In two years, I've broken down and remade myself.
I went from pondering what to leave in a suicide note to actually living my dream in some ways. Funny how fast that turnaround happened. In the span of a human lifetime, two years is a blip.
Just about two years and two weeks ago, I went through the most tortuous event in my life. It was a breakup with someone I loved more than anyone else I had up until that point in my life, and it was initiated by them. At the time, in my head, they were the only thing in my life that legitimately made me happy. So, when I lost that, you can imagine how I must have felt.
In my very hurt, lonely, and desperate state, I talked about some things that shouldn't have been discussed, broke trust, and created a massive shitstorm the likes of which I never hope to experience again. I lived, and I learned, and I made my mistakes. I have never claimed to be a perfect human being. I just do the best I can to be.
I learned that I am, in fact, not alone in my life. I have wonderful, loving and supportive friends. Friends that have seen me cry like a newborn over a broken heart despite being a young man of 24 at the time, friends that have seen me get teary-eyed over hugging a tree and never once passed judgement, and friends that didn't care what time of the night it was when I called when I needed someone to talk to. These people are people I truly owe my life, because without them, I might not be around to thank them for all they did.
I looked inward, discovered who I was again, and managed to put back the pieces of myself and my life into a functional person with their guidance, and my own tenacity.
Now, look at me. I'm 26, nearly 27. I'm employed in the perfect job to suit me following my dream, even as I begin to live it. Two years ago I could see nothing worth living for, and actually hoped something bad would happen in 2012 to take away the feelings of emptiness I felt. Instead, I found my friends, their love and support, and to me, that is worth living for. Living my dream, seeing others happy, having a chance to do all these things, that is what makes life worth living.
And after two years I'm finally able to admit to myself that I'm better than the way I was treated. Twice, in fact, by the same person. The relationship was damaging and dysfunctional, despite the happiness it gave. There was no way either of us were gonna make the other really happy. I idolized a person that did not know who they were, or really what they wanted. I was a convenience, not someone they needed, just someone they wanted, and when I was no longer wanted or convenient for their needs, too high-maintenance, too much of a bother, I was cast aside, and traded in for a new model, which didn't suit their needs either. They could say any number of things to try and prove otherwise, but actions speak louder than words. Actions very rarely lie.
And, you know what? I'm better than that. I deserve better than that. I may not be a perfect human being, but I do not treat people like that. I have been polite, I have been kind, I have been supportive of this person, been cordial, even. I've even seen fit to defend them from criticism from my friends calling them a bitch or a bad person, because, despite their issues, I honestly don't think ill of them as a person. After all, their field of study is about helping people, and they've always seemed willing to help strangers with their problems. A rare and valued gift in this world if ever there was one.
But, if, after this long, they refuse to let it go, to move on with things and instead hold grudges and hate me for making an error in judgement when I hadn't the presence of mind or forethought to think ahead, then fine.
I don't need forgiveness or acceptance from someone that is that bitter. I accept that I am imperfect, and attempt to change for the better in spite of it. I'll still have the scars on my heart from everything I've been through, but I'll continue to be strong, and live my life.
In two years, I've rebuilt myself, and I didn't need their forgiveness to do it. I didn't need them to be strong then, and I sure as hell don't need them to be strong now. So they can go ahead and ignore my messages wishing them well on the holidays, or even on their birthday, without so much as a "thanks". They can go ahead and hide and ignore any positive comments I may post on their art, praising their growth or style.
I've grown, I've changed, and I've learned so much more about myself. In a way, maybe I should thank them for decimating much of the old me. But even if I did, they'd probably ignore me and tell me to fuck off, so, why bother praising someone when they don't give two shits about you or the effort it'd take to type such a thing?
There will be more chances for love in my life, more mistakes made, but at least I know my own strength as a result.
Just like tea, you never know how strong you are until you're thrown into hot water.