You've Got Fairies In Your Hair

Meg. 29. Northerner in London. 🖤 (happyinchintz72 follows you!) Tag Library

[secondsofhappiness]

If someone's never had a relationship and they're 35 would you call them ace?

Hey there, lovely!

Absolutely not. No. Because I know nothing about the person, because it’s not about not having a relationship, because age doesn’t matter, because only a person can identify themselves, if they wish.

Asexuality is an absence of sexual attraction. A person that does not feel sexual attraction.

Not having a relationship doesn’t mean you don’t feel sexual attraction.

Being 35 and having not had a relationship doesn’t mean you don’t feel sexual attraction.

You can still be that age and having had no relationship and still feel or experience sexual attraction.

That said, if you DON’T feel it and you have never been sexually attracted to someone or have only experienced such attraction once you’ve formed a close bond etc then perhaps you might consider Asexuality or demisexuality (different things but I include them only because they sometimes get confused etc)

So no, anon. Just because you haven’t had a relationship at the age you are doesn’t mean you’re automatically asexual. Perhaps it’s best to ask yourself WHY you haven’t experienced a relationship. That should be where you start.

If the answer to that question is, because I don’t feel attracted to other people in that way then, perhaps read up on Asexuality.

OR if your answer is, I don’t get relationships, relationships are not what I desire because I don’t experience romantic attraction... then perhaps read up on Aromanticism. (I can’t help you here, I’m afraid but that should put you on the right track)

I hope this is helpful. This is me being pretty basic but I hope it gives you some steer.

I mean, I’m nearly 30 and I haven’t had a relationship or done any of the stuff that traditionally comes with it... but just because that’s the case, doesn’t automatically mean that if you’re in a similar position that it’s because you’re ace... it could be but it could also be for many many other reasons!!

And many ace folks have relationships!!! So one does not preclude the other! 😊

[secondsofhappiness]

I admire your honesty a great deal and how you are open and patient. Thank you for your beautiful soul. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but I wondered if perhaps you had kissed someone before and if you felt anything different to what you imagined? Also do love stories like fictional stuff still impact you a lot???

Thank you, lovely anon ❤️

I haven’t so I can’t really answer your question I’m afraid. I guess it just never happened for me. That’s not me being dramatic or defeatist, it’s just it didn’t happen and I guess it’s for a lot of reasons but quite possibly because from a very young age (around 12/13) I pretty much cut out any idea of relationships/love from my life. I did it because I felt there was something wrong with me and it was very uncomfortable for me so I didn’t want to burden someone else with all of that. I couldn’t handle it at all. I had a v close friend who I adored and liked a whole lot. He was a sweet sweet boy with the best sense of humour in the world and he liked me. He’s one of the only people to tell me that and he asked me out when we were 16. I was so confused with myself and scared and uncomfortable and felt broken that I said no, I hurt him, I ignored him and I upset myself because I lost someone very dear to me... and I was CRAZY about him. Work that one out!!! It’s why Liv is such an amazing character to me because she’s still young. I KNOW people say that she’s so young so sex should really be an issue yet but she isn’t 10, she’s in her late teens, she’s actually at the age (she’s 17 right?) that, correct me if I’m wrong, is most common for people to lose their “virginity” (hate the word but hey ho). So the fact they’ve chosen a young girl for this storyline is incredible to me. You DO know early on. You just do and yes that doesn’t mean you can’t realise that perhaps you WERE a late bloomer but nothing at ALL should diminish from what you feel then. Being told “it’ll all change” just makes you feel 100% inadequate and faulty when it doesn’t. I’ve been there and it sucks like hell.

So sadly, I haven’t done even the basics but then I hate the suggestion that because I haven’t done that stuff, that I’m not yet a woman etc because screw that!

I travel the world alone (and with friends), I run crime scenes for a living, I live alone in a big city, I have tons of friends and a whole life but I guess that stuff is just missing.

