Soulful Passion, Passionate Soul

My journey, my triumph

[samarie12]

The Vulnerable Man

There has been a lot of discussion around toxic masculinity and the desire for men to be vulnerable with their emotions. However, I’m not convinced we are truly in support of this dynamic. As with many other social issues, Americans specifically, like to complain and shame each other, but we are quite skeptical if change actually occurs. We enjoy the process of pointing out our idea of perceived faults, but we rarely enjoy the building up and celebration of growth. It’s understandable we are a nation with trust issues, consider how America was born. We have passed down generations of skepticism of others, and rightfully so, I suppose. However, that’s a topic for another day, today, I want to talk about the possibility of supporting the growth in our men. 

I’m a feminist, but not at the cost of men. I support the celebration of women and I do not support the bashing of men. I don’t like bashing people at all, even if I don’t agree with them or believe they are in the wrong. If you need to bash another to prove your point, I question your intentions. Do you really want change or do you want revenge? I want change! 

Many men want change too. Most of my career has been focused on working with men. Working in male dominated industries of banking and finance, to leading the men’s department of a large retailer. Part of my job leading the men’s department was to connect with male influencers in NYC, goal coach male ambassadors, and host men’s events for the community. I have a lot of experience with men in settings where they were required to be vulnerable with me. I’m talking about asking deep questions of professional athletes and holding them accountable to answering me. I’ve had some of the toughest and most successful men I know cry in these sessions and share their deepest fears. We would have these breakthrough moments that would give clarity to their vision and goals. Then a week later they would have some armored IG post about their next big thing, no mention of the vulnerability that got them there. So I got curious and in my true Virgo nature, I called them up and said, “What’s with your bullshit post trying to be so tough?” And the response was always, “It’s what people expect from me. I can’t post about my fears people will think I’m soft.” And the most impactful response I ever received was, “You are right, but this is hard for me and I am not ready.” My eyes were opened to the reality that men’s capacity for vulnerability is generally quite different than women’s. 

Thinking about this in my personal relationships, I began to notice the little ways men were vulnerable. Small things that I would normally overlook, but now saw as an act of courage in expressing themselves. I started to acknowledge these moments of vulnerability. Being careful not to celebrate them, as that did not seem to be effective. However, the more I showed simple gratitude for these moments, the more vulnerable they became. It was quite a complex process to watch unfold in the men around me. I again got curious and started asking questions about how they feel when I acknowledge these moments. The general response was quite interesting. Men want to be vulnerable, but they aren’t sure how. There is no guide or role model for vulnerable men. Sometimes they are trying to imitate how women do it, but feel uncomfortable. When they are so called “sappy” it turns into a big thing for them....”oh now you want to be cute” or “aww babe you’re such a teddy bear, look at you being all sweet” or “wow where did that come from”. And if their guys hear it...”man you’re soft” or “she’s got you whipped”. These phrases are not encouraging to the men that are trying to open up. 

One of the most dangerous things we can do as humans is remove the possibility of someone’s growth. When we expect people to be a certain way, they will always fulfill our expectations. Approaching a man’s vulnerability with presence and simply accepting where they are at, will allow for growth. I’m talking about growth for our society. Where it becomes normal for men to express themselves, to show emotion, and be vulnerable. I want our men to succeed in overturning toxic masculinity. I want our men to grow and evolve to courageous leaders of vulnerability. 

So I’m asking us to be mindful of those moments with our men. If we want change, let’s give space for it to happen. I am beyond grateful for the vulnerable men in my life. The one’s that are vulnerable with ease in every situation, and the one’s that have a secret language to their vulnerability. I see you and I love you. 

Peace & love xoxo

[samarie12]

The Fire

There is a balance I haven't found A way of being I'm not sure how to be I don't even know if it's meant for me But I try and I try to fit in the world Just so you can simply see, this is me

I have this out of body experience whenever I am vulnerable. It's like I'm speaking another language, an alien to this planet, and in unknown territory. I can tell you so clearly what happened to me, why I am the way I am, what I've done to heal, but when I am authentically me I tremble. It's not the speaking of the past or how I felt growing up, it's how I feel now. Terrified, simply terrified that I will never find the balance to be understood, to be seen. 

I was born this bright little girl, with a very clear purpose from a young age. I became conditioned to the idea that my bright light needed to be protected at all costs. Never show anyone how you feel. Don't say you're scared, don't say you're mad, and never, ever, say you are hurt. Just smile and always consider your surroundings, other's feelings, and their needs. It is not safe for me to express myself, to say what I really think. After years of projected and misplaced outbursts, I've realized how damaging it can be to keep everything inside. So I started talking about how I really felt, what it was really like for me. Slowly I began to open up, but never in the moment, only about things that have passed. And even speaking of my experiences from years ago, I can become overwhelmed with emotion. 

To speak in the moment about how I feel seems impossible. I literally leave my body when I try. I feel like I am on fire and having a heart attack. I want to be at ease with sharing how I feel in the moment, but it's so tense and rigid every time. Even when I'm trying to express positive emotions, sometimes those are even more difficult to share. 

Since I've developed a habit of keeping things inside, I feel compelled to try and address certain feelings right away. I don't even take a breath, I just dive in and start sharing. As I do this, it's like a match is lit and I am burning and screaming, and just not who I want to be. Sometimes people say, you should let things breathe a moment, which sounds good, but for me feels like a bad habit. If I let it breathe, I won't ever say it. However, because I am having an out of body experience, I never actually express how I feel. It comes out like a person screaming because they are on fire, rather than what I really want to say. And then if they push back at all, I default to a warrior protective mode and I've perfected being a fierce and sharp communicator. I often end up hurting them deeply, in my attempt to protect myself. And then I'm left wondering if it's worth it to express myself. I hurt so deeply whenever I cause pain to others. I know who I am and I know my heart is kind, so it's a disappointment when I don't let that show. It's like I've betrayed myself. Just like learning dance steps, I can see them, understand the counts, but sometimes it doesn't translate to my body. 

Aligning my soul with my spirit, my heart with my mind, my feelings with my words, this is my work. I'm writing this because I believe we all feel this at times. My hope is that we find compassion for ourselves so that we may have compassion for others. That we can hold space for our feelings and the feelings of others. May we pour water on each other to put out the little fires of inauthenticity and work to understand what is in the ashes left behind. Continuing on my journey and beyond grateful for the souls that have experienced my fire, and choose to love me, even when I won't let them see me. Peace & love xoxo

[samarie12]

Three Spoons

The most impactful day during quarantine was the day I used three spoons. 

