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The Floods of February
The Floods of February
Greetings MerMates,
I hope you haven’t been Drowning in the Sound.
My progress has been slowed by three floods in the basement that holds my bedroom and music studio. Also a high activity level (I dug a ditch to clear space for flow lol) that has strongly encouraged me to rest more than I feel I should. Who knew that the new…
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Dug a trench today. Hopefully the rain won't come in. But if it does I will get to check my work. 😂😂😂
Greetings MerMates,
Happy New Year, I hope you are finding warm and relaxing currents as we float into the new year.
Now that the MerCove has settled into its new new look the focus flows to setting up the store. We also started a sEa-mail list you can sign up for to get updates and blogs directly to your inbox.
Coda’s Oasis, the online community Coda and I are starting, has been making slow…
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Holiday and End of the year update 2017
Greetings MerMates,
I hope the current you swim in isn’t to salty.
The holidays have a way of bringing out the drama and the competition.
It’s hard to watch a church make poor people wait outside in freezing weather over night so that they can have gifts for their children. It is worse when I understand they had to bring their kids because they can’t afford a baby sitter. The church had a sign to…
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Sus 4 Dominant 7
Greetings MerMates, I hope the sun is keeping you warm. This week I want to talk philosophy. Philosophy is really awesome because it helps us understand the patterns that are active in the world around us. As a musical MerMaven I explain things within musical and oceanic metaphors. I have found that keeping my language consistent is fun and makes it easier for others to understand what I am…
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Music saves so save music
I am so sad to hear about Chester Bennington's death. Artists like him gave me a safe space to feel emotions that society generally valances as bad. When "Crawling" came out it expressed the ways I was feeling. And the Reanimation version took that expression and musically reflected the depths of sadness, pain and fear I felt. I still weep when I hear that song.
It is because of the brilliant expressions of amazing artists that I was able to look in the right places for knowledge. This allowed me to unwork the knots of emotions that bound me from progress.
I didn't find that knowledge until after multiple suicide attempts and years of cutting. The first step was realizing that there are no good and bad emotions. This labeling of positive and negative keeps us from being able to fix the things our emotions are trying to warn us of.
Now I am going to tell you something new... Suicidal feeling are healthy because they warn us that... a choice we are making an aspect of our life a relationship we have or many other possibilities ...are draining the life from us and there for killing us. Find someone SAFE and talk to them. When I say safe I mean... someone who understands about emotions from a neutral space someone who doesn't make you feel stupid when you don't understand someone willing to explain someone who doesn't mock you ...this is a place you will be safe talking about your emotions and digging into them to see what they say are killing you.
Thank you Chester. Thank you Chris. Thank you Kurt. Thank you to all of the artists living and dead who took the time to express their emotions in a way that made them easy to understand and work with. Take care of yourself, because you *ARE* worth it!!! *hugs*
If anyone needs a safe space, you are welcome to message me. Take care of yourself, because you *ARE* worth it!!! *hugs*
https://youtu.be/jfviFOcnlew
#ripchester #ripchris #musicsavessosavemusic
I just entered this photo into the #AX7 contest to design #BrooksBat. I hope Dan Gross will go meet #avengedsevenfold with me, if I win.
It’s Electric. Particularly on a full moon, eclipse, with a comet flying by!
Last night I faced another fear, fully aware of the triggers active as I did. It is easy to shove our true feelings way down deep into our undercurrent and pretend our reasons for an action are different. I am tired of hiding from those truths about myself. As I dove into shadow work last night my understanding of me increased like a tide, on a full moon!!!
Growing up in cult Christianity, like that of the Westboro Baptist Church, is intense. Everything worldly, including those other brands of Christianity, is something to fear, a vat of toxic sewage that would give you super powers that sent you strait to super villain. We are taught to face that fear to because, “How can we “save” people when don’t interact with them.”
This is where the church twisted the saying, “Be in the world but not of it.” I was supposed to be able to interact with others without being influenced by them, which was pretty much, “Tell them how our church will save them, but DO NOT listen to them lest you end up backsliding.”