As for fictional stuff... god yes, it’s all exactly the same as for you I presume. I still get starry eyed over beautiful love stories or scenes and still feel all the emotions you’re meant to feel when watching stuff like that. I’m not devoid of that! If anything, some fiction teaches me stuff!!!! It’s pretty cool, I have a few movies, tv shows and books that have helped me understand that tiny part that I’m missing and it’s really fascinating for me so I guess in some ways I feel more haha!

Thanks for your lovely words and don’t worry, I don’t mind answering! 😊

[secondsofhappiness]

I’m the 3ask anon - that night during ace week, I’m pretty sure I cried all night. It was like a checklist that night. Each post I saw was me. I was scared, but relieved. We’ve not known each other long, but she is a keeper. She used herself as a barrier between me and the guy until we left. I can’t tell you what a relief that was. I’m just a little lost on what I do now. Do I tell my family, (I can help feeling they think something is wrong with me), even though I know now, there isn’t.

Ah, love ❤️ this makes me happy

It’s entirely up to you, you do whatever feels comfortable for you. Don’t push yourself to do anything you don’t feel ready to do.

I don’t live close to my mum (she’s the only family I have) and step dad so there’s that distance I have that means they don’t interfere in my life with this stuff at all and my mum doesn’t care, as long as I’m happy. She loves that I travel a lot and do my own thing and have a v full life of all sorts. If I didn’t then I think she’d worry.

I think letting it sit with you a while is helpful. I think it helps us understand ourselves better, to let stuff sink in and to test stuff out in our head. I’ve given myself little tests so many times to test my feelings like imagining myself doing things in various situations or if I see someone I find aesthetically attractive, trying to find something in that “oh he/she is pretty” that would perhaps make me go beyond that simple though and nope... nothing. It’s always “oh he/she is pretty..... oh I’m going to the theatre tonight”... aaaaand gone! Haha. So I found that time helpful!

But, love, do whatever is natural for you. I hope it goes well whatever you decide. I have known how I feel all my life but only known of Asexuality for about 5 years and I still haven’t told a soul so you’d be way ahead of me!! 💜

[secondsofhappiness]

1) Thank you for being so open about your personal experiences. After seeing people’s stories during Ace awareness week I actually admitted to myself that this is me. I’m not broken. After that I wasn’t too sure what i needed to do. I just knew I finally felt like me(if that makes sense). Since then I’ve felt more comfortable with myself and have seen further signs that seem obvious looking back.

2) there have been times while out with work colleagues where conversations would drift to things like weird celeb crush or who on the crew do we fancy. I could never answer. I’d draw a blank, not even able to make something up. Then tonight, while out with a friend, I had no idea this guy was trying to chat me up. None whatsoever. I think she could see that and pointed it out. She realised that I wasn’t comfortable and we left pretty soon after. I think she knows something, but not quite what.

3) especially as she knows some of my history. I put everything down to an incident in my past, that I was hiding behind it. But now? Now I pretty sure that has not been the case. Sorry for the novels!

———

Never apologise, love! ❤️

This is so lovely to read. I am so happy you found some peace and clarity, it helps a lot doesn’t it? I remember crying all afternoon when I found a website about Asexuality by accident and read about it and every single thing was me... all of it and I’d never ever read anything that sounded like me in that way before. So I get you and I’m so happy for you to have found that comfort.

Understanding flirting/sexual advances etc or being uncomfortable with them is definitely pretty common (not an experience for everyone I must say) but I definitely understand. I’ve been in similar situations. I often can’t distinguish flirting from friendliness. I am quite affectionate too and I reach out and touch people on the arm for example if they make me laugh or if I’m joking around with them I nudge people and so I’m quite tactile and I never think anything of it at all until someone pointed out that the guy I was doing it to was a married man. I had no awareness that what I was doing could be misconstrued!!! I’m really worldly wise in all other respects but I had no idea that a simple touch like that in a playful and casual way was effectively normally seen as flirting because, to me, it was just me showing affection in a friendly fun way!!!!

Your friend sounds like a gem. What a good person she seems. I’m pleased she reacted to your discomfort, that’s a friend to keep, right?!