I have always been a minimalist and mindful of taking up space. To many, it seemed extreme, and yet it’s all I know. From how I pack a bag for travel; always having everything perfectly in place and priding myself on bringing as little as possible. To having nearly no furniture, trinkets, or home furnishings. When staying as a guest, often my host would say, “it’s like we don’t even know you’re here, it’s okay to unpack if you would like.” Each time I heard something like that, my stomach would drop at the thought of taking up too much space. 

Growing up I would use the same dish for everything. I would never use a bowl for salad and a plate for the main course. To this day, I make a salad and eat it before having my pasta in the same bowl. We never had a full set of dishes or matching silverware. It was all a mix of thrifted & gifted items. 

I still don’t have a full set of kitchenware, but I do have a full set of silverware, including ten spoons. Recently, thanks to quarantine, I’ve been experimenting with cooking. One of my favorites is vegan tacos. I have all the fixings; lettuce, tomatoes, rice, seitan, black beans, guacamole, dairy free sour cream & cheese. For several weeks I would make this dish and use one spoon to scoop all of the fixings, just wiping it between each scoop. Using the corner of a paper towel ripped off, and then use the remaining for my meal. One day I thought, does everyone do this? I quickly answered myself knowing that mostly, everyone does not. 

I am grateful for my mindfulness and living an eco-conscious life, however there is a deep emotion attached to this behavior that has nothing to do with the environment. 

It wasn’t until we were placed on a Stay at Home order, that I began to contemplate why I am a minimalist. I realized, my need to use as little as possible, is directly related to my need to express as little as possible. 

Most of my life, I never said how I felt and even today I struggle with expressing present moment emotions. It’s taken me over thirty years to start to express how I felt about things from long ago. 

Now that I have created a safe space, I am doing my best to let myself unpack, and fully live. So I started with using three spoons. I made my vegan tacos and pulled out 1, 2, 3 spoons to scoop fixings. And I cried and cried, because it was the first time I ever let myself use more than necessary, just so I could be a little more comfortable. In my own home, in my own space, all by myself, it was still the first time! Even as I’m writing these words, tears are streaming. I’m so excited to live and be free. 

Although quarantine might feel limiting, it’s where I’m finding my freedom. 

May we all find some freedom within. 

Peace & love xoxo

[samarie12]

The Power of a Woman

I am a woman and that alone makes me powerful. 

I have the power to choose.

I have the power to say yes. 

I have the power to say no. 

I have the power to scream. 

I have the power to cry. 

I have the power to grow.

I have the power to speak up. 

I have the power to love. 

I have the power to forgive. 

I have the power to be vulnerable.

I have the power. 

I think our world forgets that women have always had power. Even some of us women forget that we have the power. And because we are considerate and compassionate beings, we often give our power to the weak. I describe the weak as the one’s that see our vulnerability as opportunity to gain their own power. We don’t speak up because we don’t want to disrupt, and we know our voice has the power to impact everyone. We consider how it will affect our children, our friends, our family, and the men in our life. Why, because WE ARE POWERFUL! Our ability to choose what battles we fight is powerful. However, I am finding myself in a world where more and more people see this power as their way to tear us down. I am not here to tear anyone down, I am here because I have the power to forgive, the power to speak up, and the power to educate others on the power of our vulnerability. 

The story I am about to share changed my life. I am choosing to share in this way and there will be many people that don’t agree, and that’s okay, we each have the power to choose. This is my choice and my power. 

I was building a deep connection with a great man. A man I love and respect. We had not yet taken our connection to physical intimacy, so the choice to cross that boundary, was a very serious one for me, as I was considering him for my life partner. I was in shock when he did not wait for my consent. This is a great man and he just skipped not one, but two levels of consent. I remember feeling so embarrassed for him. I kept thinking, “he’s probably mortified that he acted so hastily”. That is the power of women, we always think of others first.

Terrified of my power to choose what happened next, to speak up, to exploit this situation, this great man, made a series of not great choices. Choices to protect himself without any consideration for me. His choices affected my life, my health, and even my career. 

During this time, the company I worked for was also quite terrified of my power. I had the power to expose them for their egregious oversights and mishandling of this situation and my personal information. When I went to my female boss about my concerns, with the recent news that I would be working with this man, I was told, “Just be professional, it’s not worth rocking the boat in your new position.” This was said to me by a great and strong woman, unfortunately she fell victim to the idea that we are powerless. 

I was pressured by corporate lawyers to press charges, charges that would absolve the company of any wrongdoing. Not only that, I would be forced to handle this situation in a way that I did not want to. 

I did not press charges, on this man or the company. Instead I chose to stand in my power and create change. I fought for a new handbook to be written and accountability practices to be put in place. I’ve educated many men on this topic, as I’ve found there are many great men out there that saw this situation as a “gray area”. I want the good men to know that our power as women, is in our consideration of others. If you ever want to be as powerful as a woman, start considering us, our consent, our feelings, our right to choose!

It’s been several years and since then, this man has sought forgiveness. It’s been a very long and tough road for us and I’m standing in my power as I choose vulnerably to share with him the impact of his choices. As I boldly call him out on his inconsideration. But I am a powerful woman, so I have the power to forgive and I have the power to speak up, and I have the power to choose when I do each of these things. 

To all the great men out there...listen more, consider more, and know that women have ALWAYS had the power! 

Peace & love xoxo

[samarie12]

Haunted...

They say leave the past in the past, but they never say what to do when it creeps up and haunts you. 

Haunted is the best way I can describe how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s as if the tragedies of my life flashed before my eyes and reminded me of all the pain. I experienced it all over again, in every last cell of my body. All the way down to the biting of my tongue. “Stay silent, do not add to the troubles, and fight like hell to gain control”

I think they call these moments “triggers”. I thought I had experienced triggers before, but nothing has haunted me in this way. It’s a very strange feeling. I’m experiencing everything all over again, but this time with much more wisdom. It’s like having a second chance to re-process the pain. I go back and forth between reverting to my teenage survivor self and my enlightened vulnerable self. I remember how I responded to these traumas. I walled up, I poured myself into dance, and became a perfectionist, always in control. I used people, I let them use me, and then I hurt them with vicious words. I didn’t tell anybody about it. I couldn’t even say out loud that I was in pain. I was always “strong”.

Having this blessing of a trigger haunting me, gives me the greatest opportunity I’ve ever had...I get to re-write my story. I get to cry, I get to say I’m hurt, I get to feel all of the pain. When I was younger, I couldn’t do this, things were unsafe and I had to survive. And I did! Greatly because, I was a walled up warrior. My past habits of refusing to feel pain, allowed me to survive. But now, I’m safe. Now I don’t need to worry about survival, I get to live!

