[rewindbuttongal-blog]

1/20/17

I’m going to make this blog a documental type as it was previously just a bunch of rants and updates. To start off this new purpose, I want to say this was my night. I saw Dizzy fae, Sophia Eris, and Lizzo in the flesh. It was so magical and very much needed to start my year on the right foot.

[refiningfire]

The Idea of Being Better:

[rewindbuttongal-blog]

9/27/16

Welp. 

Today, you lost another friend. But let me tell you, it was for the better. You can’t keep caring about someone who doesn’t care about you, let alone, themselves.

People come and go. I guess that’s a part of growing up.  

[night-rooms]

[rewindbuttongal-blog]

6/29/16

As i’m sitting in bed, a pound of yogurt pretzels currently being devoured as we speak, and yesterday’s events still processing- “I don’t know” is all that’s running through my head. 

I’ve built my future on the concept of a successful career, marriage, and family. But knowing what I know now, crushed me. Now, I know the other half of me doesn’t feel the same way and every conversation that led to a consensus was just agreed upon the behalf of my happiness. The agreeing and the “it’s up to you, babe” adhered to hopes and expectations that just recently died before my eyes. 

I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what’s going to happen, let alone what’s even happening. I don’t know if I can continue to believe and trust. 

I just don’t know anymore. 

(And the craziest part of it all is that this realization came to me while playing the Sims 4.)

[sheisrecovering]

[rewindbuttongal-blog]

5/21/16

I finished my last semester at a public university yesterday. It was very bittersweet as I’ll miss the large aesthetics and the thousands of unfamiliar/familiar faces. But what I won’t miss is the feeling of discouragement and hopelessness that came about this semester. I will not blame that overwhelming feeling completely for my mistakes.

For the first time ever, I failed a class. I failed a class because I felt unmotivated. I felt like there was no point in showing up, studying, giving it my all. And as I realize it was a filler class, it was still a class. A class full of learning. A class that is connected to my cumulative gpa. And because of my failing grade, my gpa dropped and my chances became slim.

I try to tell myself “it will be okay”, but I don’t know how to come to terms with it. I feel as though failing this class is somewhat symbolic to me failing in life. I know I shouldn’t justify this for anything or take it to heart, but this is the first and i’m not sure how to go about this.

This was the semester that I would finish strong causing a rise in my gpa. Because I couldn’t simply accomplish that, I feel as though my abilities have become limited.

I can always retake this class and repeal my failed grade with one I actually tried to achieve.

If only the bright side was as concerning as the dark, I would not be in such a dwelling state; a state of what could’ve and should’ve been.

I don’t know anymore.

[studypetals]

[rewindbuttongal-blog]

5/5/16

Overnight, you made a decision that would steer you into the right path. The feeling from discouragement and comparison has dispersed. It’s safe to say that after transcripts and financial aid are transferred, you will officially be one step closer to making dreams into reality.

See, things may not go as originally planned, but it’s best to keep and open mind/heart and go with the flow. You will get there. Trust me.

[rewindbuttongal-blog]

3/16/16

Dear you,

Wake the fuck up and face reality. This was not entirely my fault, neither was it yours. But at least have the decency to admit that effort was indeed lacking on your end. And it was not just recently, it was for the past 5 fucking years. Instead of investing all your energy on subtweets and indirect messages, why not look at it from my perspective or simply, communicate? I’ve been trying to understand what you are so wound up about, but i’m just not understanding anything other than it being pure narcissism. In the end, you were the one who was being greatly affected, not me.

I have a life to live. I take care of myself, better myself, prioritize myself. Additionally, I do fully care about those who belong to my consistent support group. They were the ones to build me up when I could not myself. But, you, on the other hand, were rarely apart of that. Why is it so difficult for you to understand simply that? If you weren’t for there for me, why the hell do you expect me to be there for you? Accept it; you only needed me when you had no one else. It was a constant cycle with you. You met someone, forgot about your friends, bailed every single hangout, but when that relationship was over, you’d come running back to us. That’s the thing, I fucking hated it. Never once had you have to experience that for yourself. Never. And you wonder why me and another are so close? It’s because we literally only had each other while you were missing all the fucking time. It was excuses after excuses with you, and i’m at wrong for getting sick and tired of it? Go figure.

