chair, and after a while I realized he was waiting for an answer. Yes or no—stay with the Lyoko Warriors or go my own way. Aelita stared at me, patient but her eyebrows were still raised in anticipation. I had been going my own way for the past few months, and it had been a pretty—well, a smooth enough ride. It was nice to at least be in neutral graces with the teachers, though I got the impression none of them really trusted me. At least I didn't have multiple absences to draw attention to myself.
But at the same time, was I really going my own way? I had been present for every single fucking clone attack. I was dragged into Odd's attack, sure, and Yumi's had been an accident. But the Ulrich attack had been deliberate on my part, and XANA had used me as part of the Aelita attack. Aelita kept me updated on everything. I had never really left.
“What we're saying is,” Odd coughed, “I mean, with everything else, we're um, we're not the group we used to be. I know you know about the uh, guy before you. Fact of the matter is he was one of our best along with Yumi before Jeremie finally got off his rump and programmed Aelita some weapons,”
“Hey—,” Jeremie interrupted, but Odd ignored him.
“This isn't just some, some fork in the road. I'd be dead many times over if it wasn't for you. Yumi finally has a sparring partner to match her. Maybe it was begrudgingly accepting you before, but this is...this is us asking you Reese. This is us accepting you. I—We, we need you to be a warrior.”
We need you.
I looked at Aelita. Her eyes brightened, encouraging me forward, telling me that I definitely heard what I thought I heard. Yes. We need you.
I was needed. Needed. And it was said to my face with utter sincerity.
I didn't understand why hearing that had hit me so bad, hit me so deeply. I bit the inside of my lip, hoping it looked nothing more than just clenching my jaw from the outside.
“Whether you like it or not,” Yumi spoke up, her voice harsh and hard, arms crossed in front of her. Obviously it was also whether she liked it or not too, “You're a warrior now anyways. Once a warrior, always a warrior. That was one of the dangers we didn't want to face.”
“Yes...,” Jeremie agreed, “You are one of us now, even if—even if you try to run away.”
Fuck. Ouch. My fucking gut. It was twisting in on itself, eating away at its own pieces and gradually making its way up into my throat. My heart beat like it was five sizes smaller than it actually was, quick and irregular. It caused pain in my chest. Ulrich had ran away and they still considered him one of them. I guess that wasn't a surprise, but to be offered the same regards...Hell, to be offered the same regards while in the same breath they called it running away as if it was my fault—Aelita, Aelita for fuck's sake, help me, I can't deal with this right now!
I hadn't said a word, but it was like she had heard me anyways. Aelita's face, soft and warm, was pinched in concern as she spoke. Quietly, as if we were the only ones in the room, “These are their words, Reese. Their choices. I'm not making them say anything. And we're not trying to make you say anything either. Okay?”
Jeremie sighed, again, and leaned back in his chair, “If you need time I guess we have to give you time—,”
“No,” I finally blurted, “No. I...I don't need time.”
Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Where the fuck did that come from. Everyone was looking at me, waiting on baited breath for my answer whatever it would be. I scowled, inwardly realizing that it was a frantic gesture to keep my composure up.
“Fine. Whatever. I'll be a warrior if you want to call it that.”
Silence. Weirdly uplifting silence. Then the whole room took a breath. Odd stepped forward and offered his hand, palm down.
“It's gonna get dark. Scare the shit out of you. You're gonna be unhappy and it'll be some of the hardest stuff you'll have to do. But remember you can find good in it. You're here for a cause, y'know. Saving the world is pretty big shit you can't add up. Maybe that's super serious. But it's not all gloom and doom. We laugh. We congratulate each other. We're good to each other as much as we can be. Hold on to that. Keep your head high, 'cause if you don't I'll do it for you. Jokes are stupid, but we need them as much as we need each other. Don't let this get to you too hard. I'll force you to laugh, buddy.”
Yumi stepped forward and placed her hand on top of Odd's.
“More than buddies. As friends, as kindred, we will sacrifice ourselves for each other, put ourselves in danger for each other, for others outside of us. The cause is the greater good, the greater good is people. No one wants to lose anyone. Ever. Accept that our kinship may be the one thread holding us together at times, accept that maybe it's the only thing holding us together. Even if you're not going to be able to call us friend, you're here now. You'll wear this forever. We're family, away from our family. Years from now if XANA is defeated and we separate in different directions, we'll remember each other, because the bonds go that deep.”
Aelita placed her hand over Yumi's.
“Truth is a heavy burden. I know you know that. It's a burden you choose, sometimes. It's frustrating and enraging and terrifying. It makes you feel alone. But you're not. You're not alone, because we're a part of that truth. Secrets will happen—they have to happen, even between us. We're not so stupid as to ask that there will be no secrets between us. Maybe some day the outer world will know the truth as we know it. In the meantime, we still don't know everything there is to know. It's not a death march, but part of our faith is knowing that the answers will come. When they do, we'll all be standing together.”