“I did not survive to be untouched”

Surviving was step one, living is my next chapter. In order to live fully, I have to feel all the feels, including the painful memories that haunt me. I have to cry myself to sleep, I have to acknowledge my pain and I have to vulnerably share with people in my life how I truly feel. I’m grateful for all the tough moments that taught me courage, the same courage I use when I choose to be vulnerable. Someone once asked what scares me the most. My answer was, “holding hands”. And I truly meant that, but what I was really scared of was feeling anything and being seen. I’m not scared anymore, I’m ready to feel every moment of my life vulnerably and with an open heart. I’m ready to be seen fully, hauntings and all. 

I’m embracing this chapter and excited to have a choice in how I process my pain this time around. I’m proud of myself, I’ve worked hard to have this chapter of my life. And I’m looking forward to what’s in store for my new book of life. May we all remember that we get to write our story, we get to use erasers, we get to scratch things out, and tear out pages that no longer serve our story. Our characters get to develop and grow, and ultimately we can choose to live happily ever after. 

Peace & love xoxo

[samarie12]

Everything Else

“She is not the one. When you need easy, she will never be. A fighter with a soft smile and sharp edge…Certain things defy odds but are never the same. They grow wildly and become untamed…She’s your long way home…she is not the one, because that’s not nearly enough. She’s the space that fills in what’s missing. She is everything else.” ~ J. Raymond

Recently I was told, “you’re a lot to handle.” So many thoughts and emotions were triggered by that one statement. But ultimately, I was reminded of this quote by J. Raymond…

“I am not the one, I am everything else”

And let’s face it, everything else is a lot!

I’ve always been “extra”, never just complacent, but always showing up passionately to everything I do in life. Growing up I quietly observed those around me. I saw a lot that was “not okay”. My brain would assess a situation and I would move things around in my mind to create a sense of peace. As I’ve gotten older and gained experiences, I find a greater desire to share my knowledge. No longer moving things around in my mind, I want to share what I see with others to create a greater peace within the world. I show love and care to those close to me by offering observations that I feel may support them in growing into their best selves. I believe we need each other to gain full awareness of who we are and how we show up in this world.

As you may have guessed, this doesn’t always go over smoothly. Often, my intentions of love and care are seen as critical judgements. This is always difficult to hear because I see myself as open-minded and the farthest thing from judgmental. However, perception is reality and I must face the truth that I am not speaking the same language. So how do I translate and learn to speak the many languages of those in my life?

I want to honor the feelings and experiences of others, but I do not want to sacrifice my own self. I love the passionate being that I am, and I love my desire to help others grow. So, do I “chill out” as one person suggested? Do I “pick and choose battles” as another suggested? Both these thoughts give me a pit of inauthenticity in my stomach. I am not chill. I am not passive. I am passionate!

In the same way I want to help others be their best selves, I want to be the best version of the passionate human that I am. I don’t have to sacrifice this part of me, but rather evolve it. I want to grow into asking more questions, listening more intently, and understanding others more fully. I want to go deeper into passionately knowing those in my life and allowing them to know me. I trust and believe that through this practice of authenticity, I will become more passionate, in a way that translates more clearly to those around me. By becoming more of myself I can authentically inspire others to do the same.

May we all desire to be more fully ourselves and become “the space that fills in what’s missing.”

Peace & love xoxo

[samarie12]

Keep Going

“All great changes are preceded by chaos” ~ Deepak Chopra

I recently got in the car and ran away. I needed to be removed from my life. Without going into the details of the chaos that ensued, because the story is not in the chaos, it’s in the change, I was faced with all stable areas of my life being uprooted in one single day. I knew these areas needed attention and I told myself, “let me get through this week and then I’ll make a plan.” The conscious decision to stay in a situation that was less than authentically me caused a ripple in the universe that grabbed me by the throat and choked me until I tapped out. I tapped out of my life, I let go, I moved on, and I looked forward. I made a promise to be Authentically Me this year, and that included investing in relationships that serve the greater good. The Universe was not going to allow me to break my promise. I have immense gratitude for the power of the protection I receive, for truly knowing that the Universe always has my back. 

I called a friend and told him that I was jumping in my car without a plan and driving to NYC for a few days. His response was a clear indicator that I was headed in the right direction. He said, “Great, I have a business proposal for you, can you meet on Monday.” To which I replied, “Umm yeah, I’m free, I have no plans, my life just got flipped upside down, I’m scared, and yes, my answer is yes, whatever the proposal is, yes!” 

I arrived in New York to a restorative yoga class. A class that would break me down to my core and whispered, “relax, you will be okay, and you are exactly where you should be!” The class followed by a spur of the moment run in the city. This run changed me. I wanted to stop, so my friend paused and took a breath with me. He then did something that reminded me of who I am, he tapped me and said, “let’s keep going”. I do that, I keep going, no matter what, I don’t stop, I wake up everyday and I KEEP FUCKING GOING! 

The next day included a meeting where my opinions were valued and challenged. A meeting where I was put in a position to grow and offer my experiences to enhance the present moment. It was another whisper of being exactly where I should be. This meeting was followed by two grueling classes led by my kind of people. People that have felt all the depths of life and choose to motivate others to keep going. I wanted to quit, but the honor of being in their class was a reminder to just KEEP FUCKING GOING! 

On my final day in New York, I had another meeting. This time I was digging deep to help my friend tell his story, to give him space to be vulnerable. When he looked up and I could see his soul, truly see him fully, the universe whispered again, “ you are EXACTLY where you should be!” I ended my day with another grueling workout and my body was not feeling up for it at all. But my dear friend, that I met with earlier in the day would not let me quit, he wouldn’t even let me complain...he was screaming KEEP FUCKING GOING SARA!!!!

I left in the middle of the night to drive back for a meeting in Cleveland in the morning. A meeting with a person that doesn’t know me, doesn’t see me, and certainly doesn’t value me. The meeting ended with a very clear message...KEEP GOING! It can be hard when others don’t see you fully, but it’s even harder to live an inauthentic life. 

So I keep going and I listen for the whispers of the universe along the way. I am proud I take risks and keep going even when I’m scared. This is being alive, and this is being authentically me. I’m destined for a life of endless growth and transformation and I trust the universe fully to continue to provide that for me. 

To my people, you know who you are, thank you! You give me strength and courage to walk blindly and trust the universe. Let’s all KEEP GOING, and listen for the whispers of the Universe that tell us, we are exactly where we should be, so we can change the fucking world! 

Peace & love xoxo

[samarie12]

Authentically Me...

