a nihilist....but at what cost?

stranger things hyperfixation came to an abrupt and sudden end...i will return as soon as the hyperfixation returns (gimme until like December lol)

[tryingonametaphor]

About the byler x little women parallels

Imagine if they were to carry it over to season 5. Similar to the way things played out in Little Women(2019). It also aligns with how clueless Mike has been even though somewhere deep down inside we know that he’s loved Will all along.

El breaks up with Mike within the first two episodes - she tells him they just don’t work together romantically anymore, Mike realises it was Will’s feelings being laid out in the van and that the painting was by Will himself, Mike running to Will and telling him maybe he could learn to love him as well (Same as how Laurie tells Amy to not marry Fred after he sees the drawings she made of him. The final asshole move Mike pulls) and Will shoots Mike down by telling him that he’s loved Mike all his life. That he refuses to be second to El because it’s unfair to him. Mike understands then just how deep Will’s love for him runs. And we finally see Will standing up for himself after all this heartbreak he’s been put through.

Cue the timeskip and we see Mike Wheeler falling in love this time. Genuinely. No longer left to the audience’s interpretation. He’s had time to think it over and realises that it’s always been Will. Mike realises he’s the best version of himself around Will. Mike Wheeler is queer, and he is truly and wholeheartedly in love with Will Byers, and the pining is real and strong. The tension is always present. I can imagine them getting Murrayed in this situation perfectly too. Because this way, Murray wouldn’t accidentally out them to each other. He’s just going to give them the final nudge. Mike is going to have to win Will over this time (and he will. he always will) because I think Will deserves a love story where someone goes above and beyond for him.

[karamielo]

finished this drawing for inkycat’s dtiys on instagram! i wanted to challenge myself so this ended up taking over 10 hours to finish

crops to use as pfps

[clericallyinsane]

THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING EVER OMG I LOVE IT SM

[ed89]

the two bylers being canon (jancy + mikewill) will 4ever be cute bc it was the WHEELERS who couldn't say i love you to their former partner bc they were in love with a byers boy. it was the wheelers who fell in love with their byers boy because of how sweet and forever kind they were to everyone they met and how much genuine love and affection they had for their wheeler lover

[nightmareentertainment]

Shoutout to the byers boys who, despite growing up with an abusive and then promptly absent father, still grew up to love wholly and entirely with every inch of their being

Jonathan, who gives his everything and all to Nancy- who loves HER and not just the idea of her. Who admits when he's wrong, who goes along with her crazy idea and offers to drive, who believes in her full force, who sees through her acts in the beginning and tries to dig out the best in her. Jonathan, who was so scared of hurting her the way his father hurt his mom that he lied and put his relationship with her on the line. Jonathan, who is gentle and kind and carries so much sadness and responsibility that he only ever really smiles when he sees his family or NANCY, the love he's fallen for

And Will, who diverts all his energy into hyping up a man who in his point of view does not love him back. Will, who fights tooth and nail to keep his best friend happy, who wants to bad for that love that he still gives to Mike anyways. Will, who gives an entire speech to the love of his life, phrased like its from his sister's brain, who aches and craves and still puts himself last because he's so scared of being hurt but also so deeply in love with Micheal fucking Wheeler that he'd rather throw away his heart that he had spent painting into that canvas just to keep the other smiling.

Shoutout to the byers boys, who probably ache to love and be loved in the way their mother had found only to lose again and again. Shoutout to the byers boys, for their gentleness and their kindness that never seems to get returned. Shoutout to the byers boys.

[soclearly]

william byers how tf did you do this

[new-ronantics]

hey. *photo dumps will byers again *

[alastyearonearth]

no but if you wanted to make your dramatic, season-end cliffhanger ‘reveal’ via will that vecna is still alive and hellbent on destroying everyone ominous and foreboding, you would have positioned that will be the one sitting in shadow, his disturbed face lost in horror cast in the dark, overrun and moody.

but will is the one depicted bathed in the sunlight, wrapped up in a warmth that floods into the cabin haloing his hunched form and haunted expression. and when mike reaches out, crosses its permeable line unbidden to grasp onto him, not for anything but urge to provide comfort, mike lights up too. finally, a tether.

will is the harbinger, but he is also the way out of it. and it’ll be through being seen, supported, and loved, by which they will save themselves, and then the day.

[elbyrs]

Already? It’s been nine hours.

