Febriyantic

chubby cheek | februarian  | Sundanese native speaker | 354QHJ 

[saidbyfeb]

Dilemma

Aku hanya bisa diam membisu. posisiku serba bingung dan serba salah bila aku bereaksi. Ketika mendengar orang yang berjasa selama hidupku mengatakan hal yang negatif namun fakta yang pahit tentang orang yang penting di hidupku sekarang. Rasanya seperti ditusuk di depan mata. Pikiranku termangu, otakku berisik. aku harus bagaimana? aku merasa sakit ketika orang penting di hidupku dijelek-jelekan dibanding bandingkan dengan orang lain oleh orang yang berjasa di hidupku. Namun jika aku bereaksi selalu dianggap tidak mau mendengarkan dan membangkang. Bukankah rumah tangga itu berbeda-beda? Bukankah tak bisa mencocokkan kaki untuk ukuran sepatu yang berbeda? Bukankah semakin tua seseorang harusnya semakin bijak dan memaklumi keadaan yang pernah dialaminya? Mengapa menjadi tua harus selalu memaksakan kehendak seakan paling benar? Mengapa menasehati harus bertopengkan makian dan ancaman? Aku sudah cukup muak dengan terpapar emosi orang lain yang meledak ledak. Aku sudah cukup capek harus menahan diri atas situasi negatif ini sejak dulu. Aku takut aku menurunkan emosi yang buruk pada anakku. Aku capek.

[eskrimcukulat]

Remember, don't judge yourself as a toxic one. Someone said that everyone have a possibility to be a toxic person. But, toxic or not, it depends on who you interact with. With the same things or same doing, you have probability to be a toxic one and not one. So yeah, for some people you are toxic and for the others not.

[quotemadness]

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.”

— Sylvia Plath

[hellopersimmonpie]

Dari tadi scrolling akun twitter @/HipDict_ dan ketawa sendiri lihat postingan di sana 😂

[massiveanddepressive]

“Do you ever just miss how someone acted when you first met?”

-Unknown

[kujagabulanbersinaruntukmu]

Lalu, apa yang lebih dingin daripada tak diingin?

[hplyrikz]

[chuyakasim]

ZINA YANG MENJADI GAYA HIDUP

By. Ario Muhammad

“Bagaimana kamu yakin bakalan puas berhubungan seksual dengan calon Istrimu kalau gak pernah nge-seks sebelum menikah?”

Pertanyaan ini meluncur santai dari salah satu sahabat saya dari Jepang beberapa waktu lalu saat kami sedang makan siang bersama karena dia sangat tahu, seks bebas tak lazim bagi orang Indonesia.

“Saya tidak pernah berhubungan badan dengan yang lain. So how can I make a comparison?” saya membalasnya tenang.

Sejujurnya saya kaget mendapatkan pertanyaan dari dia seperti ini. Tidak pernah terbayangkan dalam otak saya bahwa hal ini akan menjadi masalah bagi seseorang jika dia tidak bisa menikmati kehidupan seksnya, maka pernikahannya tidaklah bahagia.

Kekagetan saya ini juga menjadi pertanda bahwa latar belakang yang berbeda, gaya hidup yang berbeda, nilai-nilai kebenaran yang berbeda ternyata juga melahirkan cara pandang yang berbeda.

Saya muslim, lahir di negeri mayoritas muslim dengan kultur islam yang kuat. Teman saya di Jepang tentu saja berbeda. Agama bukan lagi bagian dari hidup, seks bebas bukanlah aib apalagi dosa bagi mereka. Gonta ganti pasangan tidaklah masalah karena memang begitulah kehidupan mereka. Saya tidak bisa memaksa pemahaman saya seperti ini dalam sehari agar bisa diikuti olehnya. Begitu juga sebaliknya. Wajar jika dia keheranan soal kepuasan berhubungan seks kepada saya. Karena baginya, ini bagian terpenting dari sebuah hubungan resmi bernama PERNIKAHAN.

Dan zina adalah lifestyle di negeri-negeri barat dan tanpa agama. Karena memang mereka tumbuh dengan kultur seperti itu. Agama bukan lagi menjadi pelindung dan pengontrol atas nafsu manusia. Selama suka sama suka, bukanlah sesuatu yang terlarang bagi mereka. Entah itu lelaki sama lelaki, perempuan sama perempuan, semua sama saja. Tak ada masalah sama sekali.

