On relationships, cycles, and hope
So, I’m in a courtroom. It’s nothing major in the grand scheme of things legally, but it means a lot more in my personal life.
When someone comes from a family of maladjusted people who rely on inappropriate methods to deal with life, they tend to lack structure and nurturing and instead experience chaos. It takes a long time for an adult to learn how to program themselves out of the cycle of unsustainable strategies, tactics, coping mechanisms, and counterproductive patterns of behavior. But only in doing these things can my perspective change to one that is more beneficial to myself and others.
I’m a drunk and a drug addict. I don’t have my kid anymore because I had a blackout drunk the day I got out of the mental hospital. I don’t feel supported by my husband because he brought beer around me after I told him not to, and my decision instead of attempting to communicate with him was to prove to him how much of a mistake it is to bring alcohol around me. Needless to say, I ended up in jail.
My situation brings to light a number of brutal truths. First, my life may have been messed up by other people, but it’s my responsibility to disallow that fact from ruining me. I have a support network, and it’s my responsibility to use it. I am responsible for my mental health. I do not have to react in any way to something someone else does or does not do, and if I do react then it’s my choice. I have this case. I could either self destruct, or do what I know how to do regardless of my husband’s method of dealing with this difficult thing. I know that, ultimately, it is my responsibility to do what God tells me to do and to keep that channel clear for further instruction. If I do what I am supposed to do, I will get our daughter back. Another brutal truth is that I have done things to bring me to this point where I have few people to rely on. What that means, though, really, is that God and people who I WORK to maintain relationships with are going to be my support. I have certainly used far too many people, and so here I am, learning how to be an adult. The next factoid, referring to my reliance on God, is that I can really ONLY RELY ON GOD. I have done so many things according to my own willpower, but I am so selfish, delusional, and impulsive that I require the guidance of Jesus Christ every day. I am so grateful for the blessings that have come from being willing to rely on the guidance of Christ.
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