A Trap.
For the first time in at least a week, I spent time on the computer today.
I've now been browsing the web for two and a half hours. DAMN COMPUTER, YOU LIFE SUCKER, YOU.
noise dept.
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸

PR's Tumblrdome
h
almost home
taylor price
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❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
Cosmic Funnies
Monterey Bay Aquarium
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
wallacepolsom
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"

Kiana Khansmith

pixel skylines
Stranger Things
occasionally subtle
Peter Solarz
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me

seen from Malaysia

seen from Colombia
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seen from United States
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@searchingforsubstance-blog
A Trap.
For the first time in at least a week, I spent time on the computer today.
I've now been browsing the web for two and a half hours. DAMN COMPUTER, YOU LIFE SUCKER, YOU.
Most relatable posts here!
Today was rough. I hate my job; I'm making good money, and I only have to be there for two-ish months, but I absolutely hate the job. So, after about twelve hours of me hating my life working, I come home to find my room still entirely in shambles, courtesy of my sister. My life is so unorganized right now, and it is causing SO MUCH unnecessary stress; however, I am working so much that I don't have time to organize it.
I've been working out lately, but instead of doing my workout tonight, I decided to simply go for a run, since I'd been utterly exhausted all day. That was a bad idea. Running outside has never been something compatible with my body. I get motion sickness; water is unavailable, and I have no motivation. I like treadmills. So, it was an extremely unproductive run, which only heightened my frustrations with the day.
Image has redefined itself in my mind; it's not so much about what others see when they look at me as it is what I see when I look at myself. I am trying to like what I see. I'm getting there. But I'm riding the struggle bus the whole way there.
Luckily, I only have two days left of work this week: about 23 hours. Then, I will be heading up to a staff retreat on Lake Erie and spending a few days with my best friend. I need to find patience in making it that far.
When adults complains about our generation
I’m here like hold the fuck up…
who raised OUR generation? YOUR generation did, so…
‘Chemo brain’ and cognitive decline after cancer
Cancer and its treatments cause a variety of side effects, some of which people recover from quickly, while others last long after treatment is over. After chemotherapy, around 70% of cancer survivors report difficulties with memory and concentration – this is colloquially known as “chemo brain”.
But while many cancer survivors report problems with memory or concentration, few studies have found a relationship between the results of formal cognitive testing and self-reported symptoms. In fact, formal cognitive assessments of survivors often show their performance is still within the normal range.
This doesn’t mean that cognitive symptoms should be ignored. If you think something is wrong, you can undergo a formal assessment by a neuropsychologist (a psychologist who specializes in the brain), which usually involves standardised clinical neuropsychological tests – pencil-and-paper or computer-based tests that measure memory, language and perception.
Intellectual performance
Studies that evaluate cancer patients over time (longitudinal studies) have shown that about 20% to 30% have cognitive problems, whereas we would expect about 10% impairment in healthy people.
Earlier research suggested anywhere between 15% to 50% of adults with early stage cancers may have cognitive impairment after chemotherapy. But much of the research has been limited to women with a breast cancer diagnosis. And the early studies tested people once after chemotherapy, so they cannot tell us how people’s cognitive function was before chemotherapy.
Despite some variability in research results, there seems to be a group of people who experience cognitive impairment during or after cancer treatment, which may be worse after high-dose chemotherapy. And for some people it may last five to ten years or more.
While the cognitive deficit is usually mild (such as difficulty finding the right word or forgetting people’s names), it can impact people’s daily activities and may be more pronounced in specific situations such as those requiring multitasking.
What’s to blame – cancer or chemo?
Studies testing people after a cancer diagnosis show that around 30% of people with breast or colorectal (bowel) cancer will have cognitive impairment, before any chemotherapy. So simply attributing the cognitive decline on chemotherapy is not accurate, as the cancer could, in fact, be to blame.
Cognitive impairment has also been shown in some women diagnosed with breast cancer who did not undergo chemotherapy but were treated with hormonal therapies such as tamoxifen, anastrozole and letrozole.
The underlying causes of cognitive impairment in cancer survivors are unknown. But a number of proposed mechanisms are being investigated. These include the toxic effects from chemotherapy and/or the cancer on the brain, changes in hormonal levels, clotting or inflammation in the brain, and genetic predispositions.
Some genetic factors known to increase the risk of Alzheimer’s disease have also been implicated in causing cognitive decline after chemotherapy. But most of these studies are small and there are some conflicting results.