[thetemporaryprince-deactivated2]

Imagine being relentlessly bullied for something that no one even knows is true about you.

But imagine how awful what they say makes you feel, because you know what they don't know.

Maybe you start to wonder if all the terrible things they say are true.

Maybe they're right.

Maybe you're a mistake.

What's worse is you don't know if they're just being cruel for no apparent reason.

Or if all your attempts at hiding are failing and they can see right through it all.

Imagine suffering in silence because you can't tell anyone else what they say.

Or what they do.

Or how they treat you.

Because it would only draw more attention.

More people prying into the places you don't want anyone else to see.

Because maybe then, they would see it too.

The others would start to see why they say all of those things about you.

It's a dark, isolated place where you are trapped all alone.

A place that you can't even describe unless you've been there, because it's more of a feeling really.

So no one else understands.

I'm sure that someone like Will, has spent a lot of time here. Tormented. Trapped. Alone.

It shouldn't come as any surprise that he survived the upside down.

Because he's probably spent a lot longer surving in places that he liked even less.

[bylrlvr]

violently throwing up and throwing a chair across the room right now. this hurts me for several reasons i can’t explain. el’s expression when she sees will, she loves him so much. WILLEL MY BELOVEDS. and also will being the blurry background of the mitosis scene. STOP THIS MADNESS

[willel]

Unfortunately, I still hear whispers saying "People just copy all of El's traits onto Will" and it bothers me endlessly. YOU DON'T GET IT. AT ALL. And you'll probably never read this, but I'm going to type it out anyway.

The point is NOT to copy El's traits onto Will! The point is that Will ALREADY has a lot in common with El! TVTropes is not an official source, but have you looked at their trait list? They've been mirror each other since season 1! Their similarities only become more obvious as each season progresses.

Let's look at some and you tell me if it's really that ridiculous to point out how similar they are.

Beware the Nice Ones: Will is a polite, sweet kid. However, the very first episode shows that when he was threatened by an unknown entity, he immediately ran into a shed to load a gun, and then point it in the direction of said entity. Beware the Nice Ones: Her sweet natured and mellow personality is genuine, but so is the fiery temper she has deep down; push her too far and this girl will not hesitate to melt your brain with a literal Death Glare. Also overlaps with Beware the Quiet Ones.

Does "Beware the Nice Ones" seem ridiculous to you? Does this seem like something someone just made up for the sake of ships or to copy El's traits onto Will? If you want to get logical here, Will's example came before El's did in the show, not that it matters because IT ISN'T COPYING, it's just similar.

Heroic Sacrifice: His D&D character, "Will the Wise", performs a heroic sacrifice during their game in the first episode, a fact which Mike uses to convince his friends to continue the search for Will even when it gets dangerous. He was also willing to die in order to close the gate on the Mind Flayer. Heroic Sacrifice: In "The Upside-Down", El, already exhausted from repeated use of her powers to protect Mike, Lucas, and Dustin, finds herself faced with the Demogorgon about to kill her friends. In response, she pins it against a wall before disintegrating it, but seemingly dies herself in the process. She's Not Quite Dead, though, and returns in Season 2.

They both made a pretty important heroic sacrifice, thinking they were giving up their lives to help their friends and family. Are we gonna pretend like they DIDN'T do that? Even Hopper has his heroic sacrifice moment. We gonna pretend like he didn't because it'd be "copying El"???

Daddy's Girl: She becomes this in Season 2 to Hopper after a year living together, some healthy, plentiful bickering, and her going "runaway-train" on him. When he ends up (apparently) dying in Season 3, she is utterly devastated. Momma's Boy: If having your head screwed-on enough to survive what he goes through, partly thanks to how Joyce has raised him to keep going in a physical and emotional crisis by seeking support, is being a Momma's Boy, then his dad is right.

Season 2 played these tropes so clearly. Every scene that Joyce had with Will was pretty much mirrored with Hopper and El. You know what happens right after that scene where Joyce catches Will in a lie, gets him to confess, and has him crying in his arms? It switches right to Hopper being the opposite of Joyce and not handling the situation well, resulting in El tossing stuff around and crying in her room.

Even at the end of the season, we get Joyce hugging Will so tightly after that terrible ordeal. It's followed by El hugging Hopper after using all her strength to close the gate. Will and El are hugging their parents in the exact same way, on the same shoulder and everything. Guys please. IT'S NOT COPYING, IT'S ON PURPOSE.