Tak berapa jauh dari kampus University of Bristol, Inggris tempat saya dan Istri mengenyam pendidikan S3, ada club malam untuk Gay, di tempat-tempat umum sudah biasa orang berciuman mesra walau batas-batasnya tetap terjaga dan tidak sembarangan. Karena memang norma mereka dengan kita berbeda. Nilai yang mereka anut dengan kita berbeda. Di UK, pasangan lesbian bisa memiliki anak dari sperma sumbangan. Begitu juga dengan pasangan Gay, mereka juga melakukan hal yang sama. Maka alasan kepunahan manusia terbantahkanlah dengan cara mereka seperti ini. Kehidupan mentalnya bagaimana? tentu tidak akan sempurna sesuatu yang tidak pada fitrahnya, tapi teman saya Fissilmi Hamida ini pernah memiliki landlord (tuan rumah) pasangan lesbi yang punya skill parenting jauuuh lebih baik di banding orang tua-orang tua muslim yang pernah ditemuinya.

Lalu dengan “nyamannya” kondisi di negara barat yang menjadikan zina sebagai lifestyle, LGBT sebagai sesuatu yang lumrah, haruskan di Indonesiapun terjadi seperti itu?

Saya tidak ingin membahas soal penyebaran penyakit akibat dari perilaku zina ini. Karena informasinya sudah banyak beredar dan sudah jelas penyebabnya. Untuk itulah program-program seks sehat digalakkan di negara-negara maju yang kemudian juga disarankan oleh para aktivis YANG ANTI DIURUSI RANJANG-nya mengkampanyekan hal yang sama.

Tapi ingat para orang tua dimanapun!

Terutama kamu yang masih percaya dengan Allah dan syariat-Nya.

Kita sedang memandang wajah anak-anak kita di masa depan. Tentang ketakutan kita akan bahaya pornografi, tentang ketakutan kita akan perilaku seks menyimpang yang begitu mudah tertular, kita sedang khawatir ibu-ibu RT yang kemudian harus tertular Penyakit Menular Seksual (PMS) karena suaminya sering “jajan” di luar, kita sedang resah karena pelakor yang menghancurkan rumah tangga orang dengan dalih suka sama suka, kita sedang benci dengan maraknya tindakan seks bebas di kalangan remaja.

Ini bukan soal PMS yang bisa diatasi, ini bukan menjunjung tinggi hak asasi seseorang karena atas dasar pilihannyalah dia berzina. Kita sedang mencoba untuk saling menasihati sebagai sesama muslim. Karena agama ini nasihat [1].

Kita sedang ingin mengingatkan saudara kita diseberang rumah atau mungkin saudara kandung kita bahwa masih ada Iman yang harus kita pegang, masih ada kekuatan ruhiyah yang bisa kita perjuangkan agar jauh dari tindakan tak senonoh seperti ini.

Ini bukan hanya tentang kekhawatiran akan masa depan anak-anak kita, keluarga terdekat kita, ketakutan ini jauuuuh lebih panjang dari itu. Yang kita takut adalah saat kita sakratul maut nanti. Saat kita menghadap Allah nanti. Tidak ada kekhawatiran yang mendera begitu hebatnya selain melihat saudara muslim kita sendiri terjebak dalam pusaran maksiat seperti ini. Untuk itu kita memberi nasihat, untuk itulah kita berjuang hingga ke parlemen dan undang-undang.

Ini bukan karena saya lebih baik dan anda lebih buruk dari saya, tapi tentang saling membuka lebar-lebar tentang mana yang salah dan mana yang benar. Tentang kembali ke kultur kita sebagai seorang muslim, seseorang yang masih percaya bahwa ada aturan Allah yang harus kita ikuti, ada rambu-rambu yang harus kita jaga.

Anda mau anak-anak SMA terbiasa hamil lalu cuti melahirkan dan kembali sekolah lagi? ini terjadi di negeri Inggris yang menjadikan zina sebagai lifestyle.

Anda mau suka sesama jenis adalah hal lumrah yang tak perlu dikhawatirkan dan sudah dimulai sejak anak-anak anda remaja? ini terjadi di negara yang tak mau lagi percaya akan Tuhan.

Anda mau jika agama yang menjadi penyelamat hidup kita kelak hanya menjadi atribut tak berguna yang hanya menjadi sumber pengekang kehidupan manusia?

Kalau anda mau silahkan. Tapi tidak dengan kami yang masih ingin nafas islam itu bernyawa di tubuh dan jiwa generasi-generasi kami.

Kami masih ingin lantunan qur'an itu merdua disetiap maghribh maupun subuh di rumah kami dan anak-anak kami kelak.

Kami masih ingin semangat menuntut ilmu di sekolah selalu teriring dengan keinginan yang kuat untuk mendekat kepada Allah.

Kami masih ingin itu terjadi sekalipun kami mati. Untuk itulah kami berjuang menjaga ketahan keluarga agar tetap memiliki nafas Allah dan Rasul-Nya dari rumah-rumah setiap keluarga muslim.