Honestly, that is such a sad twist to a wonderful saying. Because what that really means is that we should be in the physical realm while remembering we are souls having a human experience. And that thought is a big reason I use Merfolk analogies. Human=human, Mer=Soul
Now back to last night’s fear facing fiesta! A friend’s band, Ava’s Attic, was playing at Blue Alien Bar. I believe in supporting friends and local music which allowed my consistency dynamic to take the human side of me so I could flow into the Mer side. I am glad I did because I would have missed a great show and an opportunity to be there for a friend.
When I am triggered, my inner Mer take a mental step back to analyze, from a distance, everything human me is reflexively doing and how that connects to the outer world. This mental technique has helped me see myself more clearly and resolve a lot of dissonance in myself. Since I have started to open up and drop the glass shell in which I hide, I can dive so much deeper into my undercurrent and clutter clear the mer-cove, (the hidden places mer folk hide their booty, garr).
In the past anxiety around crowds was my surface reason for avoiding things like bars and secular music shows. Honestly, other than bar shows and Handy Fest I have seen:
Drive by Truckers open for Black Crows in Memphis- It was cool to see Drive by Truckers because I knew they were local, and their female bassist was a bad ass turning up that handle of Jack like all the best. There was an amazing drum solo with a light show during Black Crows but I didn’t know about them. I went with a guy I was dating and his ex, so it was super awkward without the added childhood trauma triggers. With the added trauma, I left town with people. to go to a rock show, I was really just walking myself to the sacrificial alter and no one would even notice I was missing when I didn’t return because I had returned to the depths of hell whence I came.
Lynyrd Skynard at the Muscle Shoals Music Hall of Fame-I was excited about this show because I was an on air personality at the time. I had back stage passes. I took my then boyfriend and his friend, they drank and drank and drank. So instead of enjoying a band I like, that made it through most of the triggers because my father loves them, I was baby-sitting. Not really a good night.
Since then I have avoided big shows. The biggest is seeing The Midnighters, whom I love, play during Handy Fest in the middle of Court Street! I feel safe and can more easily find space outside. Bar shows still make me anxious.
Last night I realized my history with alcoholics may be amplifying the “worldly triggers” at bars. My family, exs and friends have alcoholics among them, AND I have been raped twice while I was drunk.
I think my ability to enjoy myself is connected to my ability to feel safe and comfortable. I will continue diving deep into my undercurrent to create safety and comfort in my mer-cove.
Last thought, to the beautiful drunk woman in the bathroom:
1) You are not a slonsy whore because you took your shoes off, those kinds of heels are made to hurt you.
2) You are already a Sexy Seductress, it is just hard for you to see it yourself. Here is how I helped myself with that, I stopped wearing make-up. CALM DOWN and hear me out!!! I know it sounds crazy as fuck but I PROMISE this actually works. When you go out drinking don’t wear make-up, because as we get drunk we get hot and sweaty, particularly if there is dancing. As the other women in the bar get hot and sweaty their make-up will run and they will start to look like a Salvador Dali painting, but you will be perfect, shining with the glitter of activity (sweat). Try it, when the rest of the bar has racoon eyes your big beautiful peepers will draw the attention of everyone.
Take care of yourself, because you *ARE* worth it!!! *hugs*
Sus 4 Dominant 7
Yesterday was interesting, but the first day of the full moon usually is. I spent a lot of time pondering dissonance and resolution. Wow. I also dreamed writing this very article, déjà vu! *weee*
A lot of my inner chaos comes from two separate thoughts that don’t seem to work together, like a discordant note in a song. And like that discordant tone, I seek resolution when the dissonance has me dizzy spinning endlessly.
For example, I grew up cult Christianity. They taught, the toxic masculine dominance program of women and men separate in their own places. I belonged in the kitchen not in the studio. As I got older I slid to the opposite extreme offered by CULTure. Men had been in control long enough, it was time for women to take control, so I tried to dominate those around me. The dissonance created by the dominant thought of “needing to control”, resonating with the suspended, lingering tone of “I belong in a kitchen” was intense.
For me the resolution to that dissonance was the understanding that I control myself, my message, and my direction. Others get that same space, man or woman. I don’t need to control others because I was controlled. I reject that reality and substitute my own. So now when the sexist disharmony starts it resolves quickly.
