A couple days ago I was at a gas station and an older man was sitting a ways away from me. I had just sat down and my name was called for food when he joked and said I shouldāve known better than to sit down. I laughed and got my food. Later I ate my food outside and came back in to throw it away. He waved me over and I wondered what for. He asked me if I wanted to rest of his food, as he couldnāt bring it back to the hospital with him. I was very full and could it bring it with me, but I thanked him and went on with my day. I saw him later leave alone, as he was alone the whole time except for a phone call he made to someone earlier.
It reminded me a lot of my father. Probably only a couple years older, but it felt like meeting my dad if he wasnāt my dad. Charismatic, can make a quick joke, but sick, and no one with him. It made made me think about how my dad still texts me frequently, to send me money for gas that Iāve told him to stop doing multiple times, because he needs the money more than me, and truth be told, it makes me feel bad for cutting him out of my life cause it makes me forget how horrible he is. All the times he tormented and abused my mother and I, the way he ruined the connections he has with the people closest to him, and mentally he is too far deep to genuinely realize the damage heās done.
Itās hard to know someone loves you, and the only way they can love you isnāt the right way. My father loves me, but it feels more like Iām his trophy. When I actually ask for things, like a ride when Iām sick, or when itās freezing out, Iām treated like a burden. Or him ignoring the bullying and abuse he does to my mom and I acts like itās our fault. The list goes on forever, as itās what I was born into. There isnāt a way to undo the damage heās caused to my life as Iāve never known what itās like to have a healthy dad. A truly good dad. But my dad canāt change. His unfortunate life had changed him permanently too, and he couldnāt/wouldnāt get help, and now it causes harm to others. I think if he were to finally understand how he treated others, it would be like, lovecraftian. He wouldnāt be able to take that understanding, it would kill him.
My fatherās health has always been bad, like really bad. And it somehow gets worse every year. I know sooner or later it will be his time, and it makes me wonder where I will be. Selfish parts of me want to be there. I know he has hurt so many people, but I couldnāt live with myself to know he died alone. My dad isnāt a good person, but he fundamentally doesnāt understand why people ghost him or donāt talk to him. At least thatās how it feels. To live the remainder of your years sick and alone, to know your son will barely even talk to you, itās a life I am terrified of. And it hurts to know he would deserve it if it happened.
I know I know nothing about that old man I saw. I hope he just was at the doctors and his loved ones were at work. That he has good relationships with his children. That he treated them well. That he can laugh with his wife and loves her right. That heās including in family events and that his grandchild will bring him balloons once āpapawā is out of the doctors. But I donāt know him. I donāt know his life. All I know is it reminded me of my father. Who is now canceling his health appointments because I wonāt take him and heās too proud to get an uber (and thinks we are an extension of him and should be at his call whenever). An old man that can also make quick jokes, and when he goes to the stores alone because Iām not answering his calls, heās probably making small talk with the cashiers because those are the only people heās talked to today. Do they remind him of me? Do they remind him of his ex wife? Does he offer his left overs to a kid with piercings and a mullet that still calls him sir out of respect and think, āI wish this was my son?ā
I decided to eat some of my food across the table from where the old man sat. It felt like I was keeping him company. It felt like a way to grieve. I finished the rest of my food outside, and realized how much it hurt to know that Iād rather sit with the old man I saw that reminded me of my dad, than if it was dad to begin with.
He tried to call me today as he was worried I couldāve been in danger. I texted him and kept it short to update him. Cause itās hard to completely cut off an awful dad that would still sacrifice a lot to keep you safe. He just wont ever do the work I actually ask of him.
I hope thereās a world out there where my dad got support, and was gentle, and a world where we could be at the same gas station table laughing our asses off, knowing everything is okay and he didnāt ever hurt me when I was just a kid, just a teenager, just now, just ever. But heās alone at home right now, like he has been for months, and probably will be for months. And years. Or however long. And I wonder if he sees random people that reminds him of me, and I wonder if he wishes for that world we could have in the gas station too.
stormborns
blakekathryn
gummygunk
pixelskylines
romaincrisis
yousharknotpass
prguitarman
