* my life is a joke

ind. video-based dan howell. read rules. written by kit.

[ichorveiins]

AMERICAN GODS SENTENCE STARTERS

episode four - git gone

❝ d’ya mind ? ❞

❝ best drinks have self defining names. you order a manhattan, god knows what you’re gonna get, but you order a gin and tonic, a jack and coke, it’s not just a name. it’s a command. ❞

❝ how long you’ve been working here for ? ❞

❝ ooh, that’s bad luck. ❞

❝ don’t do it. ❞

❝ i was waiting for you. ❞

❝ why’d you help me ? ❞

❝ you’re really not very good at this; i saw you coming a mile off. ❞

❝ are you trying to recruit me ? ❞

❝ you could be a world class thief. ❞

❝ you look like you could get anything you want just by asking for it. ❞

❝ what d’ya say, huh ? ❞

❝ hang on a minute. i’m sorry. ❞

❝ i owe you one. i feel beholden. ❞

❝ let me buy you a drink. ❞

❝ let’s go somewhere. ❞

❝ so you are a thief. ❞

❝ the weak spot, see ––– all you need is one. and it’s usually people’s attention. ❞

❝ show me. ❞

❝ oh, god. ten years, and [ … ] has NEVER looked at me like that. ❞

❝ there’s a lesson in there somewhere. ❞

❝ my grandma always had cats. she said that they could see ghosts when we can’t, and warn you of thieves. ❞

❝ do you ever worry about what will happen if you keep stealing ? ❞

❝ do you believe in the afterlife ? ❞

❝ all i know is there’s more than i know. ❞

❝ yeah, i think that might sound wiser than it is. ❞

❝ when you die, you rot. it’s a fixed system. physics doesn’t take sundays off. ❞

❝ my parents believed in everything. father, son, holy ghost, spirit filled and full of the light of god. they taught me all of it, chapter and verse. ❞

❝ i went to bed every night in a world full of magic where anything was possible. ❞

❝ it’s like everything that made the world anything more than what it is is just –– stories. like snake oil. but worse, because snakes are real. ❞

❝ i wanted to get that magic back so bad, but one day i just accepted the fact that i couldn’t, because life is just not that interesting. ❞

❝ don’t look at me like that. ❞

❝ the fun is just getting started. ❞

❝ i could teach you to fight. ❞

❝ hey, you want coffee ? ❞

❝ are we pregnant ? ❞

❝ what i’m about to say may sound irrational to you, but i have all sorts of rational reasons for saying it, and doing it. ❞

❝ say it, and we’ll talk about whether or not you should do it. ❞

❝ are we … discussing this, or are you telling ? ❞

❝ there’s some wiggle room. ❞

❝ are you unhappy ? because i’m happy, okay, you make me happy. ❞

❝ yes, i see that you’re happy. from this side of it. the wrong side of it. and i think maybe i resent not being happy. not resent you, just … resent. ❞

❝ do you still love me ? ❞

❝ we are like a history book. we’re established fact. we don’t change. ❞

❝ i represent FAILURE to you ? ❞

❝ i can take it. if you’re on the other side. i can make it if you can. can you wait for me ? ❞

❝ just glad that i could be here to help you, you know ? ❞

❝ hey, don’t stay here alone tonight. ❞

❝ why did you say that ? ❞

❝ come on, [ … ] , say what you mean. ❞

❝ last night was a one time thing. you were there. and thank you, but we’re not doing this. we did this. and now it’s done. ❞

❝ you don’t love him. not the way he loves you. ❞

❝ is that all this was ? just fun ? ❞

❝ are you saying no ? ❞

❝ i lived my life, good and bad. definitely not light as a feather. ❞

❝ in life, you believed in nothing, so you will go to nothing. you will be done. ❞

❝ there is nowhere else for you to be. ❞

❝ tears have fallen for you. ❞

❝ do i get a say in this ? ❞

❝ death is not a debate. ❞

❝ how many do you think have come before you, all with promises and threads and offers of gold, glory, love ? who are you to misguide me from my duty ? ❞

❝ you are but a man, not even one i should remember. ❞

❝ i’m gonna come in now. i’m gonna come in now, okay ? ❞

❝ is this a haunting ? are you haunting me ? ❞

❝ does [ … ] know ? ❞

❝ i’m a vulgar woman. anger and grief have just really made me vulgar. ❞

❝ god, you know, i should thank you. it’s so much easier grieving someone when you’re glad they’re dead. ❞