Thank you so much for your kind words, I’m so pleased you’ve got a bit more understanding of yourself 💜

[robsugdens]

2014 || 2019

[seanslaters]

I log back on for the first time in days to find that my love @secondsofhappiness has been posting again 💕

[secondsofhappiness]

Chloeeeeeeee. I am so terrible at getting notifications. How did I not see this?! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[secondsofhappiness]

@thisissirius

Ah Siri! How are you love?! So much truth in them. It really isn’t that hard to grasp

Thank you for these words ❤️

[secondsofhappiness]

My thing is that she's been around Jacob for years and decided she liked him in one episode? If she liked him when theres no desire or sex that seems strange really.

You do realise you’re watching a Soap?

Where people shoot themselves in the face with horse tranquilliser… or commit murder every other week… or turn into serial killers who hide in attics or chase people in a wedding dress with a string of sausages…

Affairs have happened in less time than Liv and Jacob!

It’s a soap and it’s on the writers if they choose to rush things but it’s not as if Liv and Jacob haven’t been friends for a long while. He was INCREDIBLY sweet and a very good friend to her last year and was so supportive and kind. They get on. They always have done except when they’ve called each other our.

So compared to some relationships on the show, they’ve had at least some grounding and foundation

[scrapyardboyfriends]

I was thinking about this the other day. First off the kids don’t get nearly as much screen time. Second, Liv has had pretty massive gaps where she wasn’t in the village. Either she was off in Mauritius/Dublin or in prison.

However, it was pretty clear she liked him at the beginning too when they first met. You had Tracy and Leyla I think teasing Aaron that she liked him and Gabby thought she did too. I feel like Liv might not have even been able to process what that even meant then because it probably didn’t feel like she thought it was supposed to so she just discounted it entirely and felt uncomfortable at the through of people thinking she liked someone like that. And then over the next couple of years, when she was actually in the village, she got to know him better and she started figuring herself out. And yeah, he was very sweet and understanding with her last year. She also had to contend with Gabby’s flip flopping feelings for him and try not to step on her toes.

Mostly, I feel like there was a pretty solid foundation there. Plus, when Jacob was fake dating her without her knowledge, they were spending extra time together so perhaps her feelings started to get more noticeable to her.

But also, yes, it’s a soap. Vanessa and Charity had never shared a scene before they randomly kissed. And Pete and Rhona were super random too. So it’s not like this is out of the question. But yeah, I feel like Liv and Jacob have way more foundation than either of them.

[secondsofhappiness]

Never apologise ❤️

[secondsofhappiness]

@inloveamateursatbest

Ah Claudia! Hello! 💜

Who knows?! You get it. Sometimes it’s just meeting someone or spending time with someone in the right situation where you see them in a certain way.

[secondsofhappiness]

My god meg when you’ve said in the past that ace people struggle to be open with people in part because of all the questions and intrusive and belittling comments I didn’t understand but I do now. The anons you get. You handle them with grace and I’m amazed you aren’t more upset because they have tried to almost invalidate how you feel. I am sending a lot of love to you tonight

Ah. Haha, yeah. Well. Imagine your mum asking you these questions or your best friend. Not that I think mine necessarily would. I don’t understand how an LGBT person feels specifically but I can appreciate the fear of those close to you feeling different about you when you explain something to them about yourself.

To me, it’s really not a big deal. It’s one part of life missing and it’s like, you can miss what you don’t understand or want? It’s all the other stuff that’s so tightly wound together that’s tough to struggle with too.

The worst is, I’ve asked myself every single one of these questions. Why do you think “broken” is the word most associated with how ace folks feel until they find a bit of comfort or clarity?

You’re lovely though. Thank you 💜💜

[secondsofhappiness]

What does Liv get out of a relationship that she doesn't get out of a friendship?

Whatever she wants and whatever her partner wants. It’s that simple.

[secondsofhappiness]

My thing is that she's been around Jacob for years and decided she liked him in one episode? If she liked him when theres no desire or sex that seems strange really.

You do realise you’re watching a Soap?

Where people shoot themselves in the face with horse tranquilliser... or commit murder every other week... or turn into serial killers who hide in attics or chase people in a wedding dress with a string of sausages...

