"you're so funny" thanks my husband of 10 years turned out to be a hot butch lesbian who murdered half of my family and wanted to kill me too. We're working on it.
Garlan Tyrell and Willas Tyrell are mad at each other? They just start insulting each other. Garlan the Gargoyle. Will the Wretched. Garish Garlan. Whiny Will. Everyone else is just leaving the room to let them deal with it, it's going to take a while.
Is Snape nice? No. Is he an absolute comedy icon with a flair for dramatic timing? Yes! I mean he literally stood there waiting and being insulted multiple times just to reveal himself at the perfect moment. We stan.
Thinking about sorting the Black sisters into medical specialties.
Bellatrix - surgery. Hands on stuff. Somehow I feel like Bella wouldn’t be satisfied with appendectomies though. Maybe HPB? I’ve never actually been on a trauma surgery rotation so not sure if that would be a good fit for her.
Andromeda - anesthesiology; content with behind the scenes work; ready to roast her colleagues and residents prn; maybe wants to do pediatric anesthesiology
Narcissa - derm girlie
Bonus:
Sirius - actually have no idea; between ER, paeds, and UroSx?
I like imagining Rodolphus in Azkaban after the second war, probably hallusinating Bellatrix everywhere, slowly losing his mind. And by "I like" I mean that it actually kills me, even when I don’t particularly feel much sympathy for him.
I also like the headcanon that Narcissa would go visiting him every now and then (I love the idea of them having a sibling kind of bond, I just know Rodolphus always treated her as his little sister)
As I was rereading Thousand Autumns, I collected all of Shen Qiao's sarcastic thoughts he keeps to himself:
"Did Sect Leader Yan rent a courtyard with only one bedroom?" Shen Qiao asked.
Yan Wushi was completely unruffled. "Of course not. But I rented the courtyard, so I can sit wherever I please. You've been unconscious for days, and I've taken care of you for the entire journey. But instead of thanking me, you've been acting all evasive. Was the sect leader of Xuandu Mountain brought up with such rude manners?"
Shen Qiao thought to himself, My manner is evasive because yours is abnormal.
Ruyan Kehui smiled minutely... "The northern kingdoms are vast and abundant, but the southern kingdom is no less so. Once he's tasted Linchuan Academy's tea, perhaps this honored guest will find it unbearable to leave, even without his host imploring him to stay?"
With a claim like that, did the Linchuan Academy drug all their visitors, and that's why they couldn't bear to leave? Shen Qiao couldn't help it and burst out with a chuckle.
Yan Wushi was all smiles. "My A-Qiao is so clever!"
Shen Qiao's face grew dark. Who's your A-Qiao?
"... I suffered some serious injuries, and it took everything I had to escape. Ever since then, I've been too frightened to rashly provoke that guy anymore. A great and honorable grandmaster like him, splitting hairs with a weak woman like me? How petty and unbecoming of him."
You're not a weak woman, thought Shen Qiao. Furthermore, you were the one who snuck into someone else's territory. If they let you come and go as you wish, what's the point of Linchuan Academy's gates? Might as well let people barge in every day.
Shen Qiao placed the lamb soup and flatbread in front of Yan Wushi. "Are you hungry? Eat."
Yan Wushi glanced at Shen Qiao, then quickly dropped his head and mumbled, "Feed me."
Shen Qiao fell silent.
After a long time with no reply, Yan Wushi raised his head to look at Shen Qiao, then said hesitantly, "Like last time... Kis..."
If I knock him unconscious right now, will he wake up with a more normal personality? Shen Qiao contemplated this with all seriousness.
"A-Qiao, why are you ignoring me?"
Because right now I'm contemplating whether to knock you out before we keep going, Shen Qiao thought.
"She's my younger sister," said Shen Qiao.
"Wife," said Yan Wushi.
Shen Qiao and Yan Wushi's eyes met.
Shen Qiao guessed that Yan Wushi had done it on purpose due to his dissatisfaction at being made to dress up like a woman, but he couldn't say too much in front of an outsider. He could only give a light cough and throw in a belated explanation: "This is my cousin. She's a bit immature, so please don't take offense."
It would have been better if he hadn't explained. The moment he did, the peddler instantly imagined a story about a pair of cousins in forbidden love eloping to a faraway land. He quickly nodded repeatedly. "I understand! I understand!"
Shen Qiao was completely baffled. What do you understand? Even I don't understand.
"If you're going to use a disguise, make it a good one. Most women have long fingernails, and even if they don't, they'll paint them. Otherwise, the moment an observant person sees how prominent my knuckles are, they'll immediately know that I'm a man disguised as a woman."
The corner of Shen Qiao's mouth twitched as he thought, How am I supposed to know something like that? I've never disguised myself as one before.
Yan Wushi sputtered a laugh. "All right, all right. Don't be so mad!... Like you said, my martial arts have yet to recover, and my reappearance would be far too ostentatious ... You won't be able to protect me with your current abilities."