Like the other day, I realized I am still sorta sexist. I am comfortable with women commenting on my physical appearance but not men. I know this is normal, but that doesn’t make it healthy.
I realized the difference between compliments from men and women is the fear that the man may be telling the truth. When a female tells, me I am sexy there is an assumption that she doesn’t actually think I am sexy. She is just trying to make me feel better about myself. Since sexy denotes a desire to touch, I assume my female friend is not saying she wants to touch me. However, there is also an assumption that a male friend does want to touch me. Worse, a fear that should he decide to touch me, he can, because my health problems make my physically weak so I know I couldn’t resist violent, unwanted advances.
Here is why those assumptions are wrong:
1) Sexy is simply a desire to touch. That is why we find things like instruments, cars, and other sleek, curvy items sexy. It doesn’t necessarily mean one wants to fuck the sexy noun. Similarly, Lust is a strong desire to acquire something. So, defining terms has become an important step for resolving to harmony.
2) A woman is just as likely as a man to find me physically attractive, there is just a social mask that women and men must wear when attracted to the same sex. So, while she IS trying to make me feel better about myself, she could also be owning her emotions through the valance of a self-esteem building “joke”.
3) Just because a man may be telling the truth about finding me attractive, doesn’t mean he is trying to do anything more than build my self-esteem. We hear horror stories about men dominating women, but the reality is those are few and far between. CULTure just uses those stories to boost ratings since “Humans respect each other” as a leading story isn’t going to hook societies attention.
My fear has created a wall where the men in my life don’t feel safe building my self-esteem because I may take it the wrong way. Which is terrible, because I don’t want to keep others true feelings locked in them because I can’t handle the truth. And really, I need that kind of love and support from ALL my friends not just my female friends.
Most men are respectful and kind. They are also aware of the dissonance that their compliments create within us, so they withhold them for our sanity. The resolution for me has been taking each man’s and women’s compliment situationally.
I know there will be people who aren’t aware of boundaries, Neptune knows I have met plenty of those fish! To help me mute the anxiety of past experiences I created a plan. Should someone compliment my body more than twice, I shall interrupt the third and say something like, “Your first two compliments were focused on my physicality. There is a lot more to me than that. If your next compliment isn’t about something deeper, this conversation is over.”
Coda just made an amazing point about boundaries. My healthy friends. who are aware of boundaries, shrink themselves so I feel safe. From now on, I will give others a safe space to resume normal boundaries while getting comfortable allowing safe people into mine.
Take care of yourself, because you *ARE* worth it!!! *hugs*
Dear Daughter... never lose yourself
The question I get asked the most is, “What is it like being a woman in a male dominated industry?”. But this question and subject is has faded to a sheer gray and has become almost irrelevant if you are actually paying attention. The tables are shifting, and I no longer am the only girl working on tour or on a video shoot set, or performing at a festival etc. Whether you are a girl in music or carving your own path anywhere in this world …There’s definitely a revolution rumbling underground, and the dawn of a new evolution of thinking. Personally, I’ve always taken the side of talent, not gender. Because in the bottom line in my world is that no matter boy or girl, if you can’t bring it every night no ones gonna buy a ticket to your show. When we discuss subjects like gender equality, we are not only imploring people to view and treat Females equal to Men, we are fighting to open up people’s minds to the idea that Human is Human. No matter the gender, sexual preference, race, age, size etc. And currently, we more than ever have a responsibility to encourage our young men and women to be pro human, to love one another, to love who they are, and to follow even their craziest of dreams. But There are people right now in this world breeding and spreading hate like a cancer. We must be conscious that even the smallest breath of hatred or the tiniest whisper of kindness sparks an idea. Be wary of which one you choose. I choose kindness. I usually stay away from talking about things like religion and politics because in the spirit of equal rights… every one has the right to believe, love and live how they want to. But we are currently in a state of emergency and it’s no longer about the “right” to believe… its about “right and wrong”. So I’m taking a cue from John Lennon who said, “Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we’re being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I’m liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That’s what’s insane about it.” And here’s my truth. 1. I cannot as a strong women who respects herself and her body, ever vote for Trump. 2. I cannot as a compassionate human who chooses love over hate ever vote for Trump. 3. And I cannot as ‘one of the boys’ who wants a Real Man role model for our American boys to look up to Ever vote for trump. And I do not care what anyone may think of me for this statement.
