A âwhat ifâ?
What if Lily died but James didnât? Set in the Scarlett universe. aka, Carrieâs Christmas story. @jamesxpctter
Scarlett Sapworthy is not even two years old when her father holds her for the second time. Itâs November 1981 and her brother lies in a cradle while her mother tearfully tries to explain the circumstances surrounding her â Scarlettâs â birth. This is something that Scarlett wonât learn until sheâs old enough to understand, but the short story is that a very drunk James Potter sleeps with a slightly drunk Selina Sapworthy in 1979. A sober, hungover, and guilty Selina takes away his memories and runs away. James is none the wiser until Voldemort attacks his wife and child while heâs off on a mission for the Order. Lily dies, Harry survives, and James is smart enough to know that he canât go at it alone while heâs grieving. Because grief is all he feels.
 He has his best friends, of course [three have dwindled to two but they never comment on that], though none of them are women. And women are what Harry needs right now. Because while he loves his friends, they know nothing about babies.
 So Selina brings Scarlett over as she tries to help James where she can, hoping that heâll remain in his grief enough to stop asking questions. Itâs the offseason so unless sheâs needed for something important, she arrives each morning before breakfast. Sheâll bring food, clean up the flat James and Harry have moved into, and allow Scarlett and Harry to roll around on the floor with her cat while she writes her herbology papers, a fond smile on her face.
 James is in a daze and though Harry whines for his mother, heâs young enough that he wonât remember her enough to miss her. In a way, his father envies him for his ignorance. But James is not so lucky. He can remember Lilyâs touch, can remember the feel of her lips against his own, can remember the look in her eye as he held Harry for the first time. So Selina lets him grieve, lets him lose himself in his anguish as she takes care of his child just as well as she takes care of her own.
 And then one day, James ventures out of his bedroom while sheâs there, sees how Harry has made Scarlett smile and suddenly, he knows. Heâs seen that smile before, used to see it every time he looked in the mirror. He picks her up, ignoring the look of despair on Selinaâs face at the realization, and holds his daughter in his arms. It is only because Lily is gone that he feels no remorse, for who can regret a child?
 âIâll want them back,â are the only words he says. âThe memories.â He says nothing else to Selina, though he hugs his daughter, his firstborn to his chest. Selina gets the silent treatment for weeks, though she returns the memories before she leaves that evening. But still she returns the next day. And the next day. The silent treatment only abates at Christmas but it resumes in January. Sheâd never known before that he could be so stoic. But then again, James never loved her the way he loved his wife.
 And to her credit, Selina continues to visit, continues to bring food, though James no longer sequesters himself in his bedroom while his children play on the living room floor. And he is not so harsh as to scream at her, for he understands why sheâs done what sheâs done, understands why she ran, understands why she hid what heâs done from himself. He understands that she will always love him in a way he doesnât understand.
 Thankfully, for Scarlett and Harry, thereâs never a moment of jealousy. They are both young enough to forget the time when James wasnât Scarlettâs father and that is one blessing both living parents will remember. The children will grow up knowing each other, will never remember not knowing each other. And, really, for all that James hates it, despises it, Selina has become Harryâs mother in all but name. She loves him, snuggles him close when he cries, and has no qualms about yelling at his father when heâs being a cad and ignores him in his grief. To Jamesâ credit, he doesnât respond when he wants to rip Harry away from her, wants to scream that no one can replace Lily, wants to remind her that sheâs already stolen a child from him and he wonât let her steal another.
 This continues until Harry asks why his sister doesnât live with them. And James is not so heartless as to push for custody of Scarlett (and he knows if he tries, Selina would return to Sweden without hesitation). So he takes the anger he feels and shoves it down when Selina comes over for Scarlettâs birthday, bringing candy for Harry and kissing his scraped knee after she patches it up. He ignores the righteousness threatening to bubble up and swallows his pride as he suggests that they begin looking for a 4-bedroom house somewhere in the country. He inclines his head as she agrees, more nervous and filled with hesitation than he has ever seen her.
 And thatâs that. All of a sudden theyâre a family in everything but name. James has returned to work â though no one actually knows what he does â and Selina continues to fly and work on herbology research in her free time. The children are rarely unattended and both of Scarlettâs parents have learned to get along, have learned to depend on the other for the greater good. Theyâre both also celibate for the time being though they donât say anything about why.
