Post-Evangelical Sexual Panic

Sadie. 20s. Exvangelical. NOT a porn or erotica blog. It’s a religious and sexual trauma blog. Please treat it, and me, accordingly. Thanks.

[sadieshavingsex]

nav

disclaimer: this blog is not an advice blog. I just write a lot about my life. Sometimes the thoughts hold up and make total sense, but sometimes I look back at them like “what was I thinking?!” This blog is more for venting, commiseration, and attempting to write MY OWN sex life philosophy than trying to convince you to do anything or think a certain way. That’s not my intention! :) Please take everything you read here with a grain of salt, feel seen by what resonates, and don’t worry about what doesn’t.

about me + about the blog

exvangelical / post-purity culture resources

my posts

[sadieshavingsex]

Does anybody else feel totally freaked out by the fact that you don’t have nudes of your younger self and don’t remember what you looked like naked before you started “aging”? I’m completely serious like as my body ages I’m like I wish I could remember or know what I used to look like, like I remember being in college and wanting to document my body but being terrified of ~taking nudes~ because of ~technology stealing them~ and also because of ~church and hell~ and I’m like wow it’s so weird that fundamentalism has stolen from me a knowledge of what my body used to look like and that knowledge is now lost to time forever????? Like I wish I had memories of myself as a sexual being from that time, I wish I knew how I looked, but the opportunity to memorialize my young body with a photo was taken away by fears surrounding being good and godly etc etc. Like now I take nudes all the time to remember how I looked on this or that day, or at this or that weight, or whatever, and I just feel weird knowing I’ll likely never recall an image of what I looked like before my boobs had gone through so much change and become differently shaped, and even though I’m beautiful now, I’d sure like to have known that young girl and told her how beautiful she was and captured her beauty too. Idk

[sadieshavingsex]

this is a total shot in the dark but I feel like several years ago there was an ex Christian lit mag type thing that I think published stuff on tumblr? I can’t for the life of me remember the name and when I try to look up the concept I can’t find it. Anyone remember this or know what I’m talking about? There are relatively few lit mag/journal things specifically for ex Christians so I’m surprised I can’t find it when looking it up

[sadieshavingsex]

Wait. Solved lol. Ofc I’m following them why didn’t I try that first HA. It’s eremosjournal I think it’s more specifically ex catholic but still interesting

[sadieshavingsex]

this is a total shot in the dark but I feel like several years ago there was an ex Christian lit mag type thing that I think published stuff on tumblr? I can’t for the life of me remember the name and when I try to look up the concept I can’t find it. Anyone remember this or know what I’m talking about? There are relatively few lit mag/journal things specifically for ex Christians so I’m surprised I can’t find it when looking it up

[swagophile]

wore an old jacket i havent worn in a while and it was covered in hairs and i recognized a few of them (cus they were bright pink) belonging to a girl who i used to be friends with but stopped talking to me suddenly with no explanation and now i just feel fucked up. fucked up that that can happen. fucked up that that happens all the time

[sadieshavingsex]

just wanna make an observation that I’ve been to multiple types of 12 step groups for various things during my adult life and while I’ve enjoyed my time in most of them, there’s one where I just never really feel like I’m having a fruitful experience, like I’m not in tune with people or maybe I just can’t find a good meeting, I don’t know. Won’t name them because that doesn’t feel productive, but it’s just an annoying feeling going to meetings and not seeming to get anything out of it or connect with the people or material even though it feels relevant to me.

On the other hand, I want to shout out SLAA. I think this is sort of my home program where I’ve been to the most meetings and do the most service etc, and almost every SLAA meeting I’ve been to is really just fantastic. I’m so grateful to be with the wonderful folks in this program and I feel like people share so openly and honestly and are so supportive and uplifting of each other even in really difficult times. So grateful. Thank you SLAA!!!

[kunosoura]

I think it’s normal for people to be mad at each other sometimes even if they’re close friends or family or intimate with each other. Like I think that’s a normal and healthy part of relationships that can happen sometimes

[kunosoura]

“Why were you on Mad At Me island” because at the time I was mad at you and yet our friendship has weathered that without trouble

[tiredragedemon]

I went to Mad At You island because my feelings are my problem. I needed to stomp down the beach until I could sit and watch the sunrise. I built a sandcastle and did some thinking. Then I boarded the good ship You Matter To Me and sailed it all the way to meet you on the Let’s Talk Shore of I Love You Island.

[sadieshavingsex]

Woah. Sadie? Back to posting? In the year of 2026? It might be happening!

I ghosted this blog after getting into a relationship (kinda my mo) and it was honestly really great and pretty healthy and I wrote some stuff about sex and love and healthy relationships during that time that I wanted to share here and didn’t, so I might soon. Toward the end of the relationship I may have fucked it up (also my mo) and now I’m back reevaluating things.

Thinking about giving SLAA another whirl, back in therapy after having moved to a new place to start a writing program (if you remember this was a goal of mine, so yay!)