Affairs have happened in less time than Liv and Jacob!

It’s a soap and it’s on the writers if they choose to rush things but it’s not as if Liv and Jacob haven’t been friends for a long while. He was INCREDIBLY sweet and a very good friend to her last year and was so supportive and kind. They get on. They always have done except when they’ve called each other our.

So compared to some relationships on the show, they’ve had at least some grounding and foundation

[secondsofhappiness]

With Livs story in particular, I dont understand how she can go for Jacob or want to be in a relationship with him when she doesn't want him. Isn't that the entire point?

She does want him.

She wants his company and his personality and his sweetness and gentle soul. She wants his lame jokes and him to play video games with her and give her cuddles and to chat to and listen to and share experiences with.

She thinks he’s special and lovely and worth her time. She likes to be close to him and to spend time with him and tease him and be seen by him.

Relationships come in very different forms.

Are you suggesting that if I attempted to form a romantic relationship with someone that it’s pointless?

Also, to Liv, she doesn’t see anything missing. She doesn’t want anything else so what Jacob is offering is so lovely to her, she said as much. She feels she has his understanding about what she may not be able to provide but SHE doesn’t appear to be missing anything

How is it that you can have a sexual only relationship with someone but not a romantic only relationship with someone?

Do you only have a relationship for sex? If it’s the “entire point”, if sex is the entire point of a relationship, why are there 5000000000 love stories based on romance and closeness and human connection? I understand and appreciate that sex is a big part of a relationship for many and that’s great but not for Liv and she was VERY respectful of Jacob when she explained she didn’t want him to miss out or to feel obliged to accept less than what he may want... what more did you want her to do?

[secondsofhappiness]

Hi! I really enjoy reading your posts about asexuality. The latest anonymous post to you had such an aggressive tone. I admire the way that you replied. You explain things calmly. It is lovely that you remind people to be kind and to support each other. There is far to much negativity and unkind comments on Tumblr and on the internet in general.

Ah thank you, sweet soul 😊

I’m too old and tired (hahaha) for unnecessary attitude. Calm is the only way I know how!

I know who I am and yet I am FULLY aware I am not a doctor or a psychologist or a chemist or a professor on human sexuality but I know what I know and I try to educate myself and learn and question and also be honest with myself. And especially when the topic we’re talking about is so confusing to many and so under represented and understood that people form the opinion that I am ill, in need of counselling, a prude, weird, socially inept, trying to be different (that’s the best one. My GOD), making it up, clearly messed up.

The only way people can learn and discuss is by injecting a little kindness into stuff. If I got a message like “hi dude thanks for talking about this topic but I think you may have misunderstood something, actually this is the way it is based off this source or this info, I thought I’d let you know! 😊” then I’d be HAPPY to educate myself - always. I am no expert. I’ve spoken to doctors. They have given me a view so I take their word as important alongside studies I’ve read and believe me, I’ve read plenty about hormones and Asexuality and nobody has a god damn clue. BUT I know about myself and I won’t be told something else by an anonymous stranger on the internet with no foundation or back up!

So thank you for sending this lovely message, I’m always trying. I mean, this blog was never FOR THIS you know? But seeing as the story is happening and Liv exists and this topic is now out there a teeny tiny bit more I’m so happy to chat and discuss and try to pass on m own experiences because why not? Hardly any blooming people know what it is so I might as well try!!! If it can help one kid stop sitting in his/her room thinking they’re a broken shell of a human being and avoiding any and all potential romantic relationships for their entire life because of it then I’m in and I’ll do all I can 😊

[secondsofhappiness]

Demisexuality is not the same as being asexual. That’s ridiculous to entertain. Asexuality isn’t a spectrum. It’s one defined thing. Rather than people just coming out and saying not everyone experiences the same degree of sexual attraction... it has to be on the same level as being gay or bi. It’s not. In society sexuality refers to what sex you’re attracted to. I’m asexual. It is a biological term. 1/2

2/2 My biology is different. I’m also a lesbian, because of my biology. Certain hormones don’t get released in my body ever. I don’t experience sexual feelings. If you experience that, as demisexual’s do, you’re not asexual. Please stop speaking for us all. I know you came from a good place and probably disagree with me, that’s fine, but please don’t speak for me or the very few asexual people I know.