Because If I can spread just a little bit of love and logic in its simplest form by saying this… it’s worth it. I feel as if I have a responsibility in my current position as a musician, to pass on the love, the guts and the defiance of my Rock n Roll predecessors to whoever will listen, and even some who won’t. The Beatles were ahead of their time defying the US segregation laws in the 1960s at their Gator Bowl gig stating, “We play shows for people… not just one group of or another.”- John Lennon, George Harrison, Paul McCartney and Ringo. “Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.” -Martin Luther King Jr. “It’s a moment in time, you will never remember all the faces you’ve met or the places you’ve visited in this life, but the people you’ve touched will remember you for the rest of their lives, so you must make it Good for every single one of them!”-Ronnie James Dio So, My Dear Daughters and Sons, you have the power to change this world for the better. Stand up for what you believe in, no matter what the outcome, respect yourself and spread the Love, Guts and Rock n Roll!
And through it all, year after year Stand or Fall I will be right here for you.
Love, Lzzy Hale
Seize the Day. Every Day!
Today has been better. I slept in and had enough energy to start today with ukulele. Coda, my partner, adorably asked me if he could join practice. So I actually played with another person this morning, yay!
Coda has been working on Synister Gates solo for “Seize the Day” for a while, but has difficulties without Zacky Vengeance’s rhythm. So I, at a slower speed, played rhythm.
It was awesome to hear that solo come together. Coda’s lessons from Paul Gilbert are totally paying off! He has been working on Syn solo’s since Guitar Center ran the master class contest in 2013. He wasn’t ready then, but he damn well is now. How could I not be inspired by the amazing progress he makes?
I have learned so much from Synister myself. Coda and I watched the master classes on YouTube, watch interviews with the band, and play their music. Most recently, I have started anchoring my pinkie because I saw the finger picking Syn did while keeping his hand in one place. Since I finger pick and my sweat band allows me to anchor my forearm, the pinkie anchor has added an amazing level of stability to keep my ukulele from sliding around. Thanks for that!!! Don’t take this the wrong way, every fucking one of you is god damn adorable!!! There is a gentle and caring undercurrent running through the hard ass image you have, it took me a long time to see it.
Playing “Seize the Day” this morning has me thinking about my love-fear relationship with Avenged Sevenfold. It is nice to know that my fear programming doesn’t keep me from learning from everyone. I remember when Guitar Hero came out and “Beast and the Harlot” was a favored pick. My excuse for not wanting to sing it was “outta my range” however the truth was AX7 scared the hell outta me.
It is easier to look like a diva than a prude, particularly when that admission would make me look hypocritical. I enjoyed singing other secular songs on the games so I kept my inner turmoil over the symbolism to myself. Since I understand Heaven and Hell are a state of mind, it bothers me that the “opening yourself do demon possession” triggers still fires.
So here I am, wanting to open up to music, scared that allowing influence will somehow degrade me. Worse, the thing I am not able to open up to, is intimacy and connection to others. Coda is so thrilled we got to play together this morning, from his perspective we shared an intimate moment, and I feel like I missed it. I was distracted by the strumming pattern, the new chord progression, listening to his solo, remembering to anchor my pinkie, the rhythm from the metronome, and so many other things.
The mentality of “be isolated from the world” is bullshit. We are all part of the world. If we are not able to connect within the world then we are losing out on amazing relationships. The world is a beautiful place. Go Connect.
Take care of yourself, because you *ARE* worth it!!! *hugs*
I Grohl my soul for rock and roll!
I may not be able to enjoy flow yet but I still enjoy the analytical side of music. Particularly with friends. My friend and I synchronized notebooks, learned the Pentatonic minor scale, and figured out what songs we are going to be practicing: Big Me by Foo Fighters, Come As You Are by Nirvana, Blister in the Sun by The Violent Femmes, and Head Over Feet by Alanis Morrisette.