Jeremie then stood up from the chair and walked forward, blocking the glowing light of the computer monitor between Yumi and Odd. His hand came last, clasping the others beneath his.
“This isn't for us. It's for the world. Selfishness comes and goes, but we trust in each other that we know what we're here for. XANA is incredibly powerful and only increases its power as time ticks away. We fight. We've always fought, and we'll continue to fight, because XANA is a risk we cannot take. Everything we love is here. And we want to continue onwards, to know that we've done our part for the world, to keep it from destruction. Maybe it's ambitious and foolish to say, maybe we were ambitious and foolish from the start. We are kids...,”
“...But we're kids with a purpose. There's only one thing we ask from you in turn. Hate us, fight with us, never speak to us outside of Lyoko, but above all, above everything else, in order to help the world, find and understand the truth, keep ourselves together and be able to at least enjoy our time fighting, we need one thing,”
“Loyalty.”
The hands of my former friends broke apart. Mine retreated as well. Once a warrior, always a warrior, and now I was a warrior again. Everyone made their own quiet way to the elevator, the monitor shutting down and dimming the room considerably. Aelita was in front of me, and even in the dark I could see her beam with pride and warmth as her arms wrapped around me and she pressed her perky nose into my chest.
“You don't know how this makes me feel,” she whispered into my chest, overwhelmed with emotion, “You don't know what this would mean.”
“Maybe it means nothing,” I stoically answered. She pulled away and gave me a look, appreciating that I was so stubborn to change.
“Maybe it means everything. Maybe it means both.”
“Oy, lovebirds!” Odd called from the elevator, “I know it's Valentine's Day and all, but we're gonna miss dinner if ya don't hurry up, and I got a date waiting!”
Aelita's smile widened as she gripped the sleeves of my jacket, then she jogged, pranced away to the elevator. I followed, trying not to take notice that the four of them parted the way for my broad shoulders.
Well.
Ulrich Stern, eat your own goddamn heart out.
“Y'know, good buddy, this honestly isn't as surreal as I thought it would be. It's kind of really exciting! Jesus, I don't feel like I have to dance around you—not that you ever asked where I disappeared to anyways—but it's kind of a relief to not have a roommate that doesn't know about all that stuff. Weird, huh! I thought I'd be a little more, I don't know, jittery!”
I gave Odd a wary glance from the side as we climbed up the stairs to the dormitories. He hadn't shut up since we entered the sewers. No, he had not. Shut his goddamn mouth. Once. Since we entered the sewers. I wished for him to just become some buzzing white noise, but inevitably I was so on edge from the inauguration that I couldn't tune him out like I normally could. Oh well.
“Whoa!” Odd suddenly exclaimed. I perked my head up, looking up the staircase.
“Hey there, champ! How'd it go with Milly?”
“U-Um. I. Um. I need to go.”
“That bad, Romeo?” Odd grinned, “Cheer up, kid, there'll be other girl—,”
I nudged him, shutting him up immediately. He looked to me for an explanation, but I simply stepped aside to let Hiroki clumsily pass us on the staircase.
“What, Reese, hating the melodious sound of my voice already or what?” Odd snipped, opening the door to our floor.
“Hated it since day one,” I supplied without missing a beat, “His collars were popped. And if you remember, he said his rose wilted.”
Odd paused, putting two and two together in his head. Then his face brightened to something that would rival the fucking sun. I scowled in disgust, and Odd skipped ahead, barely containing his beaming laughter.
“Yumi is gonna have a field day! Her little Don Juan of a brother, can you imagine?! At least she'll have time to blow off steam when we train you!”
Quick update from the break room of my second job. The only illustrations left for Chapter 17 are all digital and as such i can't take my work with me. Nevertheless I'm working ahead on Chapter 18's illustrations to attempt to make the gap smaller between updates. Should a Christmas miracle occur 17 will be up by Christmas but thats INCREDIBLE wishful thinking, there's a lot left to do!
Some of you may have noticed that updates are pretty much nonexistent here, even if it’s an update on simply how I’m doing. It’s true. I’m exhausted. Of course many of my messages like this say I’m exhausted, but you know. You truck on.
I recently picked up a second job and have been working pretty long shifts. Other things have demanded my attention too--visiting relatives, a girlfriend, current events, and so on. Streams have become difficult, and my presence wavers on here. I’m human, as are you.
I try to make a little progress on IWRY every day. It’s slow going, but it’s going.
I live in the United States and I was going to make this ~extra inspirational~ for my fellow US citizens considering recent events, but as it happens I have worked myself sick (again), and am drawing a blank. IWRY hasn’t stopped. I haven’t stopped. It’s okay. I’ll keep seeing you in the morning, or whenever you wanna drop by and read the story again.
Don’t stop. Keep creating. Keep going. Even if the going is slow, or almost nonexistent. It’s mileage you won’t have to do again in the morning. Each line, each word, each stitch, is one more than you had before. It’s one more spark of existence that wasn’t there before.
Thank you all for your continued support, and I’ll see you in the next chapter!