Nice Guy: Even though Will spends most of Season 1 trapped in the Upside-Down, he is still shown to be an honest and kind person. Before his taking in the first episode, he admits to Mike that the former's roll landed on a seven and finished him off in their D&D game. When he's rescued and hospitalized near the end of Chapter 8, one of the first things he does when he wakes up is ask if his brother is okay when he sees Jonathan's bandaged hand. Nice Girl: She has a strong sense of right and wrong, even when she has been almost completely socially deprived for most of her life. She also lacks malicious intent and does her best to help and protect her friends, though she goes overboard a couple of times.

If anyone tries to argue Will and El aren't good sweet kids and that this is just "copying El", then you're just straight up completely wrong. They've always been nice, good, and sweet. BOTH OF THEM. Yes, they have their moments, but so does literally everyone else.

The Quiet One: Not to the same extent as El, but he's definitely on the quiet side. The only times he talks at length are when he's around his closest friends and family or when he's being asked about the Mind Flayer; otherwise, he usually hangs back and lets other people do the talking. The Quiet One: Given her upbringing, she's a quiet girl, usually talking only when spoken to and during times of conflict, often preferring hand gestures to get her point across. She's more vocal in Season 2, which in no small part seems to be due to being around Hopper for nearly a year and picking up a lot more vocabulary from him. By the beginning of Season 3, Eleven can talk like a normal girl her age, though she tends toward the terse side, and she sometimes struggles with pronunciation. However, she struggles to articulate herself when stressed, and nearly becomes mute when interrogated by police in Season 4 which… does not help her case with them.

Like... come on. Are you really about to pretend like Will and El aren't the super quiet ones of the group??? You really think this is just "copying El's traits onto Will"??

Trauma Conga Line

Not even gonna copy and paste that one, it's two long for both of them and UNDENIABLY TRUE FOR BOTH.

Unwitting Instigator of Doom

Another undeniably fact that they both caused some oopsies with the Upside Down shennanigans. First it was El. Then it was Will. Then it's El again in season 4. Who knows, maybe it'll switch back to Will again. Either way, IT APPLIES TO BOTH OF THEM and HAS applied to both of them since at least season 2.

For now, I will leave it there. I did not include all of them, nor do I feel inspired to compare the tropes that are very similar for the sake of this essay. I did it in the past and maybe I'll do it again in the future.

It's not a theory that they're similar. It's not something fans are doing because "misogyny" or "because ships". It's literal. It's official. This from the Duffers:

In the episode, Will unveils his painting from Volume 1 and explains the complexities of El and Mike's feelings for each other. To Mike, he's talking about Eleven (Millie Bobby Brown), but for Will, Jonathan (Charlie Heaton), and the audience, we can see that he's also talking about himself. The Duffer Brothers both wrote and directed these final two episodes, and through this scene, in particular, they use a variety of camera angles to create a sense of duality on top of Will's speech.

source: https://collider.com/stranger-things-season-4-will-byers-speech-car-scene-sexuality-duffer-brothers-comments/

Ignoring the shipping aspects of this (for the love of god PLEASE focus on the characters here), they are creating a duality between Will and El on purpose.

Will and El are MEANT to be similar, yes, even down to their love lives unfortunately. They have similar personalities. Similar interests. They're similar people, period.

Have you all never got invested in two character who are very similar interacting with each other or forming a familial bond??? Have you never enjoyed some found family??? Do you scoff at the idea of found siblings or not-actually-twins twins? Like???

I'm so confused how you see all these similarities between the characters and what they've gone through and you come away from that thinking, "You're just coping El" or "You just don't want to support a female character". ??????????

The point of them being similar is to BE SIMILAR TOGETHER. That requires TWO characters who are not identical, but SIMILAR ENOUGH.

Will and El HAVE similar trauma because of the Upside Down and the lab. Literally Will was so tired of the tests and questioning that he begged Joyce not to take him back after he that horrible experience in the field in episode 2. Even that wasn't enough to make him want to go back to that place where El was held captive for years and experienced the same stuff. Will KNOWS what it's like.

Will and El have similar personalities. We already discussed them above. Quiet. Kind. Self sacrificial. A little bit snarky when they want to be. Genuinely good kids who easily pass as siblings raised by the same mother. What, is El copying Will now cause she got some bowl cut bangs??? Of course not.