I just don’t fucking get it. Why am I getting shit for what I put forth? I did more than you will ever do/did in all your relationships collectively, but you are just too damn blind-sided to see it. And you know what’s funny? If you realize that not everyone’s world will always revolve around you, you would still have meaningful and prosperous relationships.

The entirety of this situation made me realize what a disrespectful, self-centered being you are. It was not okay for you to indirectly include me into all of this, and it was definitely not okay for you to ignore any responses I may give. So, block me all you want. I honestly don’t give a fuck. I’ll be happy and successful without you. I have people who truly care about me and empower me as an individual. But just know that this isn’t changing a damn thing for me, not one bit. This was something that affected my life 5 years ago, yet you’ve made it out to just recently. Despite it being too late, I applaud you for that.

Au revoir and fuck you. Irish.

P.S. Unnecessarily victimizing yourself will get you nowhere.

P.S.P.S. Grow the fuck up.

[rewindbuttongal-blog]

This song holds such a sentimental value to myself. When I was younger, I’d have my grandma as well as my mom cradle a young wailing Irish in her arms and they would always be singing this song. Now that i’m older, i’m always taking the term “que sera, sera” into consideration. So to speak, this is my motto. Instead of crying it out due to overbuilt stress and anxiety, I learned to accept, learn, and move on. As I continue to forego my journey, i’ve come to the understanding that not everything will go as planned and that’s okay. Sometimes, there’s a reason to why a direction was not followed, and sometimes, there isn’t a reason at all. I’ve learned throughout the past year, that circumstances that i’ve been faced with should not be taken personally for me to give up. As there is always a way, I will always find my way.

[rewindbuttongal-blog]

(Rewinnnnnnnnnnd)

I really wanted to reminisce a bit on the passing year, so I shall.

Here are 10 little moments of 2015 (I was supposed to do 15 but I can only upload 10 photos):

1.) I got my nose pierced. Second piercing, but I hated how visible it was and the upkeep so I took it out for good after 3 weeks. I still miss my septum piercing.

2.) Jesse and I have officially been together for 2 years. Although, we didn’t do anything that day, the year spent with each other celebrates it. I love that man with all my heart.

3.) I went hiking on an 4 mile trek to potato chip rock. We were very unprepared and not even 10 mins in, I had discovered I had some sort of altitude sickness which was no bueno. Overall, i’m glad I pulled through despite the conditions and was supported by amazing people.

4.) After 3 years of the fair going on since Jesse and I started dating, we finally got to go together. My dream date has been achieved 4 times that summer.

5.) Ahhh, this was my biggest accomplishment by far. After going to school at 4 in the morning to make the commute by 7, all the caffeine intake, crying sessions in the bathroom, residents who loved me, and residents who did not and made sure I knew that; I passed the state board exam and am officially a Certified Nursing Assistant. This was the most stressful, but this experience allowed me to grow a tough skin. Just one step closer.

6.) I turned 19. There’s not much to say but another year of life. I’m thankful for everyone who always takes the time to spend it with me, whether they know it or not.

7.) Not even a day of being 19, I made the decision to cut my hair inspired by Alexa Chung. Honestly, that was the worst decision i’ve ever made. I couldn’t keep up with and sucked at maintaining it. Eventually, I had given up and still am hoping it grows back fast.

8.) I played bingo for the first time. I didn’t win anything, but it still was fun.

9.) I got a membership to the gym. I did aight for the first 3 months, but once midterms followed by finals came around, I lost it. On the bright side, I lost a good 10 pounds. But y'know, i’m still trying.

10.) Jesse and I went to Disneyland for the first time together for his pre-20th birthday. This was the most delightful day this entire year. I’ve never been so happy and excited throughout a 15 hour span. I miss it so bad.

There was still a lot that didn’t make it to the 10, but I’ll mention or update this some other time.

[rewindbuttongal-blog]

1.) Write more

My name is Irish and welcome, to my online journal/blog/diary/wtvs inclusive to 2016 and future years’ doings and various thoughts. I made it a new year’s resolution of mine to write more outside of academic papers. I used to do it a lot, but have been so out of touch in recent years.

So, this post is basically an introduction to this vaguely named reflective blog (username is from 2 am by Anna Nalick that I listened to religiously throughout the 5th grade lol). This was made for personal intents but anyone viewing is warmly welcomed and greatly appreciated.