 They continue like this for years. There are arguments, of course, about whether or not the children should go to Muggle primary school (James is for it while Selina is fully for a magical education and itâs all types of ironic; thereâs also the discussion of Scarlettâs surname â an argument Selina loses), or who they should befriend (Selina does not distrust all Slytherins the way James does). The only thing they both agree on is that Sirius and Remus are the only humans to be entrusted with their children should they die (and itâs rather telling that James is willing to first entrust Harry to Selina).
 It all comes to a head on their fourth Christmas together. Scarlettâs about to turn 6 and Harryâs a few months past 5. Sirius and Remus are at the house in Yorkshire. Harry makes a comment to Sirius about how he doesnât understand why Scarlettâs mum canât be his [because even if she isnât, she functions as such, kissing his bruises, comforting him, and rubbing his head when heâs afraid] and he says he doesnât even want his mum to come back because all he wants is Selina. Itâs innocent, of course, words of a child who wants what the other children have, but the words make the living Maraudersâ lips thin. They exchange a glance and itâs the werewolf that loses the mental game of rock, paper, scissors.
 âI think Lily would want you to be happy,â comes out of Remusâ mouth. âAnd while I know sheâd be hurt by how Scarlett was created, I think she would want you to be happy with Selina if she was gone. She wasnât the type to deny a child their parent. And you canât tell me sheâd rather Harry have a ghost and your memories in place of a mother.â James says nothing, inclines his head at his friendâs point, but nothing changes that anyone can see. Itâs only months later when Sirius notices that Jamesâ room looks remarkably sterile (almost like a guest room) that he comments on it.
 âWe didnât want the children to be confused now that theyâre older. And there was an issue at the primary school a couple months ago. Religious dingbat wouldnât let Selina take the children because their last names were different. She had to use a mild confundus,â is the response out of Jamesâ mouth when Sirius is told that the four people living in the house are now Potters [and to be honest, Sirius is just relieved that his best mate is wearing a different ring than the one his first wife placed on his finger]. No one believes that, of course, especially not when they see the small smile on Selinaâs face or the pride that puffs up Harryâs chest when he tells everyone that he âhas a mum now.â But they pretend, because while James is willing to move on for the sake of his family, it is clear that he has not let Lily go. But everyone else has and it makes him all the angrier. Everything is wrapped up in a neat package with a bow but Harryâs mother is dead and in Jamesâ mind, Selina will never be anything other than an imitation of the real thing. But she gets a father for her child and he gets a mother for his. Itâs a pretty package, even if it makes him dead inside, even if thinking of it as a deal [so clinical, so impersonal] makes his stomach twist.
 [The problem, really, is that Selina doesnât make him feel dead inside. But he knows she should, knows he had promised his heart to Lily and she took it to her grave. Guilt, and grief, consumes him. And if a few good rounds of shagging â because theyâve always been sexually compatible â can make it go away for awhile, heâll take it without thinking about how Selinaâs affected, will ignore the fact that she clearly loves him more than he deserves. Someday he will look back on this and cringe but for now, James will work with what he has.]
 While James had loved Lily for 9 years of his life [and of those 9 he has to admit heâd only really loved her for 5], heâs depended on Selina just as long. Sheâs his wife now, though he doesnât say he loves her and she does little to tempt him to [and he knows she loves him, though she doesnât say it either, doesnât guilt him into admitting what he isnât comfortable admitting to himself]. And while they share a bed, thereâs little more than physical need and slight affection to it. [And it makes the children feel better about the entire thing when they go to school, makes them feel like they actually have a family â a normal one]. In reality, day to day, itâs quiet. They spend time with the children, they sometimes spend time together, and occasionally, they remember that theyâre allowed to laugh without the children. But never too long and never too loud.
 Itâs like this: Selina finally has everything she ever wanted but itâs nothing like she thought it would be. But she never complains. Because how do you complain about a dead person? Especially when you have the dead womanâs husbandâs child? How do you do anything without feeling heartless?  So she says nothing, allows herself to make excuses when her husband does things without asking her opinion, when his lips twitch almost imperceptibly as his son calls her mum, when he utters another name while heâs inside of her. And when she tells him sheâs pregnant for the first time, she expects him to go running for the hills. But he doesnât. [She should have expected the resigned expression, though. But she didnât. And oh how deep that cuts.]
 Itâs almost ridiculous how excited Harry and Scarlett are for another sibling they can make do whatever they want [though no one can blame them because theyâre best friends living under the same roof. Theyâve never really been siblings]. Selina stops flying and takes a cooking class, making money with herbology research and papers in journals her husband will stack in his library without opening. She will never be a gourmet chef but her children will never want for food.
