I don’t check this much so I’m just gonna use this space to get some thoughts down while they’re there.
I’ve felt so lost since graduating. I’ve spent three months without a job (because the search process fucking sucks and I’m living in Silicon Valley as a non-engineer and maybe too much misguided pride to do something like bag groceries (although that’ll probably change really soon)).
I’m surrounded by people who are completely secure in their professional, social, or romantic identities and I’m here feeling lost in all three.
I feel so anxious because I feel like I’m at my greatest potential and I don’t know where to put it. I don’t know what my value is. I don’t know where to start and that makes me unsure of where to go.
My mom’s coming to visit. She just wants to see the new place and the new dog. Probably wants me to take her to a beach.
In a lot of ways I relate to my dad, for better or worse. I like how relaxed and friendly he is. I hate how lazy and uninterested he is. I’m all of those things and I love or hate it depending on how I feel about myself at that moment.
Mama Jonat’s different. Most of what I like about myself I learned from her. She taught me how to care about people. And that’s the kind of thing that’s stuck with me in this little identity crisis I’m having. A lot has changed about me but I still give a shit about others. I’m considerate. I’m kind to strangers. I’m still dependable. I’m still a good listener. Those are the only things about myself that I’m sure of right now. And I have her to thank for that, entirely.
She started college once. She grew up in a time where that type of thing was starting to be expected out of high school grads, just like we did. She started and dropped out, for some reason. She moved to California to Minnesota. She worked as a bartender for who knows how long. She married my dad and settled down at a pretty young age. They love each other but I’m not sure they’re in love with each other. And they had me.
She followed him around, with me, working full time with my dad’s asshole fraternity brother for 15 years, and still woke up at 5 every morning to get me out of bed, cook breakfast, and drive me to school since I was afraid of the kids on the bus. She worked the whole day at a job she hated and picked me up as school got out every day. When I was especially young I was really picky, so she’d spend Sunday nights making sandwiches for me to take to school for the week. She’d cut coupons like crazy and started a savings account for me that I still have and use.
The crazy thing is, my parents aren’t particularly wealthy or anything. But it always felt like it growing up because of the work my mom put in to make extra money and manage it well. My mom went through so much effort and time to make me comfortable, because that’s what made her happy. I didn’t ask for it or anything, I didn’t even know to ask for it. It’s just what happened, because of her hard work.
Professionally, she hasn’t done much. She was a bartender, an entry-level travel agent, and now she works a call center with people 30 years younger than her.
I’m her life’s work. She’s told me that but I didn’t really get the extent of that statement until recently. She’s put everything into making sure I turned out alright.
That’s what’s gonna motivate me to be better. She put everything into making me a person worth being proud of. Now I’ve gotta do my part. I’ve got to make all of that worth something.
I’ve always been at my best when I’m doing something for other people. Maybe if I think of getting my shit together as doing it for her, I’ll be unstuck.
amandla
pixelskylines
prguitarman
