A Series Of Unfortunate Tweets

 Hello. My name is Lemony Snicket. It is my sad duty to narrate the tweets of President Donald Trump, but there is nothing stopping you from reading another blog instead, perhaps something with cats.

[its-funnytwittertweets]

[iwriteaboutfeminism]

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Donald Trump: So interesting to see 'Progressive' Democrat Congresswomen, who originally came from countries whose governments are a complete and total catastrophe, the worst, most corrupt and inept anywhere in the world (if they even have a functioning government at all), now loudly and viciously telling the people of the United States, the greatest and most powerful Nation on earth, how our government is to be run. Why don't they go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came.

Lemony Snicket: As is often the case, dear reader, when a wicked person speaks, very little of what Donald Trump is saying here holds any water at all. Three of the four people that Donald told to go home to their own country were born in the United States. The 4th -- Omar -- was born in Somalia, spent four years in a refugee camp in Kenya, arrived in the US at age 12 and is a naturalized US citizen.

So, telling them to go back to their "totally broken and crime infested placed from which they came" makes very, very little factual sense. But Trump isn't terribly concerned with the facts here.

It's the sentiment that matters to him. And that sentiment is full of hate.

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Donald Trump: Russia, Russia, Russia! That’s all you heard at the beginning of this Witch Hunt Hoax...And now Russia has disappeared because I had nothing to do with Russia helping me to get elected.

Lemony Snicket: There is an oft repeated expression, "Blowing one's own trumpet" or "Blowing one's own horn", which is thought to have its origins in the middle ages, when heralds blew trumpets to announce the arrival of the king. It is a phrase which means being overly boastful and arrogant, or being a braggadocio (or, as Trump would say, braggadocious).

Blowing one's own trumpet, however fun it may be, rarely improves people's impression of you. In this case, the direct result of Donald Trump blowing his own trumpet was admitting in writing that he is an illegitimate president who only won the office with the direct help of a foreign power. Because, of course any merchant or other commoner who wanted to announce his arrival had to blow his own horn.

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Donald Trump: You always wanted to show losses for tax purposes....almost all real estate developers did - and often re-negotiate with banks, it was sport.

Lemony Snicket: The term tax evasion, sometimes known as tax fraud, is the purposeful attempt of a taxpayer to evade assessment or payment of a tax imposed by the Federal law. Conviction of tax evasion should result in fines and imprisonment, but in the case of Donald Trump, dear reader, it has has too often been the case that justice likes to sit and wait while everything goes wrong.

[revolutionarykoolaid]

Today in ridiculously ignored Trump news!

[erebusvincent]

Damn.

[prokopetz]

My advice when folks are struggling with writing in the third-person omniscient is to Lemony Snicket it up. Give your omniscient narrator strong opinions about what’s going on. Don’t fall into the trap of assuming that the third-person omniscient perspective must also use the objective voice; those are two separate things, and many of the most popular and successful writers who’ve written in the third-person omniscient do not, in fact, use the objective voice.

[alexandra-erin]

“Willingness to admit the narrative has a voice” is, I think, a big part of what makes young adult literature so much more engaging than a lot of books marketed at adults, particularly adult men.

[nocturnaltherapist]

“Lemony Snicket it up” is a very good phrase and very good advice

[thesylverlining]

I just appreciate seeing third-person omniscient recognized as an actual POV, because people are often dismissive of it (and yes, this is good)

[cherryholley]

lemony snicket: authority figures are either ineffectual or villainous

me, age 9: that seems unfair and unlikely lol

me, age now: ohhh my goood, lemony was trying to tell me

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Donald Trump: In the beautiful Midwest, windchill temperatures are reaching minus 60 degrees, the coldest ever recorded. In coming days, expected to get even colder. People can’t last outside even for minutes. What the hell is going on with Global Waming? Please come back fast, we need you!

Lemony Snicket: As I'm sure you are aware, dear reader, the term climate describes what the weather is like over a long period of time in a specific area, whereas weather refers to short-term changes in the atmosphere. This is why people do not generally say "horrible climate we're having" when they can think of nothing else to add in polite conversation.

