They call me Spectacular Starshade.
S-tier hero. Capital S. The kind of title whispered in awe, tattooed on superfans, and used to threaten unruly deities during interdimensional negotiations.
But here's the freaky little truth:
My power?
My one and only ability?
I can detect the emotional state of bread.
Yes. Bread.
Not people. Not animals. Not even cursed food, just regular, boring, gluten-containing bread.
Sourdough? Occasionally anxious.
Rye? Insecure.
Ciabatta? Wants to fight.
It’s absolutely, catastrophically, universe-wreckingly useless.
But somehow, nobody knows.
Not the League.
Not the press.
Not the villains.
Not even me, for the first six months—I thought I had empathy. Turns out I was just standing near a panini press.
My first mission? I tripped over a rat-goblin and knocked over a vat of volatile plasmic ink onto the villain Vortex-Butcher. It erased his memories. The world called it tactical genius.
Second mission? The Doom Prophet was holding the city hostage until someone solved his riddle. I blurted out “banana” because a nearby banana loaf was feeling smug.
It was the correct answer.
Again: Tactical. Genius.
And now? Now I’m too deep. I’m on lunchboxes. I have a cologne. There’s a statue of me in downtown Guttervale punching a comet (?? I have never punched a comet).
And the villains? They fear me.
They whisper that I manipulate time. That I bend probability. That I "consume fate through a straw."
I once tripped during a rooftop battle and accidentally kicked the villain Queen Spasm into her own portal. Everyone thought it was a “fifth-dimensional judo move.” I didn’t even know I had legs at the time—I was in a panic spiral about whether focaccia can get depressed. (It can.)
So now, I live in terror.
Not of villains. Not of cosmic threats.
But of toast.
Because if someone sees me staring deeply into a toaster and murmuring “it’s okay, you’re enough,” they’re going to figure it out.
The bread knows my secret.
And it’s only a matter of time before someone asks it.
andulkaphoto
snowghoul
janainaart
yousharknotpass
