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@sayydeerayyy
Every night I said the same thing.
I wanted you to be okay. I believe you. I trusted you. Every night I said, goodnight I love you, sleep tight, and if you need me, wake me up. For some reason those words haunt me. And tonight I hate you. You broke me and I let it happen. I hope you’re happy.
I mean why not right?
Sometimes the happiest you’ll ever be is only a few seconds. But those few seconds are like the world stopped just for you. And tonight I’m sad, but I keep telling myself enjoy the happy. It wasn’t meant to last.
Idk what made me log into there and read all of my old post. But wow. That was a bad idea.
Goodnight world. Not sure anyone uses this anymore. But it seemed like a good escape for tonight ❤️
“I hope you remember that I loved you more than anyone has ever loved you before.”
— Justina Butkovic (via thoughtkick)
Its hard.
I cant exactly explain how or why I feel the way I do. I'm not sure I even want to. But I want to be better. I want to help everyone and I know I cant. I want to be happy and I'm not sure I know how to anymore. I want to paint. I want to write. I want to read. But my mind never relaxes. I'm exhausted. I'm sad. I'm hurt. And I feel like I am failing so bad! Idk what to do. Idk where to turn. I want to sleep. I want to run away. This is awful and I hate it :(
Sometimes
Sometimes I cant help but lay in bed and wonder why. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do people die? Why do we hurt one another? Why are people so rude? Why is love so hard?
I often find myself thinking the worst. Thinking about things that havent happened yet. I make myself so upset and nothing even happened.
But then I remeber what I've been through. I am tough! And I am okay. But sometimes I wonder. Why do I love the wrong people? Why do I love people who could care less about me?
This day last year, you promised to love me forever. And clearly that was a lie. You couldnt put the bottle down. And to this day you still cant. I left. I tried and I tried and I fucking tried but you still couldn't let go. You have demons so big I couldn't imagine. But I promise you, the alcohol isnt helping. You're blocked. We havent talked. But you leave me voicemails daily. Multiple times a day. And every single one breaks my heart a little more. I am strong, and I dont let them ruin my day. But at night when i lay in bed, i am so angry! You still win, no matter what you still fucking win and it's so unfair.
It was before you. I wasnt whole. I left pieces of myself everywhere and never cleaned them up. I chose to love others instead of myself. I chose to be with people who needed me, and not who loved me. But I love with my whole heart. I give my all, and I just haven't found my person.
I feel alone. I feel stupid. I feel less than okay. Life keeps going it doesnt stop. People are going to die, people are going to leave when you dont want them to. It's all part of life. But sometimes I just dont understand. And I wish my mind would stop thinking the worst because my heart cant handle it.
Sometimes I just have to cry.
Help
Anxiety and depression have been haunting me for weeks. But my god tonight I'm drowning. My stomach hurts. I'm scared of everything. I just want a break :( I want it all to go away. I want to be okay. I'm trying really hard, but it isnt easy. Hopefully tomorrow is better 😫
I have a lot to give, but "not enough"
I miss having someone by my side. The good the bad and the ugly. I miss being needed. Wanted. Cared about. Loved. Excited to see someone. A friend. A best friend. A lover. I miss the small things. Cuddling. Making dinner. Hugging. Kissing. I just want to feel together again. I miss being with someone who wants to be with me. But I dont miss the heart break.
#lonely
To no one, but someone
I hope this life is everything you wanted it to be. I hope your days are always good. I hope no one ever hurts you or leaves you sad. I pray that you get everything out of this life that there is. I hope you never experience what it feels like to be so left out. To hurt. To not understand where you went wrong. I hope your feelings dont get hurt. I hope you have a million friends and no one leaves you hanging. I hope you never sleep alone, and your heart is always happy. I hope you never feel the way I do. I hope you're happy.
Because.
Hurting sucks. Being alone sucks. Having no one sucks. Being left out sucks. Sleeping alone sucks. Being so sad all the time sucks. Your feelings being hurt sucks. Being so lost sucks. But most of all, feeling empty sucks.
Thoughts in my head,, while on break at work.
How do I put this into words...I'm lost.
Extremely lost, it's like I'm fighting a battle in my head but no words come out. I hate this whole being alone shit. But maybe it's good for me? The whole thing with matt getting arrested has my brain going in circles. I dont understand why I always see the best in everyone and give them the benefit of the doubt. Like I know that's not him. I know hes a better person. He has a daughter. Why is is so stupid???? I know he did it I have no doubts there. But why? And why am I so scared by it? He can hurt me,, but someone else can. Which is why I think It made it so easy for me to block alex for good. He is the same way and will only get worse. I want more out of life than babysitting alcoholics.
Will I ever learn to grow up? Have a good job, my own place, save money. Go on trips? Why do I live the same boring life day in and day out. I'm so over it. But I spend money like water. And hate working. It's a terrible cycle. I just want to have a good life and do fun things.
Why doesnt my mom quit smoking. Shes so fucking sick and can't breathe. It's so scary. But she wont fix it. It's so hard to watch.
I'm so overweight. I need to figure out a plan and focus and get serious. I'm so unhappy with myself and I take it out on everyone. Yet food makes me happy. But in the end with my stomach issues it makes me miserable.
Just venting. I need a break.
Mehh
I dont want to be alone forever.
I'm not even sure I know how to date anymore. Shits so complicated and people suck. But my heart is huge and I want to love and be happy. And give someone my all. But why do I get hung up on losers? Ugh. Sitting alone and I just have so many thoughts. And I'm such a chicken. It's annoying and idk how to fix it. I just want someone to love me and be faithful and have fun and go through life together. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently :(
The Mind.