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Donald Trump: The Republicans don’t win and that’s because of potentially illegal votes. When people get in line that have absolutely no right to vote and they go around in circles. Sometimes they go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, come in and vote again. Nobody takes anything. It’s really a disgrace what’s going on.

Lemony Snicket: Much like a box of Very Fancy Doilies at auction, Donald Trump often utilizes this disingenuous red-herring strategy designed to divert attention while he does damage elsewhere to the nation’s abiding values of fairness and cohesion. While he, for instance, removes reporters from the White House pressroom for asking follow up questions and challenging him.

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Donald Trump: There is no reason for these massive, deadly and costly forest fires in California except that forest management is so poor. Billions of dollars are given each year, with so many lives lost, all because of gross mismanagement of the forests. Remedy now, or no more Fed payments!

Lemony Snicket: The president’s assertion that California’s forest management policies are to blame for catastrophic wildfire is for lack of a better term, wrong. Wildfires are sparked and spread not only in forested areas but in populated areas and open fields fueled by parched vegetation, high winds, low humidity and geography.

Moreover, natural disasters destroy regardless of party, and issuing an uniformed threat to plunder political points is disrespectful to the thousands that have lost homes and friends, the quarter-million people that have been forced to flee, and the women and men protecting the lives and property of thousands, some doing so even as their own homes lay in ash.

We thank the brave members of the VFD who continue their work. The world is quiet here.

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Donald Trump: North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the “Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times.” Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!

Lemony Snicket: Forced perspective is a technique which employs optical illusion to make an object appear farther away, closer, larger or smaller than it actually is. It manipulates human visual perception through the use of scaled objects and the correlation between them, for instance, making a button appear larger by placing a smaller-than-average hand on it.

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Donald Trump: I wouldn't say I'm a feminist.

Lemony Snicket: A feminist, simply put, is a person who believes in the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes. Therefore a person who would refer to women with terms such as dogs, fat slobs, pigs, and disgusting animals, or might go so far as to brag about grabbing women by their genitalia, would not be considered a feminist by any definition of the word. For that reason, when Donald Trump says he is not a feminist, we should hardly register the proclamation as breaking news.

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Donald Trump: Highest Stock Market EVER, best economic numbers in years, unemployment lowest in 17 years, wages raising, border secure, S.C.: No WH chaos!

Lemony Snicket: There is a saying that goes "half a truth is often a great lie." It means that while someone may be telling parts of the truth, they are not telling the whole story. For instance, while Trump is not wrong that the stock market is at its all time high for his administration, corrolation does not equate causation. "Economic numbers", like "chocolate-flavored candy", is exceptionally nonspecific. Further, his claim about having the lowest unemployment rate in 17 years is just not true, and the "rising wages" predate the Trump presidency.

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Donald Trump: After consultation with my Generals and military experts, please be advised that the United States Government will not accept or allow. Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military. Our military must be focused on decisive and overwhelming victory and cannot be burdened with the tremendous medical costs and disruption that transgender in the military would entail. Thank you.

Lemony Snicket: The word wrong can have many meanings. It can mean something is immoral, dishonest, or unjust, but it can also mean incorrect or fallacious. Since transgender troops have been serving honorably and effectively for the past year, and every study conducted by experts has found that transgender individuals are not in any way a burden-- they have minimal impact on health care costs and little to no impact on unit cohesion, operational effectiveness or readiness-- I know it will come as no great shock to you, dear reader, to learn that Donald Trump is here wrong in all forms of the word.

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Dear Reader, Summer is upon us, with its overcrowded beaches and melting popsicles. But even the overwhelming sunshine cannot protect you from the American president's chilling tweets. As I'm sure you've noticed, dear reader, I have been otherwise occupied with very full days as of late and as a result I have been remiss in my duty to narrate the tweets of Donald Trump. I do hope, for your sake, that you have taken my silence as indication to stop reading the unhappy tweets of this president, as they can only bring you sorrow. I will return to my solemn and sacred occupation to narrate them here, but you may prefer to do some other solemn and sacred thing, such as sharing delightful corgi videos. With all due respect, Lemony Snicket