Hope
It’s been more than 2 years since my last entry. I’ve moved on to other tumblr blogs for a while but not for long either. It’s been about 2 years since I was active on here.
My blog was soaking of pain and misery and suffering and loneliness. I cried almost every day, felt painfully lonely, misunderstood, stuck and self- conscious regularly. I had anxiety, social anxiety, spent a lot of my time pointlessly at my computer and all of it alone in my room. I felt like my life was just an ongoing string of bad emotions, endless suffering towards an end I couldn’t even make out. I really felt like my life was going absolutely nowhere. I had no goals, no aspirations, only vague dreams that I didn’t even believe myself I would reach.
There were days when I considered suicide. I never got close to any actual plans because I knew I would never do that to my mother. If it wasn’t for that, I might’ve done it. I really felt like there was no happiness in my life for the better parts of the years 2018, 2019 and 2020. More importantly, I didn’t see a way out. I didn’t believe with even one cell of my body that things could become better. I kept on living out of politeness and the mere vague hope of things improving even a little bit at some point.
I suffered enough mentally to last me a lifetime. I discovered every single shade of sadness, every way my body could hurt from mental pain, every single ugly face of anxiety. I felt so much agony that I felt like my body might rip into pieces. There were moments when I thought I need to kill myself if I have to stay in this overwhelming pain for even one more second. I’ve cried bathtubs full of tears.
What gave me temporary relief, not happiness, but relief from pain was art and entertainment media and my hobby. Videos, books and movies as well as my favorite music and my crafting hobby were the things that made me not feel the overwhelming pain for a few hours a day. Still, I suffered a lot.
And I was SURE I would never get better.
I got better. From the last third of 2020 I started feeling okay at times. I changed things in my life. Tiny things but they made me feel alive again since months in which I felt absolutely dead. I was very very scared of the big changes I knew I needed to make to become happy. I started with baby steps. I didn’t feel dead anymore. I didn’t cry every day anymore.
It took me until the last third of 2021 to make some big big changes to my life. During the summer of 2021 I figured out finally that there are things I need to do to stop feeling shit. It was a bit hard. I had the courage to ask, to finally ask a friend for help. I made a few changes in the course of a week.
My life changed. I changed. I’m not dead and depressed anymore. My anxiety is low but it doesn’t impact my life anymore. I live and do everything I want to do despite any anxiety I feel during it.
In the last half year, I felt for the third time in my life again like I was actually living, not just waiting for death and pushing myself through days, weeks and school semesters. The first time was childhood, the second my exchange year in abroad. Now, I finally felt actually alive again. Like I was actually DOING SOMETHING. Something that I like. I did things that I had secretly dreamt of for YEARS. Things I secretly already wrote off. Things happened that I never thought would happen. My dreams of 2018 and 2019, the things I had never dared to pursue, never dared to even wish for, quite literally came true. I met people. Different people than I have ever met before. I did things I never did before. In this last half a year I made as many experiences as I did in the four years before.
I am not the same person as I was when I wrote this blog. I have changed in so many ways that I feel insanely disconnected from the person who wrote this blog. I know that this depressed, anxious mess was me but it doesn’t feel like it. I progressed so much in the last half a year that I can’t believe it at times.
Of course, there is difficulty and problems. But there is literally nothing I can’t solve. And I am happy most of the time. It’s okay to have problems sometimes. I am finally, finally, after all, unbelievably HAPPY. I literally didn’t believe that I would be happy again at a point. That I would have a fulfilling life. That I would manage to work on my goals. That I would have ACTUAL friends.
I would be so pissed at myself if I had killed myself when I felt like it. There were days when I only stayed alive for the faint hope of things getting better. I quietly spoke to future people that I might meet. I still hoped I would get actual friends and that I’d want to stay alive for them. I half- heartedly believed it and stayed alive.
If you are where I was back then, in the pits of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts; STAY ALIVE. THINGS GET BETTER. IT GETS BETTER. YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN. I AM SO GLAD I DIDN’T KILL MYSELF BACK THEN. RECOVERY AND HAPPINESS IS POSSIBLE I promise YOU!
Keep on hoping. Things will get better. Don’t kill yourself, it will all be worth it in the end.
