.•❃•. lan xichen // memorystxrs :
frowning in return those harsh words, this is not how he planned to reunite with the other. why does he still look for him ? ah, maybe it wasn’t so strange that wei ying questions his affection for him. after all, they had been opposite from each other when it counted most. he should have prevented his death, should have… done something. things escalated so quickly, death piling up, and he had been unable to reach wei ying– only afterwards finding out about what happened to lady jiang, it certainly explained how things spiraled even more.
part of him knows, believes, that wei ying went too far. that he should’ve made different decisions, should’ve listened by not cultivating resentful energy. and why— when his own skills had been powerful enough, he had excelled many his age. it still didn’t make sense. not to him, not to wangji, even sect leader jiang couldn’t explain. even before he could answer the first words, the next were spoken. perhaps this time it was xichen who was stubborn, unwilling to accept that he’d been the only one developing feelings.
‘’ a-ying, ‘’ his voice pleading, speaking to the parts of the man that he believes still cares, and perhaps is even as fond of him as xichen is of him. ‘’ there’s no need to lie. we both know, i would not have went through with marrying you if i thought you couldn’t lead a happy life by my side. nor if you genuinely didn’t want to. ‘’ he had been lucky to have become so fond of a-ying, while love had not been part of the agreement. it had happened to them. no matter how much changed, he won’t believe otherwise.
‘‘ say it then. ’‘ his voice was firm, but not as distant and unwavering. it was pained. despite believing, or wanting to believe, that it was a lie.. his chest tightens painfully upon holding wei ying’s gaze. ‘‘ say you never loved me, and i will do as you say and let you go. ‘‘ he dislikes this, the distance between them, even the way he speaks his courtesy name so formally. so coldly. no matter how hard he tries, the thought ‘what if he isn’t lying?’ festers in his mind, clinging at his heart as if to suffocate him.
to say those words , to cause unbearable pain to the man who has showed him nothing but kindness would undoubtedly damn his soul for all eternity . && even that would not be enough punishment for ripping apart Xichen’s heart , ruining his life . . . over && over . tears glisten in stone - grey eyes , threatening to spill upon taut cheeks as the ultimatum given to him weighs heavy on weary shoulders . he lowers his gaze to the ground , unable to meet the other’s stare any longer as yet another step is taken away from him .
❛ don’t , ❜ his whole body trembles from the restraint he valiantly places upon his emotions , sealing away the heart that beats frantically in sync with his husband’s . ❛ don’t make me say it . ❜ many despicable acts he has done , blood - stained hands evidence of the guilt he can never wipe away . . . but not this . oh gods , please not this !
❛ I have caused you so much pain . . . so much misery . why can’t you let me go ? forget about me , Xichen . I have died a long time ago . let my memory rest . ❜ a desperate plea , hand clenching at his side where once an ebony flute had been his companion . Wuxian had been brought back for one reason only . . . revenge . the marks on his wrist burn vengefully . he cherishes each one : their presence a lifeline , a guarantee of each breath he takes . but they are also a reminder of borrowed time , of the purpose his is to fulfil .
❛ don’t make me hurt you over and over again . let me go , Chenchen . ❜
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