thoughts in a jar

sarcastic, cynical, snarky

[scribble-thoughts]

i've recently been inspired to journal (aka write whatever whenever) again, but it feels so strange.

so odd to think out loud to oneself, to unload the mental burden, to have a voice again. how so strange, yet comforting. just the simple knowledge that there is a place for me to dump my thoughts is reassuring - assuring to know that i don't have to keep all this chaos & madness & anxiety & fear & energy bottled up inside. we humans like to think we're invincible, indestructible & infallible - but our bodies succumb to stress far easier than we realize.

but here i am i suppose - back to sounding out my ramblings into the void. it sounds lonely when i type it out like that, but at the same time it's also nice to know my thoughts have a place to go, even if it is some quiet dark abyss.

[scribble-thoughts]

I'm often told that I seem lost and unsure of myself. But yet, the only thing I'm sure of about myself is that I am in a constant state of being lost. Lost in the ocean that is life, its complexities and problems. The struggle between can and should, need and want, what we think versus say versus do. Perhaps I am lost in a different way. I am not lost as how others see me, gasping for air and sinking in the great ocean, desperately pleading for help or divine intervention. I am lost, floating about languidly, with no heading or bearing. No land in sight. And in no hurry to run aground either. Floating wherever the current takes me. They say not all who wander are lost; sadly I can't say the same for myself.

[scribble-thoughts]

I am restless

I am anxious

I am the jittery leg-shaking as you grip at the edge of your seat

I am the frenzied chaos of a thousand roaring bees

I am the maelstrom in the frothing, thundering sea

I am burning hellfire, churning from the belly of the beast

I am destruction

I am calm

I am quiet

I am a contented sigh you exhale with a smile

I am a gentle breeze on a warm summer’s day

I am a lazy wave lolling along the sand

I am one with the hum of nature’s drum

I am tranquility

[scribble-thoughts]

But is it worth it, if you are dying for a living?

[scribble-thoughts]

People make being lost out to be something so bad, even as a sign of failure. But why is it so? After all, it’s only through being lost that we might be able to find our way out, and in the process, ourselves. 

[scribble-thoughts]

We can't stubbornly cling to preconceived notions about how the world works, because the truth is, nobody knows.

Katya Zamolodchikova

[scribble-thoughts]

... I got into some trouble, had a lot of success... I think the important thing is that it led me back here to me.

Katya Zamolodchikova

[scribble-thoughts]

If you’re more concerned about your self-image, what other people might think of you (as a parent), and your “face”, instead of your child’s happiness and progress, maybe you shouldn’t have kids. Just sayin’.

[scribble-thoughts]

I wish we had teeny little vacuum cleaners for noses to suck out the gross snot that 1) clogs up my entire breathing, and 2) causes the skin around my nose to get rubbed raw from being wiped by tissues. Life would be so much easier. Someone please invent this asap.

[scribble-thoughts]

How about instead of “praying the gay away”, we pray the hate away?

[scribble-thoughts]

Don't foresee, just focus.

Gordon Ramsay

[scribble-thoughts]

I like being alone. It may be strange to some, but I like it. I think it’s a good thing. It gives me time away from external noise that is unimportant. It gives me time to rest, recuperate, and recharge. I know some times the way I cut myself off from others in order to do so may seem abrupt and even cold, but don’t get me wrong. It’s not because I don’t like being around people; I just really value my me-time. I spend so much, maybe even too much, of my life interacting and doing things for others, me-time feels precious and hard to come by.

[scribble-thoughts]

Unpopular opinion: 

if you can’t handle the thought of having a child who is anything short of your version of “perfect” or “ideal”, 

who may have wildly differing opinions/thoughts/beliefs from the ones you hold,

 who has a spirit so free even your authoritarian-dictator control-freak self has no grip over, 

who isn’t (and doesn’t) want to be a doctor/lawyer/engineer/whatever-the-hell-conventional/stereotypical-occupation-that-makes-6-figure-sums-yearly-to-the-point-where-they-can-retire-you-at-50, 

who may believe in a different faith from yours (or even not ascribe to any faith whatsoever), 

who has aspirations and dreams you may not approve of, 

who participates in activities/events you think are ridiculous and even repulsive,

who has problems/issues that you think are “stupid” and “excuses”,

who finds happiness in things that you think are a waste of time and useless, 

who has interests in things you find far from interesting and might even disgust you, 

who is essentially the polar opposite of what you are as a person,

who lives life so very differently from the way you live(d) yours, 

then maybe don’t have a child. Honestly. 

If you want something/someone whose life and choices you can dictate, whose every move you can control, don’t have a child. If you want some something/someone who cannot see beyond your own world views and cannot think for themselves, don’t have a child. If you want something/someone who will do exactly as you want and won’t ever disappoint you, don’t have a child. If you cannot wrap your head around the fact that your child will eventually grow up to become a self-aware and independent entity separate from you, please don’t have a child. Save all that time, breath and heartache for you and your child by, well, not having a child. If you don’t have the maturity to face the complexities that are involved in parenthood and childrearing, just please don’t do it. The openness of a child’s limitless, creative mind is too much for your close-minded, narrow-viewed self. 

Get a turtle or hamster instead. They’re comparatively easy to deal with, and if they piss you off, you can put them right back in their cage/tank and call it a day. And they won’t even talk back if you do that! Just don’t get another human life involved because you really, really want a cute little baby to hold and cuddle. Or because you feel like the only way to be complete/fulfilled as a human being is to have a child. 

A child is for life. A child is essentially like you, and what you were to your parents. Rebellious, obnoxious, insecure, pretentious, rude, know-it-all, a nightmare on wheels (or heels if you’re a girl I guess lol), self-conscious, clumsy, curious, a bit of a dingus, ambitious, open-minded, trend-setter, rule-breaker, boundary-pusher, daydreamer, loud-mouthed, pensive, party-goer, experimentative, introspective, sentient, and most importantly, independent. If you can’t handle the thought of that, perhaps rethink having kids. If all you want is a mini me, for the love of the universe, don’t have kids. Make a sim or something. Just don’t drag your poor unborn child into existence when you are clearly so unprepared for it. 

[scribble-thoughts]

People tell me I'm often lost and uncertain about myself. But yet, the only thing I'm damned certain of is that I am in a constant state of being lost. 

 Which is comforting and terrifying at the same time.

[scribble-thoughts]

Note to self: I like slightly intoxicated me. She’s honest, giggly, and carefree. She thinks, overthinks, and has random creativity that pushes boundaries that regular me doesn’t have. In fact, I suspect she doesn’t fully understand what boundaries are. I should be more like slightly intoxicated me. Yeah.

[scribble-thoughts]

All disputes should be resolved by lip sync battles. Just sayin’.

[scribble-thoughts]

I’ve kind of given up and resigned to the fact that my life sucks, and I’ll be lucky if I die by 40.