it's funny how small things can instantly bring back a fleeting memory.
the other day I was sitting in math class, back near the windows, when I saw a white fluffy seed afloat, and it felt like whiplash. as i attempted to catch the seed, more and more came peacefully my way. it brought me back to a time of faith.
years ago, my brain that would relentlessly share fantasies had found itself conflicting reality with dreams. I'd walk on a sunny day, imagining myself walking with other people, doing other things, not being lonely. the trees would blow in the wind, the colours bold and vivacious, unlike anything id see inside my dingy, cramped apartment. A dandelion seed would approach me. In fact, it felt as though they were starting to follow me. Every path I'd cross, a dandelion seed would catch on to me. I had decided that this airy remark of nature was in fact god. of course, this was a notion that only an isolated 12-year-old girl could think of, but it felt real. It was a source of comfort to know that my god would be watching me. It was a sign that I could be hopeful. So, i'd catch them, to make sure god knew I saw him. The seeds would always escape, flying away.
Now, as i sit in my math class, im thinking of these seeds. At this point, there are 5 or 6 of them all on my clothes and in my hair- something that baffled me because I could never catch them as a girl, yet here they are. quickly, i guess in reflex, I would hold them and keep them close in my palm. a thin, soft white line with its own parachute. moving around the clutter on my desk, the rulers and the pencils, just so i could hold all of them. it was a symbol of the god i used to have hope in, but somehow I'm watching myself grab the seed at its root and clutch it, feeling the same way I used to- that feeling that good things are coming.
the next day, i'd sit in the front seat of my dad's car, driving back from school. he'd bought a regular pack of blackberries, rinsed them with sparkling water and tossed them to me. I was thinking about all the things i wished for, my mind still whispering alternative lives i could be living, chewing this blackberry. The sweetness cooled my tongue, and the daydreams kept the sweetness from bringing me back into reality. reaching for another blackberry in my lap, I felt a furry spot- a dandelion seed ended up in a pack of blackberries. it was perplexing, not the dandelions, but more so how it felt like an absurd message.
maybe they were telling me to get out of my own head, to pay attention to the real world. maybe they were trying to show that my reality wasn't so far off from what i yearned for- if I actually let things come to me and appreciated them. i know the innocent god that the child of me believed in is long gone, that seeds somehow being god is a beyond obtuse figment of my imagination, but I do figure that they flew to me for a reason. to learn to love what i have, to grab hold of it and make sure the people i love, the opportunities i want, know that i see them.
to any of my friends who read this, i want you to know that i love you, even if i struggle at times to get myself out of lala land (aka delusions). each of you is a dandelion seed to me, a beautiful thing that i wish to hold in my palm, even for a fleeting moment. and in this reality, i will always make sure that youre kept and youre loved.
