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I have no reason to be embarrassed for being a horse boy.

- Mo, on neighing out loud, at work, in front of his coworkers.

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Cinnamoroll phone theme by me

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teamLab Planets | Tokyo, Japan | taken by me

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I can be a bit of a homebody. Some people think that I’m super outgoing or extroverted, which is funny to me because I think I’m the exact opposite (thanks, mask!), and honestly historically I can be a bit flaky, cancel plans at the last minute, or I attempt to avoid getting invited to events altogether. I sort of leaned into this once I recognized how much I could mask my lack of desire to be social - so much so that even I considered myself a social butterfly when I was younger. Then I embraced introvertedness wholeheartedly and became a moody teen, and then a moody young adult. More and more lately I try to say yes to life. Hang out with friends when they ask if I’m available, buy the concert tickets, be the first to say hello or good morning.

That’s how found myself at the Minnesota Yacht Club music festival this Saturday and Sunday. I had the amazing opportunity drop into my lap on Thursday last week, a friend of a friend had extra tickets and wanted people to be able to go! I said to Mo that it seems like we’ve been blessed with some good karma. We’ll have to be sure to give it back out to the world.

We went to this festival the first year it opened, two years ago, when it was a 2-day event. Mo and I, plus his parents, all went together and it was a lot of fun! Except I kind of discovered I don’t like music festivals. It’s not that I don’t like them, but that my body would rather I didn’t stand on my feet in the sun for hours at a time, not drinking enough water, while singing and dancing. Which sounds reasonable, but lots of people do it all the time and feel totally fine. Alas, I am destined to have autonomic issues and also be on more than one medication that makes me sensitive to heat and prone to dehydration. So two years ago when we went, I nearly passed out within the first 30 minutes of the second day. Not my proudest moment, but we live and learn.

Knowing that, you might think I should say no to the festival this year, even if it’s a good deal (like, really good). But my desire to stay inside during the heat of July outweighed my FOMO, so at 3pm on Saturday I was walking around Harriet Island Regional Park getting water before going to see the end of Matt and Kim’s set.

Did I feel lowkey not great roasting in the sun and breathing in poor quality air? Of course! But I made it for a good while and Mo and I agreed to leave early since we were both sun-tired and didn’t care much for the last couple bands of the night (sorry, Matchbox Twenty!). Plus, we wanted to conserve our energy for Sunday, which had more bands we were interested in, plus my father-in-law bought a ticket for Sunday so we could all go together.

On Sunday I felt better prepared, more well-hydrated, prepared for a longer day, and with a fully charged portable fan. I think it was also a tad cooler, which helped. We found a good kind-of-shady spot and laid down blankets as a homebase for the rest of the evening so I could just chill. The sun still beat on me a bit but was more manageable.

I digress, but this is to say I did it and I’m proud of myself! I’m slowly building back some stamina for this kind of thing at the same time as I learn how to best manage my symptoms/medication side-effects.

I look forward to continuing this practice alongside my routine scaffolding. It made my weekend feel longer and while my body might be pretty tired, my mind felt more rested when walking into work Monday morning than it does on a “regular” weekend.

Here’s to stepping (safely) outside your comfort zone.

Until next time,

Sam

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Just some of my favorite photos of Patches and Pebble 🖤🧡

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For the beginning of this week so far, I’ve followed the routine I set up in my first post. And it’s gone really well! I felt like everything I “need” to get done for myself was done, I ate good, slept good, didn’t feel too stressed. I noticed I could’ve used about 5 extra minutes Monday morning so I woke up 5 minutes earlier Tuesday and it worked out.

My skincare routine is something I’m most excited to keep up. I feel like I’ve tried so hard to maintain that routine, sometimes I feel stupid for being upset that my acne is bad when it’s my own fault for inconsistent washing or inconsistent product application. It’s hard! No matter how many routines I’ve tried, I can’t keep up with it. Between ADHD and depression, my brain simply does not form a connection with the routine.

I remember learning in health class in high school that it takes 21 days of consistency to build up a habit. That may be the case for neurotypical brains (although I suspect it’s a bit optimistic for that too), but for a neurodivergent brain like mine, habit building is way harder. I still haven’t quite figured out how to hack it. Which reminds me of something I just read in Oliver Burkeman’s Four Thousand Weeks:

“Note the curious suggestion, in the term “life hack,” that your life is best thought of as some kind of faulty contraption, in need of modification so as to stop it from performing suboptimally.”

Which is quite funny when you think about it — although I understand the value in what many “life hacks” bring, which is not so much that you’re doing something against the rules of some system, just that you’ve found a shortcut or an accommodation that people don’t usually consider. I find many to be personally helpful! Some “life hacks” I’ve learned over the years have now become standard practice for the way I cook, clean, or organize.