❝ oh, fuck your feelings. ❞

❝ everybody has feelings, everybody cares about what they feel. i don’t care about what you feel. i care about what you think. what do you think about what you did ? ❞

❝ what was your big lie, [ … ] ? ❞

❝ i love [ … ] … loved [ … ]. love [ … ]. i love [ … ]. (s)he’s the light of my life. ❞

❝ you, i remember. ❞

❝ there is nothing i can do to lighten your heavy heart. ❞

❝ your heavy heart sank you like a stone, right back where you last left off. ❞

❝ was it love ? ❞

❝ love will always have you at a disadvantage. ❞

❝ many is the man who would take any version of his lost love rather than leave his love lost. ❞

❝ (s)he/they will say thank you to whichever god has sent you back to him/her/them. ❞

[huphilpuffs]

url edits - @saturn-dnp

[rawrmeansmemes]

Friends who get into trouble sentence starters

“I called someone to bail us out last time. It’s your turn.”

“We probably shouldn’t do this.”

“See you say it’ll be fine? But, something tells me it won’t be.”

“Okay, but they are gonna be so pissed when they see what we did to this place.”

“We probably shouldn’t have tried to surf on the mattress down the stairs..”

“I can’t believe we just prank called him/her. What are we like twelve?”

“Let’s just tell them that the dog did it.”

“I’m picking the lock. But, I just realized that I’m not a detective and this is a hair pin I found in my glovebox.”

“Do you think that alarm means that we’re caught?”

“I’ll fill the bucket with water and you distract him/her while I dump it on their head.”

“This is exactly what we need–a  night out. Let’s go crazy!!”

“Honestly, I think the car looks better after we crashed it.”

“I rang this guy/girls doorbell and ran away really fast??? And they found me.”

“Why is there a giant teddy bear wearing lingerie in my bath tub?”

“Oh my god, why is there an unconscious man/woman on the floor?!”

“We were supposed to be cooking. But, it looks like a murder occurred in here.”

“We broke the window. I think someone is going to notice.”

“I can’t believe we’re trying to climb through a window to get back a pair of your panties/underwear.”

“Shh, they’ll hear us. This is a terrible idea. You are lucky I love you.”

“That cop did not find it as funny as we did.”

“I told you not to hum the law and order theme song while we were being given a speeding ticket!!”

[arcticlester]

what is personal space?

[counterbants-blog]

moodboard

WANDERLUST: noun a strong desire to travel.

collab with my moodboard senpai @writerdan​ where we give each other an emotion and we try to convey it via moodboard

[phancakeshowell]

‘We used to be emo’

[selfdeprecates-blog]

MY LIFE IS A JOKE !     henlo everyone, it’s kit back at it again; now introducing my blog for d.an h.owell’s on camera && internet persona. please drop a LIKE/REBLOG on this if you’d be interested in interacting && i will check your blog out ! 

[wormange-moved]

dan lockscreens

like or reblog if you save 🌊

[dotmp-three]

(x)

[miffyfollows]

YALL GUESS WHO FORGOT TO POST THIS

late af but look at this tennis boye™

[selfdeprecates-blog]

' your smile makes any day a thousand times better. ' SOFT FRIENDS SOFT FRIENDS

SOFT FRIENDS + accepting !

in which case, a smile frees onto features adorned by the stars disguised upon cheeksas blended freckles && delicate light comes as an embrace through honey-chocolateeyes; laughter fleeing from lungs in a hymn to his voice.‘ GOD, you embarrass me way too much. this is why i never leave my house. ’

[1ester-moved]

[needacuddle]

Top Quality Moments™ from the stop emo shaming video

- stop angst discrimination (s.a.d.)

- anthony is crying only 3 seconds in a+

- “people used to throw rocks at me for wearing an MCR t shirt outside”

- general lack of saturation and sad music playing in the background kind of makes it look like a knock-off ASPCA commercial

- dan having to explain to his dad that he stabbed himself in the eye bc he wanted to be pete wentz

- “I sleepwalk as an emo”

- “shame cam”

- dan’s face when he crawled under the desk screaming

- “where are you going” “tO jOiN ThE BLaCk pArAdE”

- “oh no its happening, get the holy water”

- “CAN I PAINT YOUR NAILS” “CAN I STRAIGHTEN YOUR HAIR”

- dan’s lil bootyshake when he was singing I write sins not tragedies

- phil is DISGUSTED by your BULLSHIT

- the pictures of phil flashing across the screen as dan and anthony are talking about how sad it must be to be someone with emo hair in 2017