Jika anda tak suka, jangan menuduh kami tak mau memperjuangkan hakmu yang kamu atur sesukamu. Kami sedang khawatir keindahan berislam itu hilang dan luntur dari akar keluarga kami. Untuk itulah kami bersuara.

Saya tidak pernah menyesal terlahir sebagai muslim dan dianggap “terkekang” dengan aturan-aturan agama.

Karena dengan itulah jiwa kami bisa lapang, dengan mengingat-Nya lah hati kami tenang. Kami tak perlu pusing memikirkan akhir pekan harus mabuk berapa lama seperti teman saya dari Romania, kami tak perlu berfikir berapa banyak uang yang harus kami keluarkan hanya untuk MENCARI KEBAHAGIAAN persis seperti rekanku dari Italia yang kebingungan mencari destinasi liburan, kami tak perlu bingung memikirkan apakah calon pasangan kita memuaskan di ranjang atau tidak karena tak pernah mencobanya sebelum menikah, kami tak perlu sibuk bekerja hingga meninggal seperti orang Jepang hanya untuk memuaskan dahaga dunia.

Untuk itu setiap orang tua dimanapun, keluarga adalah kunci dan fondasi paling awal menantang “keras"nya dunia. Jika Agama hilang dari keluarga kita, maka bersiaplah menerima gaya hidup baru yang semakin menjauhkanmu dari Tuhan.

Bagi kalian yang senang semakin jauh dari Tuhan, silahkan. Tapi bagi kami, keberadaan Allah di hati adalah segalanya. Bagi kami, menjaga anak dan keluarga kami dari api neraka lebih kami takutkan dibanding mengikuti mau manusia yang selalu berujung pada nafsu belaka.

“Hai orang-orang yang beriman, peliharalah dirimu dan keluargamu dari api neraka yang bahan bakarnya adalah manusia dan batu; penjaganya malaikat-malaikat yang kasar, keras, dan tidak mendurhakai Allâh terhadap apa yang diperintahkan-Nya kepada mereka dan selalu mengerjakan apa yang diperintahkan.” [at-Tahrîm/66:6]

Salam musim dingin dari Bristol, Inggris.

[1] Dari Abu Ruqayyah Tamim bin Aus ad-Daary radhiyallahu ‘anhu, bahwasanya Nabi shallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam bersabda, “Agama itu nasihat”. Kami pun bertanya, “Hak siapa (nasihat itu)?”. Beliau menjawab, “Nasihat itu adalah hak Allah, kitab-Nya, Rasul-Nya, pemerintah kaum muslimin dan rakyatnya (kaum muslimin)”. (HR. Muslim)

[danispratama]

Ngeri juga. Nangis di bagian ujung closing statement Bunda Elly Risman.

[jendelamerahjambu]

Yokk di nonton videonya :)

[thegoodvybe]

[womanintheword]

One of you asked about my love story, so here it is, in the form of a few small nonfiction essays I’ve written about my life thus far:  Junior year of college. Late morning. Late September. “He just texted. He’s heading this way now.” My roommate Kate invited her friend from class to go with us to Mountain Heritage Day. We walked through campus, heading for the clock tower, red faced and already sweating. A boy in a camo t-shirt and matching hat strode towards us, phone in one hand pressed against his ear and a blue drink in the other. “Tell me that’s not him,” I said. “That’s him.” “I am not walking around with someone wearing a camo shirt and hat all day.” “Shhh, he’s really nice! Trust me.” And so I did, even though I wasn’t proud of my southern roots at that point in my life, and even though this boy was wearing the one type of clothing I despised most. We waited for Matt to get off the phone, Kate introduced us, and we made our way towards the fair with the rest of the crowds to look at things we couldn’t afford to buy and then spend the only money we had on the fair food, which was the main reason any of us went in the first place. Kate and I got ice cream and Matt got a funnel cake.  “Do you want some?” he said, holding his plate out to me. I had only had funnel cake once before, years prior. It wasn’t something I would ever get for myself, but it looked and smelled fantastic, like a perfect warm summer day filled with uninterrupted sunshine and laughter. I nodded. “Can you pull a piece off for me?” I didn’t explain that I had a weird quirk about getting my hands dirty, and, luckily, I didn’t have to, because he immediately ripped a giant chunk off, dunked it into the powdered sugar to make sure it was completely covered, and handed it to me. “Can you pass me a piece too?” Kate said. “You can get one yourself!” he said. He was joking, but held out his plate to her for her to get her own bit just the same.  Looking back, this was my first inkling that he was interested in me.  “Dude, I want McDonald’s so bad,” I said. We were still eating the funnel cake. Leave it to me to not even be finished with what I’m currently eating before thinking and planning my next snack/meal.  “Mmm, that sounds so good,” Matt said.  “Let’s do it!” Kate said, swiping another piece of funnel cake off of Matt’s plate.