But again, one thing I feel like I’m missing a “hack” for is the routine. I even noticed I’m breaking out this week — which could be for a variety of reasons that aren’t anything to do with the consistency of my skincare routine. And yet, I look at my skin in the mirror and sigh to think I may never achieve a texture I desire. I think this reveals a lot about my thinking.

I recently determined I’m an optimistic realist. I’m not exactly a glass half-full person, and I’m definitely not a glass half-empty person, but I try my darnedest to remain positive, to look for greener grass and bluer skies. I think I see the logical side of things most of all (there’s the realism), which doesn’t always make me feel better but usually assuages some of the more intense anxieties that arise.

So as anyone, I get down in the dumps of pessimism here and there — that I won’t ever have a smooth skin texture, that I’ll struggle with my mental health for the rest of my life, that I’m unworthy of this, that, or the other — but those thoughts aren’t how I truly live and think about my choices. I still move forward every day, one step at a time, washing my face and following my skincare routine. That’s all I can do. I am grateful for the idea that these are things I can concern myself with in the first place.

P.S. I’m working on a post about what I do keep and what I want to keep in my bag, and I’m thinking I will also write about what my current/recent skincare routine(s) are, perhaps what I’ve tried in the past too.

Until then,

Sam

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In other news, I’ve been watching season 8 of Love Island.

I’m not caught up on it to be participating in the usual social media tea but I still have things to say! I’m watching episode 20 as I write.

These people are insane. And they are every season, of course, they cast for insane mostly-heterosexual models for every reality show like this. But it still baffles me that people like this exist.

My favorites are Aniya and Kayda and exactly none of the boys. I did like KC but he eventually disappointed me more than he disappointed Aniya 😂. Caleb is still doing okay on my list but he’s just not impressing me much.

This new batch of Casa Amor boys are seeming slightly better but I have to assume it’s just because I don’t really know them yet.

I think people who need to be off this island expeditiously are both Melanie and Sincere, Corbin, and Kenzie. I could also stand to see Bryce and Jen leave but they’re more neutral for me.

I basically have nowhere else to put these thoughts so that’s all for now ✌️

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Good Morning!

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about this blog the last few days; of what I want it to look like, what it can contain, what I can write about.

There are so many things in my brain itching to get out, to be set free in the garden.

I don’t want this to be a site for self-improvement alone (although depending on your definition of self-improvement, perhaps that’s all it is), but I do feel so much better and more organized putting my desires for myself down on the proverbial paper.

So who do I want to be? What’s next for me?

To find broad terms for this is almost harder than defining the specifics. My recent-ish change in employment and even more recent trip to Japan have been working on defining things for me - showing and guiding rather than telling me outright.

I want good routine. I think every young adult says this at some point. I believe that cycling through routines and having low- and high-points is going to be a part of my ADHD brain for, well, the rest of my life — but I still strive for perfection. Here’s what I’d like to see:

5:30am wake up, bathroom, feed cats

5:40am feed myself, take my meds

5:50am brush teeth, wash face (skincare!!), get dressed

6:05am prep bags and head out the door

Work (and hopefully not with any overtime or that throws the whole routine off).

5:00pm feed cats, clear out lunchbox and prep lunch for tomorrow

5:30pm cook dinner

8:00pm shower (including brushing teeth and washing face)

8:30pm skincare/self-care and get settled in bed

Sleep as close to 8 hours as one can manage.

Does this seem normal or insane? I think it’s a bit of both. It has all the healthy elements I’m looking to focus on (consistent sleep schedule, good hygiene, taking my meds consistently) but is 2 hours (6-8pm) really all I get in a day that’s truly to myself?

Uh oh, I’m going to get on my soapbox.

This is the problem with labor laws and late-stage capitalism.

We are supposed to kiss the feet of our predecessors on Labor Day - and don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the strives that HAVE been made, but the 8 hours sleep, 8 hours work (lie), and 8 hours of personal time (an even bigger lie), cannot possibly be the be-all end-all.

Not only am I scheduled at work more than 8 hours (have to accommodate that 30 minute lunch - that’s your personal time, not work time!!) but no matter how close you live, there’s a commute. And for me right now, it’s about 35 minutes in the morning and closer to an hour in the evening. So my work time may be scheduled for 8.5 hours (with that 0.5 hour lunch, can’t forget!), but I am away from my home from 6:10am until 4:40pm (on a good traffic day) - that’s 10.5 hours.

