it started with salted caramel frappe

they bought me one, and I started sharing my life

[rianandthelittlestories]

Sad day but Green Tea helps.

There is a profound strength in admitting to ourselves that we can also be sad, tired, in pain, and in doubt. Feeling these emotions are normal, there is no one in this world who can force himself to be positive all the time. Sometimes, days are a bit overwhelming compared to other days. There will be days where we want to have a little chat, there will also be days where we feel alive and hopeful, but most of the days, we can slowly feel that sadness will find its way to enter the cracks of our brokenness. And the reason why sadness visits us in the most unusual time of our life to remind us that life and human are inexplicably a wonderful creature that can also experience change, just like the seasons. How autumn turns to summer, and how winter turns into spring. We are humans evolving and we are meant to feel every phases of life, may it be bad or good. So today, I didn't try to mask up my sadness, but instead, I sit with it and had a cup of green tea. It helps.

[rianandthelittlestories]

I used to believed that I need to chase the man I thought was good for me. I wanted to chase him so bad that I tried to push the people who has good intention and love for me.

When I met A, I didnt exactly love him the way I love my first crush. He is different and have great character when it comes to expressing his love. He sent me love letters, foods, gifts, and love when I was blindly sabotaging myself to be with someone who i unconcisouly know was not the best for me. That's why when I had A, i felt a bit of pain because I somehow never leave the zone of "what ifs" with my long time crush.

But as time passed by, I learned that I deserve love that is not force, but is given openly and lovingly. I deserve a love that is not painful. I deserve a love that stays. I deserve a love that makes me giddy. I deserve a love I refused to give myself for the past 9 years. I deserve A, and sometimes I felt that after all his efforts, it was I who don't deserve him. But I am always grateful, beyond happy and contented that after waiting me for almost 4 years, we are finally with each other.

Our souls have finally met, not in another universe. But in this timeline.

Thank you, A. I love you ❣️

This picture was take a while ago when he wanted to date me out after having a break from.his busy schedule. He always told me how he misses me and would go in my house even if he is already tired and working 24/7.

Now tell me again why I should let this man go when he exceeds the bare minimum. He is more expressive and clingy between the two of us. He constantly remind me that he likes me, he cooks me breakfast, he kisses me on the chin, forehead and nose. He ask my consent if he would lean in my chest. He respects my decision, he never yell, shout or left me hanging when he is mad. He greets me good morning, good afternoon and goodnight. He calls me "my love". He practice the whole love language when I'm with him.

I love this guy so much.

I hope you will also find a guy you deserve. Dont settle for less!

[rianandthelittlestories]

Rest is soothing

I spend my day playing with my little cousin named Yannis. She is so adorable I could squeeze her face in an instant. She can say a word and the rest are just blabbering. I taught her the word "babi" which is her new favorite word now, btw.

I was planning to take a jog but I preferred doing it with someone, but since I got no one I just workout using the 2 weeks shred of chole ting. She is a great coach but I swear her at her like 20 times in a row for having 5 second rest before doing the next exercise, like girl "can't you just chill it out?" But I feel great. When I feel good, I write.

I realized a lot of things and it involves centering my energy to what matters most, and that is my self. At the end of the day I only have myself and I should not be worrying on the things that are not happening yet. Just like when I became anxious about the work I have to do after graduation. It's hard not to think about it since I am on my 4h year now and the very best thing I should be thinking is what my career would look like after I got kick out in college after receiving my diploma.

Schools should be teaching kids how to become a progressive part of the community and stop giving them lesson that is not helpful to them. I think that at least somehow, college should be in a step up mode where in students are more on applying and doing their activities than just by telling them what to do in the forms of essay. Some of our essays go to waste once their office are full of paper works.

[rianandthelittlestories]

Nina is like a human Spongebob

After I spoke with my dear friend, she told me that the problem between my friend and his girlfriend is not mine to fix because I am not responsible for how they will work on with their relationship, it's theirs. After giving it some thought, I realized that she was right, I didn't do anything and I have to moved on from it. Its not even my problem in the first place.

I always seek for nina help because she is the kindest friend who would make you realize that you are worrying over simple things without invalidating your feelings. She is like a Spongebob in her cute shorts hahahah.

[rianandthelittlestories]

Love is a fucked up fairytale

It's been a while since I last wrote a dear diary here. So here's a scoop of how my past few weeks went.