Looking back, a lot of what I wrote on this blog when I was most in the trenches was like, when I was undiagnosed or misdiagnosed with some interesting stuff, so I may also talk about some of my new stuff I’m working through and how I see things differently with different diagnoses or new angles. Idk if I’ll even hold myself to posting here, but I’m thinking it might be a good idea to come back especially now that I’m actually in a writing program like I wanted to be.

If anyone who follows me is still out there, how are you? I am struggling with the breakup, but still so much happier and healthier than I was when I was posting on here years ago. Damn, progress I guess!

[winged-thinged]

not saying anything new here, but I'm really stuck on how much Christianity makes you hate yourself. and I don't mean incidentally, I mean on purpose as a core component of its doctrine and practice. you're taught to have "humility," which is just another word for self-destruction (or it is the way that Christians use it), and your model for how to do humility is death. self-denial and obedience unto death, even death on a cross.

in the circles I grew up in (fundamentalist-leaning trad Catholicism), ideas like self-love and self-care were viewed with suspicion, if not rejected as outright heresies. your call was to poverty and humility, erasure and denial. taking time to take care of yourself was self-involved and sinful, and loving yourself was idolatry. you weren't supposed to be loving yourself, you were supposed to be repenting for all your flaws. you weren't supposed to care for yourself—you were supposed to care for others. it was supposed to hurt. life was supposed to hurt.

God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son down to serve the world until he died from it, and we were supposed to follow in his example.

[winged-thinged]

there was no "you can't pour from an empty cup." there was no balance. there was no give and take. everybody was called to follow in Christ's example (to sacrifice yourself for the world) (to die) and that suffering was supposed to purify you. the only strength you needed came from God, the only nourishment from the Eucharist. and if you struggled, that was your own human weakness. your cross to bear. you are the empty cup and the wine is your blood. do this in memory of me.

[sadieshavingsex]

yes. all that “die to self and live for me” stuff was literally just about erasure of self to be filled with something else that was “better,” and if we weren’t happy and willing, if we wanted to be able to have desires, to exist!, we were weak and fleshly. my journals “talking to god” were basically always just practices in using abusive language to force myself to “submit.” and then people in church had the audacity to be like “being a Christian isn’t all just fun and games, you know!” as though following Christ was ever easy, beneficial, or fun

[wildfeather5002]

I hate it when xtians reduce my religious trauma to "a religious person said something mean to you once so now you're mad at religion".

Like, shut the fuck up. My trauma isn't just someone being a little rude to me once, it was systematic, deliberate manipulation with the threat of possible eternity of suffering in Hell if I didn't obey religious rules and "keep Christ in my heart". It was "Nonbelievers burn in a lake of eternal fire. Tell your friends to convert to our faith or they'll be damned for eternity".

I have suffered from anxiety, ocd and other mental health issues for several fucking years because of this shit. I've suppressed my sexuality and felt terrible guilt just for the 'sin' of having sexual thoughts. I've feared for my loved one's souls, genuinely believing they would go to Hell for simply not being xtians and that I'd never see them again in the afterlife.

These beliefs are sick and twisted. What I went through was sick and twisted.

I seriously don't know what to say to you if you still think telling anyone, let alone a child, that they're going to be damned for eternity if they disobey 'God's word' is totally fine and not abusive.

Know your fucking place and stop speaking over trauma survivors who have been hurt by your shitty religion.

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

forgive the version of you that didn’t know any better

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

forgive the version of yourself that knew better but did it anyway. forgive every version of yourself. we are constantly learning from our mistakes.

[oxytocinatrocities]

[unpackingbaggage]

One thing I don’t know if people outside the cult of evangelical Christianity realize is how little (some) Christians consider even their own happiness and how that feeds into their hateful treatment of others.

As a heavily indoctrinated woman I did not learn about consent. I literally thought even asking a boy on a date was a sin against God. I remember thinking I had to wait around and see who asked me out and then if I said yes to a first date I would need to marry them because otherwise I would be “leading them on”. At the very least I needed to be ready for marriage by date 3 or so.

At the same time I was taught that even while you’re dating you shouldn’t “give your heart away” or say “I love you” let alone do anything physical beyond holding hands.

After agreeing to marry that boy, I’d be under his authority forever. I did not think I would ever be allowed to refuse sex. I was ready to do whatever he wanted in all areas of life. This was what God wanted. Die to self etc.

People would ask “how can they expect gay people give up love?” And the answer is because many of them (even straight Christians) have repressed their own sexuality and personhood very deeply. I started crushing mine before it really even formed. God asked me to do lots of hard things - I was abused by my parents and church until my 30s. By the time I was an adult I’d made painful sacrifices repeatedly. This was how things were. I did not think of my own agency, I was created to serve and follow.