Will and El have/had similar parent dynamics. Season 2 did not spend all that time comparing and contrasting Joyce and Hopper's parenting styles for you to be like "You're just coping El and Hopper's bond." El and Hopper's bond isn't the same as Joyce and Will's bond, it's just similar! As for Hopper and Will, in season 1 and season 2 we saw Hopper step up as a protector and savior for Will, but obviously it's not quite like being a father for him. Still, it was cute that he called him "buddy", showed up to all their appointments at the lab, and carried him around while he was unconscious. Not to mention Will ALSO be paralleled with Sara in season 1 as Hopper and Joyce were trying to resuscitate him. 🙄. I almost take back what I said, Will and Hopper do have a connection, but it still isn't like El and Hopper's.

Will and El are BOTH tied to the Upside Down and the supernatural and have been since the beginning of the show. All of these similarities of theirs? All of it leads back to Henry Creel.

Yeah, I saw some people saying "You're copying El's connection to Henry!" Please sit down and listen.

Just because Will and Henry unfortunately met in 1983 does not suddenly erase all the events leading up to El yeeting Henry through that gate in 1979???? Do you think Will just took a dry erase board and washed all of that away???????? Don't you see how ridiculous that is???

It's CONFIRMED that Will and Henry are tied. We saw with our own eyes how El and Henry are tied. These three are a trifecta of crazy shenanigans that is finally coming to a head, but all you can think about is "They're just copying El"??? SIGH

The conclusion you should be drawing from this is not "Will is copying from El" or "Will is stealing her spotlight" or "If you like WillEl you're probably misogynist" or whatever else you're implying.

You should be realizing that Will is the backup and support El has always needed to defeat this uniquely powerful foe. Just her strength isn't enough to undo all the harm he has done. We've seen her strength and her power. It is unmatched.

But as Will once said, "Sometimes, the bad guys are smart too."

It will take more than her power this time, wouldn't be nice if you know... she had a partner who can take care of the "background noise" so that she can focus on the front lines??? Doesn't that not sound cool? Is that not a satisfying conclusion to all their similarities and parallels rather than making this about your ship wars with Michael Wheeler?

I'm asking you to think big. Think Vecna. Think plot. Think story. Think conclusions. Stop thinking small and digging your heads in the sand. You could be enjoying this story and these characters so much more if you didn't determine their worth and their story through the lense of your ships.

I'm asking people to stop saying WillEl is the equivalent of copying El or being misogynist. I'm asking people to stop using WillEl for their ships. Let them be individuals who can come together to defeat the big bad and live happily ever after with their family, friends, and loved ones.

[willel]

I think what Steve said to Jonathan in the alleyway in s1 kinda shows how the town in general views the Byers. Saying how their family is a disgrace to the entire town and mentioning that Lonnie is a screw up makes me think that they've been the talk of the town in multiple occasions and people are probably aware of how emotionally and physically abusive their dad was.

Yeah. We’re aware that there were constant conflicts at the home that apparently Hopper had to come over and resolve. (Lonnie hates Hopper)

But it’s also interesting to note that they didn’t refer to Will as “Joyce’s son”. They all call him “Lonnie’s kid”.

To me, that says they place even more blame for their situation on Joyce than they do Lonnie. Like Lonnie is a deadbeat dick, but they must view Joyce even more negatively.

[weirdo-twins]

This is a really interesting dynamic I keep trying to get my head around. 

I think a couple things are going on here: Joyce’s mental health being used against her and the way abusers so so often pass themselves off as the victims or at least equally culpable. It’s astounding how many people will know what’s going on in an abusive relationship and not believe it’s a problem or side with the abuser. 

The other police officers saying Joyce has been ‘a few steps’ from the edge for awhile now suggests to me that Lonnie passed off instances of domestic violence between them as ‘Joyce going crazy again’, him just defending himself against her, her being the instigator. Jonathan says she’s had problems with anxiety in the past - she no doubt has tons of anxiety and depression after years in an abusive relationship, but the town doesn’t view her sympathetically. They mistake her symptoms of abuse as the cause of domestic instability, just like Lonnie wanted. 

He probably isolated Joyce from everyone (as abusers usually do) so that he was the liaison between the town and his family. He got to write the story. It was Lonnie’s family, Lonnie’s wife, Lonnie’s kids. Until he decided he was no longer interested and didn’t want to be associated with them anymore.

