punk on a boat @scottyskindaintoit - Tumblr Blog

really recommend getting a partner with a different religion than you and very little knowledge of your religion because the opportunities for explaining things to each other are just exquisite

aquaflv

yesterday she told me some story about the Buddha's wife and child and I was like. Wait. He fucked? And she was like yeah of course he fucked, why wouldn't he, he was the most attractive and loveable and and wise and etc. person who ever lived. why would he not fuck.

aquaflv

this morning she looked perplexed in the kitchen at me and said "did Jesus not fuck?"

penny-anna

okay, for those interested, here is a full timeline of how we got to Count Binface:

1977: Star Wars is released, featuring, of course, Darth Vader

(Pictured: Darth Vader)

1984: Director Todd Durham releases his Star Wars parody movie, Hyperspace, featuring Darth Vader inspired villain Lord Buckethead.

(Pictured: Hyperspace poster featuring two Jawa-esque aliens flying through space in a shopping trolley.)

1987: Hyperspace is released on video in the UK, under the new title Gremloids.

(Pictured: Gremloids cover in the style of the original Star Wars poster, featuring Lord Buckethead.)

To promote the film, Mike Lee, the owner of the distributing company, ran for parliament as Lord Buckethead. He ran in Margaret Thatcher's constituency, Finchley, in order to get on TV. Lord Buckethead was representing the Gremloids party.

(Pictured: Lord Buckethead on TV with Margaret Thatcher.)

1992: Gremloids is re-released. Lord Buckethead rides again, this time against prime minister John Major in Huntingdon. (Here's a fun fact about Huntingdon: I was born there! :D) 87/92 Buckethead seems to have leaned pretty hard into the space supervillain thing, with campaign promises including 'demolish Birmingham to build a spaceport'.

(Pictured: Lord Buckethead on TV with John Major. Other notable candidates include Screaming Lord Sutch of the Monster Raving Loony Party.)

2017: comedian Jon Harvey, having recently watched Gremloids and learned of Lord Buckethead's candidacy for parliament, decides it's a great bit. He runs against Theresa May in Maidenhead. 2017 Buckethead seems to have a wackier and also more political approach, with campaign promises ranging from nonsense like 'nationalise Adele' to gesturing at actually sensible policies with stuff like 'lower the voting age to 16 and restrict voting after age 80'.

He also made an appearance on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. As with his previous incarnation, he was a member of the Gremloids party.

(Pictured: Lord Buckethead dabbing on stage with Theresa May.)

2018: Director Todd Durham asserts his legal ownership of Lord Buckethead. Jon Harvey opted not to go to court over Buckethead and handed over the reins. Todd Durham extended an invitation to anyone who wanted to be the 'authorised' Lord Buckethead.

(Pictured: the new Lord Buckethead.)

2019: Lord Buckethead, now played by journalist David Hughes, stood against Boris Johnson in Uxbridge and South Ruislip. He ran for the Monster Raving Loony Party, the UK's pre-existing gag candidate party. He ran with a similarly silly manifesto as the 2017 incarnation, but with a bit less of a political edge. His promises included 'All doorways to be increased by 1 foot (30 cm) in height' and 'Nigel Farage to be sold for parts'.

(Pictured: Lord Buckethead and Count Binface square up.)

Meanwhile, Jon Harvey in his new persona Count Binface, also ran against Boris Johnson. Buckethead and Binface face off! Binface ran as an independent with a manifesto once again blending silly and semi-serious promises such as 'nationalising model railways' and 'giving £1 trillion a week to the NHS'. This was also I believe the debut of his promise to 'move the hand dryer in the men's toilet at Uxbridge's Crown and Treaty pub to a more sensible position'.

(Pictured: Count Binface presenting the offending hand dryer, inconveniently close to both the sink and the urinals.)

He has a point.

2021: Count Binface runs for the position of Mayor of London for the first time, with promises such as 'London to join the European Union'. He notably finished ahead of far right party UKIP.

2023: Count Binface runs in the Uxbridge and South Ruislip by-election following Boris Johnson's resignation. He once again gets more votes than UKIP.

May 2024: Count Binface once again runs to be Mayor of London, debuting his now iconic 'build at least one affordable house' promise. Notably, he finished ahead of far right party Britain First.

(Pictured: Count Binface with Rishi Sunak. Also pictured: Monster Raving Loony Party candidate Sir Archibald Stanton with a ventriloquist's dummy.)

July 2024: Count Binface stands in the general election, running in Richmond and Northallerton against prime minister Rishi Sunak. He debuts his promise to cap the price of 99p flakes at 99p. This is his most successful election to date with 308 votes.

(Pictured: Count Binface with Andy Burnham. Also pictured: independent candidate Robert Pownell, dressed as a fox for his own reasons.)

June 2026: Count Binface stands in the Makerfield by-election against Andy Burnham, (recently) former Mayor of Manchester running for parliament with the intention of standing in the Labour Party leadership contest.