After I learned what a McGangBang was (a concoction involving two McDoubles and a McChicken and then squishing them all together into one giant sandwich), we picked up my pup Jake and headed to the park, where we walked for over an hour and talked about things that I think I have purposely pushed out of my mind because they were things I never would have talked about with Matt had I known I would start dating him soon after the fact. Going into the day I told myself that this boy would be just a friend, because I had never really had a guy friend before, but while walking in the park I think I knew: I felt more comfortable about this boy than any other in my life. It was different. Still, I didn’t push it. He went home after the walk in the park and Kate and I went back to our apartment, where we, after some gabbing, eventually went to our own rooms to study and work on homework. Later that evening I heard Kate squealing in her room. “Are you okay?” I shouted. “Come here right now!” I groaned. I was exhausted. Padding my way into her room, I knew something was up the second I saw her face. You know the one: the one your best friend gives you when they know something you don’t, when they’re so overly excited about something involving you that their eyes seem twice as large as usual and they won’t stop staring at you, and you think their smile might be permanent because it’s never changing for such a long portion of time. “What?” I said, my voice flat, crossing my arms. She patted her bed. I shuffled over, sprawled out, and stared at where she sat in her desk chair opposite the bed. While my room was plain and calm, hers was loud. She had pink wall stickers everywhere, writing on her mirror, stuffed animals lining the top of her bookshelf and wrapped up in the blankets on her bed. She had a giant flat screen tv and the newest video game system. I had played video games growing up with dad, Andrew, and Ames, but hadn’t played in well over 10 years. I spent a lot of time in Kate’s room making my character spin around in circles while getting shot at. Needless to say, I didn’t have the best techniques. “Guess who just texted me?” Kate flicked her eyes back and forth from her phone to me. “Lindsay?” One of our mutual friends at the time. A bad guess on purpose. I knew it was a boy from the way she was looking at me, eyebrows raised and head tilted to the side. She didn’t ask me to guess again. “Matt!” she said, her voice a normal pitch again. “Okay… What did he say?” It wasn’t a big deal that he was texting her. They had class together and had become friends. They texted back and forth most days, most of the time talking about the current girl Matt was trying to woo. Kate was his feminine perspective. “Quote: ‘Hey, I had a really good time today and was wondering… Do you know if Stephanie is talking to anyone?’” My entire body warmed, the heat traveling from my cheeks to my feet. I was ecstatic, though I tried to hide it. I’m sure I didn’t do a very good job. “Did you respond yet?” “Not yet. I wanted to see what you thought first.” “I mean… what do you think? And are you sure you’re over him?” Yeah, that tiny detail: Kate had originally had a crush on Matt, though she claimed a week or so prior to Mountain Heritage Day that she had decided she didn’t like him anymore, or rather, that she had never liked him, just the idea of him. “Yes, totally.” “Okay… because you say the word, and I won’t talk to him.” “Steph, I promise I don’t like him.” She held out her phone to me so I could see the screen and the text he sent. “Go for it.” “Okay,” I said, grinning.  She turned her phone back and started typing. “What are you saying?” I jumped off the bed and skipped over next to her so I could see what she was doing. “I’m telling him that you’re not talking to anyone,” she said, not looking up. “Because you aren’t.” “This is so weird.” The whooshing sound of Kate’s text sounded. “Well, what are you thinking? I mean, did you have fun today? What do you think of him?”  “I had a really good time. It’s weird because… I felt really comfortable with him.” I met Kate’s stare. “Like, really comfortable. That’s never happened before.” I thought back to the random conversations we had while walking through the park earlier that day and slapped my hand to my face. “Kate, I talked to him about masturbation. Oh, my God.”   She paused, jaw dropping, and began laughing hysterically. “Oh my God, you did! You seriously talked to him about masturbation.” “I’m humiliated. I’m… mortified. I can’t speak to him again!” “Yes you can. Now calm down,” she said, unable to stop or hide her laughter. “He obviously likes you if he’s asking me whether you’re seeing anyone or not.”  I nodded. “True, true. But still,” I sighed. “God, this would happen. I meet a nice boy and act totally vulgar around him the first time we hang.”  Kate’s phone dinged in her hand. She glanced at the screen, then jumped up in her chair. “It’s him!” “Well… what’d he say?”  “He wants your number.” She flicked her eyes up at me. “Can I give it to him?” “Yeah,” I breathed. “Sure.”  She typed the message out and set her phone down on her desk. I laid down on her bed, stared up at the ceiling, and thought about how just weeks prior I had declared that I was swearing off boys. That lasted a good 20 minutes, I thought, fiddling with Kate’s sheets. I had met a boy my freshman year of college, and I use the term “met” loosely because he lived in Florida and the daughter of the minister at the church we were attending at that point introduced me to him. We only actually hung out in person two or three times. Other than that, it was a total text relationship. Which is fine. It’s what I needed at the time. I wasn’t ready for anything real, but I liked having someone “there” for me, if only through text, who I could talk to. After talking to him for almost two years and having nothing much come of it (mostly my fault because, like I said, I definitely wasn’t ready), and then having an incredibly ugly falling out (also via text like 99% of our relationship), I had told myself that I was going to stop trying to find a guy and was going to “let go and let God” as they say and was going to trust His timing. After all, if it was meant to be it would be.  And boy was it meant to be.  I got lucky, I will admit. Many people have told me this, my sister most recently and most often. Matthew was the first boy I ever really dated. He was my first real kiss. My first romantic love. My first… well, everything. And I his. We both got lucky. We both are blessed.  My phone went off in the other room. Kate and I looked at each and grinned.  “Yeah, you might want to go get that,” she said. My feet couldn’t carry me fast enough. I snagged the phone off my desk and jumped onto my bed, landing face first and stomach down. Graceful as ever. I read the text, responded, and saved his number into my phone.  “How’s it going in there?” Kate called across the apartment.  “Spectacular,” I said, loud enough for only me to hear. 