Many elders and pastors in my church did not even think physical abuse was a valid reason for women to get divorced. The idea that The Rules make life unbearable is not compelling enough for evangelicals to outweigh Eternal Hellfire. Of course life is unbearable, it is supposed to be.

[heyftinally]

THIS.

And also, more than likely (because most versions of it are like this), you've been practicing suffering under The Rules in every aspect of your life for as long as you've been in their system.

Growing up there were so many completely arbitrary benign things that I was expected to stay away from because they somehow weren't in line with being a biblical good girl. TV shows, books, movies, music, even toys that I wasn't allowed to engage with because they weren't up to the standards of goodness that I was expected to uphold. I missed out on so much of pop culture as a kid because it wasn't biblical to have a childhood, essentially.

And as a kid, you have no power, no frame of reference, and highly under developed critical thinking, so you're so much more likely to internalize this idea that much of the world is "bad" or "immoral", and the entire point of it is to make you suffer so the only good you find is within the religion, and thus they have the ultimate control. If everything outside of them is Bad™ and causes pain or harm, why would you leave, even when they cause you pain and harm, too? It's "good and biblical" that life hurts, and if it hurts this much to do the right thing, then doing the wrong thing must be 100x worse, right?

And then you finally get free and SO MUCH of life STOPS hurting, and it's like your entire world has had it's axis flipped 180°. And you're left to reckon with all of the time that you lost to being in pain for someone else's power fantasy, and you have to come to terms with that while trying to figure out who you even are without your chains.

[unpackingbaggage]

“…trying to figure out who you even are without your chains”

[sadieshavingsex]

Yeah. In my late teens as I got more and more caught up in religion I just stopped doing so many benign things that I enjoyed because I thought they weren’t “allowed.” No more popular music, no more bands, no more theater or acting because shows were always saying “inappropriate” things or having messages I thought the church wouldn’t support. Feeling like it was wrong to have close relationships with so many different kinds of people who might be “bad” because they weren’t Christian.

I always describe it as feeling like I had whittled my life down to the bone. There was no meat anymore. There was nothing. It was me inside the tiniest box, with no art or culture or friends or enjoyment allowed, with just that last scrap of bone that was all I was supposed to have, and it was all just meaningless suffering in the name of a god who wanted me to be “holy not happy” as they’d say, and I was supposed to somehow enjoy it. I feel like I followed hard enough that it just fell apart because at some point I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t handle gnawing on that singular bone for sustenance.

[ithelpstodream]

[myrosecolouredgirl]

Si la migra aparecen en su puerta

no abras la puerta. Estate calmado. Usted tiene derechos.

Si piden entrar, pregunten si tienen una orden firmada por un juez.

Si dicen que lo tienen, piden verlo.

Una orden de administración de ICE (formulario 1-200, 1-205) no les permite entrar a su hogar sin su consentimiento.

Si no tienen una orden firmada por un juez, usted puede negarse a dejarlos entrar

Si se fuerzan, no resistan. Dile a todos en la residencia que permanezcan en silencio.

Si usted es arrestado, permanezca en silencio y no firme nada hasta que hable con un abogado.

[unpackingbaggage]

One thing I don’t know if people outside the cult of evangelical Christianity realize is how little (some) Christians consider even their own happiness and how that feeds into their hateful treatment of others.

As a heavily indoctrinated woman I did not learn about consent. I literally thought even asking a boy on a date was a sin against God. I remember thinking I had to wait around and see who asked me out and then if I said yes to a first date I would need to marry them because otherwise I would be “leading them on”. At the very least I needed to be ready for marriage by date 3 or so.

At the same time I was taught that even while you’re dating you shouldn’t “give your heart away” or say “I love you” let alone do anything physical beyond holding hands.

After agreeing to marry that boy, I’d be under his authority forever. I did not think I would ever be allowed to refuse sex. I was ready to do whatever he wanted in all areas of life. This was what God wanted. Die to self etc.

People would ask “how can they expect gay people give up love?” And the answer is because many of them (even straight Christians) have repressed their own sexuality and personhood very deeply. I started crushing mine before it really even formed. God asked me to do lots of hard things - I was abused by my parents and church until my 30s. By the time I was an adult I’d made painful sacrifices repeatedly. This was how things were. I did not think of my own agency, I was created to serve and follow.

Many elders and pastors in my church did not even think physical abuse was a valid reason for women to get divorced. The idea that The Rules make life unbearable is not compelling enough for evangelicals to outweigh Eternal Hellfire. Of course life is unbearable, it is supposed to be.

[recomvery]

One of the most dangerous things in the world is not being able to say no to people because you don't want to upset them or dissapoint them. This will completely ruin your life in every way possible, at work, in your private life, your sex life and your friendships. It's a way of removing your own consent in your own decisions and go against your wishes, it is always a crime against yourself. Let yourself have a say. Upsetting people is better than traumatizing yourself.

[remindertoclick]

Reminder to Click for Palestine today!

Thank you for your aid!