Fermats last damn theorem @saltwaterain - Tumblr Blog

Weird

They called me weird

And I was like "oh no, I'm outed. I'm not normal"

All I wanted to be was normal

This is a death sentence feeling in my youth

It was a really troublesome feeling

I met new people, try to fit in

But I would never fit in

Then I grew older

Met some people who proclaimed "we are weird"

And they loved themselves

I thought I could finally "fit in"

After all, people said I was weird

And I really wanted to love myself too

So on the last realization

I was not the same kind of weird

I still felt so alone

I am never going to fit in anywhere

I am never going to feel true belonging

The more I tried to belong

The more I wasn't myself

Weird is just a word

Who are you calling it?

Why bother labeling yourself?

How can we ever be an adjective?

We do things described by adjectives.

Finally I stopped caring

I am me!

machine learning senior capstone

embedded systems

computer architecture

I am almost ready to graduate: UW ECE BSEE ‘19

If anyone is still on here, I started mooded stabilizers.

My health issues are spiraling out of control. My life gets better, I make even more progress towards my goals, and my health is still declining.

It’s not fair.

I did everything I was supposed to do to make depression go away.

How can I still feel so worthless and suicidal?

How can I have achieved so much, feel loved by friends, feel hopeful for the future, and still feel sometimes surprise myself with suicidal ideation?

I don’t think life is fair.

I always knew that. I always felt that.

saltwaterain

And so it wears off...

I can only remember a few months ago-or was it december?- that I sat on the kitchen counter with a cheap cup of lemonade with some splash of vodka.

And I thought to myself what it would be like if I went to beer-pong-binge-drinking parties. I’m sure there’s some novelty to it. I ask my boyfriend “What’s that like?” only to remember the only photos I’ve seen of him at those were alone in corners with his second-to-least favorite beer.

I can’t be missing out. After all, he isn’t. There’s a reason I haven’t been to any: I simply don’t belong.

At this time of life it isn’t my nature. Why couldn’t I see the thousands of things more satisfying? So shameful to admit, I was, but not anymore.

I do not long to jump up and down in a crowd of people I hate along to music I despise even more. I will not contribute to an industry of music catered to people who only want to get fucked up. Music has given too much in my life for me to treat it that way.

Because I am more than that. I am more than a young adult that wants to get wasted. There are so many more things to do and experience. There is so much more on the deep end I can’t even explain how unsatisfactory it is in shallow life.

Like a release from the ward, I can not feel the impulses, and I am free.

saltwaterain

I’m still 16 year old me

She was ahead of her time tbh

zoe-rivass-deactivated20170104

You’re allowed to want to kill yourself, but you’re not allowed to do it. You’re allowed to fight with your mother, but you’re not allowed to to leave her crying on your bedroom floor. You’re allowed to miss your ex boyfriend, but you’re not allowed to say the scars all over your arms are his fault. You’re allowed hate the girl who almost got you suspended, but you’re not allowed to tell her that the world would be better off without her. You’re allowed to stand on the edge of that bridge, but you’re not allowed to jump. You’re allowed to be mad at the world, but you’re not allowed to blame it for the state you’ve put yourself in. You’re allowed to be sad, but you’re not allowed to give up.

it’s going to be okay (via unlively)

analife

Teuta Matoshi Duriqi // Haute Couture - Spring 2018

IF you ever asked me if you could kiss me

The answer is no

And if I said sure

I hate you more than I hate myself

How can I expect for people to care about me deeply when too many people honestly care about nothing deeply?

omg i got above average on my digital logic midterm i didnt feel like studying for

now to crank out my c program, go to class, disco nap, and “celebrate life” again :)))))

hyrude

tell me why this budgetless gay youtube series made for fun by a group of friends has the best editing and writing of anything i’ve watched in a year.

also tell me how this single scene can contain every single one of the top three most iconic lines in history.

I grew up really fast and I don’t regret it

Fuck being a child, fuck being a teenager, fuck being broke stupid dumb naive