He had spent the day over at my place, walking the pup in the park, laughing together while watching silly TV shows, and asking each other questions. We spent most of our time together in the beginning doing these kinds of things. There was so much to talk about, so much to learn about each other. And we’re still learning, because even now, years later, we are changing each day, molding, becoming different people, and so we continue to ask questions and learn about one another, about the one we will be spending the rest of our lives with. We walked out of the apartment together, the three of us: Matt, Kate, and myself. (Kate because I was still so nervous to be alone with Matt, even though I was getting good vibes from him and trusted him more than I had trusted any other guy before that point. Sometimes having a friend nearby can calm the nerves better than anything else.) Kate walked several feet behind us, and then several yards. “I’ll text you later,” Matt said. “And maybe see you tomorrow?” “That sounds good,” I said. “This was fun. I love spending time with you. I really like you.” “I really like you too.” We hugged and I turned to walk back up to my place with Kate. I made it halfway back to my friend before turning around. I had kissed boys before, but only a few, and only ever pecks. Also, I didn’t consider any of them to be of any importance as they were either dares or I didn’t actually care about the person I was kissing. Still, I was nervous because I knew what I was going to do the second I decided to turn back around. “Matt,” I called. He turned, holding his hand above his eyes to shade them from the sun shining ferociously behind me. “Wait.” I jogged back to him and kissed him, fast. His lips were soft and he smelled like the mountains, like home. “Bye,” I said, my voice high pitched and nervous, waving like a maniac. I ran off without seeing his immediate reaction, but halfway to Kate I turned around. He was still walking but was turned around looking at me too. I smiled, waved again, and kept jogging until I reached Kate. Our first kiss, and it had been perfect.

