The Arrival of the Royal Baby, as Told by a String of Tweets from Maureen Johnson
Really proud to be the official US Twitter account for the release of ROYAL BABY NEWS! Thanks to everyone at the Palace! *waves at box*
2. THIS JUST IN…all the spiders in England are starting to move in the direction of the St. Mary’s Hospital, London. IT IS A SIGN!
3. If you are around St. Mary’s, make way for the millions of spiders that are now creeping across the country to greet the child. #royalbaby
4. If you listen closely, you will hear the faint singing of the moon. The moon traditionally sings during royal births. #royalbaby
5. The moon is a great prognosticator. If it sings songs from musicals, the child is a boy. For a girl, it’s usually Phil Collins. #royalbaby
6. shhhhhhh… listen! Listen to the moon! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOLmIkwCOKk …
7. In related news…Phil Collins, now covered in spiders, is making is way to St. Mary’s Hospital, London.
8. He doesn’t seem to know where he is. He’s stumbling down the street. IMPORTANT: DO NOT TOUCH PHIL COLLINS AT THIS TIME.
9. This is an entirely NEW omen and we do not yet know its meaning.
10. The spiders are starting to make a great web, enclosing St. Mary’s Hospital. And there seems to be writing in the web…
11. The first word of the spider writing has emerged. It says DON’T. What are they trying to tell us?
12. Another word has appeared, further on. It says PRINCE. WHAT DO THE SPIDERS KNOW?
13. The moon is signaling for a girl. But are the spiders telling us boy?
14. Another word is taking shape … so far we have SPE … they’re still writing this one …
15. And another is coming on. So far … LE …
16. Wait, the spiders’ message is becoming clear now. DON’T LET…
17. DON’T LET PRINCE … .
18. The message is complete. DON’T LET PRINCE PHILIP SPEAK. Sound advice from the spiders on this momentous occasion.
19. The spiders are clearly trying to protect the child. Meanwhile, the spider-covered singer Phil Collins still makes his way across London.
20. Many people trying to pick the spiders off of Phil Collins. Please: DO NOT TOUCH PHIL COLLINS AT THIS TIME. He must continue on his journey.
21. The moon has stopped singing and Phil Collins seems to be lost somewhere in the Hyde Park area. There is no need for panic. #royalbaby
22. Reports of monsters in the St. James area are entirely unfounded. #royalbaby
23. It appears that the Thames has vanished and been replaced by an identical copy. This means the birth is imminent. Please stand by.
24. RETRACTION: the Thames has not vanished and been replaced by an exact copy. Now we have no idea when the birth will be.
25. REPORT: Prince Philip has chewed through his restraints and escaped through a Palace window. Whereabouts unknown.
26. REPORT: Price Philip spotted zooming toward St. Mary’s Hospital on a scooter. DO NOT ENGAGE.
27. Phil Collins has reappeared and is moving toward the hospital on a RIVER OF SPIDERS. Things seem to be moving faster.
28. Phil Collins and the spiders are just a few streets away from St. Mary’s Hospital. Do not be alarmed if everything is spiders.
29. Prince Philip has reached St. Mary’s Hospital and is now fighting the spiders, one by one. They continue to try to block his entry.
30. Phil Collins and the spiders have reached St. Mary’s Hospital and are now engaged in combat with Prince Philip.
31. They’ve both been absorbed into the mass of spiders that throbs and heaves over the hospital. No one can get a good view.
32. BREAKING NEWS: Elton John is punching his way through the spiders! He is carrying some kind of scroll…it seems to be very important…
33. Elton John and the scroll have now been fully absorbed into the mass of spiders, joining Phil Collins and Prince Philip…
34. What is on the scroll? What does Elton John want? What is Phil Collins doing? Will Prince Philip get to the baby? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
35. Listen … . the moon … it’s singing again … IT’S ALL GETTING CLOSE.
36. BREAKING: Andrew Lloyd Webber has been seen running toward Buckingham Palace with a scroll IDENTICAL to the one carried by Elton John.
37. Current speculation is that Elton John and Andrew Lloyd Webber are writing COMPETING MUSICALS about the royal birth.
38. The spiders have started singing along with the moon.
39. Phil Collins has emerged on the roof of the hospital. The spider lift him high into the air. He appears to be ready to make a statement…
40. …and Prince Philip HAS TACKLED PHIL COLLINS.
41. A helicopter has appeared and is swooping down over the hospital. The pilot is wearing a mask. Please stand by …
42. Several masked figures have leapt from the helicopter and have landed on the roof of St. Mary’s Hospital …
43. My god … it’s the ENTIRE CAST OF DOWNTON ABBEY.
44. Prince Philip seems to know he’s been cornered. He’s backing up … and … he’s VANISHED.
45. The cast of Downton Abbey have taken up strategic positions on the hospital roof and appear to be on guard. The spiders respect them.
46. The Dowager Countess appears to be in charge…no surprises there. She’s thrown down some kind of recording device to the media.
47. The recording contains only one sentence: “This one is for Sybil.“ Things have really gotten quite dramatic.
48. Phil Collins takes up his position on the tower of spiders once again. He appears to be in a trance. He speaks…
49. FULL TEXT OF PHIL COLLIN’S STATEMENT: “And when the rider comes on a white horse, ye shall know the child.” Collins then fainted.
50. BREAKING: A single white horse has been reported missing in London. IS THIS THE HORSE PROPHESIED BY PHIL COLLINS?
51. Meanwhile, the cast of Downton Abbey and the spiders have effectively sealed off St. Mary’s Hospital. Do not approach the area.
52. There is considerable speculation on the rider of the white horse spoken of by Phil Collins. No details are known at this time.
53. The Dowager Countess is firing at news helicopters that try to get an arial view of the hospital. There is screaming.
54. Mr. Bates and Anna assembling some kind of large weapon while the Dowager Countess continues to keep the press at bay.
55. Phil Collins has not been seen since he made his statement. It is unclear whether or not he is still on the roof of the hospital.
56. Unconfirmed reports of a lone rider on a white horse in Hyde Park. Developing …
57. THE RIDER APPEARS.
58. THE RIDER APPROACHES THE HOSPITAL.
59. THE RIDER IS BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH. AND HE IS NAKED. HE WAVES A SIGN SAYING THE CHILD IS A BOY.
60. Phil Collins has re-appeared on the roof of the hospital. The cast of Downton Abbey maintain the boundary.
61. “ What happened to phil Collins?“ Once released from the trance, he came down from the hospital roof and rickshawed home.
62. The spiders also receded. The cast of Downton Abbey abseiled off the building and remain at large.
63. Benedict Cumberbatch also remains at large on his horse, possibly still naked. We have no confirmation on this.
64. *the moon sings quietly*
MAUREEN JOHNSON, EVERYBODY!
Wait, is this baby going to prince of England or Night Vale?
…
…What an interesting day yesterday seems to have been. :)
