An Open Letter to All Men. Please, Be Aware.
As a female who has experienced sexual assault, not once but twice, I spend a lot of time wondering when it’s going to happen again. I can still see their faces, hear them talk, remember the way they smell. It doesn’t matter if it’s been a year or ten years, that is never going to fade. They took something from me when they did this. My dignity, my trust, and my safety. It’s hard for me to trust or feel safe at all anymore.
I received broken ribs, and bruises all up and down my side. I had bite marks from my attacker and fingerprints left on my wrists from sheer force. Having someone force themselves on you and not having the strength to be able to fight back is the worst feeling in the world. Bad things kept happening and the only thing I could do was sit there and take it. I lost myself both times. I felt low both times. I kept pondering in my head, what did I do to deserve this?
The worst part, at some point, I began to feel like I actually did deserve it. I mean, it happened more than once, so maybe I was doing something to provoke it. It’s disturbing to me that I felt this way and sometimes I still feel that way, because the reality is, no one deserves for this to happen.
I am slowly trying to get back out there in the dating game. I don’t really get out much to meet any one and so the only way for me to meet anyone is by online dating. I’ve been very reluctant with this because that is how one of my attacks occurred. I receive many messages a day which should boost my confidence but most of the messages are demeaning and downright crude. A lot of the messages are about meeting up, but there is no time taken to really get to know each other before asking me out. They see my picture and they want to hook up. Let’s not pretend like we don’t know where that is going. The thing is, it becomes worse once they start being pushy, and then getting mean when they don’t get your way. Most of them don’t even try to see if from my point of view and could careless what has happened to me. They just want to get their fix in for the night.
When was it decided that we were going to skip the courting stage and taking our time with each other? Why has society made this okay? Sex is a part of human nature. I know that we are genetically designed to want and search for sex. That’s not the problem. The problem is that most who are searching do not care about the lengths they have to go to get it, just as long as they get it. It’s a scary thought to know that because it’s desired so much, it can and will outrank any other feeling or logical thought that says they shouldn’t be doing what they are doing.
The truth is, I really do want to find someone to love. I want that relationship that most everyone is searching for. I want to be able to let go and trust again, but I’m am absolutely terrified.
So, please, understand. When you talk to a girl and you can sense that she is uneasy about meeting up, don’t continue to hassle her. If you talk to a girl and she explains why she is reluctant, don’t shrug it off. If you talk to a girl and she flat out tells you she’s nervous or scared, don’t you dare try to make her feel bad. Chances are, she has either been down this road before and doesn’t want to do it again, or she has seen someone go through an assault and is scared for herself. Honestly, if you can’t put yourself in her shoes and understand all this, she doesn’t need you. You don’t deserve her. There is someone else out there who will understand and take his time with her and not just use her as another notch on his bed post.
These women are not unlovable, they just need someone willing to show them that there is a gentleman out there that will help put those pieces back together again and make them feel safe.