Lonnie is a schmoozer, we see it in the way he tries to act like Joyce is the problem when Jonathan comes looking for Will, in the way he reinserts himself in their life when he thinks there’s money there, getting sympathy from everyone (including the Wheelers who out of anyone should know what he is but don’t).

I don’t think anyone knows or acknowledges that Lonnie was abusive. Steve never says anything to allude to knowing that, he just calls Lonnie a screw up. Most likely he’s talking about Lonnie not being able to hold down a job and walking out on his family. Lonnie can’t cover up his lack of success and isn’t viewed favorably for leaving, but he does seem to be charismatic enough to convince everyone that Joyce is just crazy. 

(Which would also make it incredibly difficult for her to get away from him or get any help, if the police side with Lonnie and don’t believe her, if they remember the stories about her ‘crazy’ aunt, if some of these older guys knew Lonnie’s dad and grandfather, if she’s had some public spectacles involving her mental health or fights with Lonnie that he’s spun to put her in a bad light….) 

If they thought of Lonnie as abusive, there would be a lot more sympathy for Joyce and her kids. As it is, the town seems to think Lonnie is a bit pathetic and slimy but not actually violent, Joyce is crazy and unstable, and their kids take after them. (Also queerness was considered a mental pathology until 1974, so just nine years later you can see the connection between ‘Joyce is crazy’ and how both Jonathan and Will are bullied, specifically by Steve in that scene). Basically the town thinks there’s something deeply wrong with that whole family because of how Lonnie controlled the narrative.  

It’s really insidious and traumatic and I think Joyce does not get enough credit for living through a relationship like that and doing her best for her kids. Jonathan and Will, for that matter, don’t get enough credit for making it out of that dynamic as soft and loving and kind as they are. People just really don’t want to believe abuse is happening unless they see a perfect victim and even then. 

[willel]

Remembering what sick pleasure Lonnie must’ve gotten when Joyce leaned on him for a little again in season 1 for the funeral.

How he was still trying to make her feel insecure and incompetent with “You need me here, Joyce.” “Yeah? And look what happened. [referring to the messy house and Will going missing]”

How long was he banging on the door and screaming at her from the other side to the point where she was about to bash him when a hammer as soon as she opened the door?

He’s truly awful.

[wibble-wobbegong]

y’know what’s really insane?

el feels like mike views her as a monster. mike doesn’t succeed in changing her point of view even though all she did was hit angela.

mike managed to make will feel like he was something good even when he was possessed by the mind flayer. will felt scared of himself and the thing inside him and mike managed to make him feel like everything would be okay, that what was happening didn’t make will dangerous or a monster even though he literally was. he was a superspy in mike’s eyes!

mike wheeler is INSANE.

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

Mike does for Will what El wishes he would do for her.

[flayedwillbyers]

I just know that if El was always in Joyce’s care her and Will would be lookin like this every halloween

[importantsouland-deactivated202]

hi! i just saw your post about looking for byler fics and regretting it, so i figured id share some of my favorites- hope it’s helpful, praying that this doesn’t seem weird haha :)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/40220652

one of the best season four rewrites i’ve ever read!!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/40171026

mike and will get high together and end up confessing (but really just making out, but it’s easy to skip if you’re uncomfortable w it)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/39912366

dustin trying to figure out who in the party is gay

https://archiveofourown.org/works/40080117

will finally snaps, looses his shit, and also he has powers so!!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/39511521

confession fic!!!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/39547614

the entire party bets on when mike and will are gonna get together

https://archiveofourown.org/works/39736875

mike accidentally sends will a love letter that was never intended to see the light of day

https://archiveofourown.org/works/39632409

mike and will being oblivious to the fact that they constantly make everyone else third wheel

https://archiveofourown.org/works/39716439

byler gets murray’d on christmas!!

Literally THANK YOU SO MUCH

I read all the ones that were recommended and still dont know how to use ao3 completely.

[gayofthefae]

What if Mike has known for longer than Will? What then? What if Mike knew he didn’t look at Will the way Dustin and Lucas did. What if he knew it wasn’t just because they were best friends.

I recently reposted a video of little Byler moments you probably missed and one of them was when he puts his hand on the table next to Will’s, he reaches for Will’s hand before deciding not to then hesitantly touches their thumbs together momentarily. You can have all those other moments and still be oblivious. But he had to be self aware enough there - in season 2 - to tell himself “don’t hold his hand. that looks…you don’t want people thinking things.”

