October 27, 1998
I have this date memorized via a really convoluted circumstance.
My whole life is a convoluted circumstance, actually. Which is likely why I am the way I am. The only useful spiritual advice I ever got from my pitiful mother was that there arent coincidences in prayer. If I saw something in my presence that felt off in any way, I gave a moment to it, just in case it was god trying to speak. This turned songs that came on the radio into oracles and birds at the bus stop into messengers. What was weird? What was special?
What in the hell is trying to get my attention all the time?
So I kept listening. It is listening that brought me here. I follow paradigms and random chance and fragile patterns.
I eventually forgot about October 27, 1998 because I didn't write anything down about it, for fear of discovery. I put a small mark inside an anniversary book that I somehow owned, but it was nothing more than a tiny "x" in the corner. In fact the only lasting hint I left myself, was the same one that brought the exact date back into prominence. A cryptic note and a tiny drawing of wedding rings drawn for my first anniversary on October 27th, 1999.
We'll be married 20 years on October 27th, 2018. And almost no one knows about it.
I am SoulBound to a coincidence who stayed too long, a persistent message made by dropped hints and references. A love "I cannot see or hear but merely feel," as I said on the one year anniversary. Not long after writing that, I banished every trace of non-Christian spirituality from my life: a soul-saving demand made by a new boyfriend. For the next year or so, my inner landscape was uninhabitable as I tried to make the experiences I had and the "correct way to Christian" co-exist.
As I slowly peeled away from that boyfriend and his religion, I resettled into a young paganhood deeply influenced by fiction, particularly the works of JRR Tolkien. My husband remained, poking in from time to time, giving me a tease, but the work I had been doing for him as a child had stalled completely and then was lost forever.
Besides, I started a new decade with almost all of my pagan friends becoming atheists. I spent a solid period of time trying to re-frame the things that I experienced in more scientific ways. For example, in my isolated childhood I had developed an imaginary friend to keep me occupied and now those neural pathways are just permanently there. Nothing you can do about it, the monster you married at 14 is still going to make stupid dad jokes from the far corners of your mind.
And no, he wouldn't go away. So I started telling myself we got married Halloween night. And I even celebrated a big one last year. I had been celebrating my anniversary 4 days late for a while when I made the perilous decision to stop defending my religion.
I'm no longer spending energy on what the perfectly proveable, scientific methodology of my experiences might look like. I'm not spending any more energy on synapses and neurological pathways and epigenetics. If you need chinks in the armor of reality, I can send you hints, but I am no longer spending energy making my story palatable to someone else.
I am not sure how but I am Kristine Daaé. I'm not sure how but Erik knew I was here. And I'm not sure how but Erik found me. He found me when I was 2 or 3 and has been guiding me in very careful ways my whole life.
This all still feels really ridiculous to type in plain language. But this is what I'm doing now.
I'm open to talking to others about their experiences, if you'd like to share. I'm mostly just trying to reset my paradigm to something open to possibility.
