Banjo couldn’t have received a warmer welcome when arriving at the Smash Mansion, getting lost while finding his room and accidentally making the math teacher’s head explode not withstanding. Once he was settled back in, a welcome party was held in the parlor. Banjo and Kazooie mingled with the crowd, reuniting with old friends and making new ones as well. Elated didn’t even begin to describe how Banjo felt.
“I gotta say,” Banjo said with a cold drink in his hand and a smile on his fuzzy face. “It’s been too long. I haven’t even officially made it into the game yet, and already this feels more like home than Microsoft ever did. Honestly, I can’t thank y'all enough.”
“Hey, forget about it,” Mario said cheerfully as he padded Banjo on the back. “You’re more than a guest here. Since you helped make the Nintendo 64 a household name, you’re practically family.”
“Not what you said when you sold us off, tubby!” Kazooie spat. “You were soakin’ up rays on Isle Delfino while we were stuck in a wall in Grabbed by the Ghoulies!”
“Kazooie, we’ve been over this a hundred times…” Banjo said wistfully. “Mario had nothing to do with the Rare acquisition. That was a decision made by powers upon high way out of his control.” Banjo then looked back at his old platformer pal. “Sorry about that.”
“No worries,” Mario said with a laugh. “That cockney accented bird may be salty, but she’s got nothing on Waluigi fans.”
“Or people still asking for Gogo guy from Dragonwhatsits…” Daisy added, shrugging it off. “Anyway, how did the people at Rare and Microsoft react to your invitation? Bet they threw you one heck of a party!”
“Not really…” Banjo shrugged. “I mean, yeah, they threw me a party and they wished me well, but…well…” Banjo thought long and hard about the right words to say, scratching his head. “How can I put this delicately…you know that expression about one bad apple spoilin’ the whole barrel? Well, in this case, it was an bad acorn.”
While some of the younger smashers didn’t know what he meant by that, the older ones immediately put the pieces together. From Mario to Snake, and especially the Kongs, almost the entire cast of Brawl said in unison.
“Conker?” they all asked, to which Banjo and Kazooie both nodded.
“Conker,” they both said.
“That reminds me…” Samus said as she produced her built in bounty log, making a recording. “Reminder; renew that restraining order against raging alcoholic squirrel.”
“And man, what a mess that was…” Banjo said, dejected, as the event came back to him.
Banjo and Kazooie mingled at the congratulatory party that Rare and Microsoft threw for him. Nearly everyone from the Rare Replay collection were there, save for the Great Mighty Poo for obvious and sanitary reasons, and the Who’s Who of the X Box showed up to pay their respects as well.
“Congratulations, furball,” Marcus Fenix said with a friendly jab. “Give ‘em hell.”
“Thanks, Marcus,” said Banjo, turning his attention toward the crowd. “And thank all of you too. I was expecting cold drinks and maybe a couple pizzas, but y'all went all out when you didn’t have to. I appreciate it.”
“No worries,” said Master Chief. “Just make sure you smash that Doom Goon around.”
“No promises,” said Kazooie. “He’s not even officially part of the roster. Also, we don’t have a death wish.”
“Besides, you guys deserve this,” said Joanna Dark. “You two certainly did more for Nintendo than any two of us put together.”
“Exactly,” Jago chimed in. “It’s not like we’re seeing Blast Corps II anytime soon, are we?”
“Or a second Jet Force Gemini,” said, funnily enough, Juno. “And honestly, that’s fine by us.”
“Indeed,” his sister Vela said. “You have any idea how hard it is to get the smell of insectoid entrails off of you?”
Sadly, the friendly and chatty atmosphere was soon broken. It started with a smell, which Banjo caught and caused him to wear a sour look.
“What smells like stale peanuts, cheap whiskey, and urine?” he asked, which was answered in bitter, drunken sarcasm.
“Oh, yeah, the bear and bird made it to Smash Bros, la dee FUCKING da!”
“Take a wild guess…” Kazooie said in spite.
Banjo turned and the crowd parted, and sure enough there stood Conker with a look so bitter even a lemon would be sweet in comparison. He was a complete wreck, his clothes unkempt and his eyes bloodshot, his mouth wrapped around a half emptied bottle of whiskey. He was so drunk he could barely keep his feet under him.
“Conker?” Banjo said as he took in the sight. “Jeez, you’re a mess. What happened to you?”
“What happened to me?” Conker said as he fumbled toward Banjo. “I’ll tell you what happened to me! You were invited to be a fighter in Super Smash Bros, and I wasn’t! I’m an icon just as much as you are, and people still love my game! I was the Nintendo 64! What the hell did you idiots do for Nintendo that I didn’t, huh!?”
“Besides stay sober?” said Kazooie.
“Screw you!” Conker spat, pointing at Kazooie while still holding his bottle of whiskey. “I can quit whenever I want!”
“Okay, okay, settle down…” said Banjo, sensing a fight about to erupt. “Look, Conker, your game was a lot of fun, and you have a cult following for a reason. But icon? Come on, man. Even when we was at the height of our popularity, at the best of times guys like you and me were second fiddle to folks like Mario and Sonic.”
“Hey, I’m still a star!” Conker shot right back. “People still talk about my game and want a new one! You think they want a new game about that pop culture popping loser Gex!? Where’s his HD remake, huh!? People love me!”
“They love your game’s absurd premise and raunchy humor,” Kazooie said. “They tolerate you, Fuzz Nuts.”
“You’re not helping!” Banjo said sternly.
“I’m not trying to help!” Kazooie shot back.
“And yet you got an invitation, and I didn’t!” Conker slurred, nearly falling over. “Why!? Why’d they invite you, and not me!?”
At this point, the entire room was silent with everyone watching. Banjo exchanged a knowing look with Kazooie, the biting breagul nodding, then looked back at Conker with a pained but honest expression.
“Do you really want to know?”
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