Ah, to have a regular D&D game. That would be worth fighting for.
I'd rather be in outer space šø

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@rollforcoffee
Ah, to have a regular D&D game. That would be worth fighting for.
I need everyone to know that the party rogue and the party bard have gotten everyone out of THREE SEPARATE SITUATIONS by dissolving into tears and asking the bad guys why they're being so mean. They start crying on command in tandem, and their joint charisma bonuses are so fucking high that it never fails.
& I need everyone to know that the bard is putting on a performance but the rogue is very much not
a hypothetical d&d party
The bard is mute.
Itās not the first thing people notice about her, usually.Ā The first thing is generally that sheās young, and female, and lovelyāthe first thing people notice about their entire party is that theyāre all young, and female, and lovely, and thatās gotten more than one would-be thief or mugger in far over their head when they havenāt noticed the the paladinās hammer or the rangerās axe.Ā It comes up rather quickly though, often enough.Ā Whoever heard of a bard who canāt sing?
She plays a lute, mostly, or a lap-harp made of shell and sinew, string instruments she can pluck while she smiles in secret and watches everyone around her.Ā She dances quick, except when sheās tired, when sheās scared, when she forgets to remember the feet at the ends of her legs.
She doesnāt tell her story to strangers, but enough of the other girls have learned to sign by now, and itās easy enough to sketch out the outlines of the old bargain: the voice, the prince, the witch, the thousand shards of glass she walked upon on her way up the beach, the look in her sea-green eyes when they travel too near water.Ā The thousand shards of glass she walked upon when she left the palace, and turned back towards the sea to throw herself upon the rocks, and then made her way up the road inland, and kept walking.
.
The warlock is beautiful and mild and self-effacing and shy, is tidy and generous and charming.Ā Sheās small with herself in exactly the right way to shout abuseĀ to the half of her party who knows how to recognize that same look in the mirror in the morning.Ā The bird on her shoulder is too small, too bright, too sweet for a real warlockās familiar.Ā The knife at her belt is sharp enough for anything that needs doing, though, cooking or otherwise.
Her fae patron visits sometimes, in the quiet hours between dusk and midnight, a sweetly old godmother made of moonlight and shadow.Ā Sheās kind to the whole lot of them in her own chaotic way, free-handed with transmutations and illusions that break halfway through the evening, for better or worse.Ā She once spent three hours around their campfire drinking brandy and gossipping outrageously about the Feywild and teasing the wizard into fits of laughter.
Sheās never told the story of how she met the warlockās mother, or what debt was owed there, and the warlock doesnāt know herself.Ā It was never meant to be a debt paid in power and violence and the deft will-sapping enchantments the warlock weaves now, but, well.Ā The prince wasnāt meant to be cruel, the warlock says.Ā The palace was meant to be warmer than the fireplace cinders in her stepmotherās house.Ā The faerie was meant to be saving her from her lot, not throwing her into something worse.Ā The powerās an apology of sorts.
.
The wizard is awkward and joyful and nervous.Ā She has no fear of heights or small places, which just stands to be expected, she says, after all those years in that little tower, and sheās got no skill at lying or even edging around the truth at all, which is why she isnāt in the tower any more in the first place.Ā She says too much or too little or the wrong thing entirely, always, but the most well-socialized member of the whole party is the ranger who walks around with a dire wolf at her hip, or maybe their mute bard, so who are any of them to judge.
There was nothing to do in that tower but read, and brush her hair, and sort through the witchās endless stockpile of dried herbs and potions ingredients, and watch out the window as woodcutters and hunters and princes rode by, and dream.Ā The reading was more interesting than the dreaming, most of the time, and the witch didnāt mind it as much when she talked about it.Ā She never bothered to actually useĀ any of the magic in the witchās books until the thing with the prince and the haircut and the desert, which sheās told them all about in all the detail they could ever ask for, but most of the girls get uncomfortable when she starts talking about princes.Ā Itās a little easier if she just starts rambling about conjuration and abjuration and illusion theory, about the 400-year-old history of a city that doesnāt exist any more, about the proper grammatical structure of Celestial, until maybe one of the quiet ones finally answers back.
Her hair is too short.Ā She keeps an illusion up over it whenever she can, while it grows back slowly, tickling the side of her face and the back of her neck and leaving her head too light and unbalanced.Ā Ā
.
The ranger doesnāt care about princes, which makes one of them at least.Ā Then again, the ranger doesnāt trust anyone, really, prince or no, not wolves or monsters or the men who kill them.Ā She more or less trusts the rest of them by now, mostly, when the wind blows in the right direction.
She wears bright red in the middle of the woods and it shouldnāt help her slip into the shadows half as easily as it does, but most beasts canāt see color and redās just another shade of gray if the lightās low enough.Ā She never uses her axe against trees.Ā She doesnāt need to.Ā She can find a path through any brush without it.Ā She picks flowers when she finds them, and tucks them into the other girlsā hair.