And whose fault is that? thought Shen Qiao. You have enemies everywhere, and that's not something everyone can pull off. If not for my concern over the big picture, which prevents me from picking a bone with you, I, too, would have joined the ranks of people trying to kill you.
Yan Wushi peeled off a piece of bark from somewhere, then placed the roasted sparrows on top.
As Shen Qiao looked at them, he immediately found it difficult to keep his mouth from twitching.
Upon that piece of bark, six sparrows were neatly laid out, with one in the center and five arranged evenly around it.
"This dish is called 'Plum Blossom Sparrows.'"
Shen Qiao bit his tongue. You came up with the name yourself, didn't you?
Yan Wushi sighed. "A-Qiao, you're not stupid But your tender heart holds you back. You're always so optimistic when it comes to interpersonal matters, and you never suspect a dark side to them. What would you do if I weren't here?"
If you weren't here, my days would definitely go a hundred times more smoothly! Shen Qiao almost blurted out.
"A-Qiao, you're shivering," Yan Wushi said, mouth against his ear. "Are you wearing too little?" Laughter laced his tone, and he had almost trapped Shen Qiao within his arms.
I'll stop shivering if you let go! Shen Qiao raged internally.
"First, my venerable self doesn't want Guang Lingsan to know that we're close," Yan Wushi replied leisurely. "This is to keep you safe, so you should thank me."
How are you and I close? Shen Qiao thought to himself, but he played along. "I'm grateful for Sect Leader Yan's care."
Yan Wushi's gaze swept over Shen Qiao and Yuwen Song, whose expressions were equally speechless. He casually threw in another line: "I heard that there's a peerless beauty at Bixia Sect, whose name is Yue Kunchi."
Shen Qiao was stunned. "That's the sect leader's shixiong, and...and he's a man. You actually...?"
"That sect leader should be a woman?"
"That's right..."
"Then let me try again," said Yan Wushi. "I heard that the Bixia Sect Leader is a peerless beauty, whose appearance surpasses even Yuan Xiuxiu's. My venerable self has admired her for a long time, so I wish to meet her."
Shen Qiao stared at him.
You don't sound like you've admired her for very long at all.
"A-Qiao, you're words are far too distant considering our current relationship."
What current relationship? Shen Qiao's mouth twitched as he forced himself once again to endure an irrelevant remark from Yan Wushi.
Shen Qiao didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "I never wanted to be the alliance leader!"
Yu Shengyan was confused. "Shizun ordered me to come and help you. If you don't want to be alliance leader, why did he instruct me to do so?"
Shen Qiao thought to himself, Your shizun just does as he pleases, and his actions and words couldn't be further from a normal person's. How am I supposed to know what he's thinking?
Yan Wushi even consoled him. "It's not your fault. I already told you that Hehuan Sect is full of bad people, and that's why you shouldn't mingle with that trash. Like those demonesses, Yuan Xiuxiu and Bai Rong; just stay away when you see them in the future. My A-Qiao is a pure and spirited beauty. How can I let them tarnish you?"
Not like the reputation of your Huanyue Sect is any better than that of Hehuan Sect.
Also, what do you mean, "my A-Qiao"? Who's your A-Qiao?!
The innkeeper couldn’t help but smile and say, “The two gentlemen here are brothers, correct? You’re very close.”
“We’re not brothers,” said Yan Wushi.
“Ah,” said the innkeeper as he hesitated a little. “Then…father and son?”
Yan Wushi didn’t say anything, only smiled suggestively at him. Then he glanced at Shen Qiao, before smiling again at the innkeeper.
The shopkeeper had seen all types of people before, and dawning realization soon surfaced on his face.
“It can’t be helped,” Yan Wushi said. “He’s been difficult the past few days, and we haven’t been getting along.”
The innkeeper was incredibly adaptable. “They all say, with ten years of virtue, you’ll share the same ship of destiny, with a hundred years of virtue you’ll…you know.12 As the two of you are dragons and phoenixes among men, your friendship is likely extraordinary as well. Since you already have this shared destiny, you should make some concessions to each other. You know what they say: amiability is the key to prosperity!”
Shen Qiao was silent. What do you mean, “you know?” Say it clearly!
The words he wanted to say turned in his stomach a few times, and just as he was about to say them, he heard a slight sound coming from Yan Wushi’s table. He couldn’t help but raise his head, just in time to see Yan Wushi’s head drop low as he coughed up blood.
Shen Qiao’s face contorted in horror. All else flew from his mind as he hurriedly leapt up to support him. “What’s wrong? Was the wine poisoned?!”
As Shen Qiao hadn’t touched the jug of wine, he immediately thought that the wine was the issue.
And because this reminded him of his own experience with Joyful Reunion, his complexion looked even worse than Yan Wushi’s.
But then, Yan Wushi suddenly smiled and pulled him into his arms. “Your panic reveals your concern. A-Qiao, your words truly don’t match your heart!”