They are all great songs by talented musicians, unfortunately the indoctrination programming has its say too. So I am going to talk about that for a moment.
Secular or worldly music is a lump genre that includes everything, not Christian. My mom would go through my cd’s and tapes to destroy anything not Christian so I couldn’t let the devil into the house. I started getting friends to burn me cd’s. So Steven Curtis Chapmen was hiding Eminem, Joel Ingle hid Kid Rock, and my collection of contraband began to grow.
At 14 I did it to chase the buzz of doing things I wasn’t supposed to do. Honestly, I was suicidal, 3 attempts by 17 (not that anyone noticed) I was trying to die, so what did I care if a bunch of devil worshipers sacrificed me to the devil who seemed to be prevalent in my life anyway.
The last propaganda film my mom tried to get me to watch was, “They Sold Their Souls for Rock and Roll”. I did NOT watch that one since I wasn’t living at home anymore. It set on a shelf for years before I had the balls to throw it away. Recently, I realized that Ozzy has an album called “We Sold Our Souls for Rock and Roll”. I sat stunned at the appalling hypocrisy, my dad, plays “Crazytrain” and “Ironman” on guitar. All these years of allowing mom to control my media, place triggers against music. And I find out you fucking listen to those that you tried to scare me away from. Fuck you and your GOD DAMNED TRIGGERS! I will continue to face and learn about what scares the shit out of me.
Music can’t buy my soul because it isn’t for sale.
Guess what else can’t buy my soul…Blood.
Take care of yourself, because you *ARE* worth it!!! *hugs*
Sharing pain
I have listened to many people who have family and friends who are sick talk about how difficult it is to see the pain their loved one goes through. Particularly when that person dies. This makes me feel so much shame (the feeling of crossing someone else’s boundaries). I don’t want my friends to hurt because I hurt. I see my pain reflected on their faces when I have my bad days. I try so hard to not cause pain that it breaks my fucking heart when my pain causes pain.
How can I offer friendship when I know it will create pain? I had cancer at 18 so I feel I am just setting other people up for loss anyway. I am not looking for sympathy or pity, I am really trying to understand my triggers so I can deal with them.
My logical brain knows that my self-worth issues come from the child hood trauma of being codepent to a sociopathic, narcissistic pedophile. I also know that everyone will die eventually and that long moment between birth and death is called life, which is something to be enjoyed.
I hope that I shatter the glass (fear of causing others pain and the programs of cult Christianity) between me and enjoyment soon, because it is time to stop allowing the programs of narcissists to control my life. Take care of yourself, because you *ARE* worth it!!! *hugs*
Rough Days
A friend of mine has started to learn guitar so she can play with me. This is awesome. I am so happy she is joining me with music.
My partner, Coda, is teaching us both. I dubbed the class, “The Band of the Red Hand” due to the red sweat bands I got the other day. He and I spend the evening picking out songs that would be easy for us to learn, with different techniques to try like barr chords and finger picking.
She comes over tonight for practice and I am depressed. I should be happy, one of my best friends is hanging out with my partner and I to learn music. If this isn’t nice what the fuck is?!?! Hell it has given me more motivation to play MorGain, my uke. But it is hard to be happy (see hope and possibility in the future) when health issues and mental blocks are triggered. It is hard to connect to joy (the connection to others) when I worry my pain will bring others down. This is when I feel I should be hiding.
Yesterday I felt rough but I went to SatH rehearsal anyway. After a few songs I ended up puking. Is it fair to participate in a group activity when I know my health makes me unreliable? I do my best but when I am 4 days into an endometriosis flair puking is inevitable. I want to be stable and consistent so others can rely on me, but that seems unattainable. I manage my health well enough but there is no quick fix for chronic illness and diseases.
So I am going to do what I always do, take it one baby step at a time and hope the progress balances with the setbacks. Take care of yourself, because you *ARE* worth it!!! *hugs*
Chilling in the practice room, learning Big Me by Foo Fighters.
Foo Fighters' official music video for 'Low'. Click to listen to Foo Fighters on Spotify: http://smarturl.it/FooFSpotify?IQid=FooFLow As featured on One By O...
