orph. i need to cut it short, as time is running out.
the things that i really wanna write to you are the things that matters more to me. like the things she said.
like,
ok, wait.
we met other teachers.
we took pictures.
& ma’m left.
& we walked together. a lot. i missed this so much.
now, those little things, why they matter to me don’t know. we went to taltola to have fuchka & we sat beside. & first ommi said she & four would share a plate. me & didi another. & four changed that match & said she & i would share a plate.. (even though we both were bad at eating that thing & probably couldn’t have finished it on our own. why though?.... i wanna think she wanted to share food with me. share. with me. ---)
anyway, i actually don’t like having large fuchka & also, i didn’t feel well eating. so i ended up having a drink.
dear god. i have no idea, what i’m writing here & why? what’s the purpose of all this? do i want her to read all these one day? or do i wanna look back & see these days? don’t know. don’t know nothing.
what matters to me, do u know? everything. everything about her. she, grabbing the bottle of 7 up from my hand. drinking. giving it back to me. & everything. she smiles a lot now. that’s so beautiful. don’t know though, if any pain is hiding behind that beauty,,
she was taking selfies with ommi & didi. then she grabbed my hand & pulled me closer to them & took another. that’s in the picture. her hand, wrapping my wrist. not all of it. but you could figure.
& when she’d been talking to ommi, walking behind me & didi,, i was hearing. & i wanted them to come in front of us & i wanted to follow her from behind. cause i wanted to see her. cause this is how we used to walk. in our college days. them, talking, me, following them. most times. & i love seeing her taking each step. i love the way she walks. i love the way she walks.
her slender waistline that her dress couldn’t hide in.
she’s a bit tanned. probably cause she goes out a lot more now. she took selfie. she’s changed. only still as beautiful as she was. or maybe even more.
when we’re walking home together.. she bought another bottle of 7 up & she said probably she’ll die from drinking 7 up. cause she can’t eat anything, she keeps drinking that thing. you know, once she says she eats a lot. & then she says she can’t eat. i feel so sad when she does that. i know she doesn’t eat, she can’t eat anymore. then why would she hide the truth & tell me the opposite? does she think i’ll make fun of her if she tells me the truth? or think she’s weak? i know she’s so strong. so strong.
i never wrote things like these before, did i? i never want anybody else to see this but her.
i wanted her to pay some more attention to me, but did she? i don’t know. but when our principal was talking about urdu, she looked at me. she looked at me many times & i didn’t look back. silly me. i should’ve looked back. how long has it been since i looked her in the eye last time? silly so silly me. if its at her home, like she told me to there in next holidays, i can’t stare at her. that won’t be nice. but there. when everyone was there.. i could’ve looked at her while she was looking at me.
i gave her 3 badges. the one’s i told you about. except that, i gave the “life is better with friends” to didi & i offered her the beatles with the other three & first she took that but later picked doctor who better. maybe she thought i bought that doctor thing onek shokh kore. so she couldn’t refuse that one.
& luckily i had a pirates of the caribbean badge with me, so i gave that to ommi, as i knew she liked that movie. i was thinking what she could’ve thought about me giving four, 3 & her, 1. but she already knows i like four better. i still want her not to mind or get hurt.
u know, she later texted she saw the L & Light Yagami badge on my sister’s backpack that i took with me.
& she said, 2/3 years back, i had প্রাঞ্জলতা in my face. i no longer have প্রাণ in the way i look. i don’t know if that makes her like me less. don’t know anything. but she really doesn’t know how i’m dying everyday. does she?
i don’t know why she’s nicer to me these days. why she’s talking to me more. is she feeling sympathy for me? have i turned into a sympathy seeker? or is it just cause she doesn’t have wifi at her home in dhaka? or she’s keeping her fb deactivated. so she needs me to talk with her. i just don’t wanna overdo it. i just don’t wanna get crazy like i did before.
right now, its 4:24. & i’m hungry.
other things. her laughter, that she couldn’t control. SHE COULDN’T CONTROL HER LAUGHTER, can you believe that? when we were at a book shop & she was moving her books from her bag to ommi’s. & after a moment, it occurred to her that people might think she was shoplifting, so she hurriedly left that place & started laughing there, in front of a gate. that priceless laughter, i couldn’t believe what i saw. though i didn’t dare to stare. but took snaps of her face. her squeezed eyes, eyebrows. her slightly open mouth, that she fought to close..
she had tea at a stall before, with ommi. i wonder if it’s before or after i had tea with her. she told me though, back then, that she never had tea in a tea stall.. so maybe after. & she showed that stall. did she do that for me to see it. or just cause she could remember that place.. i don’t know. maybe both. or maybe i’m only being too hopeful..
when we were walking, she & only, & we’re near to where our paths divide, she asked me which way i’d go. & that, it was my choice, i could pick either. i looked away, didn’t know what to say to that. but then i simply walked with her to her way.
& then, she said, looking around,, everything is same. except two people.
omg, i almost forgot about the ring. the ring. i once asked her to buy me a ring & the excuse was that i lost all my rings, which i did really,,
& she bought one for me from lalon mela. she remembered! & she gave it to me. i’m wearing it on my ring finger.. not feeling anything though. about it. i don’t know what to feel.
& she wanted to bring the phone’s back cover that she bought but forgot. & you know, she texted me that she thought i’d see her phone. o’r at least her wallpaper. & everytime she took out her phone,, she did something & i felt like she didn’t want me to take that from her.. & thought now she has more that doesn’t want me to see. so i didn’t think of taking it from her.
i wanted to talk to her even more. a lot. lot. you know i was watching videos the night earlier, to see how to talk, chat, & make it interesting & not run out of topics & how to make someone open up.. etc. now that i’m writing this, it’s making me embarrassed. but i really can’t talk. & i wanted to hear from her all about her life there.
& she saw her phone & missed calls from home, so she was in a hurry. & didn’t want her to get into any trouble for me. so i said, i’ll go. you take a rikshaw and go home. & she was like, you going? ok. like that.. & turned arround & as i started walking, my heart was breaking & i thought how could i do that. i’m not gonna see her in months,, if it ends here, it ends for how long who knows? nothing’s gonna happen. so let me stay with her a little longer. & i turned back after walking a few steps & saw her looking at me. & i ran to her back. & gave her a feather & a sticker of aladdin & the genie. haha. i ran. how silly of me. what’s hurry?
i wanted to keep walking & not go back home. i always feel like that when i have to leave her, don’t know why.
she told me to go at her place when next time she comes. but i wanna walk with her. like i was that day. i wanna see her from behind.. and wanna see her walk beside me. i hit her back with my head, i don’t know if she noticed that. but that kinda made me afraid of what i’ll do next. so i hurriedly said goodbye. how i wanted to touch her everytime she got closed to me.
she’s a different person at home & outside. she’s nice at home but not.. i don’t know, she doesn’t open up enough there. & i feel so nervous with her when at her home. and her family there.
i think of her all day. this needs to end. really. i just wish it ends in a nicer way.
i’m not as good as i think i am. when i can have her close, & i want her closer, then more.... & when i can’t have her with me.. can’t see her. can’t talk to her,, i feel like, whatever. let me just see her. once.
now i feel like, just let her be a friend to me. a good friend. let me have some time with her, that will be enough. she’s so nice,, seeing her once in a while will be enough. & i know later i’ll think,, i can’t stand this friendship. i want her other way. i want her. like i love her. i want her more than this. i want my heart beating so fast, i want her to hold me. tight.
i wanna touch her feet with mine. i did that a million times in my mind.
