Saltwater Pages

𝓦𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓼 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓷 𝓫𝓪𝓬𝓴. ✨

[sayreenagrasya]

Finding Myself (Or At Least Trying To)

This morning, a friend reached out to me, and her message made me pause. It pushed me to reflect on my current self—on how I feel right now, why I chose to live the way I’m living, and whether I’ve truly found myself yet.

A few days ago, I couldn’t stop thinking about freedom. Not the glamorous kind, but the quiet kind that lets you breathe without feeling judged. Lately, I’ve been carrying this invisible pressure—as if I need to behave the way people expect me to. I catch myself hiding parts of who I am depending on the group I’m with, never showing the whole picture.

But deep down, what I want is simple: to feel unchained, to spread my wings, to finally fly high as myself. To be accepted as I am—even the parts I usually tuck away. Because the truth is, it’s hard to accept yourself when others won’t. And yet, I also crave a “normal” life. But what does “normal” even mean? Is my version of it different from theirs?

I can’t say I’ve fully found myself yet. What I’ve found are different versions of me—and honestly, I like them all. Each represents a piece of Xyreen. But not all of them fit neatly into the communities I try to belong to.

Right now, I don’t know where my choices will lead. But what I do feel is a strange kind of contentment—satisfaction mixed with self-preservation. And I’m holding onto hope. Hope that one day I’ll have the courage to believe in myself fully. Hope that I’ll dare to go beyond what’s easy to reach.

Because lately, I’ve only been grasping what’s within arm’s length. One day, I want to risk reaching for something truly valuable—something that feels like flight.

[sayreenagrasya]

Once a Fleeting Moment

The other day, I met someone—a fellow who helped mark the start of a new chapter in my life, a decade ago.

As we looked at each other, a familiar feeling surfaced, quiet and unmistakable.

We caught up briefly, though most of our time was spent among his old friends. Still, we shared a moment—quietly joyful and unforgettable.

In just two days, I felt the happiest I had in a long while simply being around him. Somewhere in that time, I found myself reaching again for a hope I thought I had lost a year ago.

He left, and yet I was still hung over by his presence—ecstatic, smiling into nothing.

But it didn’t last long. He had filled so much unseen space that when he was gone, I realized I felt like a child who had lost their mother in a crowded place.

[sayreenagrasya]

He said, “thank you for the amazing memories…it was so short but so sweet.”

[sayreenagrasya]

But With You

The world tells me it isn’t right to be with you.

The world says I am making the wrong choice.

The world says this is sin.

The world says this is temporary happiness.

But with you, I feel like I am held with tender and care.

But with you, I feel like I am the most gorgeous girl in the world.

But with you, I feel the happiest.

But with you, I feel my life-long scars heal.

[sayreenagrasya]

If you could choose between empathy and anger, always choose empathy.

- Just For The Summer

[sayreenagrasya]

Home supposed to feel safe.

Home is where we first learn to love and to be loved. If we have loving parents, when we get hurt, where do we go to? Home. It should be place where you know you’re safe and accepted. It’s a safe space. Not a space where you are forced to escape from.

[sayreenagrasya]

Unfolding My Truths (SE #1)

Growing up in a poor, abusive Filipino household has been my deepest shame. I thought it was normal—like every kid who grew up with it does. But as a child, I realized early that it was not something I could go around and talk about.

While my friends were talking about what gifts their parents would get them for Christmas, I was just hoping I’d get to eat a fruit on Christmas Eve.

Where others feel safe in their parents’ care, I fear showing even a small wound to mine, knowing it will only bring me more pain—physically and emotionally.

On top of it all, I grew up with a father who cheated, a constant reminder that even the people who are supposed to protect you can betray you. It left me questioning trust, love, and what a family is even meant to be.

Now that I’ve grown into a woman who can walk away from any abuse, I am free to live life on my own terms. Yet the Filipino culture tethers me, demanding loyalty to a family that never gave me the same.

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Melissa Cox

[whendidmythoughtsgocrazy]

And if I'm meant to be alone, please take away my desire to be loved.

k.b. // unknown

[lavaditto]

If someone really wants you in their life, they find some way to show it, even with distance, even with work.

[sayreenagrasya]

Someone told me, “if there is a chance for you to stand both feet in two separate worlds, take it.”

[sayreenagrasya]

Once a Fleeting Moment

The other day, I met someone—a fellow who helped mark the start of a new chapter in my life, a decade ago.

As we looked at each other, a familiar feeling surfaced, quiet and unmistakable.

We caught up briefly, though most of our time was spent among his old friends. Still, we shared a moment—quietly joyful and unforgettable.

In just two days, I felt the happiest I had in a long while simply being around him. Somewhere in that time, I found myself reaching again for a hope I thought I had lost a year ago.

He left, and yet I was still hung over by his presence—ecstatic, smiling into nothing.

But it didn’t last long. He had filled so much unseen space that when he was gone, I realized I felt like a child who had lost their mother in a crowded place.

[sayreenagrasya]

Finding Myself (Or At Least Trying To)

This morning, a friend reached out to me, and her message made me pause. It pushed me to reflect on my current self—on how I feel right now, why I chose to live the way I’m living, and whether I’ve truly found myself yet.

A few days ago, I couldn’t stop thinking about freedom. Not the glamorous kind, but the quiet kind that lets you breathe without feeling judged. Lately, I’ve been carrying this invisible pressure—as if I need to behave the way people expect me to. I catch myself hiding parts of who I am depending on the group I’m with, never showing the whole picture.

But deep down, what I want is simple: to feel unchained, to spread my wings, to finally fly high as myself. To be accepted as I am—even the parts I usually tuck away. Because the truth is, it’s hard to accept yourself when others won’t. And yet, I also crave a “normal” life. But what does “normal” even mean? Is my version of it different from theirs?

I can’t say I’ve fully found myself yet. What I’ve found are different versions of me—and honestly, I like them all. Each represents a piece of Xyreen. But not all of them fit neatly into the communities I try to belong to.

Right now, I don’t know where my choices will lead. But what I do feel is a strange kind of contentment—satisfaction mixed with self-preservation. And I’m holding onto hope. Hope that one day I’ll have the courage to believe in myself fully. Hope that I’ll dare to go beyond what’s easy to reach.

Because lately, I’ve only been grasping what’s within arm’s length. One day, I want to risk reaching for something truly valuable—something that feels like flight.