(Pictured: Count Binface on BBC's Newsnight.)

July 2026 (this week): Count Binface announces his intention to run against Nigel Farage in the upcoming Clacton by-election. He is briefly the only other candidate in the race and by the time other candidates announce themselves the narrative of 'Nigel Farage vs Count Binface' has already bedded in. And then it was now, and then I don't know what happened.

randomgothgirl

Saint Francis of Assisi depicted with skulls.

iamdangerace

Now I understand.

pyrrhiccomedy

Rating The Major Early Christian Heresies

(Note: I am leaving out gnosticism and Manicheanism. Gnosticism is a bucket term for too many different beliefs to summarize succinctly; I could do a whole post just rating different gnostic beliefs. And the Manicheans were not even really Christian. It was a totally separate religion that blended Christianity, gnosticism, mithraism, neo-Platonism, and even Buddhism. For the record, the gnostics and the Manicheans are both 10/5 fucking chad heroes of weird esoteric Christian-adjacent religious bullshit.

Note 2: "Where are the Cathars!" "Where are the Bogomils!" I said EARLY Christian heresies. I ain't here to talk about no johnny-come-latelies.)

Docetism: Jesus was a hologram. Because the world of matter is inherently corrupt, it is inconceivable that Christ ever had a physical form. His apparent """body""" was a phantom, or illusion. This inherently denies the death and resurrection, as there was no body to die or resurrect.

5/5 stars, this is the kind of wet and wild shit I like to see.

Montanism: Super into prophesizing, and they believed that anything revealed to them as a prophesy in the grips of religious ecstasy superceded the word of Christ himself.

3/5 stars: you're on extremely shaky theological ground here, but I like the potential for shenanigans, and I give them an extra half a star for letting women be bishops.

Adoptionism: Jesus was a normal guy, conceived in the regular way, who God adopted upon seeing that he lived a sinless life. They believed that Jesus only attained his divine status after his adoption.

4/5 stars, because imagine you're Jesus in this scenario. What a weird day that must have been.

Sabellianism: If you can't wrap your head around the Trinity at all, this is the heresy for you. Adherents of Sabellianism believed that there was no difference between the 'persons' of the Godhead: there is just the one God, who manifests himself at different times and for different purposes in different ways.

3/5 stars because it makes a lot more sense than the canonical interpretation, but it doesn't whip any ass, you know?

Arianism: This one holds that Christ was created by God, but is not the same as God. It demotes Jesus to being kind of like a lesser deity. This one has really stuck around, it's cropped up over and over again throughout the centuries. The Jehovah's Witnesses believe a version of Arianism.

4/5 stars just for being the last man standing.

Pelagianism: Pelagians rejected the doctrine of Original Sin and the belief in humanity's inherently sinful nature. Official Catholic doctrine holds that man is doomed to sin, and only by God's grace can he transcend his total depravity. But the Pelagians believed that you don't actually need God's grace or intervention (which includes, you know, Christ's entire existence and ministry) in order to do God's will and lead a good life: you can just...choose to be good.

5/5 stars, these sound like really nice people.

Donatism: So if I'm a bishop or whatever, and I administer a sacrament to you (baptism, making you a priest, etc), and then I am subsequently excommunicated, the Donatists believed that my excommunication rendered every sacrament I had ever administered null and void. I'm gonna be honest, I don't think this one holds water at all, and I bet these people were pretty insufferable. Basically what they're saying is that in order to serve the church you need to be absolutely pure and without sin: which no one is, except for, apparently, the Donatists themselves.

No stars.

Marcionism: The god of the old testament and the god of the new testament are two different gods. The god of the old testament they called the Demiurge, and should be understood to be the god of the Jews, who were still due a messiah; and the god of the new testament was the Supreme God, who sent Jesus Christ in order to reveal himself.

5/5 stars. This is Judeo-Christian polytheism and I'm fucking here for it. Plus, after Marcion was done editing everything out of the new testament scriptures that contradicted him, all he was left with were like 10 of Paul's letters and a highly edited version of the Gospel of Luke. The brass balls on this guy for saying that every other apostle could eat his shit gets this one a whole extra star.

Monophysitism: Christ was not human at all but fully divine. Docetism can be viewed as a kind of Monophysite heresy, but the Monophysites did believe that Christ was physically on Earth. They just didn't think he had a human nature and believed he was incapable of suffering.

2/5 stars because Christ's humanity is obviously what actually makes him interesting and his suffering is what makes his sacrifice meaningful. Doctrinally they're on pretty firm ground though, the early church easily could have broken their way. Emperor Justinian I wanted this to become orthodoxy, but he died before his plans could go into effect.

Apollinarianism: Jesus had a normal human body and a normal human soul, but he was fucking mind controlled to spread the word of God. He had no conscious mind of his own and was born into this world solely in order to serve as a meat-sleeve for the eternal Logos.

5/5 stars. What the fuck. What the fuck.