Authentically Me…

“There is nothing I need to SEE

There is nothing I need to SEEK

There is nothing, but what I BE

That can COMPLETE ME”

 This mantra came to me while driving. I chose to leave the house without my cell phone, I left the music off in the car, and I just listened to the universe. A resounding message of just be authentically me.

 It’s the beginning of 2019 and although 2018 was a difficult year, it was not bad. I learned so much about my strength, my true purpose, and I experienced rapid emotional growth. I could take all that knowledge and say, “I hope 2019 is easier, I hope I will have a year filled with everything I want.” That’s what most of us do when we are met with the uncomfortable, we seek out comfort. Instead, I’m making a choice to take what I’ve learned and make some very uncomfortable changes. I’m choosing to live my life differently and I have no anticipation that this will be “easy”.

 When I began to write this post, I reached out to some of the inspirational people in my life. All from different areas of my life, some close friends, some artistic inspirations, and some successful business owners. I asked each of them what they are doing differently in 2019. Not, “what is your New Year’s resolution”, but rather, what choice are you making differently this year. Surprisingly almost every person answered with a similar intention. 

Make my spiritual practice a priority, reconnect with God, meditate first, choose to listen to my inner voice, serve my purpose, and do all things in service to the greater good.

I asked highly successful individuals, the people with a community that looks up to them, and somehow, they all are looking to engage spiritually. I set out to gain inspiration for my writing and was met with my own spiritual awakening. 

I’ve gained some knowledge this past year, and I’ve just been sitting on it. Like a squirrel connecting nuts when there is no longer a need to prepare for winter. Standing tall and enlightened on top of my pile of knowledge, but not doing anything with it. I learned that I have a need to speak, and I’ve been gifted with a voice. I learned that I have a need for family connections. I learned that I choose peace over anger, but I don’t release the anger, I keep it in a dark place in my own self. I learned that as I grow my circle gets smaller. I learned that sometimes it’s okay to move on, it’s okay to create a boundary. I learned that I am only happy when I have freedom and creativity. I learned that my purpose is dance, expression, and using my voice. This is my authentic self. The little girl that quietly witnessed tremendous violence and pain, her purpose is to speak. 

2018 really drove this knowledge home. I basically got a master’s degree in knowing myself, all crammed into one year. Around September, I started to think that I needed to do something different. I dove into many conversations with people close to me about some of my revelations. I asked their thoughts, their opinions, their advice on what to do next, on how to progress forward with this degree of knowing myself. It wasn’t until December when I recorded this video of myself improvising that I witnessed myself fully and realized I need to seek within. 

I was dancing to “If You Want Me to Stay”, by Sly and The Family Stone. I still have no idea how I know this song, how it got on my playlist, and why I’m so connected to it, but when it accidentally came on in my Contemporary class, I felt something. I let the song play, I let my students improvise and be creative with the song. They were awe inspiring, simply human, and yet beautifully complex. I listened to the song on repeat my entire drive home. The lyrics piercing my soul,

“For me to stay here, I’ve got to be me…

I'll be good I wish I could get this message over to you now

When you see me again, I hope that you have been

The kind of person that you really are now”

When I got home, I just had to move to this music. I put my camera on, thinking something special was going to happen, and I’m so glad I did. Every move I make in this video is me, not choreography or technique, it’s just me. At about 1:42 I release everything, and by 1:45 the look I give is the first time I saw myself without the mask of pain. When I watched myself move, everything in my life became clear. I need to look inside to be authentically me, I need to act on all the knowledge I’ve gained in getting to know myself. I need to align my actions with my purpose and my truth.

When the New Year rolled in, I knew I had to be different and I had to choose differently. In seeking inspiration from others, I learned that I need to choose a greater spiritual connection in order to be authentically me. So, what does that look like for 2019? Well it’s not going to be easy or comfortable, but 2018 prepared me for this.

 For this year I am choosing…

 to put my phone down, not take it with me when I go out, turn it off at night, get an alarm clock

eat dinner at home, by candlelight, with just music

to say no to anything that I am not 100% authentically choosing, no more doing it for the peace

calling my yoga therapist to release the anger of 2018

limiting my time with friends and only investing in relationships that serve the greater good

to practice only taking what I need, no unnecessary purchases (including clothes!)

I am confident that these choices will lead me to living a more authentic life, which will in turn lead to living my purpose; dance, expression, and using my voice. 

May we all look inward this year, connect spiritually, & allow ourselves to flow into living authentically. 

“There is nothing I need to SEE

There is nothing I need to SEEK

There is nothing, but what I BE

That can COMPLETE ME”

Peace & love, xoxo

[samarie12]

Every night’s the same...

Until one night you decide to ask random strangers interesting questions. I’ve done this since I was a kid. I used to ask the same question to several different people, just to gain different perspectives. It’s the ‘Curious George’ in me, I just love to know what other’s are thinking. I’ve even been known to ask strangers for life advice. I’ve learned you can gain some wisdom from the unbiased opinion. 

Recently, when out with two particular friends, I’ve embarked on asking a series of questions . We are all very different, with pretty polarizing personalities, so it’s been interesting to see how strangers react to each of us. 

Here’s how it goes down...we usually find a group of men, although we’ve forced these questions on guys we do know. The difference in answers between strangers and friends, makes this even more interesting. We started with just  asking, “Who is most approachable?” and now we’ve added the fun game of “Kill, Fuck, Marry”. If you’re not familiar with this game, basically we ask these guys to choose which one of us they want to kill, fuck, and marry. They have to assign a K, F, or M to each of us. I acknowledge that as a feminist, this can be contradictory to what I fight for, however, I’m coming from curiosity, to simply learn how these men think. We ask these guys to make a quick snap judgement of us, based on how we look, and decide who is most approachable, and then to kill, fuck, marry. 

Several men have refused to answer the questions, fearing that they might hurt someone’s feelings. Or many have said they would marry or fuck all three of us. We even had one guy kill us all. I appreciate the guys that are attempting to be considerate, but again for the sake of curiosity, I love the guys that actually answer the questions. When they indulge me with answering, I usually ask, “why did you choose that answer?” This is where I’ve gained some interesting perspective into the male psyche. 

I have received each K - F - M, and it’s been interesting why guys have chosen each. I’ve only been killed a few times, mostly because I’m persistent with making them feel uncomfortable. However, a couple of guys have said that I look like I can handle being killed. Apparently I’m the tough one, so I won’t get my feelings hurt. The F & M seem to be most interchangeable, so it’s been very insightful why a guy chooses to marry instead of fuck. Most answers are...”she looks stable, she seems to be more reserved, she seems to be the most positive, she looks like a mom”. None of those were to describe me. When guys have chosen to marry me, they’ve said “you look like you would keep it exciting, you seem like you would be very sexual, you look like the most fun.” These are also similar reasons guys have chosen an F for me. 