Multiple other genes are being investigated, including ones that influence the metabolic breakdown of dopamine, DNA repair, regulation of inflammation in the brain and the blood-brain barrier designed to protect our brain from toxic insults.
Changes in oestrogen levels due to early abrupt menopause in women treated with some chemotherapy agents were also implicated, but larger studies have not shown a strong association.
Most work evaluating the mechanisms of cognitive impairment has been done with animal models. These suggest that in rodents at least some chemotherapy agents may decrease the generation of new neurons in the hippocampal area of the brain, cause damage to white matter or small blood vessels in the brain, or interfere with the hypothalamic-pituitary axis (the hormone glands).
Future treatments
No interventions have yet proven to prevent cognitive impairment from occurring in people with cancer or to treat it once it has occurred. But our team is running a number of studies to evaluate different types of interventions.
Two of these studies are evaluating approaches to cognitive rehabilitation (retraining the brain) for those experiencing ongoing cognitive symptoms six months to five years after chemotherapy for early stage cancer: one is via a 15-week computer-based training program that can be done at home; the other is six weeks of face-to-face retraining and learning sessions.
The third study is evaluating whether a standardised extract of the herb gingko biloba can help to prevent or decrease cognitive impairment with chemotherapy.
It’s hoped that these studies, will tell us what causes cognitive problems in people with cancer, and then enable us to develop more targeted strategies for preventing or minimizing cognitive impairment in cancer survivors.
Memorial Day Weekend
This past weekend, Tyler graduated from high school. Crazily enough, he'll be headed down to school in Columbus with me this coming fall. I can't believe he's old enough to be in college, and all at once, it's more real than anything I could have imagined. He has been dating a girl named Emily for the last several months; I really like her. Yes, it's a high school relationship, and I haven't a clue if it will last until tomorrow night, but I'm grateful that she got to be his first semi serious relationship.
All of my family was in town this weekend, which was neat. The grad party was slightly crazy, but hey, parties are supposed to be crazy.
Zach came up on Friday night, and he spent the whole weekend here. I'm so grateful I had the chance to see him. I'll be down at his house for a while next weekend. I'm just praying for him. I hope that he is able to get through this hard stuff, but I'm confident that our relationship is going to be fine. We have enough love in our relationship to conquer anything that comes our way, and I'm determined to do so. I've missed him, but I know he's there. Things were a little uneasy for a while, but this weekend helped us to talk things out, and I released a lot of feelings that needed to be shared, as did he. Despite the anger and frustration, it was so wonderful. I'm so blessed to have him and his family in my life, and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for our relationship.
I have to wake up for work at 4:30am, per usual. Goodnight for now, bloggosphere!
May 11, 2013
Today's the day for a tumblr post. The tumblr post of all tumblr posts. Why is that? Because today was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life.
It started at 7am. I awoke in a coughing fit, barely capable of breathing. I returned to bed and woke up from a nightmarish dream where I once again was incapable of breathing.
At 8am, I finally decided to simply wake up. I haven't had very much sleep this past week. I've been sick with scary mystery disease, which has enjoyed visiting me in the wee hours of the night, and thus, my sleep deprivation has increased significantly.
Because I couldn't sleep, I decided to start a book that I friend had loaned to me called "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green. So far, it's been an enjoyable book; however, I've heard that it's terribly depressing, and I'm not sure I can handle depressing right now.
A little later in the day, a good thing happened: I upgraded my phone and got an iPhone. Things seemed to be going pretty well. I spent some time with my mom and brothers, purchased mommy's day goodies, took pictures of my brother at prom, and then I headed over to prom walk-ins to witness my brother in his date. Unfortunately, that never happened.
Instead, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me that he needed to talk because he had been having feelings again. For those of you who don't know me, I have horrendous anxiety; so much so that when I become anxious, I tend to get physically sick. My mother looked at me and told me I looked like I was going to pass out. I felt like I was going to throw up.
So, eventually, my boyfriend calls me while he is spending the day at Cedar Point, and he breaks up with me. Because apparently the butterflies aren't as strong as they used to be and he isn't obsessed with me all the time -- normal happenings, right?
This came COMPLETELY out of the blue for me. And I am completely turned upside down. This man is my best friend, and I am so endlessly in love with him. I can genuinely say that I have never in my life cared so deeply, so effortlessly, and so beautifully for another person, let alone another man. I love him like a best friend, a lover, a brother, a son. All of the loves. But, he doesn't love me.