The night Matt asked me to be his girlfriend, we went to a Greek restaurant in Dillsboro, two towns over from the University. Before we left the apartment I shared with Kate, she took a picture of us standing by the door and we joked about how she was my stand-in mom and Matt was the guy taking her daughter out. I still have the picture: me in a black shirt with a gold, detailed tree on the front, and a red jacket thrown over top, Matt sporting a blue shirt under a blue and white plaid flannel, both of us wearing matching cheesy grins, and his arm around my shoulder. There’s another picture from that night, of me with a wine holder that stood in the corner of the restaurant where we waited to be seated. It’s a moose lying on its back, downing the wine, and I’m standing in front of it giving a thumbs up, smiling with my mouth open. The photo is blurry, probably because Matt was chuckling while he took it and couldn’t hold his phone still enough for it to focus. We thought it was such an odd decoration and were entertained by it most of the night. We’re still entertained by it now, actually. It’s still there. We point it out each time we go and remember our first time there. I ordered a tuna melt and Matt a gyro. I had gone into the night incredibly nervous, but it didn’t take long for my nerves (and stomach) to settle. Matt was wonderful. Like always, he carried the conversation, asking me questions about myself, my family, my friends, my interests, the books I was reading, the classes I was taking, and he made no comment and wasn’t at all phased that he seemed to be the only one asking questions. I prayed he knew my lack of questioning was due to my anxiety and wasn’t a lack of interest. I’m sure some people think me an egoist, but I tend to ask less questions of people in return of their questions directed at me, opting instead to observe them and learn from what they weren’t saying. For instance, someone may seem confident by the way they’re talking or by what they’re saying, but maybe they’re rubbing their hands together or shuffling their feet. We all have different quirks and tells, too. “Ready for part two?” Matt asked me after paying the bill. “There’s a part two?” I grabbed his hand and we walked out the door, past our moose statue, and towards his ‘96 Ford Explorer. It was my first time heading towards the Jackson County Airport and “The Lookout” (as locals had dubbed the area further down from the airport where you could pull off the road onto a small patch of grass on the side of the mountain). The roads, like most of the ones here in Western North Carolina, were skinny, windy, and a straight shot up with the edge of the road doubling as the edge of the mountainside. We drove up to the airport, a small airfield about three miles from town that sits on a ridge, and used the entryway as a turn around to get back to The Lookout, where Matt pulled off the road and onto the side of a mountain and I tried not to have a panic attack. I zoned back in from staring out my window as Matt opened my door for me and held out his hand. We could see for miles. We could see everything: the forest, the University, my apartment, the Fraternity house Matt was living in. It was all lit up, trying to keep up with the moon and stars above us. “So this is part two,” I said, turning in circles looking up at the sky and the world around me, feeling very, very small. “Almost,” Matt said as he opened his trunk and pulled out a blanket and some candies. “I brought this,” he said, holding up the blanket–blue and white, I saw now, with sheep on it– “in case we get cold, and these,” he held out the candies, “because I know they’re your favorites. Junior Mints, Sour Patch Kids, and Swedish Fish, right?” “Yeah,” I said, smiling like an idiot. He put the blanket and candies down and we walked to the edge together, where I was reminded of the first time I had a panic attack (also on top of a mountain) years prior, and thought about far I’d come. Look at me, standing feet away from the edge of a mountainside, not completely freaking out. (I would have started to though if I could see future me sitting on the edge of a rock face that juts out from the mountain thousands of feet up, smiling and swinging my feet.) “You know, there’s this study,” Matt began after we stood in silence together for a minute or so.” “Uh huh?” He turned me around so I wasn’t facing him and trailed his fingers in circles all over my back. “That only a small percentage of people can actually figure out what someone is saying to them when it’s traced onto their back.” “Mm, I used to love doing that with my friends when we were kids.” His fingers began tracing. I tried to focus more on what they were saying rather than how good the tingles felt and how they traveled up and down my entire body. “W,” I said, when he was finished with the first letter. “Yes.” One straight line down followed by two horizontal lines, one at the top of the original line and one on bottom. He was writing in all caps. I shivered in pleasure. “I.” “Mhm.” One vertical line and a horizontal one stemming from the bottom of the first, the whole thing repeated right away. “L. Twice. Will?” “Correct!” He traced just a horizontal line and said, “That’s a space.” Y - O - U - space - B - E - space - M - Y - I knew the last word before he began tracing it. I had known the second he finished the second word in the question. His hands became more and more unsteady as he was further into the sentence. He even “erased” a letter or two that he had messed up by rubbing his hand, open faced, all across my back. G - I - R - L - F - R - I - E - N - D - ? He paused, waited. “Girlfriend,” I said. “Will you be my girlfriend?” I turned around to face him. “Stephanie Cheryl Wooten,” he said. “Will you be my girlfriend?” I let myself have a mini freak out session in my head before saying, “Yes.”

We were making macaroni and cheese and dancing in the living room while the water boiled. Matthew and I had been dating a few weeks, and he had already told me, “I love you.” It was the middle of the night. We had stayed up kissing and talking and keeping each other warm in between the sheets. After he said it, I told him that I really liked him, and that I thought I was on the way to love, but that I wasn’t ready to say it yet, to which he understood and held me until I fell asleep in his arms. While we were dancing together though, with the water boiling in the next room and our feet sliding across the carpet, I looked at him and I knew: I love him, I thought to myself. And I think I had loved him for some time. I just wasn’t ready to admit it to myself yet, or maybe it was that I had never been in love before–not this kind of love, anyway–and I didn’t know that was what I was feeling. “Come on,” I said, pulling him into my room by his hand. I closed the door so Kate wouldn’t hear what I was about to say. It was a private moment, just between Matt and me. “What is it?” he said, laughing, breathing hard from all the dancing. “I love you,” I told him, taking both of his hands in mine, lacing my fingers through his, and squeezing. The outer corners of his eyes pinched together as he smiled down at me. “I love you, too.”