Her wolfās mother killed the man who taught her to use the axe, and the man who taught her to use the axe killed that wolfās mate before that, and the mate had an old womanās blood on his teeth when it happened.Ā The rangerās blade found the wolfās motherās throat.Ā The rangerās mother sent her out into the woods in the first place.Ā Itās not as though anywhere is really safe, cottage or forest, axe or teeth.Ā One of these days maybe her wolf will turn and go for her in return, and maybe one of these days her axe will be faster and maybe it wonāt.Ā In the mean time, thereās flowers and berries and pastries and enough game to keep everyone sated, for a little while.
.
The paladinās hair is raven black and her skin is chalky as a corpse.Ā Sheās not undead, mostly.Ā The undead are her job.Ā She knows that much.
She was sweet, once (they were all sweet, once) but apples are bitter now and so is she, and thereās judgment to lay out in the world.Ā Her grip on her warhammerās all wrongāshe holds it like a mining hammer, but it hits as hard as it needs to.Ā Her armorās all dwarven make, and her shieldās black and red and white like snow.
She was sweet once, and frightened, and when she says it quietly around the campfire in the night when none of them can quite make out the glimmer of understanding on each othersā faces, everyone still nods.Ā She took a bite of poison and somebody left her a full year in a glass coffin of Gentle Repose, dangling on the edge of the Raven Queenās domain while all the other newly-arrived dead passed by and faded away.Ā She woke up to somebodyās lips and hands and skin on her lips and her hands and her skin.Ā She doesnāt like princes.Ā She doesnāt like necromancers.
She likes sunlight, and summer, and colors that arenāt black and white and red.Ā She likes the way the bard grins when she whirls into a dance, and the look in the warlockās eye when she sets her feet to say no, and the wizardās laughter on high with a Fly spell, and the rangerās gentle fingers braiding flowers into everything she can touch.Ā Ā
Through the many days and nights the party wanders, they were yet to meet another. After having bumped into each other on a chance encounter, they never expected someone else to join their group.
That was until one night, after the fire had came down from roaring to whispering, a rider came through their camp. Narrowly missing the sleeping adventurers, and the one unfortunate enough to have the watch when the intruder blazed through - the bard - was too stunned to wake anyone.Ā The horse, surprised by the camp, skids to a stop and a barbarian hops off.
This barbarian, flaming red hair, and a thick brogue rattles off questions with a bow and arrow notched. That was until she saw the looks of confusion on the peopleās faces around her. Putting away the bow and arrow, she introduced herself.
She was on the hunt, a town was attacked by a bear and she was fierce, and brave, and she knew that she was helping that village then move on to the next; she has no aim to settle down. A little too loud, never wanted to stay prim and proper, wanted to roam. So she did, doing the small to gargantuan tasks, being something she wanted to be, not what her mother wanted to be.
Todayās dice: the most stunningly beautiful set of forbidden candy. They look like sugar, itās amazing.
I put different colors of gelled resin in the molds and they looked SO TERRIBLE before they cured I was sure they were going to be a bubbly mess. AND YET: glorious. This is why I love dicemaking so much: itās arcane science + wizardry. How will this experiment turn out? NOBODY KNOWS
Dragon: āHALT TRAVELER! THIS BRIDGE IS UNDER MY CONTROL! PAY THE TOLL OR CROSS THIS RIVER ELSEWHERE!ā
Knight: āNay foul beast! These are the lands of men! I shall pay no such toll, and whatās more I shall slay you rid this land of your tyranny!ā
Dragon: āTYRANNY!? FOOLISH MAN! THIS BRIDGE IS OVER A HUNDRED YEARS OLD AND IN DIRE NEED OF REPAIRS! THE STONES ARE ERODING AND THERE ARE TERMITES IN THE WOOD!ā
Knight: ā⦠what?ā
Dragon: āI GIVE THIS BRIDGE ANOTHER FIVE YEARS BEFORE IT COLLAPSES! IāD RATHER AVOID THAT AND PREVENT SOME POOR HUMAN FROM GETTING HURT!
Knight: āā¦ā
Dragon: āTHE TOLL IS TEN GOLD PIECES.ā
Knight: ā⦠Okay.ā
Dragon: āALSO, DOWN THE ROAD, A FRIEND OF MINE IS RAISING FUNDS TO FIX A FARMERāS ROOF! IF YOU COULD ASSIST THEM AS WELL WEāD BE VERY GRATEFUL!ā
THIS FUCKING THING GOT OVER 250 NOTES IN LESS THAN A DAY WHAT THE HELL.