That's the thing. It's really sad. No one in the world has ever made me feel more loved and cared for than him. He's the best thing I have ever found: and he isn't in love with me. I can't blame him. But grasping the fact that the one person who actually made you feel loved doesn't love you -- that's tough stuff, an irod-rod piercing my chest.
I have suspicions as to others contributing factors. Pressures applied from other people. But I can't make any statement true. I'm simply not good enough for him. That's that.
I don't know how to react. It's so out of the blue. He said that he had been thinking about it for a week, but he never mentioned a word. He said that he wanted to be with me for a long time. He gave up on me.. just like everyone else.
I probably deserve this. I have unfortunately broken a few hearts of my own, and it's been a little while since I've had a good stabbing, but how I'm going to manage this one is quite the mystery to me.
The worst part is that he's my best friend...and I can't talk to him about this.
I need some serious strength, God. Please please please hear my cry. Lord, give me courage, patience, faith, wisdom, confidence, and love. Let me not nurse anger into my life through this experience. Allow me to grieve in your time, but hold me as I bare this pain. Loneliness has been a continuing thread throughout my life, and I doubt it will ever break; help me to know that I am not alone- that You are holding my hand when I'm standing entire weak and broken. At the end of the hardest of days, I can turn to you for understanding.. God... please help me understand why this happening. What I did to make this happen? Help me to forgive Zach. Because I love him. And I know I can forgive him, but I also know that I'm in love with him, and that to be simply his friend right now might dismantle my being. I pray that I can trust.. I pray to find hope.. Lord, I pray to find healing.
It's just not over for me. Maybe it's over for Zach, but it isn't over for me.
Seams.
God likes to think he's funny. He is just as witty and sarcastic as the rest of His people. Luckily, I've grown to appreciate sarcasm and the funny remarks and stories it has thrown my way. Just as I have begun to grow completely comfortable and content with my life as a whole, God is "lolling" in the background saying, "honey, it can't be this easy...try again".
I'm not exactly positive as to where God's going to take me or my life this time, but he's definitely got my attention, and wherever it is, I'm not really that afraid anymore. Although I have my weak moments, I have become much more confident in myself as an individual, and I am excited to see where my life might take me. After all, I am only twenty years old. I have two years left of college, plenty of employment opportunities in front of me, and great peers surrounding me and guiding me toward my future. I am healthy, free, and I can, essentially, do whatever I want with my life. So, yeah, I thought maybe God wanted me to settle this time, and I was more than willing to listen; however, I can be wrong. I've certainly be wrong before, and it is bound to happen more than once in the span of a day for me!
Life is such a crazy, messed-up, beautiful thing, and I am genuinely in love with it -- the people, the places, the pictures, the perspective; it's all mine to experience, and I'm going to bask in it as much as I can.
Here's to challenging yourself and remaining open to change.
Never give up on the world; it's not going to give up on you.
Zach sandwich at the fountains. I love these boys! @zaconaway
Birthday Spoon Me for @katiecu93 with @carolanndye
Flowers are just the prettiest. #spring
WE ALL TRIED TO HAVE A DIARY very-demotivational.tumblr.com
Tis time for some updates:
#1: Today, two of my friends at Capital, Annie Huckaba and Em Slider, performed their junior recital. It was incredible.
#2: Last week, I was offered an internship in the Career Development Office. This position is perfect experience guiding me toward what I essentially wish to do with the rest of my life. Today, I signed the year-long contract. AND we're going to get Graeter's as a staff in a few weeks.
#3: Sunday, I'm registering to live in the Capital Commons with three of my senior friends. I'm pretty pumped.
#4: Tomorrow morning, I register for my first semester of my junior year of college. I cannot believe that I'm already going to be a junior, and yet, I definitely can. So much has happened over the span of my college career, and I have grown so much. It's invigorating.
#5: Zach and I are smoothly transitioning into a real life romantic relationship. It's still an adjustment, but I'm happy with it. He's the best for me. He is also completely cool with essentially waiting forever to becoming at all sexually involved, which is exactly the kind of guy I need. He might be the best boyfriend I've ever had. I think it's cause he knows me so well..
#6: I improvised an entire Developmental Psychology exam tonight because I didn't know there was going to be an exam in the class. I think I did fairly well. #YOLO
#7: I downloaded an app. on my iPod that is meant to be used as a 5K trainer. So far, it's working. On Tuesday, I ran 1.55 miles. Today, I ran 2.35 miles. For a non-runner, that is spectacular work for me. I know it's going to continue to be extremely challenging, but I really want to be able to run a 5k.
#8: I'm just a lucky girl. I initially began this post for a reason, but as soon as I started to write, I completely forgot what I had originally meant to write about. Who knows! Either way, I'm blessed. Life's good...stressful, but good.
Till we meet again...
My last bulletin board of the year: Happy April!
@jawsomeeee got her hairs did. #photoshoot #newhairs #model
ADMIT IT very-demotivational.tumblr.com