Shen Qiao stared at him. “You…you weren’t poisoned?”
Yan Wushi wiped the bloodstain from the corner of his lips and said, “I accidentally bit my lip while chewing. I might have been too agitated.”
Agitated to the point of vomiting blood?
To hell with your lies!
Yan Wushi added, “Yuwen Xian was weak, but he was skilled with military administration, as well as an excellent commander. Even if he couldn’t have inherited Yuwen Yong’s legacy, he wouldn’t have squandered the family’s wealth entirely. Unfortunately, Yuwen Yong couldn’t break free from the shackles of tradition and insisted on his son inheriting the throne. His vision was far too narrow and shallow. He labored his entire life and ended up being killed by his son, and all his hard work has come to nothing. Such misfortune he brought upon himself!”
He showed little respect for the previous emperor, his criticisms flowing forth the moment he opened his mouth. Anyone else hearing this would have been terrified out of their wits, but Shen Qiao couldn’t help but internally roll his eyes. He thought, Didn’t you get ambushed by those martial experts in the capital of Tuyuhun? You even ended up with a crack in your skull and almost lost your life. You call Yuwen Yong shallow, but where was your foresight then?
Yan Wushi didn’t even turn back as he joked, “A-Qiao, I didn’t expect you, an upright gentleman, to develop the bad habit of silently cursing someone behind his back. That’s not good!”
Yan Wushi smiled and said, "If you dislike them, I naturally dislike them as well. Considering our relationship, if we don't present a united front, people will misunderstand, won't they?"
What relationship? And people won't misunderstand if you say it like this? Shen Qiao was stunned by Yan Wushi's ability to argue black into white. "Sect Leader Yan worries too much," he said. "This humble Daoist isn't a member of Huanyue Sect. Even if Sect Leader Yan and I don't have a united front, no one will misunderstand."
“That’s fine,” said Yan Wushi. “It’s about time, anyway. With your current martial prowess, you might not be able to chop Yu Ai into eight pieces, but stabbing a sword through his heart should be doable.”
Shen Qiao was left almost speechless. “Just because I’m going doesn’t mean I have to kill someone!”
Can you not spout such bloodthirsty words all the time?
Yan Wushi's smile widened. "A-Qiao, are you worried about me?"
"No," said Shen Qiao.
"You're lying," said Yan Wushi.
Shen Qiao said nothing. Then why did you even ask?
“That’s why you’re special,” said Yan Wushi. “These things are truly worldly possessions that you see as external to you. I’ve thought about it for a long time, but I couldn’t think of anything that I can repay you with, so I can only repay you with myself. What do you say?”
Of course not! Shen Qiao was dumbfounded. When he saw Yan Wushi about to lower his head, he slammed a palm into his chest without hesitation.
Shen Qiao glanced over at Yan Wushi. His eyes were still closed; it looked like he’d fallen asleep.
With Shen Qiao’s character, he’d never do a thing like shaking someone awake, but hurt suddenly burst inside his heart: You were the one who kept provoking me, but now you’re going to ignore me instead?
Of course, Shen Qiao’s thoughts weren’t this straightforward, but this was the general idea.
Yan Wushi didn’t put up any resistance and let Shen Qiao drag him there. However, his face grew a little bit colder. “I helped extricate you from a predicament in the palace,” he said. “This is how Daoist Master Shen repays me?”
What do you mean, extricate?! It’s obvious that you wanted to enter the palace to watch the show yourself!
“Do you know what I currently regret the most?” Yan Wushi suddenly asked.
Shen Qiao looked back at him in confusion. His thoughts seemed to have been churned into paste by an invisible hand; even his gaze overflowed with bewilderment, and his hair was mussed from all the fondling. He was the perfect picture of an innocent, guileless little creature, just waiting for some evil-intentioned person to ravage him.
“If I’d known this would happen,” Yan Wushi said, “I’d have bought all the residences within this alley.”
What does buying residences have to do with regret? Shen Qiao wondered in a daze.
Yan Wushi’s tongue took the opportunity to invade even more deeply. Even the skin around his collarbone was stained with a dark blush. His breaths came in heaves, beyond his control.
Yan Wushi didn’t forget to tease him. “If it’d been someone else who was full of malice, they’d never let you off so easily.”
The person with the most malice is you!
Yan Wushi placed the pears back into the basket. “What should we bet this time? And Sect Leader Shen shouldn’t be too stingy.”
Shen Qiao shook his head. “I’m not betting this time.”
“Afraid now?”
Shen Qiao thought, I’m afraid that you’ll come up with some new method to retaliate against me even harder if you lose. With how vengeful you are, Sect Leader Yan, you’re always able to concoct twisted ideas that no one else can, so there’s no way to guard against you.
But ultimately, these words were too difficult for him to say because if he enraged or embarrassed Yan Wushi, the unfortunate one would always end up being Shen Qiao.
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