One guy offered, “if you want guys to choose marry for you, you should tone your personality down.” Hmm...that’s just interesting to me, why would I want to be anything than what I am. The guy was super respectful and all about the social experiment of the game, but his answers seem to represent a lot of men. If I’m “too outgoing” a guy won’t want to marry me. He may want to have fun, but with the exception of the adrenaline junkies, he won’t want a long term relationship with me. 

Now this is all just a fun game, and clearly no one is following through on any of the K,F, or M, but how many people do we judge like this. You cancel people out because you think they are disinterested and sometimes you are hurtful because you assume they are tough. You peg someone as adventurous and fun because they are outgoing, and another is stable because they are reserved. From there we pigeon hole people to represent a potential role in our lives. It’s silly, but we all do it. 

I’ve concluded that I’m way too fascinated with other’s perceptions of things. And that I will never tone myself down, it’s just not in my nature to do anything half ass. I’m never going to be the girl next door, but that’s what sets me apart. Frankly, I want a man that can handle more than the comfort of a neighbor.

And my final conclusion is...going out is boring AF, unless you decide to ask people uncomfortable questions. Try it, I promise you will have an interesting night!

Peace & love xoxo

[samarie12]

Loyalty

I’ve recently spent some time diving into the concept of loyalty. Does it really exist? Is it necessary? Can you be loyal and still have no expectations? 

By definition, loyalty is the act of giving or showing firm & constant support or allegiance to a person or an institution. In terms of relationships, is this possible? Is it realistic to think one person can offer constant support to another? 

I’ve realized that loyalty is NOT necessary. Most people in fact, don’t need loyalty. Most people need someone, anyone to listen, to understand, to agree. For some, this could mean a constant rotation of interacting only with people that agree with your choices. So, when you are making choices aligned with one particular lifestyle, you seek out that group and get their approval. Then when your life shifts into it’s next cycle you seek out a new group to approve of your new life choices. When you’re single, you hang out with other single people, approaching dating the same way you do. When you get married, you hang out with other couples that approach marriage the same way you do. Many times, your friends shift at the same time. So you all move from the single group to the married group around the same time. This allows the relationship to be maintained. Additionally many people have the same friends for a lifetime, but they never grow. Instead of taking a step outside the “status quo”, and risking the relationships they have, these people remain stagnant. The non-growth allows these relationships to be maintained. 

The above scenarios seem to make up a majority of people I have encountered in my life. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing the above lifestyles, in fact, it’s safe and it’s smart. However, for those that are risk takers, those that pursue their passions, and those that disrupt the status quo, loyalty becomes something that you need from your inner circle. It’s no surprise that the most successful, talented, and disruptive people in history had few friends.

From a young age, I was disrupting the status quo, I was taking risks, and pursuing my passions. It’ s not because I was so empowered to be great, but rather it was survival mode. I couldn’t float along like the other kids, I had to “make shit happen”. This is common in underprivileged and broken households. Loyalty has almost become a street term. Often times, in order to survive, you make choices most other people don’t have to consider making. And if anyone is going to be in your life, you need loyalty. You need them to “have your back”, and to offer you insight when the path is getting too dark. 

When I think of loyalty, I think of my oldest brother. He has never once wavered in being loyal to me. I, on the other hand, have wavered in being loyal to him. When I was younger, I said some pretty horrible things to him about the lifestyle he was choosing. Yet, he did not hurt me back. Once I was wise enough to seek forgiveness, he told me I was forgiven the moment I hurt him. Recently I found myself in some tough situations. I always call my brother first, because I know, no matter how “bad” it is, he will have my back. And he did, but he also let me know his thoughts on how I got myself into this mess. He said, “make different choices, choose wisely who you let into your life”. And then the harshest, but most impactful statement...”Sara, how is it that you have allowed such horrible people to get so close to you? That’s your fault! Yes, what they did was wrong, but it’s your job to have better judgement of character.” That’s what loyalty is, having my back, even when you disagree, and being honest with me. 

As I am getting older, and taking even greater risks in my life, I am learning that I need loyalty. If you are not my loyal friend, we are not friends. I recently took a long hard look at my friendships and recognized, that truly, I can count my friends on one hand. Everyone else, is either serving a purpose for me or I’m serving one for them. Now serving a purpose for each other is not a bad thing. We need people to teach us lessons, and we need to share wisdom with others generously. However, what gets tricky is when you think you have a loyal friend, but the reality is you are serving a purpose to them. Now, this happens, sometimes with miscommunication, and other times with manipulation. These are the wolves in sheep’s clothing. These are the people that love you so much because of what you can do for them. They will take from you, and often times, expect loyalty from you. In reality they are looking for servants. They talk a big talk, but their walk is weak. I would rather have a limited relationship with someone, than have one with a manipulative leach. They suck everything out of you and never refill your cup. 

Loyalty is not necessary, but if you choose to take risks, you need loyal people to have your back. Loyalty is possible, but it will not come from the weak hearted. Offering loyalty to someone, does not entitle you to it in return. Be careful who you are loyal to, beware of the wolves that manipulate you, and run from the leaches that exploit your loyalty. 

It’s been a rough lesson to learn, but I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to gain this wisdom. Fool me once and I’ll forgive you, fool me twice and I’ll dismiss you. 

Thank you to my loyal friends for riding this wave with me.

Peace & love xoxo

[samarie12]

The Gift of Growth

I keep thinking I’ve conquered my trauma and reached a new level of healing, only to be confronted with a deeper wound. There is a part of me that is tired of healing, and then the wiser part of me knows I am gifted with tremendous growth and the ability to impact others with my journey.

At the age of six I discovered my confidence, in my teens I discovered my strength, and in my twenties, I discovered my self-worth. Now in my thirties, I am learning that discovery and acceptance are two very different experiences.

At one point, I started to notice the impact my confidence and strength had on others. I saw people around me shrink when I was fully myself. Being an empath and having tremendous compassion for others, it was difficult to witness. For a brief time, I allowed this to dim my authentic boldness. Through much self-reflection and open conversation, I have come to accept my authentic confidence and strength. I cannot control others’ insecurities and being true to myself is far more important than dimming my light for the sake of others.