Two years and nine months after Matthew asked me to be his girlfriend, we went out on one of our typical “date nights.” Our friends and family made fun of us, dubbing us the “old married couple.” Which we were, kind of. We spent most nights together, and most days. We ate together, walked together, made love together, fought together, laughed together, played board games together, watched TV together, went to the movies together, jogged together, cried together. We were going through life together, and even if it was only for a short time, I was ineffably happy. “Where are we going?” I asked Matt as we walked to his Ford, dressed up in our summer clothes. “You’ll see,” he said, opening the door for me. When we passed the town of Sylva, I began to have an inkling as to where he was taking us. I waited until we got closer, until we passed the place where you could paint pottery, to make sure my inkling was more than that. “I knew it!” I shouted as we turned left when we were across from the Jarrett House and pulled into the almost full parking lot. “No, you didn’t!” “Mhm. I did. You’re so predictable.” “It’s our place, though.” He cut the engine and jogged over to get my door for me. “Thank you.” “You’re welcome. I love you,” he said as he laced his fingers through mine and we started up the ramp to the front door. We talked about the moose statue, per usual, while we waited to be seated, and eventually wound up choosing to sit outside on the patio rather than to wait much longer. It was warm out and the patio was screened in. I ordered the same thing I did on our first date there and, just as the first time around, it didn’t live up to my expectations for it. “Why do I keep ordering this every time? It’s never as good as I want it to be.” “I’m putting a note in my phone,” Matt said, whipping his phone out of his pocket, “reminding you to never order this again.” He chuckled at me, put his phone away when he was done, and then looked at me like he always did, like he still does, like no one ever has before. It’s a look reserved especially for me, I know, and it makes me feel like we’re the only two people left in the world. I had a feeling this was the night: the night Matt would propose to me. We’d talked of it often together, talked about what our life with one another might look like. Plus, Matt had dressed much nicer than he usually did, and he was much more fidgety. I could tell he was nervous about something. We ate on the patio, surrounded by others whom we gave stories too. “Couple behind you and to your left. Guy is in the green shirt and girl in white dress.” I snuck a peak behind me. The couple in question didn’t look much like that. They were young, around our age. The girl was on her phone, presumably texting someone else while she sat across from the boy, who looked around the restaurant like a pendulum, back and forth and back and forth, anywhere but the girl sitting across from him. “First date,” I said, turning back around. “Or… Maybe hundredth date, and now they’re bored. Or in a fight. Something’s going on there. She won’t look him in the eye.” Matt nodded in agreement as I scanned the patio. “All right,” Matt said, putting his napkin on top of the food he couldn’t finish. “Are you ready for part two?” I lifted my sweaty glass to my lips and took one last sip. “Ah, yes. Always.” Once we passed the new Health and Science building and turned onto the familiar windy road, I knew: he was recreating our first date. “The lookout?” I said. He squeezed my hand, his warming mine, and grinned, his smile warm like the rest of him. We were quiet most of the ride up there, the silence a comforting one, like the feeling you get when you sit down in your favorite chair early in the morning with coffee and a well loved book. The view was the same, but different, mostly because we were different. I was different, and so while the view hadn’t changed over the past two and half years, my view had. We look at things differently at different stages in life, I think. It’s like I can read a book and have a very specific experience, and then read it a year or maybe even five or ten years later, and because of all the different things I’ve gone through and felt, because I’m a different person than I was one or five or ten years prior when I first read the book, the second time will be completely different. And I’ll get something different out of it. We parked and stood together at the edge of the mountainside, and I looked up at the stars and crescent moon. We listened to the crickets and frogs and stood still, enveloped around one another. “Do you remember that study I told you about the first time we came here?” he said, turning me away from him. “The one you made up? Yeah. Why?” “I’ve got another one for you.” He began tracing the letters. The first few words were the same: Will you be my… W - I - F - E ? I turned around to Matthew down on one knee, holding out a black velvet box with a ring I had pointed out casually once in our local jewelry story in it. “Stephanie Cheryl Wooten,” he began. “I know I’m not perfect, and I know we have our disagreements, but I love you to the moon and back, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?” I was tempted to be cruel and say No but then really quickly after say yes, just to mess with him, but I didn’t want to give the poor man a heart attack. “Yes,” I said. “Yes.” He reached for my hand and slid the ring onto my finger, then rotated it side to side, admiring it on me. The diamonds shined almost as much as his eyes when he stood up and looked at me. Those summer sky blue eyes that had me the first time I saw them that October in 2011 at Mountain Heritage Day. I never would have thought that I would be engaged. I never thought I would ever get married, or even fall in love. I had been hurt so much by someone who was supposed to love me, who did love me, in a weird way. But then, I knew how blessed I was. I thought about the day God created us both. Did He know we would find each other? Was this His doing? One thing was certain: whether it was all God or our free will that led us here, I was grateful. Matt has the best heart. He takes such good care of me. We take care of each other. And he’s a Godly man, which I love most of all, because we lead each other closer to God each and every day. I mean, I get to hike and snuggle and read and build blanket forts and watch movies and eat good food and read and talk about the Bible and God with my best friend for the rest of my life. I am so incredibly lucky. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jesus. I love you to the moon and back too, Matthew.