My closest friend told me that my friend' girlfriend had a panic attack because I was around my friend. We were hanging out with our group and I don't understand why I need to be the reason for her anxiety. I'm not even doing anything with his boyfriend and I as just there sitting at the corner with my babi. I hate that I am the reason why someone has to feel that way but I know that the reason she acted that way is because I used to have a long time crush with his boyfriend before. But I've moved on like a gazillion years ago and I am in good place now since Aries is the ideal man I prayed for.

I thought that after hearing the issue, I'd get past it and move on as if I don't care. But it did bother me, I feel bad for making her overthink, and I also try to conceal the problems by

A. Avoiding my friend

B. Not giving a fuck because I didn't do anything.

This guy and I were close since elementary, but we stopped hanging around when he got friends and he became close to my girl bestfriend which I find cool. And the issue is i am in my "fixing my mental health" era when I found it out.

And when I spoke with Nina, she told me that it is not worth of exerting energy for because first of all it is out of my control, I am not responsible for all the bad things his girlfriend would feel. I am not responsible for the things she would feel when I am around with my friend. At some point, I feel responsible but after hearing Nina's advice I realized a lot. Why would I stopped going out with my friends when my intention to be with them is nothing but to have a good time.

I realized that I could not extend myself just because people don't find me amusing. I do not intend to be intimidating or anything. But I won't apologize for choosing my friends over an issue that is not supported by evidence. I am only responsible on how I should react and how I would respond to the problem. Right now I understand that it is an issue that is not worth spending my energy with. I've been doing my very best to keep my mental health in check and I will not allow other people to destroy it. I will only attract good energies and if she still got problems with me, then it is for her to fix. Not mine.

[rianandthelittlestories]

I never realized I was far and near enough

I used to be a kid who loves to ask God for money. I mean I literally would ask him to send me money from every prayers I did in church, because I thought than when I prayed really hard. He would give me a million in an instant. Like theres a cash from heaven ready to be sent in my house.

When I was growing I literally didnt have a luxurious life. I belong in the middle class family which means my parents can provide for my daily needs and I don't worry on money too much. I just know I like it but I don't pay attention if we will have another food to eat on our table because my father earns pretty well as chef.

When my family had a conflict, I was forced to fin ways on how I can help my mom since my dad left and he stopped sustaining our needs. I remember that I could spend 10 hours a day looking for a job online just to make sure I survive another day. Fortunately, my eldest sister has her own job and she supported us with financial needs. I am thankful for that.

And when the pandemic happend, my friend and I made a group of commissioners who accept school activities in exchange for money. That's the start of my earning journey. I slowly gather clients and I can earn little by little. I was amazed with the amount I could get from doing school works.

Earlier, during my meeting with am acquaintance, heentioned that he bought a laptop in cash. He's only 20 years old which amuses me. He was very happy with his earning from crypto and I'm learning the basics of it. And then it hit me, that maybe I dont give myself enough recognition because I was focus on what's lacking. I didnt even realized that I did so much and I far from my previous situation now.

When my laptop broke, I was the one who paid for it for 9k,all from my hard earned mony.

When my mom said she wanted water heater, I bought a cheap but realiable one.

When I need a phone because my old one got lost, I bought one for a cheap but smooth system.

When I need to go to Legazpi for a competition I need to attend, I supported myself completely without my mom worrying if I am eating 24/7

When the electricity bill was cut short, I offered to pay what cannot be covered.

When my older sister need an allowance, I send her without a single thought, more than the allowance we get before just tk ensure she won't lose money.

When my mom wanted somthing to eat I pay it w/o worrying about the price.

I can buy my friends gift.

I realized that I did more than I am asked, I did it without the help of my dad. I did all of it because I took the problem as a chance to gain something. I am proud of myself, an even though I am still far from my dreams, I know im getting nearer. Slowly but surely, I will get there. Me and my family will live the best and awsomest life in the next year to come. To all the hussler in the families out there, lets keep winning! See you in the millionaire/billionaire club! 💲✨💚

[rianandthelittlestories]

Father's Wound

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed and I try to distance myself from the people I care in my life. Whenever I get to trigger the past of me that hurts the most, I cannot convince myself to be on my best mood. I think it all links back to my father's traumatizing fault. Why did it have to be me and my sisters? I hate it a lot.