Tumblr appreciates a good fable about the importance of tax revenue to provide civil services and maintain infrastructure.
i found a site called heroforge and it lets you make little dnd miniatures, and ive spent all day just making little guys
ive made a mistake
yo i love heroforge! it's the only visual medium i consider myself an artist in:
lovecraft models are the modern art of heroforge
okay holy fuck man
not only is heroforge powerful i am also very powerful
Who wants to hear about a fucked up thing a lvl 5 Tiefling with 2 lvls in Warlock and high Charisma can do?
That's right, you do!
Do you want a low-ish-level villain for your fresh-off-the-press party? Are you looking for someone dreadfully evil, but not "Kill puppies for a fur coat" evil? Do you want a villain who's just like that? Then look no further!
A 5th lvl Tiefling with high charisma (let's be honest if you're maining a CHA caster then this will be your highest anyway) and at least 2 levels in warlock can cast darkness once per day for up to 10 minutes via concentration in a sphere 30ft in diameter (15ft radius) without burning a spell slot. Then give them "devil's sight" as one of their eldritch invocations to see through this darkness.
You can also give them the eldritch blast cantrip, which does 2 separate bolts of 1d10 damage (average 5 points per blast) with a range of 120ft at lvl 5.
Now, the average commoner has 4 hit points.
:3c
The average commoner can not see through magical darkness.
:3c
Medium creatures occupy a 5x5-foot area at any given moment, and a 30ft diameter would give you slightly more than 705 square feet of surface area for darkness to do its thing. 705/5 is 141 potential commoners in your area of darkness. For simplicity, I'll round down to 140 commoners.
Do you see where I'm going with this? Because the commoners certainly don't.
:3c.
Now, you don't want this caster to take damage lest it breaks their concentration on darkness, so you'd arguably put them somewhere safer, but within range (in this case, it's 60ft) of a potential object to cast the spell on.
That's approximately 75ft (60 initial feet plus 15 added by the radius of darkness) max of the 120ft of eldritch blast you have.
Tieflings get +2 to their charisma score as a racial bonus. At lvl 4, you can put another 2 points into their charisma. If it wasn't 20 (+5) when you started, it sure as hell should be now.
1 action takes 6 seconds. That's right, newbies! D&D runs on vine time. If your warlock is alone, and uninterrupted, they could cast eldritch blast a grand total of 100 times, with 2 bolts every single time, due to the fact that it requires no concentration.
With their spell attack mod, which should be 8 now (+3 proficiency bonus and +5 CHA modifier) and excluding Nat 20s and Nat 1s, you'll hit your target 95% of the time, which is a grand total of one hundred ninety blasts out of two hundred (lvl 5 cantrip, remember?), and 70% of the time it will one-shot them.
Theoretically, you could annihilate a small town within ten minutes, making their last moments ones of fear and darkness and pain just by existing as a lvl 5 Tiefling with eldritch blast, devil's sight, and a personal beef with unknowing commoners.
At this point, Tiefling Warlocks probably count as an invasive species.
Our bard SHREDDED a lute version of Careless Whisper to help our mostly feral warlock seduce someone. Midway thru they put their lute down, screamed āCHEERS TO THE BARTENDERā, downed a pint glass full of wild magic, went silent for a moment and then turned into a lovely potted fern for 6 minutes, became human again while being held onstage, picked their lute back up, rolled a nat 20 (+6 or +7), and played an EVEN BETTER rendition of careless whisper. Our warlock had the night of her life.
i literally dont even know how to respond to this. this is so fucking funny
Iād like to get into making Bundt cakes. Every time I see a charming Bundt cake pan with weird shapes and scallops and indententions I am overcome with a sense that I could be the sort of person who makes fanciful Bundt cakes all the time and gives them to my friends.
Look at this one. It looks like several dozen Cardassians headbutted it. Thatās the vibe I want to channel with my baking.
Forget baking, just fill it with Clear Lemon Pie filling
Then to add visual interest embed some of those little gummy brains or Sweet Tart bones throughout, who wouldnāt love that?
I looked it up and apparently the filling is actually just unflavored gelatin + sugar + lemon juice, if anybody wants some transparent semisolid food
Since the Soda Cake post is getting me a bunch of new followers, I want to remind everybody of another simple but cool holiday treat: Transparent Lemon Pie
Omg, I need to make a D&D gelatinous cube cake with with candy skeletons.
Your party can eat it after they've defeated it!! :o
if you definitely 100% own all of the dnd 5E content after spending hundreds of dollars on it whether physically or digitally (or both!) u should use this site here as a quick n easy reference point for the content you definitely already legally own because youāre a law abiding citizen who has paid hundreds of dollars for a shittonne of books.
may I also add that if you accidentally misplaced your D&D books that you absolutely, definitely bought, you can find pdfs of them all here
and not just 5e, and not just D&D
and not just books, a few days ago I found an issue of a magazine that was published when I was two years old
but you know, very few people actually need this site probably because we all paid a hundreds of dollars for a shittonne of books.