[saidbyfeb]

Hati-Hati

A : Hati-hati sama laki-laki yang bisa membuatmu menangis.

B : Bukankah itu menyakiti?

A : Aku belum selesai, hati-hati sama laki-laki yang bisa membuatmu menangis karena bahagia. Bahkan membuatmu bersyukur hanya dengan mengenalnya.

B : Kenapa?

A : Karena mungkin dia calon suami yang baik.

B : Mungkin?

A : Iya.

(C)kurniawangunadi

[duniajilbab]

Hadirnya tanpa kusedari, Menggamit kasih cinta bersemi. Hadir cinta insan padaku ini, Anugerah kurniaan Ilahi.

Lembut tutur bicaranya, Menarik hatiku untuk mendekatinya. Kesopanannya memikat di hati, Mendamaikan jiwaku yang resah ini.

Ya Allah Jika dia benar untukku, Dekatkanlah hatinya dengan hatiku. Jika dia bukan milikku, Damaikanlah hatiku Dengan ketentuan-Mu.

Dialah permata yang dicari, Selama ini baru kutemui. Tapi ku tak pasti rencana Ilahi, Apakah dia kan kumiliki.

Tidak sekali dinodai nafsu, Akan kubatasi dengan syariat-Mu. Jika dirinya bukan untukku, Redha hatiku dengan ketentuan-Mu.

Ya Allah,, Engkaulah tempat kubergantung harapanku. Kuharap diriku sentiasa di bawah rahmat-Mu. -Permata Yang dicari- By: DeHearty . . Kontribusi oleh @fadilazahra

[duniajilbab]

Selalu istiqomah dan jaga diri ukhti..^^ . “Dan janganlah kamu mendekati zina; sesungguhnya zina itu adalah suatu perbuatan yang keji. Dan suatu jalan yang buruk” (QS. Al Isra’: 32) . Kontribusi oleh @nonanonemuslimah

#quote #hijab #muslimah #draw #drawing #art #doodledakwah #doodle #kartunmuslimah #190116

[saidbyfeb]

Tak perlu tau seberapa banyak aku mendoakanmu dalam sujud malamku, Tenang saja biar malaikat yang menghitung dan Tuhan mengiyakan isi doaku.

nuruuzziah

[saidbyfeb]

Seharusnya Kau Tau, Aku Tak Mau

Kau tak perlu repot untuk berjuang, kau jangan lelah. Bukan diriku tak menghargai satu saja pengorbananmu, namun apa boleh dikata atas nama cinta, ragaku bisa saja mengangguk mengucap iya, namun jiwaku tak seirama. Hatiku berkata lain, ada yang berbeda ketika dirimu mencoba meraih rasaku dengan caramu sendiri. ampuni perasaan hatiku yang tak mau diajak menyatu.

Jujur saja, harus aku utarakan semua sebelum kau dan aku sendiri terluka. Kau akan terluka di masa yang akan datang cepat atau lambat, atau aku yang tersiksa karena perasaanku sendiri yang tak mau menerima keadaan. Perlahan kuberi kau tanda, agar kau sendiri tak berharap. sudah berapa kata yang ku tegaskan, beratus kali. maafkan, maafkan atas kata kata yang tak pantas. tubuhku yang melakukannya dan bahkan hatiku seiring dengannya.

Sudahlah Bung, Cinta itu datang dari Tuhan, cinta adalah ketulusan dan kesucian. Sering aku mencoba, menyadari, menerka apakah aku memang harus mencintaimu atau tidak, namun rasanya. Tuhan tak memberiku sedikit saja perasaan bahagia pertanda cinta itu di dalam hatiku. Sayang sekali, aku tidak bisa.

Kata orang, cinta itu akan hadir seiring berjalannya waktu dan banyak pengorbanan. Barangkali saja benar, tapi aku sok tahu, sepertinya Tuhan mengkhususkan untuk tetap tidak memberi rasa yang berbeda dengan rasa yang sekarang. tidak ada perasaan cinta yang tumbuh, bahkan tidak sama sekali tertanam.  Yang ada hanyalah sekujur perasaanku semakin enggan, maafkan aku.

18/12/2015

0:04

JTR

Nuruluzziah

[saidbyfeb]

Itu tuh ada yang jatoh dibawah, Jatoh hati, ea ea eaa huehuehuee 😂😘😄😂😁 Dark Blue Khimar by: @cale.zone

[kotak-nasi]

Ibumu pasti tengah rindu. Anak gadis kesayangan, bertambah dewasa tanpa duduk di sebelahnya. Tapi, kamu juga pasti tahu, jarak tak ada artinya untuk do'a-do'a; do'a ibumu terutama.

(via kotak-nasi)