The beloved internet writer talks to Heather Havrilesky about his new identity.
Toast co-founder, writer and advice columnist Daniel Mallory Ortberg has shared that he is transgender, introducing the world this week to his new name and pronouns. In an interview with The Cut published today, he spoke about what the process has been like, especially in light of the release of his new book, “The Merry Spinster,” which talks a lot about gender.
Here’s an excerpt from the interview:
What has been your biggest fear in terms of coming out? I think the biggest fear that I have had, which I am now not doing, was the idea of going on this book tour and not being out, just because I anticipated being asked a lot of questions like “So there’s a whole bunch of stuff about gender in your book, what’s that about?” And I’d have to say something like, “Oh, isn’t that interesting? But there’s no personal connection or anything, it’s just a thought experiment!” I was really anxious at the thought of going on a book tour and sidestepping something. […]
In your career, you’ve really defined exactly what you want to do every step of the way, to the point of creating your own weird genres just to suit your own needs. But this process sounds like it took you off guard. Yeah, you always surprise yourself. There are ways in which I feel supremely confident, like when it comes to making friends, or work stuff. But this, for me, was a thing where there was less confidence than I normally get to have. It was like, “Where has your fucking chutzpah gone, my buddy?” Where’s Barbra Streisand singing “Don’t Rain on My Parade”? Where’s the fun? And part of what’s been actually good about taking these steps toward transitioning and coming out for me is: “Oh, this is not just loss and pain and anxiety. This is exciting, thrilling, energizing, and fun.” And I get to find a different version of myself that’s not just like “Hey guys, I’m sad. I lost my gender. I don’t know where it went. Everything’s a mess.”
A big part of this last year was “Oh, shit, I think I’m going to have to transition. I can’t possibly transition.” And then, finally, “Holy shit, I get to transition? This is awesome.” And suddenly I was like, “I want things, and I am thrilled by things, and I’m energized, and I want to look at myself, and I want to pay careful attention to how this makes me feel. This is amazing.” […]
Now that you’re really putting it all out there, does it change your perception of your new book a little? Do you have a new sense of “Oh, I see how this is kind of like an embossed invitation to meet the new me!”? Oh man, I do in some ways. On the one hand, it’s very much a work of fiction. It is not a thinly veiled retelling of relationships and experiences I have had personally. And yet I also began thinking very seriously about my gender identity and the possibility of transition about halfway through writing it. And the title, the idea of a merry spinster — the idea of jolly, self-sufficient female solitude — that’s very dear to me. And in some very real ways, that’s no longer mine.
There’s a line in one of the stories in the book, Cast Your Bread Upon The Waters, where the main character – whose gender is never clarified – refers to their son, against whom they’ve been plotting murder, like this: “My son Johnnie was very beautiful, and I loved him.” It’s one of the first unmitigated statements they make about a person they very clearly loved but are trying to build a case against. Only after they’ve done the deed can they honestly say, I loved him. I don’t want to cheapen the story by saying, “Ah, yes, I too have released someone I love into the sea, it is a point-by-point allegory for transition.” But man. That merry spinster, that Toastified Mallory Ortberg — she was beautiful, and I loved her. And she is! And I do! And she is not gone, there has been no death, no act of violence, no act of disavowal or abnegation or dismissal. And yet she’s not here in the way that she was. Anyhow, it’s a good book, I think, and I’m glad we wrote it.
Congratulations, Daniel. We love you so much!