————

Well, you’ve stumped me here because I don’t have a clue what on Earth you’re talking about, love. I haven’t spoken much about demisexuality before only to add a few caveats to try to explain to anons as some folks were getting confused. So I’m not sure why you are suggesting I have talked about it... or said it’s the same thing as being asexual. I haven’t said that because I know it isn’t.

Asexuality is viewed often as a spectrum. If you don’t consider it so, fine. Much of sexuality is viewed as a spectrum by many. I find that I may cause others to feel shoe horned if I don’t recognise that some form of spectrum exists as many many people see Asexuality like this.

Also, hormones. I’m not even going there. As far as I know, my body isn’t different to anyone else’s. I’ve gone through extensive hormone checks for a health issue I have and my hormones come back perfectly normal every single time. I’ve had 2 consultants confirm the same. So I’d be interested to know how I hormonallyy differ.

Also “sexual feelings” is ambiguous. Asexual people can or may still feel arousal or have a libido. THAT is biological. Asexuality is defined across the board as a lack of sexual attraction.

And I have never spoken for all asexual people. I always speak from my own experiences and my own personal feelings or lack of. I have never professed to speak for all persons who may define themselves as asexual...and by sending a message with the tone you sent your message with you are speaking for all asexual persons. So love, there’s really no need to be passive aggressive. We’re all here trying to celebrate representation and to feel a little more comfortable in ourselves. Perhaps you need to consider how sending messages with an attitude like you just did only seeks to cause distance and upset in a situation that so desperately needs care and affection.

If you didn’t like something I said, perhaps consider messaging with a little kindness and patience in future :)

[lgtbq-ask]

Let’s hope for more lgbt representation in 2018!

[acrylicqueen]

Can ya’ll shut the bloody fuck up?

[persephnoe]

No, they can’t and they shouldn’t. The fact that no ace characters are listed is beyond saddening. I for one can thing of exactly one canon ace character- Raphael from Shadowhunters. It’s great he exists but he’s not nearly enough representation for the ace/aro community. So yeah how about instead of trying to shut people down, you make their voices hear so we can all see a representation we deserve.

[sunlesbians]

Here’s an updated chart based on the newest report! There are only 2 ace characters this year, but that’s better than last year!

[secondsofhappiness]

Hey👋🏼 It's the anon who sent in a message thanking you for sharing your thoughts on the Jacob and Liv scenes the other day and hoped it would get easier to view. I don't know how you manage to cope with some of the anons on here, especially when they aren't being very considerate or kind. I hope it doesn't put you off! The way you approach their questions and even take the time to kindly reply and attempt to explain it to them is so lovely. I have so much respect for you!🖤

You’re lovely, thank you.

Ah, I’m fine, honestly. I’m a big girl. I know it’s confusing (hell, it took ME long enough) and I see so much of it that you can’t let yourself be affected by stuff like that. 

I’ve spoken to a health professional who is an actual consultant in hormones about a disorder I have and while I was there I found the courage to ask about this and to ask if I may be the way I am because of hormones and she was very firm in her words: no and your hormones are perfectly normal. So that stuff doesn’t bother me at all. Same with the counselling thing, when people suggest that. It’s not nice to read but I get it. Some people find it incredibly difficult to understand as they see what I lack as something vital to life.... and that’s what society sells a lot. So to be told that someone doesn’t feel that way then their first reaction is normally “well you must have something wrong with you then”.

So yeah, I don’t mind. Nobody has been cruel, they’ve just been curious and sometimes a little insensitive but hell, I can deal with way worse haha

If it helps people understand then I’m good with that and I’ll happily try to explain to people. It’s in the hope that if someone was ever to open up to them about something like this, they’d be kind!

Thank you so much for sending such a thoughtful message, you’re one of the good ones, my love <3