I wanted to share this article from the beginning of the pandemic that explains Trauma Responses and how they physiologically happen. I think it can help with a lot of feelings of guilt and shame to know about these things.
This section specifically really helped us:
"Right now, with the COVID19 experience globally, we as individuals (and as communities) are experiencing a trauma response. There is no way you can actively “fight” the actual virus itself, and there is no way to get away from the experience of the pandemic (“flight”). It impacts us in every area of our lives, and has impacted all of the people around us. No one is “safe”, and everyone around us is also responding to the same experience. Our brain literally steps down into the “freeze” response.
It is important to remember that all of your feelings are valid as you adjust to all of this and feel the impact of it in many ways. Everything you feel is okay, and all of your feelings are normal. It makes sense why you are responding the way that you are.
You may feel more tired, slow, or less motivated while in the “freeze” response. It may be difficult to focus, pay attention to others, or complete tasks. You may be hypervigilant in other ways, like staring at patterns of tile in the bathroom or at light dancing on leaves outside. You may struggle to focus on conversation, tolerate the noise of children, or stick to any kind of routine. You may feel pulled down by gravity, struggle to smile, or forget to laugh. Time may get slippery, the days blur together, and hours disappear. You may feel less real, or like you are watching yourself, or like the world around you is unbelievable.
The word for all of this is “dissociation”, which is a continuum of the “freeze” response.
You may also experience some grief responses for your loss of normalcy, the loss of your routine, and especially loss of contact with friends. You may also miss the ease with which things were accessible while still taken for granted. You may crave the earlier stability you experienced from your work or other routines. You may feel at a loss without the validation that you are busy enough, doing enough, or productive enough.
Link again so you don't have to scroll up
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