Years later, and once again.
It’s not the sorrow that comes with the territory of break ups. It’s accepting that land that you see in the distance will remain unexplored. It’s the land that possibly could have been claimed by us, an earth untoiled by us, the possibility of a kingdom, now never to rise, a flower never to bloom from seed never planted.
It’s not the sadness that overcame me when we decided that it was best for us to part. I’m not sad about those things. I’m not angry that we are different. I’m not upset that you will pursue your path into a bright future. What hurt me was knowing now, that the last time I saw you, I didn’t know it would be the last time I would have seen you.
Out of some sense of respect or self-protection, to cut off contact in the day and age of social media and transportation feels nothing short of cold, and to a degree, impossible. (I do acknowledge that I was adamant about no contact. I am also aware that I am breaking my own rule. I know my inconsistencies LOL) But, I guess, for the sake of “moving on”, it’s “necessary”. I conjure the last memory I have of you, listening to music in your car, singing. I really enjoyed that night. I felt really adored when you would just hug me from behind as we read the directory. This memory fights against the necessity of disconnecting with you. I am not sad that we reached a mutual agreement to separate. I am sad that there’s a dissonance between our last time together and the present. It’s as if after I last saw you, after a pleasant dinner, you had died. Because despite knowing you’re out there, living life, (and I do honestly, hope you had a great, amazing life), I will never see you again (at least, “shouldn’t” see you again until months later and we get over each other).
I guess I am also sad about the perspective of our relationship’s inevitable doom, in terms of “it’s only a matter of when we end”. In general, it’s such a sad view for anyone to hold. It makes me wonder if there really is simply people out there “for us”. As if, their world view, upbringing, genetics, and genetics changes resulting for their environment just formed them into corresponding shapes that complement us perfectly, our counterparts.
I haven’t changed my mind about what we decided to do mutually. I don’t want to cause any confusion. But I do resent the rational of “It just doesn’t make sense.” I guess my emotional brain and logical brain are at war. I mean, maybe there will come a time, when someone out there does “make sense” for both of us. And the emotional and logical sides align. What if it never aligns? What if things never “make sense”? Anyways, just a rant/thought/thing I needed to get out. I wish you all the best. This message doesn’t warrant a response. Don’t feel the societal courtesy to reply, unless you really want to. I just wanted to say something after the fact :)
annaxmalina
baratheonpilled
titsay
vaporwave
jbbartram-illu