Thoughs run wild when its time to sleep. A million things ill never have answers to that keep me up at night. Alex. I left because u gave me no choice. You are an addict. Ive loved plenty in my 26 years on this earth. In fact, i feel like too many. But this time it felt different. I was positive you were going to change. You were going to get help and become the greatest person i know you can be. But i was wrong yet again. Instead i let you destroy me. Tear me down, make me feel as if i was stuck. And so on and so forth. You went back to your old ways again. You lost yourself. You have had a hard life, you have every right to feel the way you do, but you have to find new ways to excape. Easier said than done, and you cant get help till you are ready. But its too late now. I havent cried. I havent seen you. Its different than anything ive ever done. But maybe just maybe this was the lesson i needed. You hurt me. Im sad im mad im angry. But most of all my heart hurts for you. Ill always be here, rooting for you, but from the other side of the fense. Please get help.
Life has a weird way of teaching us strange things in the lowest times of our lives. How people really dont care about you. They want and need for themselves. Ive watched it time and time again, and this time it isnt only to me. A lifelong friend needed help and no one was there. It broke my heart. No matter how good you are and how much you do,people will still leave you when you need them most.
I have a good job, a great family, and many friends. But i feel so alone. My mind races at night.
You came over tonight, and it was like you haddent had adult conversation in weeks. You talked and talked and i listened. We cuddled, we laughed, it was great. You made comments about how you missed me and its been about a year now since we last seen each other. It was great. But now im left in my own thoughts. Your closeness is what i needed. And i got it. You needed a shoulder and I was here. But then what?
I cannot save everyone. I want to text you and tell you to have a good day. To be safe driving. To enjoy your time with your kids. To let you know im here. But when is it too much? Do you know that i care? Do you know that im just being a genuinely nice person? And that i do this with all my friends?
I wake up in the morning and text most my friends and just give them the general, good morning, have a great day text. And i mean it. I hope your day is filled with smiles. I hope nothing brings you down. I hope you enjoy your friends and family. I truly hope you have a great day. I do this because i want people to know i am rooting for you! But when is it my turn? When do i find the friend, the lover the whoever that feels the way i do? Because i always pick the ones who need me more.
God has been so good. God is always good. Its me who struggles. Me who strays. But hes always here when i wonder back on the right path. I have found my love for worship music again. I jam in my car. I try to give it all to him. Im slowly learning, that he is where i need to be. Its hard but im getting there. I wonder if the things i pray for are coming soon, as i pray to find someone who loves me the way i need, and to stop giving my all to those who dont want to help themselves. I think maybe i need to do mission work again. Save those who really need me, and be able to leave.
My moms sick again and refusing to get help. Its crazy. She isnt the same. I dont know how to help and cant help but to get mad because it's like shes giving up. I have to try harder.
My attitude sucks. I hate work. But i clearly need the money. How do i do better and not have such a negative attitude when i am there. Others laziness isnt my issue.
I will be okay. I will continue to help. I will continue to find my reason and my place in this life. I will love the lord a little more and find my way.
But at night my mind races.
My soul
It's like my soul hurts or something. Like I'm missing such a huge piece of me but I can't figure it out. I'm lost and I dont know why. I want to be alone, I know I need to change and self love. But the minute I hang out with someone its like I automatically catch feelings because I'm broken and long for the attention I want so badly. I'm not sad. But I'm not happy. I'm lost. No one really cares. Friends are cool, family is alright, but no one is concerned about anything butt themselves. It's a crazy world we live in. No one is honest. Everyone cheats and lies. No one is who they say they are. So how do you be happy? Alone. Alone it is. I'm scared but I've learned that this is necessary. I cannot live with someone who destroys me. Why is our world so cruel, and why does my soul feel so empty?
Tumblr can be wholesome
Beyond repair.
My mind is like a lost child. It screaming. Its crying. Its begging someone to find me and make things okay. But nothing is okay. My anxiety, depression, and bipolar are the worst they have been in years. My mother has cancer. My boyfriend is in end stage renal failure. My life is busy. I have no friends. I miss so many people that I'm not aloud to miss. My heart hurts. My "best friend" wont talk to me cuz hes too busy. My friends consist of my exs who I adore but sometimes people dont understand that. Im broken. I hurt. I cry. I push everyone away. I lose my mind. I sleep a lot. I'm on the verge of losing my job. I cant focus. I can't do anything anymore. And of I do, I'm mean, I'm crabby, I'm just flat out awful to be around. Im beyond repair and this time I feel it in every inch of my body. All I want is my mom healthy and happy. And I cannot do that and its destroying me. I just want someone to save me for once. But please save her first. I need her. Shes my whole entire world ❤
My heart hurts
You didn't start out this way... that's a lie you had a disease the moment I met you. But I thought you could overcome it. I thought you were this picture perfect guy I was supposed to be with. So kind, so handsome. Said all the right things. But slowly you destroyed me. You made me a prisoner in my own home. You controlled my every move. You cheated on me more times than I can count. But I still had faith in you. I wanted you to be this hard working family man I knew you had the potential to be, but that wasn't the case. Everyday things got worse. And now after your gone, I still fine myself crying because I'm so worried. The alcohol is winning again. Your daughter is suffering. You have ruined so many things in your life to this demond. And continue to allow it to consume you. I wish you'd get better. Your daughter needs you. That girl loves you more than ever. She doesn't deserve to watch this. You are so smart, so strong, and have so much potential. Please get help. It's breaking my heart that things ended the way they did, and I'm so terrified of you. But it's life. And I will be better soon. As for you, I will pray. Please get better. I don't want to be sad anymore.
