other birds must get so pissed off by mockingbirds. like imagine you get in a fight with your wife and the next week you can hear your upstairs neighbor repeating the argument word for word as sexual roleplay

if i look back, i am lost
Claire Keane
Keni
Sweet Seals For You, Always
One Nice Bug Per Day
Game of Thrones Daily
Acquired Stardust
AnasAbdin
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
Monterey Bay Aquarium
occasionally subtle
No title available
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
tumblr dot com
Jules of Nature
NASA

No title available
sheepfilms
styofa doing anything
Stranger Things
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom

seen from United States

seen from T1

seen from United States

seen from United Kingdom

seen from Spain

seen from United States

seen from T1
seen from Australia

seen from India
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from United States

seen from Malaysia

seen from Brunei
seen from United Kingdom

seen from United Kingdom

seen from United States

seen from Germany

seen from United Kingdom
@sacrasm
other birds must get so pissed off by mockingbirds. like imagine you get in a fight with your wife and the next week you can hear your upstairs neighbor repeating the argument word for word as sexual roleplay
Everybody needs a third space. This abomination we call a society has been destroying third spaces for decades. We still need them, so we grab them wherever we can. The only place many people have available is inside their heads. Normally, that's where people in prisons have to keep their third space. Now we have much of the population walking around with no option but to keep their third space in their head. Does that give you any idea what we really are in this system?
That used to be a legit business strategy btw ...
Investing in people who didn't have money now, but would have in 5-ish to 10-ish years
Teahouses in Japan would give poor students years of credit, knowing that once they have a job, they not only would pay their tap, but that they would feel loyal to this particular teahouse and be a frequent patron
I’ll never not be amused by the fact that I can drop the words “crucifix nail nipples” into a conversation and some of you who have been with me since the livejournal days will join me in the flashbacks, screaming and crying all the way.
I require context. Because this is a very interesting start of a story, and now I need the rest of it. Could I get a link, or a summary, or something? Pretty please?
All right buckle the fuck up kids, it’s the year 2012 and I’ve just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. It’s a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I haven’t edited a single thing in months which isn’t about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice there’s a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see I’m not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It’ll be dead by page 24, but I don’t know that yet. I’m just editing one more vampire boner fest.
The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.
Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.
Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.
Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.
If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.
So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t stop”
This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.
When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.
A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!!!!!!????!!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.
And that’s the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You’re all fucking WELCOME.
Happy ten year anniversary to this fucking post 😂
I hope the author finds this post one day, has a great sense of humor about it, and submits the manuscript (which she wrote as a teenager) for all our lulz.
I can tell you, she absolutely does not have a sense of humor about anything, lol. At the time when this happened they had to change my company email because she was sending me unhinged death threats from multiple Gmail accounts for “sabotaging” her life’s work. She was also at the time, in her 30s.
That was on top of the prior abusive emails she sent demanding to know why I’d changed things in her perfect manuscript. Like, y'know, grammatical errors and typos. Or her batshit concepts of human anatomy.
I also regret to inform everyone in the notes discovering this for the first time and wanting to believe this was satire, it was actually Christian Erotica (which is actually a very profitable sub-category of the genre).
This was a wholly sincere attempt at writing scintillating sex.
Also, to the people ten years ago who said I was a mean hater and said I couldn’t do better? Fucking bet, lmao.
i hate how they market alexa as a ‘member of the family’ like that’s SO fucking blatantly insidious and terrifying also if i wanted an untrustworthy/cold/emotionless machine in my life i’d just talk to my fuckin father
#did we all collectively forget why Big Brother was called that
Alexa literally records EVERYTHING you say around it and can store that data and send it to literally everyone and it’s on the Wikipedia page for Amazon Alexa under the Privacy Concerns section!
so this guy right he makes ancient egyptian themed furry costumes. he makes all kinds but mostly he specializes in Horus heads. it's his passion really. he loves to make the beautiful falcon head of the Sun God. anyway so he's at a con one day and he sees this whole bunch of people in middle kingdom dress with these indistinguishable animal heads. he's like. oh man these folks could really use a new source, i can hardly tell what animal those are! so he goes over and he says "hey guys! i see you are into ancient egyptian mythological themed furry costumes--if any of you are interested in being the radiant Son of Ra, I am the BEST in the business!"
and the group of people look at each other, then at him. awkward. finally one of them says: "uh. no thanks. we're all Set."
This has been sent to me four times today, so I'm condemning OP to be judged by the 42 and fall into Nuun.
I think every laugh will make OP’s heart a bit lighter.
@thatlittleegyptologist
Judge OP’s heart
I laughed, I lighten his heart.
His heart shall be heavier for this.
do you ever reach a terminal level of character brain
addendum to
truth hurts, jiang cheng
aka i should not have access to video editing software
favorite word?
pelleds
funny noise
cat login sound
haha just like chicken
True Statement: "When you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail."
Truer Statement: "When you mixed too much two-part epoxy that's rapidly setting and you have 300 blank pin backs burning a hole in your craft drawer, everything in your house looks like it might make a cool pin."
What I Set Out to Make:
What I Made Once I Had Elected Myself Mayor of Glue York City:
i have a new business card for you to pass around
happy 148th birthday to the kentucky meat shower
happy 149th birthday to the kentucky meat shower
✨🥩 HAPPY 150TH BIRTHDAY TO THE KENTUCKY MEAT SHOWER 🥩✨
note how there is no opponent nor tournament organizer in this picture
Please Stop Blaming Us For Your Strange Behavior is a mnemonic to remember the planets in the universe where they're named Plercury, Stenus, Blearth, Urs, Fupiter, Yaturn, Streptune and Buranus.
this ones for all my losers out there who do so with a smile on their face!!!!
tv from the mid 2000s was so good. if you can look past the everything
Fascinated by the people who comment on online recipes like
"I tried making this vegetable dip! I didn't have mayo so I just used low fat yogurt instead, and we are doing keto so I replaced the sour cream with lard. My husband is deathly allergic to citrus fruit so to get the same tang I added vinegar instead of lime juice. I used pancake mix instead of garlic, and since I didn't have salt, pepper, paprika, onion powder, parsley, or dill, I substituted with pumpkin spice and ground-up civet skull. My husband hated it :( I don't know what I did wrong."
Well ma'am, first of all, you made the Dip of Theseus.