So here I am in my thirties, fully accepting the confident and strong woman I am, but there is one piece missing…my self-worth. About ten years ago, I began a painful journey of discovering my self-worth. It was years of working through the traumatic experiences I endured from my father. Up until this point, I was silent, quietly allowing men (including my father) to treat me with disrespect. Through this process I discovered how poorly I was treating myself, and I began to make changes. I created boundaries for certain relationships, I let my anger out, and ultimately, I began a practice of forgiveness. I cleaned up the messes I allowed in my life and saw that I deserved more, I am worth more. I had new standards for the energy and people I allowed in my life, and truly I went through an intense emotional transformation. I now know the type of man I deserve; a man of kindness, honesty, respect, nurture, and care. A man that shows me affection and selfless love. A man that does not need me, but chooses me, ALL of me.

Now here is where it gets tricky…

I discovered my self-worth, I recognize the traits I need in a partner, but when I find that, I still cannot accept it. It’s as if it hurts too much to be happy. The feeling of nurture is so foreign to me, it scares me. I try to hide from the feeling of joy, ducking and diving from people that try to shower me with unconditional kindness. It’s strange to notice this, almost as if I’m between consciousness and having an out of body experience. On one hand, I like it, or more truthfully, I LOVE it. It’s incredible to feel cared for and have all the things you’ve wished. But at the same time, it’s scary, “too good to be true”, “hurts so good” type of scary. I tremble, I cry, I get anxious, and I can’t stop smiling because deep down I want this type of connection.

I’ve realized I have a horrible way of coping with my overwhelming happiness. And yes, I know it’s weird to have a coping mechanism for a positive emotion like happiness. It’s happened about three times, only on occasions where a man is treating me exactly how I want to be treated, and I think, “how did I get so lucky”. When I have this feeling, I proceed to get uncharacteristically intoxicated and I wild out. Now for me, this doesn’t take much, about three drinks, as I have a strict two drink max with water before and after each sip. I never like to feel out of control and can count on one hand how many times I’ve let myself go there. It’s not like me, but I’m seeing a habit when I am triggered by romantic happiness. It’s my way of numbing and sabotage, the exact opposite of what I truly desire.

Each time I uncover a deeper wound, I have a surge of anger towards my father. He had no idea how deeply impacted I would be by his abuse and neglect. Little girls need their dad to set an example, and when they don’t, it becomes a large void that may never fully heal.

So today, I have no answers for how I will conquer this pain, but I know I will and I know this chapter of healing is the final step to accepting love.

Cheers to growth and my future love.

[samarie12]

It Ain’t Right

I’m always inspired to write when I hear music that resonates with me...

“It ain’t right what you’re doing to me

It ain’t right you’re confusing me

Which side of the fine lines do you want me”

This song, “Fine Lines” by Jorja Smith, is speaking to me. Not necessarily in the way the lyrics may have intended, but the conviction in the “it ain’t right” is grabbing my soul. I’ve had a few moments lately where I have to stop and say, “no that ain’t right.”

I know who I am, I met myself at six years old and I’ve been in touch with the evolution of my self since then. I’m raw, I’m real, and I’m confident in every part of me. Many people comment that I shift energy in a room, that I’m the “weather maker”. I’m aware of this, but it also tells me I’m not always hanging out with the most evolved people. Yes, when I’m leading a group or teaching a class I have a responsibility to set the tone. However, in social settings to be held responsible for the energy of the room...”it ain’t right!”

Sorry friends, you have a responsibility to own your emotions. And guess what I get it, I’m an empath and I know what it feels like to take on other’s energy. I also know that I am 100% responsible for me, I have 100% control of my choices. So I can choose to leave or disassociate if someone is repeatedly affecting my energy, but they are still allowed to be in that energy, and sometimes as humans we need to be sad.

When it comes to relationships, if someone is relying on me to set the tone, bring the energy, and maintain 100% positivity, 100% of the time...guess what they are in love with the feeling I bring them. And that aini’t right! Fall in love with me, the woman that has tremendous power, passion, joy, and when she’s sad she feels every depth of that sadness. The person that wants me to “shift my energy” because I’m sad for an hour, is not someone that I need in my life. And if you think for a second that I’m going to be upset about letting you go, please see above...I know who I am, raw, real, and confident AF!

As I go on this journey, as I continue to evolve, it gets lonely and my circle gets smaller and smaller. I’m good with that, because it ain’t right to rely on me. I never want to be the most important, interesting, or influential person in the room. That’s the moment I need to walk away.

So it’s a fine line between remaining open and closing doors that don’t serve me. But I’m not sure if you’ve seen me walk a tightrope in heels...I’m good, I’ll walk that fine line. 

Peace & love xoxo

[samarie12]

Child of Steel

I’ve written so much over the past few months and chosen not to share, but today I’m bursting with the need to let it all go. I left NYC because I was hurt very deeply, to the point my health was affected. I needed to be in a stable environment, feeling safe, and surrounded by my tribe. Most people did not know the details of what happened to me. It was like when I was a child and I just said, “everything is fine.” I wanted to escape, I wanted to be in an easier environment, and pretend like nothing happened. 

Unfortunately, situations arose that forced me to work directly with the person that hurt me. If I said something I was going into a battle that I didn’t want to fight. So I sucked it up, buried everything, and pretended like it was all okay. At least, until it wasn’t. A very unsafe environment was created and I was now being threatened. The battle that I didn’t want to fight was happening. 

After three months, the situation has been “resolved” and improvements are being made to ensure this never happens again. However, I am not resolved and no improvements can be made on the emotional scars left behind. 

When I find myself stressed, anxious, and hurt, I go back to my parents and I get angry. I want to lean on “mom and dad”. I want to call them and cry, I want them to fly across the country and cook me comfort food, I want them to call me everyday to check on me. But I don’t have that, and not because it’s not physically possible, but because they have chosen different relationships with me. I know I’m strong and really I am proud of myself, but it fucking hurts like hell that they don’t rush to my side and offer me comfort. And to their defense, they are incapable. However, knowing that they are incapable does not make it less painful. 

Most of my anger goes directly towards my mom. She’s the good one! I love her so much and I’ve offered her comfort my whole life. I want once for her to know how to do the same for me. In wanting her to be there for me in a certain way, I’ve tried to remember what she has offered. When I was very young, she sat me down and said, “listen to this song, these are my words for you.” It was “Child of Steel” by Roseanne Cash, and the lyrics are the anthem of my life. 

‘Cause the soul takes its blows, and it does not reveal

And the heart opens slow and it takes time to heal

But you can let go, it’ll all turn to gold

My sweet child of steel

There are other lyrics that say, “I watch you walk through fire, as clear water runs near”. It doesn’t say, I bring you water to put out the fires. And as much as I want my mom to be the fire extinguisher, she is not. She is the one that says, you don’t need me, because you were born to be a child of steel. 