I still don't know how to open up with people. I cover my pain with humor and my defense mechanism is isolation. I hope I can help my inner child with these kind of problem, to assure her that things don't have to be like that anymore. I am now in control and I am now beside her. If she has to go through that again, im here to protect her. I hate that she is in pain.

[rianandthelittlestories]

Allow Yourself to get Photographed 📸

Today, I was reminded that I shouldn't sayo no when being photgraphed with friends, family or lover. I usually care about the way I look and I see an awful and unpleasing face when I have my pictures taken when I am not in the mood or not ready. But, as I try to connect with myself, I realized that my pictures would be bad as I think it could be but the moment I had during those times are not meant to make me feel pretty in the eyes of other. I was looking that way because that moment supposed to bring out the best version of I barely explore because of what other might think.

So allow ypurself to be photographed in parties even when you look shit, scary, or funny. You never k ow when will be the last time people will see you or when you can have that time with them again. People can move on with your funny face, but they won't get over the time they had with you.

Allow yourself to get photographed! 📸

[rianandthelittlestories]

Goodnight

Seems like this is my new diary now, huh?

Goodnight! I'll feel better tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day to overanalyze situation that will lead me straight to the doors of dooms day. I should take it easy, I still have more days to destroy my happy thoughts.

Ugh!!! Why do I speak this way to myself.

Lol. As if I have alter ego, this is what you get when you no ome to talk to!

[rianandthelittlestories]

Feminine Urge

The femining urge to tell what's bothering me to my friends but they are busy with their own academics and I don't want add to their problems so I just kinda sit around the house and stare at wall of an hour or two, but also not wanting to feel mad towards them at the same time because they have a life to live and I should be the least of their problems right now 👍

[rianandthelittlestories]

Good Grief

Sometimes, big emotions get the best of me and I don't know how to process my feelings. When I feel bad, I get series of memories that triggers me. I haven't attended any theraphy session and I feel lile the more i supress it, the more it will grow bigger that I will use as an excuse why I behave they way i do when I'm mad. I dont want to emdure it all by myself, i really wanted someone to talk to. It's eating me up.

I know my triggers, but when i'm mad I say mans things or exclude myself. I can't help it.

[rianandthelittlestories]

Taylor, step on me.

OH MY GOSH! Taylor swift is fuc*ing gorgeous! I've been seeing her pictures all over twitter. Congrats to our heart break healer guru for graduating with doctorate degree in fine arts! WE LOVE YOU!

[rianandthelittlestories]

Okay, time to be serious

I had a workout just 5 minutes ago. I am sweaty right now but it puts me to good mood. Aight, so you do remember that I said doomscrolling is over, right? Well, I still react over political news. But not the same way I reacted before. I'm better now and I stop attacking people who really test my patience. I'm getting better. I never thought that politics would literally fucked up my mental health. But it's okay. I stood behind a women who almost made Philippines great again. But enough about that.

I feel bad these past few days because my friends are busy with their academics and I've been telling them to come over in our house so we could catch up. Unfortunately, they can't because they are busy with their own stuff and schedules. I don't hold that against them. I mean, I can wait but the submission and requirements cannot. Anyways, I just feel bad that I feel like sulking.

I've been in our house for almost a week and my mom and sisters are always out or minding their own business. But, I shrugged that thought out. My friends are allowed to refuse my invitation whenever they want. They are not obliged to do things for me just because I forced them to. I just need a break or two to process my emotions towards them. I need to distance for a while till I figure out what is causing these emotions.

Right now, I started working out agian. It really helps me regulate my mood, and i'm practicing how to lessen my screen time for entertainment. I really don't finish anything when I am busy playing with my phone. Maybe I can enjoy most of time in my cellphone when the semester is over.

I really wanna get fit, and when I say fit. The kind of fit that I have a n hour glass shape body. I can do that. I did it once I can do it again. I just need to be dedicated with my workout and focus on healthy meals. I should encourage my mom to do the same. She's kinda grumpy at me all the time. I bet it's because she don't engaged in physical activities that can improve her mood. I'll just make her healthy foods instead since she's eating a lot of of junk food as if she just went from break-up. Lol, mom. I'm telling you, mom. Find a guy who's old, rich and dying.