So what if Mike met a really nice boy on the playground and started to have a crush on him like kids do and then it didn’t go away and then then he was bullied for having a crush on his best friend…because he did…and the bullies made sure he knew that he shouldn’t. But he did and he knew he did. But we watched as his relationship with El was simultaneous with the homophobic bullying. There was even a comment on her status as a girl that wasn’t grossed out by him. Even if just with Dustin and Lucas, even though he trusted them, he could build that reputation. He could say “yeah totally I have a crush on her” and they could tell people “yeah totally he’s had a crush on a girl”. And he asked her to the Snow Ball. He wanted to be seen with her. And he couldn’t describe why she wouldn’t be his sister so he just kissed her because she would get what he meant and…I mean now he can say he’s kissed a girl? Add that to the list? Same way he barely, awkwardly leaned in in the bathroom after being told he had a crush on her…it’s what he was expected to do and he didn’t want anyone to ask why he didn’t.

What if he didn’t think it would go as far as it did? What if he just meant for people to think they were a thing but then he didn’t know how to explain to her what to act like to seem like it was a date so he…demonstrated. And then he thought they would still just be friends and look like more and he wasn’t thinking about it and when she came back he thought they would be friends. And then she leaned in to kiss him before she left and he didn’t lean back but it was okay because they were interrupted. And then Will was dancing with a girl so he should too and she showed up which was a nice surprise and he knew she would go along and the dancing would still be nice and people could see them so he kissed her. And maybe he didn’t realize what he was doing to her or maybe he felt bad the whole time, who knows.

And then what if he felt bad because then he had to keep up the lie with her because she wasn’t in on it now like he originally thought she might. So he kisses her. And he’s late to the movies all the time so they know that he was. And he’s actually perfectly fine with not dating her, he just wants to be friends again. But…he honestly would rather stay not dating her, but he knows he should get back together or it’ll seem like he never liked her if he seems not to care so he asks Lucas how boys who miss their ex girlfriends are supposed to act. And he is racked with guilt over all of this so when Will of all people tells him it’s hurting him too that he’s lying to El, he just can’t handle it and he lashes out because please dear god can’t Will just be happy with a girlfriend or something too I don’t want to have to hurt him too. And please like girls, Will, please dear god I don’t know how to hold out as straight if you don’t. Please like girls so I can at least move on from you and not have to juggle lying to BOTH of you. And then he says “I love you” in front of everyone. And he didn’t mean it like that. But now they all expect him to tell her. But that’s too far. It’s just too far. He’ll dance with her and he’ll date her and he’ll kiss her and he’ll try to win her back but he refuses to lie to her and tell her he loves her. That’s just mean. But he’s expected to so he tries. But his conscience won’t let him. So when he finds out that she heard anyways he’s…horrified. This is further than he ever intended for it to go.

But it’s easy from a distance. Because he likes talking to her just fine. And maybe he doesn’t even notice he signs “from” when she signs “love”. Or maybe he sees her sign “love” and it hurts to know he’s not saying it back but he would still rather that than lie. And he tries to call Will but he can’t get through but he also isn’t gonna write him letters or anything because part of him knows he would sign them “love” and he just cannot confront that. But Will doesn’t call him either and that feels horrible but you know what maybe it’s for the best so he only has to juggle this lie with El. But then whoops he can’t contain it and he might have accidentally mentioned how sad he was that Will didn’t call under the thin veil of not telling him about El (but really? not even then did you call?). And Will says he was a third wheel. And he’s sorry but he has to close his ears, he can’t do this again, especially not while looking for El who’s crying. And he walks away. And he’ll apologize later, he swears, he’s just overwhelmed and confused and why is Will even jealous but also didn’t call? But then Will is upset at him for not calling more but he did. And he says “what about us?” which is a little too in his head for comfort. And he’s saying all the things Mike won’t let himself say. And he wants to say he called so many times. And he thought about calling so many more. And he wanted to write, he just couldn’t let himself. But he can’t exactly say that. So he reaches for anything close but not suspicious in little enough reaction time that it seems normal but that doesn’t land great because he says that he couldn’t write to both El and him and Will asks what the difference is. shit. what is the difference between Will and the person Will thinks he has feelings for. Did he seriously just ask that? No, he didn’t mean it like that. Obviously, they’re friends not dating. That’s the difference. That doesn’t land great either and he can’t exactly say “I can’t reach out to you, Will, because I have a girlfriend and don’t ask me how that’s contradictory but you can reach out to me don’t ask why about that either but the point is you didn’t and you didn’t know that made up rule in my head but I wish you did and I wish you had anyways” so he tries to say the closest platonic thing and then he gives up and walks away. And he feels really bad.