So now, I try to sleep 8 hours (I really need closer to 9 or 10 though), I am at work for 10.5 hours (plus the getting ready and getting unready, let’s call it 11 hours), that leaves me 5 hours of time to myself. And that has to include me making and eating dinner, showering/taking care of myself, and house chores. And taking care of family finances. And getting to regular doctor and dentist checkups. And attending social events or checking in with friends and family. And enjoying books, film and tv. And doing art and going to museums.

Must I save all of that for my weekends? I don’t want to live for the weekend any more than I already am.

So after these depressing realizations I am not yet sure what to do with, I turn to spiritualism for answers: something humans have done for tens of thousands of years to explain the unexplainable.

As a scientist it can be hard to reconcile aspects of spirituality with what is known to be true in the world. It’s something I’ve been working on for nigh my whole life. As a young preteen working through the Lutheran catechism, I wondered how creationism could be true when there is so much evidence for evolution (as I had started to learn in school). Even then, I began to imagine a world following both rules. If my God truly is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent — if God is more awesome than I can possibly comprehend — is it not possible that God could create a world intricate enough to undergo evolution as part of its design? Why wouldn’t any God or gods of any religion be able to create a world which follows what we have discovered as scientific fact?

I have come to a point where science is my main religion - I trust it, I understand it, I allow its’ principles to guide me to truths I don’t yet know. But even science, developed as it is in 2026, has gaps. Things we don’t know how to explain, things we may not even be able to study. Dimensions, space, dark matter, the deep sea. I hope we continue to make strives to explain everything in the natural world, but there will always be some things we just aren’t capable of understanding.

Spirituality fills the gaps.

Sure, fun-colored rocks may not be able to shield me from a knife coming at me, but I can’t yet prove or disprove that my emotional well-being is protected by black tourmaline. If I feel better having it around, doesn’t that count?

I think emotional truths are often locked inside - but that I do have all the answers. Sometimes I need tarot or oracle cards to help me determine what those answers are. Sometimes meditation and reverence towards spirit guides can reveal those answers locked within.

After traveling to Japan and visiting both Shinto shrines and Buddhist temples, I found a lot of peace in those places and the practices that go with. I’m not necessarily planning to become a full-blown Buddhist, but I don’t have to be. I can take what works and leave what doesn’t. It is MY spirituality, after all. I don’t have much to write about this yet as I am both still analyzing my thoughts and feelings from the visits as well as wanting desperately to learn more about both forms of spirituality, but you can expect to hear more in future blog posts. Perhaps some dedicated solely to spirituality. My main point in sharing this now is aligning myself with the types of quiet reverence that both offer. They have similar ways of honoring and offering that you can perform regardless of your spiritual beliefs.

At Buddhist temples, place your palms together and bow before entering the temple gate. You can light incense or candles. Then enter the main hall with the offering box and toss coin(s) in. Place your palms together and bow deeply. You may pray here and then bow lightly before leaving the main hall. Before exiting the temple gate, turn towards the main hall and bow once again.

At Shinto shrines, you bow once facing the main hall before entering through the Torii gate. Where there is a wash basin, take the scoop in your right hand and use some water to wash your left hand, then switch the scoop to your left and use some water for your right hand. Switch the scoop back to your right hand and pour some water in your left hand to use for washing your mouth. Any remaining water can wash your left hand again, then place the scoop cup side up before leaving. In the main hall, there will be an offering box and there may also be a bell. (Read signs carefully as not all visitors are allowed to ring the bell!) If you’re able and want to ring the bell, do so once before prayer. When praying, bow deeply twice, clap your hands twice, and join palms while praying. When done with prayer, bow deeply again. In practice, we saw many people go up to the main hall, bow twice, toss offering coin(s), clap twice and pray, then bow again, essentially mixing the prayer ritual with the offering. Then be sure to bow towards the main hall before exiting the Torii gate again.

Some temples and shrines will have signs up to show visitors how to respectfully visit, pray, and make offerings, so always read and follow any signage. We did make offerings and prayers at nearly every temple and shrine we visited, but we did mix up our rituals a bit, clapping at temples or missing a bow at shrines. I think so many tourists come and go without care or with direct disrespect that our attempts to be reverent and respectful of the history and spirituality made any mistakes go unnoticed by most other visitors or those who work at the shrine, and hopefully accepted by the spirits we prayed to.

I hope to find more peace in spirituality at the same time I strive for more personal time and perfection in routine.

I wish humans hadn’t bound themselves so deeply in what is really a boundless world. But there is only so much I can change about the world I’m living in. What I can focus on is what creates more space for me and my loved ones. How I can increase the dimension of time, if only in my imaginative perspective.

I’ll be working on it. And I’ll let you know how it goes.

Until next time,

Sam