It’s tough being your own guide, but I was blessed with the ability to prevail. No matter what happens, no matter if I’m comforted or not, it will all turn to gold. I wish my mother could love me in a different way, but I am so grateful that she gives in ways she can to let me know she loves me. Music has always been her language and dance has always been mine. So today, I took this song and I moved, I let it be the comfort that I want so desperately from my mom. 

Not sure what is in store for me next, but I’m hopeful it’s time for it to all turn to gold. 

Peace & love xoxo

“Child of Steel” By Roseanne Cash

I'd give a lifetime baby To see you smile If you could give your troubles over For just a little while And look at the truth It's right here staring at you Oh, angels bow when you walk by And the rest of us here have always known why ‘Cause the soul takes it's blows and it does not reveal And the heart opens slow and it takes time to heal But you can let go, It'll all turn to gold My sweet child of steel         And I watch you walk through fire When clear water runs near I watch your heart break open wide A heart I hold so dear But look at the truth It could burn a hole right through you Oh, angels bow and cover their eyes And the rest of us here could just break down and cry ‘Cause the soul takes it's blows and it does not reveal And the heart opens slow and it takes time to heal But you can let go, It'll all turn to gold My sweet child of steel         

[samarie12]

Sara Smile...

“And if you want to be free You know all you got to do is say so

Sara, smile Oh, won't you smile awhile for me, Sara?”  ~Hall & Oates

This song simplifies it...say you want to be free, and that you shall be.

It’s been a minute since I wrote anything, but I recently said I wanted to be free and yet somehow I feel trapped. I left New York accomplished, excited to be back in Cleveland, and with the confidence of knowing I was making the right choice. It’s been a couple months now and I know I made the right choice, but I’m uncomfortable with the uncomfortable. I’m mad that I’m where I’m at in my life. I had different expectations for myself and now I have to face where I stand today.

Today, I still feel very hurt by my father and very scarred by my childhood. I’m still angry and disappointed. I still feel like I don’t understand love fully and I’m overwhelmed when others show me love. I still find myself pouring into work, satisfying my self worth through what I contribute. How is it possible for a woman full of enlightenment, and years of practicing self-awareness and healing, to still feel these things. When can I smile awhile?

I’ve gone through moments of accepting that this is just my journey, that I’m going to always be “in the work”. And although I feel there is some extent of truth there, I’ve come to the conclusion that this path is leading to greatness.

I thought I was in Cleveland for certain reasons, but it turns out the universe drew me here for a very specific part of my journey. I’m here to feel loved and to witness love. I hate it, I hate that I have to accept love to survive right now. I hate that all the things I “have” don’t matter and that I truly have nothing to give besides love. It’s wild because I thought I had it all together and that coming to Cleveland would be an easy transition. I’m so grateful to say that I have so many people that love me in Cleveland, but when I lived here before, I could easily deflect their love.I’m different after New York, I’m more aware, I’m more open and I can’t deflect. I’m also in a position that I need people, so I’m relying on their love.

I want to feel love, but I also don’t...it’s so new to me and it’s uncomfortable. I’ve had to take a hard look at myself and ask the question...”Sara, do you love yourself?” I want to, but I don’t know how to, so I’m learning through others. I felt my only purpose was to be strong, be a warrior, and get to work. It’s a really hard habit to break. But, I’m here, in the work, on the journey and excited for the future of the woman I will be when I can fully love myself. That’s why I’m here, I’m the tough part of the journey, the part that breaks open the root of my pain and heals it all for good.

I’m grateful for the tools of awareness that have gotten me to this place. I’m grateful for those on the journey with me. I’m grateful to do the work, to be a witness to those that know how to love, and learn what it feels like to love purely.

So I want to be free, free to love myself, love others, and let love flow with ease through me. I said it, so it shall be. And Sara...smile awhile for me!

xoxo

[samarie12]

I’m sexy...and so are YOU!

There has been an interesting trend I’ve experienced recently in NYC. The more I find happiness, the more people criticize me. I’ve been so lucky to make some amazing friends here, but I really miss having the support of my soul sisters. Most of my friends in NYC are men, and my best friend here happens to be a very attractive straight man. I’m so grateful that he is back in the city and to have a friend that never waivers in having my back. Apparently this is an issue for many women.

There is an epidemic of women hating on women. I happen to experience it often. Instead of hearing encouragement, I am met with projection of their insecurities. I’ve been told that I’m “not allowed” to speak to certain men, because they called dibs. It’s been suggested I wear more conservative outfits, or an under the breath remark about my body. Women criticize what I eat and how often I work out. Someone even suggested that guys only talk to me because I post “sexy dance videos”. Wow, ladies, way to lift each other up!

I have this amazing tribe of women from Cleveland. They are the kind of women that celebrate every woman. When we are out and there is a beautiful woman getting her groove on, we are right there cheering for her. When a woman walks in a room and her sexiness magnetizes the entire crowd, we celebrate her. When one of us is soaring to a new height, we encourage each other to be our best. I miss this more than anything!

In New York, I’ve found it easy to connect with men, many of them are very inspiring powerful men. The reason being, is they don’t comment on my confidence. They let me be me, they give space for my powerful nature and don’t try to project their insecurities on me. It’s not even a part of the conversation, it’s just two people being present and inspired by one and other. The moments, when I’m happy and excited to be connecting with inspiring people, there are nasty comments waiting about how I am attracting too much attention from men. It’s not nice ladies. Your insecurities are not my problem. You are beautiful, but it’s not my job to dim myself so you feel that. That is an inside job, that actually has nothing to do with me.

It’s hard because, I want to pause and say “hey you are beautiful too!”, but at the same time, I’m hurt by how mean spirited women can be. So I usually remain quiet and painfully wait for the moment to pass and the conversation to move to something else. In these moments I lose connection and I lose myself. I’m not quiet, I’m not one to sit on the sidelines, and I’m certainly not one to allow others to dim my shine.

So today I celebrate all women, myself included. I am sexy, and so are each of YOU! I celebrate you when you wear sweats and I celebrate you if you want to go topless. I celebrate you when you draw every eye to you because your body is rocking. I celebrate you when your personality magnetizes a room or if you take over the dance floor. My hope is that you look in the mirror and celebrate your beauty, so that you can also celebrate the beauty in others.

Thank you to my Cleveland tribe for showing me that it’s possible for women to authentically celebrate one and other. Thank you to the few ladies I know here in NYC that get it. And thank you to my best friend here for encouraging me to shine.

