Let It End

Fight for each other. Love each other. Don't fall for the trap. Don't fall into what is easy.

[saltycrispycrunchychickennuggets]

I post a lot of rants and random thoughts, treating this like my diary.

Why?

1. To help me vocalise my thoughts

2. So I can remember what I think and feel. My memory is really bad and I want to be able to remember parts of myself.

3. For future reference with a therapist, fingers crossed 🤞

4. In case things don't work out, some of my thought processing can be seen by people to help with understanding.

5. Idk I just started doing it and now I keep doing it. Honestly I think its fine because it's better than nothing and it's better than ending my shi. So yea

Anyways... 😁🔫

[saltycrispycrunchychickennuggets]

The loss of motivation and interest makes existence really hard when nobody needs you. What is the point right now? And what about later on when this is the norm. Does home stunt me?

I feel empty and worthless.

[saltycrispycrunchychickennuggets]

I feel so incredibly lonely and isolated. And even though I have a few friends who I could reach out to, I can't get myself to. I feel guilty. I feel guilty even just asking them to call. Because who wants to spend time with me.

I don't even fully know what is stopping me from asking to talk about literally anything. I just don't want to feel alone. But I can't.

Why am I like this? I hate summer. What am I supposed to do when I graduate college? I will be all alone then and just meaningless.

I don't want to live past college. It's the only thing that gives me meaning anymore.

[saltycrispycrunchychickennuggets]

My birthday is coming up and I am miserable thinking about it. The negative thoughts invade my brain constantly and plague my sleep.

I hate my birthday and holidays with gifts because it's a annual reminder that no matter what others say or what I tell myself, I am alone and I don't matter. I'm an inconvenience.

People love the idea of me but not enough to actually know me.

[saltycrispycrunchychickennuggets]

Why does she always call when I am finally starting to feel somewhat okay?

Everytime I finally get somewhere and make forward progress, she calls and sends me back further than I was before.

It's like a sick game

[saltycrispycrunchychickennuggets]

I just want to be wanted, is that too much to ask for? I put aside so much for you, but you can't even say that you want me around. You can't even tell me to leave. Please just tell me what you want from me

[saltycrispycrunchychickennuggets]

No one really needs me. They just want me.

[saltycrispycrunchychickennuggets]

I'm not quite sure how to explain this, but I don't have memories of my life. I have some memories, and then others are recorded in some shape or form, but none of them feel like me. I look back at a photo from a few months ago and I dont recognize that person as myself. It's weird and it hurts and it makes me mad and I hate it.

It's like every time I go back home from college for a bit, I shed my current character and start a new. She is similar in ways, different in others, but the one consistency is the fact that she doesnt remember who she is.

It feels like a sick joke.

I continue to survive, but I lose more and more as I force myself to push on because that's what others want.

It's a sick sick joke.

[saltycrispycrunchychickennuggets]

I feel guilt. Always.

And this started a spiral. Because I realize one main factor of that guilt is stemmed from the secret I use to get myself out there and meet new people despite my social anxiety. I convince myself by saying I want to build the roster for my funeral. The more people I meet, hopefully the more at my funeral. And I don't quite know why I want so many people there other than to see that I was loved, but I wouldn't see that. I feel guilt because every friendship I'm in began with the dream of them crying over my death. But at the same time these are the people preventing myself from reaching that death early. Its a stupid cycle.

But it doesn't end there because then it made me think about how I over share. I wasn't sure why I did until I was thinking about the fact that I wanted to share this with someone. Thats when I realized that I over share because I want people to know me, try to understand me, and most of all because I want them to remember me. I don't want to be forgotten. I fear being forgotten.

Which led to why am I scared of being forgotten, and I realized the I want to be remembered after my death. Thats why I want to build the funeral roster, thats why I over share. I just want to be remembered. And I think its because if I am remembered then I did something worthy of being remembered. And that would mean that my existence, all my pain, everything i lived through would be worth something. I just want to be worth something.

I just want to be good enough. I want to be worthy. I want to make an impact. I want to be someone worth remembering.

How pathetic...

[loudcycletaco]

You did exactly what I was overthinking about

[xvelvetcoffinx]

Me: it is what it is

Also me: *crying because I hate the way it is*

[daddystinygirll]

when someone notices my sad eyes but im forever grieving the person i couldve been if i wasn’t mentally ill

[itsemobunny]

I hate having a body, it's so high maintenance. Shower this, eat that, drink this, sleep that, it's all very stupid.

[mentallyunstablebaddie]

The feminine urge to slam your head against the desk untill blood is all over it

[xvelvetcoffinx]

backshots this, backshots that, i would like to be taken out back and shot

[speakingspirals]

[saltycrispycrunchychickennuggets]

I am not okay I feel like a terrible person and a terrible friend. I want to disappear so that i can stop torturing others. I hate my existence. What is the point of my life. I amount to nothing. I am worthless. I am stupid and mean and weird and special in a way that people are tired of me. I am ugly inside and out. I will rot in hell and I will deserve it. I should just accept that as my fate because I deserve it. I don’t deserve the idea of peace even if it’s all I want. I am a monster. I am worthless and mean. I am a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad student, a bad actor, a bad director, a bad producer, a bad secretary, a bad stage manager, a bad person. I am fake and two faced. I deserve to be alone, that’s why this feeling comes. Because its what I deserve. I’m not cursed i am the curse. My existence makes everyone around me miserable and the worst part is some of them don’t even realize how terrible I am for them. When I get involved they get hurt, sick, they lose people and animals they care about, they lose themselves, I am the very thing I was scared to become. I am just another domino in a line of dominoes and the only way to stop the dominoes from falling is to jump out of the line, break the chain. If I leave then there will be no one to knock down the rest. They will be safe. They can find happiness and peace. I am what ruined the world. I am what ruined the country. I am the reason for all that is bad. It’s my fault but no one listens. They don’t believe me. I can hear it now, “so everything revolves around you” Thats not what I’m saying. I’m saying that I am not meant to be here. I was a mistake. A glitch in the system. I cracked it all. So it doesn’t revolve around me, it shatters because of me. I’m the crack at the edge that continues to spread under pressure until it completely collapses. I am a mistake. I am worthless. I wish I could undo everything I have done. Why do I have to be this way. Why can’t i just be happy. I want to be happy. I want to be important. I want to be nice and selfless and worth something. I want to be enough more than anything. I want to be ok. What do i have to do to reach that? Is there anything I can do? Is it too late? Would my death solve it? Can my absence cause healing. I am tired. I am tired. I am tied, I am tired, I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am worthless, worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worth less worthless worth less worth less worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless mistak i am a mistake i am a mistake a mistake a mistake a mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mis