Rine! @ryanleonitus - Tumblr Blog

Say it with me:

I will not perform for love. I will not beg just to be chosen. I will not scream just to be heard. I will not overgive just to feel enough. I will not disappear just to be desired. I am not here to prove I’m worthy. I already am.

I took an extended weekend just because.

Work is slow. America is… whatever it is right now. Most days, I just count the minutes until I can log off. I round that shit too.

My birthday is coming up. The only plan I've made is the PTO I filed for the entire week. I'm considering driving to Texas to see my brother and his wife, the kind of people you don't have to perform for.

My lease is up in September. Planning to renew month-to-month because living here feels like slow-motion crashing out (as the kids say).

On easy conversations: They disarm me in a good way. Most of my social reflexes were built for survival or navigating coworkers, so when I find myself in something effortless, with no mask or script, it feels like coming home.

Speaking of home: Mother’s Day (estranged) and Father’s Day (same) passed. Felt things, but nothing tectonic. I know I’m better off. I ask myself, “Aren’t you too old for this?” I recently read a 76-year-old talk about how his parents’ love still feels like a phantom limb. So.

War might be on the horizon. I don’t have the words for that yet.

I’ve started doing my own manicures instead of going to the salon. Not only is it saving me money, but the process has become an unexpected remedy for my anxious skin picking. And honestly? I'm so damn good at it!

It hit me today that I haven’t truly listened to music in over a year, outside of the EDM and trap I play as background noise at the gym. So I decided to change that. I revisited my old favorites: Patti, Luther, Whitney… and it felt like reuniting with a part of myself I’d forgotten. For the first time in a long time, I felt alive in the quietest, most comforting way.

Of course, my manager wanted to “talk” about the email I sent rescinding my application for that internal role. I’m not naive, I know how this game is played. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy showing up to that meeting with my freshly done nails (which I painted on the clock, by the way). If nothing else, my hands looked impeccable while I nodded through the corporate script.

I had a proper cry today. The kind that leaves you spent but lighter. All the tension coiled in my chest and shoulders just… dissolved. I feel so much better.

And Patti. Seeing her live again after all these years—she’s 81 now. Eighty-one. Still radiant, still commanding the stage like a force of nature. (And yes, still forgetting lyrics, which is its own kind of comfort.) I don’t want to dwell on the ache of time passing, so instead I’ll just say: what a gift to witness legacy in motion. I love Patti LaBelle.

Turns out, I am not a punching bag. Shocking, I know. My therapist said I need to:

Lower my tolerance for nonsense,

Journal like it’s my job, and

Put my peace above everything else.

So that’s what I’m doing. I rescinded my application for a promotion because the pay increase wasn’t worth the bullying and targeting. My sanity is non-negotiable.

I’m planning some road trips soon. I don’t have community here, and honestly? I don’t see it happening. The performative “justice” in Norman is… something. And by something, I mean disgusting.

My brother’s anniversary just passed, and I’m so happy for him and his wife. Feels like yesterday I was at the courthouse, directing their photos like some unqualified, overconfident paparazzo. I absolutely did not know what I was doing. lol

There are people I haven’t hugged in years, and I want to change that within the next 12 months. If you felt a little something reading that… yeah. I’m talking about you.

Also, I need to see a decent drag show before I lose my damn mind. The clownery of life demands a balance of sequins and shade.

noosphe-re

We experience the sensuous world only by rendering ourselves vulnerable to that world. Sensory perception is the ongoing interweavement: the terrain enters into us only to the extent that we allow ourselves to be taken up within that terrain.

David Abram, Becoming Animal: An Earthly Cosmology

I always seem to end up with people who talk trash about me, and then they bring me around the same people they were talking badly to. In this situation, they were lying and even admitted it in couples therapy. What’s going on with me? I can feel a significant change coming...

I don’t criticize my relationship unless I’m working on solutions or preparing to leave. So I’ve been silent about it.

We’re in couples therapy. My partner seems to think it’ll fix things. For me, it’s becoming clearer that it might be too late.

People say they want good communication, but when you communicate calmly about serious issues- no yelling, no drama- they don’t take it seriously. I approach relationship problems methodically because I’ve been in therapy since childhood. That’s just how I operate.