May we all be the full expression of our beautiful souls!

Peace & love xoxo

[samarie12]

Whose House?

I recently started taking a new workout class, and at the end we cheer,             "Whose House? Tone House!” The first time I went, it struck me to my core…I thought, about myself as the house. Whose body, whose space, whose mind…Sara’s, my life is my damn house!

Now anyone that truly knows me knows this, I don’t workout. I dance and I do yoga, not for the physical practice. I dance to express all the things my mind can’t put into words and I do yoga to release my heart and heal my wounds. I’m down to try anything and I gratefully work for an amazing company that allows me the opportunity to try many different workouts. However, in the three years I’ve worked there, I’ve never consistently attended a gym or studio class. It’s never been for me, yet I’m finding myself in a Tone House class at least once a week. So, everyone is asking me, what is up with this? Why do you love it so much?

Well here’s the real deal…I feel strong and I need that.

When I was a small child, my father threatened, and nearly succeeded, to kill my mother on multiple occasions. I saw my father put a gun to my mom’s head and relentlessly abuse her. My oldest brother always made sure to get me out of the house and across the street to our neighbors. He kept me safe, because I could not do anything to protect myself. At six years old, after my parent’s divorce, my father tied me to a chair and whipped me with a metal belt buckle. I roared my power on him and let him know my disgust. I used my inner warrior to scare him with my confidence and stood up to his abuse. He never hit me again. Fast forward 20 years and my cowardly father cut the breaks on my car. By the grace of the universe, I was not harmed physically, but I went back into warrior mode, ready to fight and protect at any moment. Five years later, I faced my father and confronted him for everything he did. I spoke to him for the first time about what he did to my mother, my brothers, and to me. I was good, I finally could walk around without looking over my shoulder. I faced my fears straight in the face and let him know that it was not going to control me anymore. I’m thinking, I solved that shit and can just move on.

Fast forward to present day… I’ve had quite the transition to New York, literally tested in every way possible. I think it’s been the most vulnerable I’ve felt since being 3 years old and needing my brother to get me to safety. Except, I’m here by myself, and can’t be carried across the street to the neighbor’s house. Recently, my father started sending me messages. He sent me a message to tell me he was never returning the jewelry he stole from me. He wanted to let me know he knows where I am and I should be careful.  Another recent message read, “You’re not strong enough.” So here I am in my most vulnerable state, thinking I had already conquered this shit, and yet I’m all of the sudden terrified that I’m not strong enough for whatever he’s referring to. I don’t know what it is that he refers to, but my mind wanders to the scariest of places. Am I strong enough if someone tries to break me down mentally? Am I strong enough if someone tries to attack me? Am I strong enough to handle the daily tests New York has given me? Yes, I am!

There are days I don’t remember how strong I am…those are my favorite days at Tone House. You see, this workout is special. It pushes you against yourself, not another person or piece of equipment. You decide how strong you are, but no matter what, you finish. Being in a true team environment, where you are pushed, encouraged, and celebrated, fosters the greatest strength from within. I’m learning that I’m not a broken dancer with two knee surgeries. I’m learning that I can fall on my face and get back up to finish strong. And when we get to the close and say, “Whose House? Tone House!” I tell myself, my body, my mind…that’s my damn house and nobody is going to tell me I’m not strong enough.

So, yes, I love going to Tone House and I’m going to continue to allow myself the space to feel strong. May we all find our ‘House’ and know that we are strong.

Peace & love xoxo

[samarie12]

Confidently Me

They say the best way to gain self-confidence is by doing what you are afraid to do. I can certainly attest to this, I faced my greatest fear at an early age and my confidence has never lacked. Now there is a huge difference between self-confidence and self-worth, the latter took me nearly 25 years to discover and it’s a daily practice. Self-confidence is the trust in your abilities, qualities, and judgement and self-worth is your sense of value as a person. It’s fascinating to recognize the difference in these traits and how they intertwine, yet also separately exist within each of us.

With all the trials I faced as a child, one might assume my confidence may be lacking. However, as mentioned above, when you do something that scares you, your confidence increases. At six years old, I faced my father and let him know my disgust with his abusive nature. I sacrificed all my vulnerability, but I gained a world of confidence. As scared as I was, I felt so fucking powerful in letting him know that I did not approve of him.

My mother always said, “I don’t know where you get your confidence from, but I’m happy you have it.” She is a stunning woman that does not trust in her own beauty, and she feared she would pass this on to her children. However, I honestly cannot recall a time when I doubted my ability to get what I wanted. I always felt capable, beautiful, and intelligent. In fact, I often find myself operating at a higher level than others, as if my abilities are greater than those around me. A lot of time this is true, and a lot of other times, people fuck up because they are intimidated by my confidence, so I just simply appear more capable than others. This innate confidence in everything I do has served me well. It’s allowed me to find success in my work and attract others operating from this level of confidence.

Since moving to New York, I’ve realized people will come for you and try to shake your confidence. The fucking scariest thing to them is when it doesn’t work! When I stand there fully me, un-phased by their attempts to make me believe that I am not capable, not beautiful, or not intelligent. It’s crazy to me how many random women that I do not know, try to come for me. They slide up in my DM with crazy comments trying desperately to exert power over me. I’m sorry, but you cannot take my power, I declared that at six years old. My beauty, my strength, my success has nothing to do with you. My bad days, my sad days, my failures, those also have nothing to do with you.

Okay, so why am I talking about this? I promise it’s not to be a cocky asshole! In sharing my recent experiences, many women have said, “Wow, you’re really not affected by these comments! It’s awesome that you don’t let these words get to you. I would definitely be struggling with my confidence after these experiences.” And I’m over here like, really?!?! I mean, of course, it sucks that people do shitty things and women specifically try to hurt each other, but at the end of the day, I am still me. Confidently me! I want all women to feel that, to feel that no matter what happens, what people say, how beautiful your exes new girlfriend is, or how successful your best friend becomes….you are capable, beautiful, and intelligent. I want women to trust their abilities, qualities, and judgement.

So ladies, let’s fucking do shit that scares us! Whatever you are most afraid of, you are capable! You want to start that business, DO IT! You want to ask him out, DO IT! You want to pitch your idea, DO IT! After you face your fear, I promise the reward of confidence is worth it.

To my homegirls that share innate confidence, use it wisely. Build other women up and give them the courage to be confident. Let’s cheer each other on when we are facing our fears. As women, we face enough shit, imagine the volume of our roar if we are united. Powerful women can stand side by side without detracting from each other’s greatness, and it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

Let us all own our power and choose to say, “I am confidently ME!”

Peace & love xoxo