And El noticed the “from”. And she’s crying and he really does care about her but that isn’t what she wanted to hear and he still just can’t, won’t lie to her. not about this. So she’s crying. And he can’t say it. And he wishes he could. But he wishes he could because it was true. He knows he would never lie about that. And she says “from” in her last letter and that still hurts. Because he wishes she never did love him one-sided but it still feels like shit if she stops. But with a second to breathe, he finds…ambiguous enough…words to apologize to Will and put it right this time. And Will is smiling so big and then he’s talking about secrets and then he’s handing him his beautiful paintings and talking a little too genuinely about (El) having feelings for him and goddamnit Will you are really not helping you know that? XD. And maybe part of him wants to believe that Will made this painting for him. Okay, a big part of him, but the logical part of him knows he can’t handle it. He has to tell himself he didn’t. And Will can’t be crying because that would mean he meant what he said as his own. And he can’t. he can’t. He must be seeing things. And he’s thinking about El and he does love her and he wants to just tell her that he loves her (and hopefully have her understand how he means it) but it’s all stuttery and slow and gets interrupted anyways because he still does know that she won’t understand how he means it. That no matter what, he knows the implication and that is the lie. 

But then she’s dying. And here’s the kicker: if this is all true, Will Byers indirectly told him he loved him and it made him wanna die inside because it was just a reminder of how big of lie this next line was so he tensed and he pursed his lips and in any other circumstance he’d rather hurt her than lie about loving her but right now he’d rather lie about loving her than let her die. So he breaks the one rule he’s had about this whole situation for years. And it’s to save her. But he still feels guilty as hell about it. Because it’s still a lie. So part of him is glad they haven’t talked about it yet. He doesn’t wanna be in the type of relationship where you say I love you all the time and he has to lie like that every day. It’s already gone so much farther than he ever wanted. And he said I love you to her in front of Will. And this time, he did meant it as the lie it was interpreted as. And that just feels like lying to them both.

Because What if he’s known this entire time and is just kicking himself every day because he can’t get out of this situation without hurting people but every day he avoids it makes the hurt it would cause a little bigger. So he kicks himself every time he lies to El. And he kicks himself every time he lies to Will. And he kicks himself every time he feels bad about lying to El and spends time with Will for comfort. Because who knows if or when Will feels or knows, he still can’t handle even considering that (maybe he could do better with the whole being gay thing than he did when he was 12, but he still has a girlfriend now), but he’s known how he feels since it started. What if he’s just been knowingly in the “one way” closet for - who knows? around ten years? Just…dear god, child. Poor Mike Wheeler. What if he knows better than we thing. What if knows, has known, a little too well.

[gothmikewheeler]

ok hot take hour inspired by a takeaway from the black phone: when i said i miss when st was about kids fighting monsters, i meant it. it’s like. seeing 30 year old joe keery in a military uniform does nothing for me. if that were anyone of the kids… could you imagine the sad absurdity of seeing max and dustin and lucas in bullet proof vests, slightly too large for them, knowing full well they were fighting about a basketball game days ago. (ignoring the fact that these actors are now 18. because it’s easy to when you remember what they looked like two, three seasons ago.) it’s like. i do care about joyce, hop, and all the older teens, but i want to see the kids in hand to hand combat with some demobats. that’s so stephen king to me. it’s the idea that okay, the adults have no idea what they’re doing, we have to take matters into our own hands. we want that fear to morph into hatred and defiance, something so powerful on the face of a child. we want will byers leveling a shot gun at vecna. we want mike wheeler to punch someone, get punched right back, the force enough to knock him to the floor, but he gets right back up and wipes the blood from his mouth and steadies himself, ready to go at it again (this one might just be me). we actually apparently do get to see lucas fight jason and i hope it parallels his fight with billy and how small he was and how fucked up that whole thing was. i want that same gut punch when max we thought max was going to die, her bones snapped and her eyes gouged out. because they really still are kids, and that’s the horror in all this. i think it all comes down to el standing up to the demogorgon at the end of s1. that’s what i want. (that and the kids covered in demogorgon blood and guts pleeeeease.)