[rianandthelittlestories]

Doomscrolling is over

The election in the Philippines have brought up various tensions and disheartening news. I've been following news update about the presidential race since May 9, and its been over a week since the best candidate for the President lose.

I tainted my mental health awfully. I got anxious and ready to smack anyone in the face for choosing a tax evader candidate, not to mention that they let a dictator's son won. Ghad, I hate people who never learn from their past. But POLITICS IS OVER FOR ME!

I noticed that I am starting to develop a bad routine. I don't want that, I need to fix my life. I've been engaging in political posts and it's affecting me in a negative way. Right now, to this day. I'll chose myself over everything. I will get back on track, meditate, cleanse and be physically active. I've been stiff around the house and it's becoming worrisome. I finally declared that doomscrolling is over.

I will work on myself now.

[rianandthelittlestories]

Politics? Psh, no.

Okay, so my mom wanted me to run for the SK election in our community. It's like a little government run by youths. Of course, I'd love to try it. But the fact is that I have less experience and knowledge about writing letters and implementing policies. I would definitely not put my community at risk for my lack of experience. I just heard that the son of our Vice Mayor would be running for the position. I see it as a political dynasty. Those are exactly the same people who left our community in great debt, and now they want to redeem their power. Just like the Marcoses, ey?

I suggest that if helping the people is not on your priority list when running for any government position. Just shove your head in the toilet bowls. I hate it when people vote for candidates who are famous and influential. Let's see what you've got without your family names and political dynasty background. I just had a premonition that once this "son" was elected, they would run our community in their hands. It's revolting. I should really go for a law degree after I graduate.

That's what every candidate should do! If you are only going after the position because you want to, Try harder, sissy, because that reason won't keep the community progressive. I really hate political dynasties. Why can't we have a revised electoral reform that would not allow people to have 2 relatives working in government positions?

[rianandthelittlestories]

Vienna waits for you ✨

[rianandthelittlestories]

Confession of a tired ladybug 🐞

First of all, this picture isn't mine, I took if from Pinterest.

Before you read this, let me tell you that this little dump diary of mine will either make you say "I can relate" or actually make you say "nah" and bore you to death. But either way, I don't really mind. It's better than me having to keep these stories to myself.

Aight, so the stories goes like this. I am a student who usually faces the computer almost 12 hours a day because our class during this pandemic became so much demanding. I really don't mind the activities because I curse the shit out of it halfway finishing the paper. Everyday, my routine goes like this I woke up > I eat breakfast > I clean the dishes > i open my laptop to finish the pile of requirement I need to submit before the deadline ends. WHICH MEANS, that school consumed most of my time. I drink 3 cups of coffee some day. I cannot eat properly due to the extensive effort I need to do to finish 1 paper, not to mention that I still have to read 9 pages module to answer 1 question. School life really gets tiring in 2nd semester. But I have a goal to achieve, I still aiming to graduate with flying colors 🏳️‍🌈. Cutting the story short, I am drained physically and mentally, but I don't have time complaining, all that there is are the submissions I need to pass.

My mom think that me facing my laptop and cellphone all day long means that I am staying away from my responsibility at home. I don't. I just don't have time. My sister's word of the day when I forgot to put my glass on the sink are "you always have no time", "if you can't finish it, don't start*. I mean really? Could i use a break or two? I DO HAVE TIME! for requirements. YES, I ALWAYS FORGOT WHAT I NEED TO DO BECAUSE MY MIND IS OCCUPIED WITH SCHOOL WORKS.

Wow. I thought this will only be a funny letter and a diary my friends would eventually see when they search my name on google. But this is an open letter to all the parents out there. We understand that home chores are necessary because you all grew up in a clean household and you want us to do the same. We are not avoiding our responsibility. We only have 24 hours a day, the other half are spent on school already. We don't like sticking with school requirements, but we need to. You hear us complain a lot about school works because it is really becoming a burden that is hard to carry. When you don't have a strong mental health, everything can fall eventually. It's hard to be motivated in times of pandemic, please don't become the reason why our days becomes harder. A little understanding is all that it takes. It's easy to speak from your perspective because you don't experience it. WE TRY TO HELP WHEN WE HAVE TIME. you know that.

We always make time for you, but understand that we also have a responsibility at school. Especially for students who are working really hard to graduate with honor and awards.

Tone it down mom and sisters, i'm feeling like a tired ladybug.