I’ve been raising the same concerns for over two years. Every time:

I bring something up

They get emotional

I end up comforting them

We might agree on a solution that doesn’t last

Repeat

I give too much in relationships. By the time I realize I’m not receiving the same effort, I also realize the other person might not be capable of it. They’ve made accommodations for their own needs while dismissing mine.

I’m nearly out of energy to keep trying. What little remains might just be guilt about leaving someone who’s become dependent on me.

The truth is dawning on me: I can’t fix this alone, and they weren’t serious about fixing it until it made them uncomfortable.

#relationships

A tornado hit my street this week. I’ve lived in Norman for years, and storms usually pass by without much impact. This one was different- it came right through my neighborhood. It knocked down trees, but thankfully, there was nothing worse.

I’ve been working through some hard things in therapy. For the first time, I’m facing issues I’ve always avoided. It’s painful, but I can tell something inside me is changing. I think my life is about to shift because of it.

I’ve never really believed anyone was on my side. It’s not that people haven’t tried- I just couldn’t feel it. I’ve always prepared myself to handle things alone.

At work, it’s been the same. I’ve been there for 2.5 years. I’m good at my job- reliable, quick to learn, the one they call when they need something done right. But I’ve also felt singled out. My mistakes get noticed more than others’. My old supervisor and I didn’t synergize well, but my current one differs. She actually listens.

Today, she stopped me in her office and said, “I’m so tired of them picking on you.”

I never complained to her about it. But she’d seen it anyway.

“When anyone else messes up, it’s no big deal. But with you? They make it a problem. They bring it up in meetings like it’s something I need to address. And I’m done pretending it’s not happening.”

I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t.

For the first time, someone not only noticed what I’ve been dealing with but was angry about it. They stood up for me without me having to ask.

I don’t know what happens next. But for once, I don’t feel alone in it.

#banter #life

Me, emerging from the void like: “Oh yeah. I have a tumblr."

Anyway. Life Update™:

- Still in Oklahoma (sigh), but plotting my escape like a disgruntled protagonist in a Southern Gothic novel. The countdown begins.

- Therapy? Still winning. Shoutout to Black women therapists-y’all are literal alchemists. Every session feels like peeling back layers of bad programming and replacing it with "Oh, I don’t actually have to tolerate bullshit?" Revelations.

- Went to the Bill Pickett Rodeo in Fort Worth (shoutout to my brother and SIL for dragging me). Me? At a rodeo? The universe is hilarious. But Black cowboys/girls/non-binary pals out here reinventing the Wild West? Art. History. Magic. 10/10 would awkwardly two-step at again.

- My psychiatrist, however, can catch these hands. That’s all I’ll say.

- Health glow-up! Nothing drastic, but my body’s finally like “Oh, we’re doing maintenance now? Cool, cool." Small wins.

- Trump can also catch these hands. And a dictionary. And a one-way ticket to a silent retreat on Mars.

- My therapist says I need local connections. Meanwhile, Norman’s social scene has me like: [crickets]. I’m not forcing it. If the universe wants me to bond with someone here, it’ll have to send a carrier pigeon with a detailed PowerPoint on why we’d vibe.

So yeah. That’s the tea. I’m alive. I’m cackling. I’m side-eyeing half the planet. Progress.

Hi.

the-prophesied-disco-gay

Literally sobbing. A judge, a US judge defended us. A judge brought up intersex people, uaing the term intersex, to *defend* us by not allowing our erasure. I'm having a lot of feelings right now

swagvo1d

featurefilms

Moonlight (2016) dir. Barry Jenkins

Co-workers have been complaining about the lack of applications we’ve received this year. Most of our applications come from families where at least one person is considered an undocumented immigrant. Out of fear of a family member being deported, we have gone from receiving over 100 applications a day to 10 or fewer. The same co-workers who complain are Trump supporters. (They always find a way to let you know, don't they?) I have zero remorse. They voted for this shit. Voted your ass (and possibly mine) right out of a job. I don't give a damn. Oh, and the Board of Regents probably won't approve the wack-ass incentive program they proposed that would give us a raise because now we can't justify the need with the lack of work.

My attitude at work reflects how I feel about America.

Aye…

Fuck that dude.

I graduated Saturday with a Bachelor's in Business administration and concentration in Project Management. Summa Cum Laude (4.0). Started in January. Career change for the win.

Achieved.

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