Size comparison of Yāgathok, the Ceaseless Hunger and Bjorn, our level 20 Goliath Barbarian.
Hey quick question: why the FUCK do you have that
Imagine, from out of nowhere, your dm casually slapping this thing down on the table like any other encounter.
āYeah, the fight will start in a sec, uhā¦Iāll give inspiration to whomever helps me get this fucking box out of my car.ā
https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/7asxci/oc_ygathok_the_ceaseless_hunger_final_boss_of_our/ This is the reveal of this ridiculousness during their game
Please watch this reveal video itās kickass
FUCK MEĀ the reveal video
āCHRIS??????ā
āUm, I donāt think our plan is gonna work.ā
Always reblog Y'gathok
DM:*Pulls out Yāgothok* *Turns on āOpen Your Heartā by Crush 40*
Wow that DM really goes above and beyond
Reblogging Ygathok because itās been one year since we fought him!!!! It just popped up on my timeline today!
Happy one year anniversary, our precious Old God boi!!!
One year ago today, this boy was revealed.
And for you guys, I have great news: I have the stats of Yāgathok complete and a general design forĀ āhow to use himā done. However, an adventure guide is incoming to teach you how to integrate him into any of your worlds!
iām gonna need a bigger bus.
I don't take 2X bonus damage from fire-type elemental weapons, I'm not that kind of girl
Poifect
i canāt believe i can just⦠say anything. like for some reason this is allowed. why.Ā
Just because one of your chicken eggs hatched a fire breathing dragon people think youāre evil. But youāre still just a regular farmer trying to make a living while dealing with an overprotective dragon, heroes that want to kill you and fanatics who want to worship you as the new Demon Lord.
The thing you need to know about all of this, the thing that got me into all this trouble in the first place, is that chickens will sit on anything when they get broody enough. Anything. Duck eggs, goose eggs, turkey eggs, lizard eggs, egg shaped rocks, anything. Chickens arenāt smart. If it looks vaguely like an egg, theyāll plant their feathery arses on it and wait.
I noticed that there was a bigger egg under one of the broody chickens, when I checked. Of course I noticed, it was twice the size of the others. But I have geese. I figured it was a goose egg sheād found and stolen. It was about the right size, and I didnāt take it out to check the colour because that particular chicken gets very protective of her eggs. Iāve already got a scar on one hand from trying to get eggs away from her. I didnāt want a matched set.
That was a decision I regretted the moment I went out to feed the chickens and found a little blue-and-silver dragonetās head poking out from under a very confused-looking chicken. The poor thing kept shifting around and looking under herself in a bewildered way, like she didnāt know what to do next. This particular chicken is a good mother, and sheās raised clutches of ducks and geese without any trouble ā sheās even resigned to some of her children swimming ā but this was too much. She didnāt object when I carefully reached in and fished out the little dragon.
It was so tiny, then. It fitted in my hand, with its little head peeking out one side and its tail looping around my wrist. Cute, too, with its big eyes and little snout turned up towards me.
That was when I made my second mistake. I decided to feed it before releasing it. Dragons are innately wild creatures, everyone knows that. They canāt be tamed. People have tried. The eggs are abandoned as soon as they are laid, and the dragonets hatch able to hunt, so they donāt even bond with their mothers. So just feeding it a little shouldnāt have been a big deal. It should have gobbled the meat and fled as soon as I loosened my grip on it and it saw the open sky.
It didnāt. As soon as Iād fed it, it fluttered up to a sunny window ledge and went to sleep. I went about my work, figuring that itād leave in its own time.
By noon, it was sitting on my boot, squeaking pathetically. I wondered if maybe it was confused by the farmyard ā they usually hatch in mountains, if the stories are right ā so I took it back to the farmhouse with me and fed it again when I ate, then took some time away from the fences I should have been mending to walk it up to the hills. I found it some nice rocks, with plenty of lizards and beetles and suitable prey for something that size. It pounced on a beetle almost as soon as I put it down, and when I left it was crunching happily.
I hadnāt walked a quarter of the way back before something hit the back of my boot. The little dragon was holding on with all four claws, and when I looked down it squeaked pathetically. If possible, its eyes got even rounder.
Listen, you donāt make it as a farmer if you just let orphaned baby animals die. We hand-raise calves and lambs and ponies, set chickens to sit on abandoned eggs, or put them under the kitchen stove or by a fireplace. You donāt make a success of farming if you donāt value every animal. A good shepherd will spend all night looking for one lost sheep. So despite what was said later, it wasnāt just sentiment that made me sigh and pick up the little thing and carry it back to the farm. Ā I am a good farmer. I donāt let orphaned babies die just because theyāre a little work.
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... how is that REMOTELY a shitty character idea??
Owl wizard!