- “not okay……. not…… okay…… I’m not okay…. I’m nOT OKAAAAYYYY”

[pinoffs]

“You got your hair cut”

[lesthowellsarchive]

the ex-emos

[littlelovelymemes]

✰ * º ❛ even more popular text posts ask meme. ❜

‘  getting the fuck over things is the best!  ’ ‘  i love the concept. never tried it, but it’s a hell of a concept!  ’ ‘  you know that feeling you get when you’ve just showered and you crawl into a soft bed with clean sheets and you just feel safe and calm? that’s how i want my heart to feel.  ’ ‘  when dogs say boof instead of barking. reblog if u agree  ’ ‘  where does a mansplainer get his water? from a well, actually.  ’ ‘  do girls really mature faster? or do we just excuse boys’ immaturity longer?  ’ ‘  if i had to pin point my biggest flaw, it would probably be me.  ’ ‘  will anyone ever fall in love with my boring ass???  ’ ‘  date a girl who keeps a post-it note over her webcam bc the government is watching her.  ’ ‘  the difference between 4 a.m. and 5 a.m. is late as fuck and early as hell.  ’ ‘  does anyone else get language cravings? like you’re doing the dishes and suddenly feel an irresistible urge to learn a little danish.   ’ ‘  kinda want a relationship. kinda don’t ever want to give someone the power to hurt me.  ’ ‘  fuck boys, I only trust rice.  ’ ‘  whoever i end up marrying is going to be lucky af cause i got so much love to give.  ’ ‘  luke skywalker is relatable because he did a couple days of exercise and was like “actually i’d rather go die in a war.”  ’ ‘  mood: saying “mood” to everything.  ’ ‘  i’m really bad at conversations. sorry if i’ve ever talked to you  ’ ‘  share a coke with the indescribable, omnipresent feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach.  ’ ‘  the struggle between me wanting to be successful and me wanting to lay in bed 24/7.  ’ ‘  i’m at the “we’ll see” stage in my life. with everything and everyone. we will see.  ’ ‘  while extroverts get their energy by being around other people, i (an introvert), get energy from being hit by a train. more or less.    ’ ‘  a cup of hot tea really heals ur soul this is true science.  ’ ‘  i’m going to cry i’m so lonely now and all i have is this fucking cup of leaf water.  ’ ‘  why do superheroes care so much about their cities? its always “i have to protect this city” or “people of this city will die” like chill, i mean shit i don’t even know who my mayor is.  ’ ‘  when i say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth.  ’ ‘  YOU KNOW WHAT’S EXTREMELY TOXIC? JEALOUSY, turning saints into the sea. swimming through sick lullabies. choking on your alibis, but it’s just the price i pay  ’ ‘  two years i ago i was a fucking mess and now i’m a fucking mess, but at peace with it and i’ve found a bunch of great music.  ’ ‘  move, greg. i have depression and i want the pasta. it’s an emergency.  ’ ‘  life problems i anticipated as a child: quicksand, ghosts. life problems i did NOT anticipate as a child: the crushing sense of failure associated with botched social interactions.  ’ ‘  i get so excited when i can’t remember the name of someone i knew in high school it’s like i’m one step closer to being fully cleansed.  ’ ‘  what do u mean i don’t have a social life??? i just went grocery shopping with my mom.  ’ ‘  i’m a laid back person with a ton of anxiety.  ’ ‘  i can’t hear you over how much i hate my town.  ’ ‘  i accidentally vented to them so now i can never speak to them again.  ’ ‘  oh sweet, sweet sounds of 80s synthesizers, alleviate me.  ’ ‘  “i’m trying my best!!” i say as if my best didn’t pack up and leave me in 2012 without any warning.  ’ ‘  we all went through something when they played hallelujah in shrek.  ’ ‘  imagine getting a mental notification for every single time someone thought about you… it’d still be dry like my phone.  ’ ‘  it’s funny because even online i find it hard to be social and make friends.  ’ ‘  bamf: bad at making friends.  ’ ‘  i hate when someone turns my music down in the car to speak… u think your convo is more important than this absolute banger??? get out!!  ’ ‘  (to the tune of the final countdown): it’s a mental breakdown!  ’ ‘  rip doesn’t even mean rest in peace anymore, it’s just rip.  ’ ‘  if you wanna be my friend you gotta put up with me disappearing for weeks at a time and my inability to make emotional connections so be prepared.  ’ ‘  “it’s uncool to tie your jacket around your waist” is straight propaganda and they might have to carry theirs around but we don’t.  ’ ‘  why do tv shows get canceled like finish what u fucking started.  ’ ‘  the number of messages i’ve failed to answer across all my devices and media platforms will be weighed against my soul on judgment day, and i will be cast into hell.  ’ ‘  i’m really boring if i’m not comfortable with you.  ’ ‘  do you fake conversations in your head of you venting to someone??  ’ ‘  just cus i cant live off pasta doesnt mean i wont live off pasta.  ’ ‘  i need a small loan of $1,000,000.  ’ ‘  i’m not the same person i was 2 minutes ago.  ’ ‘  where can i find this friendzone i need some friends.  ’ ‘  i have an idealized version of myself in my mind and she’s really pissed off at my life choices.  ’ ‘  i like staying up at unhumanly hours but i also like getting 12 hours of sleep do u see my problem?  ’ ‘  i hate how when ppl get in an argument they start using big ass words, like how u go from a meme loving fuck to an english professor in 2 seconds.  ’ ‘  when someone calls u their best friend out loud > romantic love.  ’ ‘  sometimes u just have to say ‘tragic’ and move on.  ’ ‘  if u can afford to spend 12k on a festival to see blink 182 u can afford to die there.  ’ ‘  i feel like i’m in the sims where it takes 5 hours to make pasta and then u have to immediately go to bed.  ’ ‘  my kink is having absolutely no one from high school know anything about me or what I’m doin now lmao  ’ ‘  dont ignore me ?? i despise being ignored ?? i mean im ignoring like 8 ppl right now but still ???  ’ ‘  people who suggest getting breakfast together as a hangout plan are the kind of people you want to hang onto.  ’ ‘  my specialty: the accidental 12-hour nap in broad daylight.  ’ ‘  i think what’s wrong with me is that i don’t live secluded in a hut in the woods. i don’t bang enough rocks against enough things. i just haven’t forged any swords.  ’ ‘  whoever invents headphones that are comfortable to sleep in will get so rich.  ’ ‘  i’m an angry person and i want to let it out and be an asshole but i’m also a nice person and i don’t want to actually hurt anyone’s feelings. do u feel me??  ’ ‘  your smile makes any day a thousand times better.  ’ ‘  hey hmu if u wanna fall in love with me.  ’ ‘  90′s babies… we getting old.  ’ ‘  stay safe because I like being alive at the same time as you.  ’ ‘  i love my solitude but i was meant to be a lover.  ’ ‘  i’m literally tired of myself.  ’ ‘  i really do mean all those things i say to you. i hope you know this.  ’ ‘   there’s something so nice about friends who tell you they love you. ’ ‘  i love the moon!!!! she follows me everywhere to make sure i’m safe.  ’ ‘  brah fuck it i’m just die.  ’ ‘  i won’t hesitate (to love you unconditionally) bitch.  ’ ‘  i’m kiss deprived.  ’ ‘  i just want someone to kiss my neck, cuddle me, and play with my hair.  ’ ‘  me, two days into spring: do you remember the good old days when all the bugs were in hell where they belong?  ’ ‘  je suis,…. how do u say it……….. ready 2 die.  ’ ‘  not putting a case on your iphone is like not putting a baby in a car seat.  ’ ‘  if i want you, never worry about who wants me.  ’ ‘  calling me baby makes me so freakin weak.  ’ ‘  i’m a solid 2/10 but i’m kinky and loyal so hmu.  ’ ‘  watching documentaries and making out on the couch is my kind of date.  ’ ‘  space pisses me OFF the sun is TOO large and black holes are TOO mysterious and aliens are TOO sneaky.  ’ ‘  date someone who makes it feel like there’s a sunset in your chest every time you look at them.  ’ ‘  push me onto the bed and climb on top of me.  ’ ‘  hearing “i love you” from the right person feels like a big warm hug.  ’ ‘  all the love songs are becoming about you now.  ’ ‘  the rumors are true: i’m soft and i just want to be loved.  ’ ‘  avatar: the last airbender (2005-2008) would never have let me down like this.  ’ ‘  first of all i love tiddies so jot that down.  ’ ‘  fr tho, communication is so important to me. tell me what u want from me, tell me how i make u feel, be real with me, be real with ur soul.  ’ ‘  i really need to be fucked by something other than life.  ’ ‘  you are good and kind and the sun shines differently on you.  ’ ‘  goin home to be ugly in peace is one of my fav things to do.  ’

[arcticlester]

i never thought you’d ask