conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 55 (masterpost here)
Jason: -like seven minutes out, but it's really quiet so i don't think it would be worth teaming for.
Dick: copy, i'm almost done over here anyway, then me and Robin are going back to the cave.
Tim: so. did Hood tell you guys that he's at war with all the middle-aged moms in his neighbourhood?
Jason: -oh don't get me started.
Dick, snickering: the 'middle-aged moms'? are you fighting a bunch of Karens from the home owners association?
Jason: oh i got banned from the hoa like, a year ago. which is really ironic because they like Red Hood. they just don't like me.
Damian: are these the women who insulted your skincare that you told me about? said you needed to moisturize more?
Jason, intently: -Damian let me tell you i fucking hate these women. i hate them.
Dick: what's even happening? since when do you have bad neighbours?
Jason: oh my- i didn't even do anything, they just hate me for no reason.
Tim: dude, you dislocated a kid's shoulder.
Damian: yeah be fair Red, that wasn't Hood's fault.
Tim, laughing: yeah but it's still funny.
Dick: wait wait wait- hold on now, hold on- somebody tell me the whole story, i need to hear this.
Damian: one of the spoilt brats in the building across from Hood's tried to break in to steal alcohol, and he dislocated his shoulder in one of the traps set up.
Jason: i fuckin- that kid was lucky. if he'd tried the other window he would have been shot with a dart to the face, so i don't wanna hear it. i came home from the library and the little twerp was sobbing on the floor of my bathroom as if he was the victim, and then i had to fix him up!
Dick: oof. ...to be fair you do have a lot of traps in your apartment Hood. like, more than i do.
Jason: -because the kid likes them! he likes trying to break through them when he comes round, it's our thing!
Damian: and that shit-stain of a preteen ruined the set up for me! i came by like an hour later and it hadn't been reset. waste of a B&E run.
Jason: yeah, because i was over the road getting yelled at by fucking Caroline, who apparently thinks her son has right of way in other people's private property.
Dick: *laugh* she got mad at you?
Jason: YEAH- she was like, 'i'll sue you for assaulting my son' and i'm fucking looking at her like, bring it the fuck on, bitch, i have access to Bruce Wayne's lawyers! lets see who wins! and then she- and then holy fuck D, you aren't gonna believe this but i swear to god she said this word for word,
Jason: she fucking goes- 'that Red Hood man does not spend his every spare second protecting our streets and their people just for people like you to move in and provide danger for our children.'
Jason: YEAH- YEAH EXACTLY, THAT'S WHAT I WAS LIKE-! guys you have no idea the self control i had to have to not go back later with the helmet on like 'yo i hear you messing with my boy Jason, the fuck is wrong with you?'
Tim: *louder cackling* PLEASE- please, Hood please do that,
Dick: so what happened after?!
Jason: ugh, this bitch starts lying to all the other moms in the neighbourhood about how i attacked her kid in the street and how he did nothing wrong and i was just an egotistical prick who didn't like when children played outside- mind you i have fucking security footage of what actually happened,
Dick: oh so you're- you're literally in an all out war with them?
Jason: SOME of them; there are a couple moms whose kids i've actually babysat and who know me and that, those ones aren't taking Caroline and her posse's shit, so now me and my girls are in a turf war with these other bitches-
Tim: i've seen- *cackle* Wing, you gotta start going around Crime Alley during the day more. i went to a pottery class with Hood last week over there and afterwards we ran into one of the woman that has beef with him; they are feral.
Jason: WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PUBLIC GROCERY STORE. I WAS TRYING TO BUY ONIONS. PEACEFULLY. and this bitch comes up to me throwing shade like 'oh you should really move out because we don't take aggressiveness lightly' and i'm like ME?!?!? IN THIS SITUATION, ME AGRESSIVE??
Dick, audibly amused: i mean you do carry guns around, that isn't exactly non-agressive,
Jason: BUT THAT'S WHAT DRIVES ME CRAZY, IS THAT THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE GUNS. THAT'S NOT WHAT BOTHERS THEM! fucking- half the women that want me gone are carrying, and they all love Red Hood, but this woman was talking to me like 'it's obvious from the build of your body that you want to be intimidating; nobody works out like that unless you want the power',
Dick: *blows raspberry, dissolving into a loud cackle*
Jason: and i'm fucking standing there; coupon book out, sunscreen across the bridge of my nose, Tim next to me in a Hawaiian shirt holding the bag of pottery mugs we just made and painted together, staring at these onion prices; and i'm just like 'ok well first of all me being this jacked was a non-consensual operation and i don't appreciate you bringing up past trauma, Cindy.',
Dick: HOLY FUCK- *louder cackling*
Jason: -and now Cindy's telling me that people as strong as me don't go through trauma like that and that i'm making fun of real victims by implying such a thing-
Jason: -AT WHICH POINT TIM DECIDES IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO WHIP OFF HIS GLASSES AND SAY 'you know you keep coming back to how built my brother is; if you want to suck his dick you can just say that',
Dick: *uncontrollable wheezes* T-HIM-,
Tim: I REGRET- *cackle* I REGRET NOTHING.
Jason: -and now this bitch is threatening to call the police for sexual harassment, to which some random other woman who wasn't even INVOLVED in the conversation butts in, and she goes 'you know i've been listening to this conversation for the past five minutes, and i gotta say lady, you don't seem like the kind of person anybody wants to sexually harass',
Jason: YEAH- YEAH. AND SO NOW I'M FUCKING STANDING THERE AS CINDY STARTS GETTING INTO A FIGHT WITH THIS RANDOM STRANGER, AND I'M JUST HOLDING MY FUCKING ONIONS, SIDE-EYEING TIM JUST 'so do you think we can leave?' BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THIS NO LONGER INVOLVES ME-,
Tim: -can i just say by the way? hands down, best day of my week.
Jason: yeah also i think Cindy's started an anti-me Facebook group. so.
Dick: ok but on a scale of 1 to 10 how funny would it be if we joined the group with the old official public Batman account?
Tim: -HAVE TO. WE HAVE TO.
Jaosn: EVERYBODY TO THE CAVE NOW.
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