Blowing steam post again, yaay!!! I'm a mad bitch, so be warned btw. TW for mild depression, suicidal thoughts, brief SH mentions.
It genuinely pisses me off sometimes that I want to do something RR that a normal straight couple would do, but someones always there to point out the "flaws of reasoning" when all I want is to fucking do it.
Hot take: But I really don't give a fuck if it's emulating patriarchy/heteronormativity/nonsense because if it really mattered, you would be talking to regular couples about it, not me.
Like it's mindboggling how difficult it is with men in the equasion. Gay men have their dynamics, and it's fine. Lesbians have their dynamics, I lived it, it's fucking awesome. But as soon as I express that it's men it's 500 fucking caviates, rules, regulations and reasons.
Everyone has an opinion on the "flaws of reasoning" for how you exist. But they never, ever want to talk about the 'flaws' in the people they're using me as referece for.
Shocker: I'm Bi! I don't think like a regular straight person!
​The second your desires don't fit the approved script—especially if it involves a man, but in a way you're not "supposed" to—everyone's a philosopher. The fact that I'm including queer people shows that everyone is fucking dumb.
Like I want to be the taller partner
I want to be strong
I. Want. To. Do. All. Of. It.
It's a little isolating since I don't think the Virago community even understands how I feel about my own identity. To be truthful, I personally get tired of being alone and throwing myself through the ringer for thought experiments that we do here. It makes me feel like what I want will never matter. Like true RR, never gets representation and even some people here don't fuck with it all the way like I do. I feel hella isolated from everyone else, almost like they're trying to call me insane.
It's highly dysphoric to see some people discuss shit that I fight tooth and nail for as optional and something discardable. I wish people could just understand people like me.
I wish I could just live my life and not have any second thoughts or questions on my right to exist that way. It sucks. I wish I could just go outside and tell people I am this way and they'd understand. I wish the men who I liked, liked women. There's so many things that make me dysphoric that I can't take it anymore.
My Virago relationship is complex and different. I have a "traditionally feminine" body I want to build, and I am altersex and have phallo-dysphoria. Shit like that.
I wake up and see everyone happier than me, then being looked at odd when I say the relationship I desire. I'm looked at like a freak to queer people, I even struggle to feel accepted here, too. It's like they think I'm out of fiction or my attraction is just a fetish or mental illness. I constantly have to agree and nod to them, less I lose the small semblance of understanding I have left.
It's so bad that I've started cutting again. I opened the Virago community in public last week and my flatmate had asked me in a mocking tone: "What is this?" My stomach turned, and I broke out sobbing like a fucking failure. I skipped class just to soak my covers in tears. She eventually came to comfort me, but...what I want never will happen to me.
This is the same fucking girl who I confided about my desire to get someone pregnant. She showed me a picture of her aunts triplet pregnancy and said I'd never get to experience it. She knows I'm gay, too. So she rubs her belly, and licks a V-shape hand to fuck with me.
Everyone says something different than how they treat you. So I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about the "flaws of reasoning" anymore.
It's kind of dragging it, but I feel like I should mention. I kind of don't like how the whole community basically indirectly shaming me for me calling it "cringe" instead of actually messaging me directly to talk. Mind you, I called it quirky. That word usage was deliberate. Many would call what I'm posting cringe. Even then, it was framed as a community issue.
I was the only one making any comment similar to the such. We're a small community so it's very easy to verify.
I know we don't like fighting or infighting, but this really wasn't a problem in the first place.(or wouldn't be if we talked abt it)
If my comment triggered you and you felt attacked, sorry. But framing me as causing drama by saying it's a problem everyone has been experiencing (when notes are public btw) is fairly discouraging. I'm not against criticism, but I would perfer my name used when reffering to me.
It's no hard feelings since it's over now, and I appriciate the feedback. But I just wanted it to be made aware how this has affected me.
This behavior can brew mistrust and resentment if we don't be honest with eachother as a true safe space.
Me making that comment was me letting you know in advance that I'm different. I apologize if it struck a chord.
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