 The Christmas before the baby is due, itâs just the four of them. Remus and Sirius are in America, the Longbottoms are visiting family on the Continent, and Selinaâs belly is just a bit too big for travel. The house has been decorated for a month, a handy spell keeping the scent of fresh pine in every room, and the tree dwarfs the living room, baubles and fairy lights twinkling in the shadow of the fire.
 The children are told to go to bed and while they usually listen, the adults in the house know that theyâre only pretending, ensconced under the covers of Scarlettâs bed as they whisper about the next day. But their parents say nothing as they place the gifts under the tree, soft Christmas music playing in the background.
 âYou know,â he begins, more awkwardly than sheâs ever seen him. âIf there hadnât been a Lily, we would haveâŠâ he trails off, but Selina knows what he means. She shakes her head, lips thinning at the thought.
 âYou canât say things like that,â she murmurs. âWithout her, thereâs no Harry. And as much as Iâve always loved you, I wonât imagine a life without him. Even if it means we live a life where you actually love me instead of being stuck with your grade school girlfriend as your wife. I would never wish Harry away.â Her mouth tightens and James is struck with the question of whether or not heâs ever really known her. Certainly he knew she loved Harry but he never realized just how much and itâs staggering. Itâs staggering and it makes his head spin as he tries to contemplate what she means â heâs always known Harry thinks of her as his mother but he had never stopped to consider how much that feeling was reciprocated. If he thinks on it too long, thereâs a guilt that gnaws at his insides, a guilt for being angry that the mother Harry has chosen loves him unconditionally. But he pushes it down â he does not have the luxury of guilt.
 Sheâs walking upstairs to their bedroom before he says anything and though itâs more waddling than walking, he doesnât tease her. âI do, you know.â She stops but doesnât turn and while heâs disappointed, James doesnât think he could have expected much more. Heâs 27 years old with three children currently married to a woman he tossed away years ago. What else does he know? âI do love you. I know I donât say it and I know Iâm not ready to say goodbye to Lily. But it doesnât mean I donât love you, doesnât mean I wouldnât die for you, and it doesnât mean that youâre not a good mother to all of my children. I donât deserve time and I promise Iâll be better but please give it to me.â
 She doesnât move for awhile, taking in the words that she had never expected, never realized that she wanted to hear. In the end, she inclines her head but doesnât turn around.
 âIâve done nothing but give you time,â she whispers and though the words break his heart [he never thought they would], they donât take away what heâs already said. âI give you everything.â The last words are so soft he isnât sure heâs heard them properly. But he knows. And what a cad he feels like.
 She continues on like she hasnât just twisted his insides into a jumble. âBut youâve ruined me for anyone else. So Iâll be here in the morning.â Selina knows that the words sheâs just uttered sound pathetic but she also knows that theyâre honest. And James canât see the expression on her face but he can imagine the way her features freeze, locking down so she doesnât have to give herself away. Nothing else is said and Selina sleeps in bed alone that night, woken up to her children asking if their dad saw Santa Claus. She pastes a smile on her face and allows herself to be surprised at the necklace wrapped in a tiny box under the tree. Life goes on.
 Robert Reginald Potter is born on a snowy morning in early February. Itâs not an easy birth â easier than Scarlettâs, though â and Selina grips Jamesâ hand as their child comes into the world. Harry is all James â except for the eyes, always the eyes. Scarlett is a mixture of the two of them, black hair and her motherâs nose mixed with the carefree smile her father had before his life was torn in two. But Robert, well, Robert looks so much like Selinaâs father â Selinaâs now dead father â that she wants to cry. But she doesnât, just cuddles him close to her chest before she hands him up to his father, pride evident in her eyes that are not clouded by the storm inside â not today.
 Something breaks off in Jamesâ heart that day at the sight of his third child being born. And slowly, ever so slowly, he begins to have days where Lily feels like the memory she is rather than the enduring presence heâs turned her into. He smiles more and when Harry has a tantrum about the new baby getting more attention, James sits him down to remind him that âMum loves you just as much as your brother.â Itâs the first time Selinaâs ever heard him refer to her as Harryâs mother to Harry and she bites the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. Progress.
 Things arenât perfect â they rarely are â but life begins to come together in a way that works for all of them. They smile more, theyâre more freely affectionate, and even if James will never put Lily to bed entirely, heâs trying to be there for the family he has left. He isnât stupid â heâd never given Selina a reason to stay, a reason to keep coming back, but here she is. Heâs not afraid to say he loves her, is less afraid to show her, and itâs sometimes easy to forget that there was someone before her. But she doesnât. She canât. She wonât.
 Itâs a blessing and a curse.
